Baschoen

So this is my first post here so I wanted to give you guys somewhat of a background on my story. So my senior year of college I got into opiates somewhat hardcore... oxycontin to be specific. By second semester I was pretty hooked either using that or some suboxone every day just to avoid withdrawals. This was/is a big issue of mine - Fear of Withdrawal. When I first came home and admitted to my parents I had a problem I was very anti AA and rehab (as were my parents). To make a long story short I started on suboxone in May of 2010 and around November started having issues when I dropped from 4mgs of suboxone a day to 2mgs. All the while I was experiencing bad anxiety and depression. (I am dual-diagnosis as they call it - Generalized anxiety disorder, Seasonal Effective Disorder, and some general depression occasionally). So I finally was guided down the treatment route and found a great program where they promised to help get me off suboxone as well as teach me to live life sober. The program was an amazing experience (it was IOP) but at the same time I was going through the program I was gradually decreasing my suboxone dosage. Because of this I would have days of pretty bad withdrawal but nothing unmanageable. Had to stay a couple weeks longer than the normal person because of this suboxone taper. While I was in treatment I was a model student I stayed sober, I listened, always participated I was the favorite of most of the counselors (not to brag or anything haha). So on Monday of this week the doctor asked me if I was ready to start 0mgs of suboxone (true sobriety). I told her I didn't know, but I didn't feel like I had much of a choice, I was sick of making the withdrawal last longer and longer and just wanted it to be over w. At the same time I had heard all these horror stories about suboxone withdrawal and how awful it is once you get down to 0 mg's and how long it lasts (~2Weeks). I got myself all worked up monday night and instead of calling my sponsor or going to a meeting I took a phone call from someone I hadn't spoken to in a really long time and he offered me some roxicodones and opana er's. This was the first time i was faced with drugs in my short time in recovery and I just couldn't say no. I know I should have called my sponsor said no, gone to a meeting, and a million other things but I was just so blinded by my fear of dealing with the suboxone withdrawal that I just wanted to find an easier, softer way, as Bill once stated it. I figured I could slowly taper myself off these drugs and that this would be much easier than the suboxone withdrawal. Well of course once I did my first line I couldn't really think about how much i needed to save to do a taper, or how i was going to explain to people why I was fine when I should have been withdrawaling. I didn't give a **** I just wanted to be high and not think about it . Now its Wednesday and after two days of using with extreme guilt I think what I have to do is tell my sponsor, the people at the program, and my parents. I'm so ashamed of myself, tomorrow was supposed to be my last day I doubt they will let me leave now? I don't know if they'll put me back on Suboxone for a few days? I really don't know what to expect from my sponsor cuz our relationship is pretty new and I don't know what to expect from my parents, or the conselors at my treatment facility, and even everyone in group who looks up to me because of how successful I was in the beginning. I'm meeting with my sponsor at 630 central time tonight and then attending a 730 meeting. I PLAN to tell my sponsor at 630 and then say something at the meeting... Hopefully if i get some positive feedback that will give me the courage to go into treatment early tomorrow and tell the counselors and my doctor what I did and why I did it. That being said, its all I can think about. I can't focus on anything because I am so scared of admitting what I did. I let my ego get the best of me, maybe I can help people though by showing them that relapse is easy and don't get overconfident.

Sorry for the ramble, but I have been looking for a good place to come and discuss recovery online. This seems to be an awesome place. If anyone has any advice on disclosing to people about a relapse PLEASE PLEASE respond. And please help me talk myself into telling everyone because I still have that voice in my head that's saying hide it, you can get away with it. I know thats the addict in me talking but right now im very anxious and scared.

bigred95

Welcome to SR, this place will give lots of help and support.
I am a senior in college who once used opiates as my drug of choice, i later switched to alcohol. I was quiet about my opiate addiction and didnt even tell my parents or go to support. But then again i didnt stay sober, i just started drinking all the time. Coming out to people about this disease was one of the hardest things i have ever done.

But once i did, man it was a huge weight off my back. I found the support i needed to get my life back. The more you talk to people the more you will learn that almost all of us did not succeed the first time we tried to quit. There were many speed bumps. The important thing is to look at why you relapsed and change your plan of action to help you more. Telling others may definitely help in this situation.

Best of luck and keep us updated

Baschoen

My sponsor wouldn't drop me would he?

Eddiebuckle

Baschoen, we don't keep secrets - they keep us. It sounds like you know that you need to be honest to all who are in your support network. IMO that is what you should do. If your sponsor has an issue with it, guess what? Find a new sponsor. I'm not saying all of this is easy - but it is simple. Fear, shame and guilt are the handmaidens of our disease. Kick those b*s to the curb, or they will rule your life.

You are human, & humans make mistakes. You can do this - have a little faith, it WILL work out.

Dee74

Hi Baschoen
You already know what to do - you just gotta do it - I think you'll be glad you did

You'll find a lot of support here too - you may also find our substance abuse and suboxone maintenance and detox forums worth visiting

Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Suboxone/Methadone Maintenance or Detox - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome
D

artsoul

Welcome Baschoen - I don't think anyone at AA/NA is going to drop out of their seats.... unfortunately, it happens to the best of us. The great thing is that you ARE telling someone: us! And you're reaching out for support. You're doing all the right things!

The addict in us wants to hide, but we're better people than that. We working on being all we can be - and while it's scary to be honest, it's really worth it in the end. Hugs.....

blackcat123

You messsed up..but you are human and ppl. get that. the road is long ive learned and not straight. there are curves and bumps all along the way. but you are going back and that my dear is all that matters. Good luck to you!

Maryjan

Welcome.

Baschoen

Met with my sponsor... he was great about it! said you're being honest it happens to the best of us.... I also said it at a meeting and a bunch of people came up to me and said it happens the important thing is youre back. That made me so happy. Just gotta get over the last hump.... telling every1 in treatment.

Dee74

good for you Baschoen

D