jensday71

Hello, it was suggested I check this forum out and I am so glad I did. I left my ABF in September, but have continued "dating" him on and off since. I am finally ready to be done and his anger is escalating. I left him once before and that led to an order of protection. I have one issue I need immediate advice on.....

Last time I left he had his car in my name (to prevent high rates because of his DUIS). I wanted to cut all ties, but he refused to sign the car into his name or give me access to the license plate so that I could cancel the registration. The D.M.V told me I would have to report the car stolen to get it out of my name and so I did. The police called him and asked him to return the car voluntarily and he denied having it. Hours later the car was towed to my house in pieces, he had smashed it up with his baseball bat. It was so passive aggresive...it was his own car he smashed! Anyway like the co-dependent woman I am we eventually got back together. He was sober and in therapy. I believed (hoped?) he had changed. We were happy and eventually became engaged. During that time I put another car in my name for him( what was I thinking?). Now here we are again. I have been asking him to sign it into his name since September and he has always said he doesn't have the money.
Now his drinking is as bad as ever and I know for a fact he has driven drunk again. I want my name off that car and I want him out of my life. He truly is broke (because going to work drunk is no fun) so I told him that I will pay all transfer fees and 2 months insurance if he will give me my license plate and take over the title (the car is owed outright, no loans). He got very nasty. I told him I would be forced to file another stolen plate report if he doesn't coooperate. He's been sending nasty texts saying he will and the next one he won't. I have given him until tomorrow to comply. I am scared as this is what pushed him over the edge last time. I have two young kids (not his) and I hate this drama and fear and how it effects them. I am broke and really don't have the money to pay the fees, but I will find a way if it helps cut ties. He has been so nasty though that a part of me doesn't want to help at all I just want to file the missing plate report. What would you do?? Just keep the car in my name for now, pay to transfer to him, or file the report and deal with his wrath? Also he has been storing his project car in my garage and refusing to move it. My friends suggest pushing it into my driveway and just not worrying about the affects of the weather. But once again I am scared to set him off. Thanks in advance.

StarCat

I had my XABF's cell phone on my plan... Fortunately in his case his daughter and sister ensured that he took it off my plan right after he got out of rehab.

It sounds like you don't have any one to make sure he goes through with it, regarding the car.

If I were in your shoes, since he knew what happened the first time around, if he didn't switch the car over by the deadline I would report it stolen again, but ensure the police knew the whole story when I reported it (including his reactions the last time), and see if they had any other advice/input.
As for the "project car," if it won't run and you can afford to have it towed to his place (and you want it out and far away from you), by all means do so. Otherwise, I'd push it out into the driveway (or onto the side of the street) and see what happens. If that project car is also in your name, you could always donate it or sell it somewhere as well (funds that accept car donations usually arrange for free towing for you, as do junk yards).

Make sure the police know the whole story behind what happened last time, as they could help you with whatever reaction he has. If you could arrange to not be home/around when it happens, too, that's always a plus - any relatives or friends you could live with/visit for a week or so? If not, absolutely change your locks, and change your habits as best you can - leaving for work at a different time of day, parking places he won't look for your car (or move your car into the garage space once his car is removed), etc.

Again, by verbally/mentally abusive XABF was in rehab when I started re-doing my life, or it would have been much harder for me.
I am hoping someone with better experience pops in here with what they did. My XABF did start to get physically abusive, but hasn't escalated to the point where yours is at, so my experience is somewhat limited. (Plus I am in an apartment complex - easier to hide).

nodaybut2day

Hi jensday and to SR! I'm glad you found your way to the site.

Regarding the car, I agree with Starcat about calling the police and telling what exactly has been going on. They may have some advice for you.

I was going to suggest disabling the working car so that there's no danger of him driving it someplace...but maybe that's being nasty.

I really think you need to speak to the cops so that you can stop being held hostage by him for various things...

I hope you keep posting and reading as much as you like. SR is always open!

Codie101

Hi Jensday71!!! I am new here too! Everyone has given me wonderful advice, you have definitely come to the right place! I would suggest calling the police and telling them the entire story. I would switch the title into his name (where I live that only costs about $30 at DMV). I think the police can confiscate the plates because the vehicle will no longer be registered. Once the car title is transferred and you cancel the plates, he would be driving around with unregistered vehicle and plates. Again, I am not sure what the rules are in PA but in VA that's true. As for the project car, I would tell him he has to remove it by a certain date or you are going to sell it and keep the $$ as reimbursement for whatever costs are involved with the other car.

Now, all of this is probably going to make him super angry. I am in a crazy abusive situation and have already researched what I will have to do to be safe. I called a DV Hotline and am meeting with a counselor. DV Hotline may even be able to help you with the car situation!!! They asked me if I needed food or gas or anything and they would help me get it. I would definitely call. As everyone here has told me, my safety is priority as is the safety of you and your children.

Best of luck!!! Keep us posted!

jensday71

Thanks for all of your replies. I think part of my problem now is my pride. We live in a tiny town and he is friends with the police. When I filed a report last time it was anxiety producing because these were all "buddies" of his. Then when I asked the court to modify the order of protection once he was sober I became a real laughing stock tot the police. I also used the domestic abuse counseling here in town last time and am embarrassed to call and tell them I'm in the same situation again. I know going back is common and that my safety is more important than my pride. I just don't feel very protected by the police. When he broke the restraining order last time around it took them 5 months to arrest him and by then we were dating again. The abuse in our past is primarly verbal/emotional. Before our first break up he pushed and shoved me and apparently also his ex wife, but not since. I now that doesn't mean he won't "snap" now that he feels threatened, but just thought I would add that it was not a normal instance in our relationship.

nodaybut2day

How about calling here to get some support:

NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7

Shevrard

I agree with what other have said here. You need to call the police, tell them the entire backstory and then walk away. My ex husband was like this, and the only thing that ever stopped the madness was to leave and cut off all contact. Change your number and move. Don't give him your information. This is a situation that will only get worse. I'm sure you have realized that by now. Be strong. Get whatever support you need to leave him and not look back. Call the dometic violence hotline and find a support group in your area, they will help you. ((((hugs)))))

Jadmack25

I suggest going to DV folks for assistance, before you take any other action.
I would also err on the side of caution in all dealings with this man, as his past is a good indicator of his possible, and probable future re-actions.

Yes, do involve police in deciding what actions to take, and if he does become abusive or violent, ask for all the protection you can get from him and his angst.
I hope non of this is necessary, but please be prepared for anything.

barb dwyer

Hi and welcome to the forum!

I also lived in a small town
and was ignored by the police
who drank with my ex.

Make the report anyway.
Then ask for a copy
and let them see you address it to the county seat= the county sheriff.
if you are the county seat -

let them see you address it above their heads.

but make that report.
you may need it later.

I'm also keenly aware of the 'grapevines' in these towns.
and you're not alone.

welcome to SR!

24Years

Having read “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans, I have never forgotten the quote that “verbal abuse leads to physical abuse.” In your case, he has already been physically (violent) abusive. It seems reasonable to conclude (since he’s crossed that line) that any verbal abuse on his part should be a sign to you to have measures in place to protect you and your children fully. Don’t wait for him to be physically violent again.

Codie101

Please do not be embarassed about calling Hotline again for help. I have been reading about abuse for myself and it seems that most women stay in the relationship and/or go back. No not the best thing to do for your safety, but it happens. If you call the Hotline, they will help you. They are bound by confidentiality even in a small town. I think I would definitely call them first and get them to help you with the car issues. Believe me, they will. They may also help with the police. You need someone to advocate on your behalf.

jensday71

He had not contacted me in two days which was a happy surprise. Today he texted and said he would meet me at DMV to switch things over. I asked what time and he has yet to respond. If I don't hear back from him I have decided not to do anything until this weekend when my dad is back in town. He has always respected my father so I'm going to have my dad contact him and offer to help get the car transferred. If that doesn't work I will call the safe house here and ask them how to proceed.

naive

hi jensday-

i was with a bully too. i discovered that you need to stand up to a bullly...what i mean is say what you will do and then do it! no stalling. the minute you stall, they take the upper hand back.

regarding the car, do not delay. if he drives drunk and hurts someone or causes damage, you will be liable, as you put the car in your name to avoid insurance premiums.

regarding your father's visit, will the DMV be open on the weekend?

remember, the car title is in YOUR name. that means that you can transfer it as long as you have the title.

i don't really understand why he has to meet you at the DMV...i live in the UK, but isn't transferring a title something that can be done via the post? as in, you sign, he signs and drop it in the mail? and if so, YOU drop it in the mail, do not leave it in his hands.

if that is true, then you could arrange to meet him somewhere (not your house or his) when your father can accompany you and take care of this business in a coffee shop, or some neutral place.

he sounds dangerous to me. he already smashed up the last car. the next thing he might smash up is you.

as for the police and your embarassment, many woman return to an abusive partner...it's commonplace...don't be embarassed.

your safety is the most important thing right now. think your plan all the way through and use all the organizations available to help you.

naive

jensday71

My father lives locally and is just away at the moment. He will be back this weekend, but will have to wait until Monday to take care of the paperwork.

The problem with the car is that I have no access to it and can't get the plate. Without returning the license plate to the DMV I will have a very hard time getting my name off the registration. The title is only a big deal because if I sign it and give it to him he will not follow through and get it transferred to his name. He will say I never gave the title to him and I will still be shown as the owner. I can file a stolen car report, but really want that to be my last resort. For my personal safety I will utilize the police, but I would prefer not to involve them about the car if possible. The DMV in our town is a tiny building two blocks from the police station. I know the people there and feel safe to see him there. Contacting the police about the car last time did not deter violence, it precipitated it and the police did nothing. When I called the police about the smashed car they said there was nothing they could do because I could not prove that he did it. I called the state police as well and they told me it was a matter for civil court. And when he broke the restraining order last time it took the state police 5 months to arrest him even though they knew his address, phone #, and place of work. Again, I will call if I feel my safety is threatened, but I don't have great faith in the police.

Verbena

It' sounds to me like you are afraid or more likely embarrassed to involve the police department. Public safety is your job. It doesn't matter what they think of having to go collect the car again. Sometimes you have allow yourself to feel the fear and then do what you need to do to protect yourself.

As someone else said make sure the police know the whole story. And, if you filed a complaint with them, get a copy if you don't already have one.

jensday71

You're right. I am afraid. It looks like I will have to involve the cops, but I am not thrilled about it. Will update in the morning.

Learn2Live

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Why are you going out of your way to accomodate him?
I would sell the car that is titled in my name.
Regarding the car in the garage, I would tell him he has one week before it is picked up and donated. Charities will come pick it up for free.

I have dealt with this situation many times. You teach people how to treat you. Continue to allow him to take advantage of you and he will.

LexieCat

Too bad you can't find out when he's driving drunk. The police would have to impound the car, and since you have the title, you could get the car, sell it, and give him the money.

LOL, that isn't legal advice, BTW. Just thinking outside the box.

kilt

Sit down with a detective at the police department and tell him/her what you have told us. They will give you some advice.

Take anything you have of value, that he could get at, and hide it away. You might even be able to leave the car at a nearby farm or maybe the police would be nice enough to allow you to keep it in their lot for free. Change the locks on the doors. Lock all the windows. Change your habits. Let your supervisor know what is going on so if the jerk shows up at your workplace, they will know how to handle it. Change all your credit cards and event change your bank. Start having all your mail sent to a friends address (so he doesn't raid your mailbox) and take a self defense class. I heard it said in a movie once "You have a divine animal right to protect your life and the lives of your children". Sister, do whatever you have to do to stay safe. F**k his feelings. He is out of control. Separate yourself from him legally (no car insurance for him) and get mad. You need to get mad. You need to get really mad because you are going to need that anger to be strong. He is the p*SSy for living off a woman. He is the jerk for scaring a woman and destroying her stuff. You are better off without him.

Tuffgirl

This is great advice. Get angry and set boundaries and follow through this time. Bullies can only bully you if you let them.

You tried this once and then went back to him. He probably doesn't believe you this time. Make it stick and run for the hills!