insane

do you think its possible for an A to have enough recovery to stay off of drugs and alcohol for 7 years but also to say that he didn't realize he had a "problem" with sex and spending/gambling?

i mean, how can that be???

i understand, or i'm beginning to, that addiction is baffling, cunning, etc etc and fools As into thinking they have control when they don't etc....but if an A has enough recovery (however minimal in terms of current work) to stay off the substances, then how can he claim he didn't know he had a problem with the other stuff????

any enlightenment you can share will be greatly appreciated because tonite (after attending my women's group for spouses of addicts) i am very very confused.

and very suspicious. if he'd relapsed altogether i could get that...not working your program, you're going down. but he didn't relapse with the old stuff, just this new stuff and lied about it for 2 years. even while going to (minimal) mtgs for drugs/alcohol. wasn't working steps at all and had very on/off contact with sponsor...he has a sponsor but wasn't being sponsored, know what i mean???

so could he stay off drugs/alcohol AND be in denial about the other stuff??? i'm having a hard time buying that. i feel like its just an excuse. or maybe he's been using too and i just don't know yet. ugh.

EmotionalMeg

Just a thought here,
This is right along the lines of what we shared about at my meeting tonight.
My husband is an Alcoholic / Addict, who is 7 months sober; he works his program and knows what it takes to remain healthy without letting his addiction get the best of him.
Yet, he is a sex addict also.
He can't see it, there fore he does not apply the same rules and tools he uses in his recovery to alcohol and drugs.

My sponser said that it is common for A's in recovery to replace one addiction for another... and until they are willing to clean out their ENTIRE closet, the junk just stays and gathers dust.

Just my 2 cents...
I am still mulling this one over in my head
Meg

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Insane.

I tried to reply to you earlier. Honest I did. I typed out an answer and hit whatever mysterious button it is that you hit and make the whole thing go away. But I was upset. I had just watched Traffic. I should have known better. But I thought it would be one of those rock 'em sock 'em movies that bear no resemblance to reality and therefore wouldn't bother me. You should have heard me screaming at the set when the drug dealer asked what difference it would have made if he hadn't been caught.

Now why would I... who have suffered the colateral damage of caring about a drug user... want to see that world displayed on my tv? Didn't I get enough of that? "But that was a movie... it's different." I rationalize. But obviously... Smokie still has a scab to pick. Maybe your fella is a little like me. Recovered enough to see that one set of behaviors is a very very bad idea... but with something unresolved that leads me to other forms of self torment.

Or maybe he's just rafting on de Nial.

At any rate... even if you figure it out you can't solve it for him. Take a bubble bath, paint your toenails and rent yourself a movie. Maybe not the one I picked.

Hugs!
Smoke

AvieG

I know many alcoholics who have picked up other addictions in 'sobriety' insane, and attending minimal meetings, and having a ponsor but not being sponsored (YES, I identify with that too) is NOT really sober, just not drinking/using.

Thats probably why so many recovering alkes also go to Sex addicts anonyous, debtors anonyous, overeaters anonymous etc. etc.

A very good AA friend of mine had to go into rehab for overeating wen she was four years sober, so yes I can identify with your A's other addictions. Maybe whist he was drinking/using, the other addictions were secondary, bu now he is off the grog, they have come to the surface more?

When newly sober, I was told to eat chocolate to feed the body's craving for sugar which is what the body craves when we stop drinking. Within six months, I was buying chocolate bars in bulk, and hiding them!!! I would buy three or four bars of chocolate, and eat two on the way home, in secret!!!!

HEL, I even got addicted to 'Sonic the Hedgehog' the Sega game, and would stay up till all hours trying to beat my last score!!

As with all addictions, we have to recognise that we have it, before we can try to overcome it. Maybe for your A, these addictions are not as vital to quit right now (First things First)

I would suggest you stick with your support group until he is ready to face up to his other addictions.

journeygal

I think some people try to escape bits and pieces of their reality by any and all methods. I see it very clearly in my husband, who's DOC is crack. He's been clean except for a slip here and there for the past two years. But he's doesn't go to meetings, have a sponsor, or work the steps. Now, I know those aren't the only methods for staying clean. His method is to keep busy. As a result, he's become a workaholic. I asked him the other day how he quiets the drug demons and he says by staying busy. But I think the bottom line is that he's not ready to face some of the problems in his life, mainly unresolved issues with his daughter, and rather than deal with them head on, he works all the time. And when it gets particularly painful at times, he uses.

My dad has been addicted to something or another for 35 years. First it was cigarettes. Then it was alcohol. During that time food was also an issue. And when he stopped drinking, he became addicted to working out!!! It's like he never wants to sit still and face any problems in his life, so he avoids it by becoming obsessed with something, anything.

So, IMO, until people are really ready to sit down and address what's really wrong in their lives, the addictive behavior continues...

insane

thank you so much for helping me to make some sense out of all of the crap swarming around in my head about this.

geez, i tortured myself about it all night long...and now i'm exhausted and grumpy, etc

i had a tough conversation with my A this morning....not a fight...just a we don't know how to be with each other right now talk...we're both pretty down....and i let his feelings and mood scare me, creep up on me and i snapped at my little girl...didn't yell, but i did snap. i apologized immediately, called my sponsor, did my readings and i'm back on track.

ugh.