Should I? (Oh, those nasty excuses!)

Old 01-19-2011, 05:25 AM
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Should I? (Oh, those nasty excuses!)

I mentioned in another post that I have a packed suitcase in the hall outside my bedroom. I have told AH that I am not living with him if he continues to drink.

He went to "Home Depot" yesterday and came back drunk--not real drunk, and very functional--he shoveled the driveway, helped me with a problem on my computer, but... he drank. I also noticed he was on Continental.com and I'm SO afraid he's thinking of surprising me with an anniversary trip (our anniversary is at the end of this month)--I refuse to go--even if he says he doesn't intend to drink. No way do I have faith that he'd follow through on that promise.

So, I contacted the owner of a winter home for rent to see if it's still available.

Here are the "yeah, buts"--

I have been trying to whittle down a LOT of debt and made great headway last year. If I have to plunk down $1k a month for my own place that would really put a ding in my efforts. HOWEVER, if I may be able to make up half of it by adjusting my budget in other areas.

I do a lot of work on my home phone--at times, it's what I do for a living. I'd have to use my cell phone for hours and hours of work, which might be very expensive. HOWEVER, on those few days I'd have to rely on my cell phone, I could go to the office of the people who subcontract me and maybe use an empty office and their land-line.

I have a dog. The place I'm looking to rent allows dogs. Would I take her, or would I leave her home? Or just do a "joint custody" thing? I am her primary caregiver--I walk her, I play with her, etc. But her home base is here.

I have other things in the house I MIGHT want to protect, not necessarily bring. (Memorabilia, etc.) Do I just trust that they'll be fine here, or do I get a storage locker somewhere?

Those are just some of the things rattling around in my brain this morning.

But, when the owner gets back to me, if the answer is, "yes, the house is still available" should I or shouldn't I? And do I just leave now, or start Feb 1?
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Old 01-19-2011, 06:01 AM
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I had a lot of similar worries, nearly all evaporated or were made better by leaving an actively drinking alcoholic.

debts: I made much more headway with mine once I was completely in charge of my own budget, without having to cover for someone elses mistakes, usage of common stuff and when I had a peaceful home, I didn't have to pay to escape for hours or days (every sunday morning I took the children to a play centre because AH was so mean if they made any noise at all - even footsteps upstairs, now they play at home as LOUD as they want). My gas/electric bills halved, because I don't leave the heating and three TVs on all day when I leave the house. My grocery budget halved because I don't snack on tomorrow's family evening meal in the middle of the night when I come to from being passed out or say I want to eat and then leave home-cooked meals on the side uneaten. I stay within budget effortlessly.

Phones: sounds like a plan, or get a different call-package that would change your pricing structure.

Dog: children and pets adapt, the dog will learn to be happy with whatever you decide. Joint custody sounds like a recipe for ongoing problems, but you know your situation best.

all of the above and many more can be overcome (although I worried about lots of similar things when I made the decision to go, and the debts thing was one of my excuses for not jumping ship earlier).

Do you want to continue to live like this? Is the packed bag there so that you can leave right now whenever you need to or a method to remind him how serious you are? the latter isn't sustainable.

now or on feb first: it's a matter of days, do whichever is best for you. (())
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Old 01-19-2011, 06:23 AM
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Originally Posted by SoloMio View Post

So, I contacted the owner of a winter home for rent to see if it's still available.



I do a lot of work on my home phone--at times, it's what I do for a living. I'd have to use my cell phone for hours and hours of work, which might be very expensive. HOWEVER, on those few days I'd have to rely on my cell phone, I could go to the office of the people who subcontract me and maybe use an empty office and their land-line.

I have a dog. The place I'm looking to rent allows dogs. Would I take her, or would I leave her home? Or just do a "joint custody" thing? I am her primary caregiver--I walk her, I play with her, etc. But her home base is here.

I have other things in the house I MIGHT want to protect, not necessarily bring. (Memorabilia, etc.) Do I just trust that they'll be fine here, or do I get a storage locker somewhere?

Those are just some of the things rattling around in my brain this morning.

But, when the owner gets back to me, if the answer is, "yes, the house is still available" should I or shouldn't I? And do I just leave now, or start Feb 1?
Get an unlimited cell phone plan, many carriers have them ranging from $30, $50, $100. (virgin, boost, sprint)

take the dog so you don't feel lonely

wait til they say yay or no before figuring out the "now or feb 1st part" because that should be any day now, but find out all you can about your "leave now" options so you are ready on a dime. : ). Good luck.

deal with the storage drama later, get yourself (with the dog) out first.
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Old 01-19-2011, 06:25 AM
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Have you listed the pros and cons of each scenario? It's always helpful to see it in black and white.
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Old 01-19-2011, 06:33 AM
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sorry - I've re-read that and it sems to come accross in a terse manner that wasn't my intention.

You are a strong capable woman, you will overcome any difficulties. I know this because I didn't know if I would financially survive or physically be able to cope with 2 kids entirely on my own, but I did, I am and we are thriving. Until I was OUT of the chaos and the lies and general rubbish that living with an alcoholic brings, I couldn't see how much of my resources were drained by that, and how much better I would do when I wasn't living watching it all.

I was also unsure I was doing the right thing (should I give him one more chance to really get that I was serious?) until AFTER the words had left my lips stating that I was now leaving, and started taking action. Once they had, I felt such relief that I knew it was right. My ex left, he said he would go rather than me in order to let the children remain in the house: actually he did this in order to delay and control the situation ramping up the pressure to get me to default to the normal order of things. It took 10 very long weeks for him to leave, with one bag of clothes, to an apartment that was completely furnished and available the day I said I was going. with him going backwards and forwards over whether he was going, he finally left 2 days before I was due to sign to rent a house 20 miles away. Those 10 weeks were very hard, so my preference for leaving would always be as soon as practically possible. Just be prepared.

I often hesitate to post just how much wonderfully better life is not living with my ex, because it can come accross as pressure to leave, and that's not my intention: you will make abolutely the best decision for you, in your own good time. (())
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Old 01-19-2011, 07:04 AM
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where were the most checks whenyou made yer list?

I'm with tjp, and I think cerwiden hit it:

"do you want to continue to live like this?"
because that's what it boils down to.
I didn't think it was harsh at all.
It's down to the 'let's get this done' time ...
and that just is what it is.

we've all seen 'them' make these huge 'gifty' changie looking things.
we've all watched them buy us stuff make us stuff,do chores they never did
we've all lived through the hell on earth of them 'look I"m not drinking this week'...

...all until the next time.

How long has your bag been packed?
in my pre-coffee opinion ...

he should continue to make positive changes in a permanent way
for at least as long as that bag has been packed.

or am I wrong?
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Old 01-19-2011, 07:06 AM
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Originally Posted by JenT1968 View Post

You are a strong capable woman, you will overcome any difficulties. I know this because I didn't know if I would financially survive or physically be able to cope with 2 kids entirely on my own, but I did, I am and we are thriving. Until I was OUT of the chaos and the lies and general rubbish that living with an alcoholic brings, I couldn't see how much of my resources were drained by that, and how much better I would do when I wasn't living watching it all.


I often hesitate to post just how much wonderfully better life is not living with my ex, because it can come accross as pressure to leave, and that's not my intention: you will make abolutely the best decision for you, in your own good time. (())
Same for me, once I was out from under the same roof as active alcoholism, my clarity improved 100 fold.

Every time my mind began playing the "second guessing myself" game, HP stepped in with example after example, courtesy of axw's behavior, to show me how blessed my decision was.

When my path hasn't been clear, I've found by asking and quietly waiting, the answers were revealed. You'll know.

That's been my experience.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

ETA A separation doesn't always have to be permanent or lead to divorce.
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Old 01-19-2011, 08:48 AM
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What's the word on house availability?
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Old 01-19-2011, 08:50 AM
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Thanks so much!

The owner got back to me and said she'll be back in town on the 30th and we can talk then. I really like this little house, so I'm going to use this time to dot some i's and cross some t's logistics-wise, and then we'll see....

Ceridwen/JenT, you didn't come across terse AT ALL. I appreciate your sharing the details of your experience--it's so encouraging.

"Do I want to live like this?" and "have I made the pros/cons list?": The answer to that is, I'm at that point that I LOVE when it comes to stuff like this. I feel the "right thing" in my bones, so it's not a matter of lists anymore. It's just a matter of doing it.

He told me he thinks he's doing "better" with the drinking. OK, if you think embarrassing your adult children and making them cry twice in two weeks is doing "better" I'd hate to see "worse."

As for me, as I said to him, I'm no longer content to be nothing more than a drinking buddy, sitting on the sidelines, watching him kill himself.

You guys are awesome. I'll keep you posted.
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Old 01-19-2011, 09:39 AM
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Originally Posted by coyote21
Same for me, once I was out from under the same roof as active alcoholism, my clarity improved 100 fold.

Every time my mind began playing the "second guessing myself" game, HP stepped in with example after example, courtesy of axw's behavior, to show me how blessed my decision was.

When my path hasn't been clear, I've found by asking and quietly waiting, the answers were revealed. You'll know.
Just wanted to address this, too... this is what I mean when I said I feel it in my bones.. so true, how those answers are revealed.

Also, coyote, you're like my mom who always used to "shoot one up" and then wait for the HP to respond...

In this case, today, one of my excuses for NOT moving was, "Oh, but I'll have to drive an hour to do my banking" (really lame, I know). I have a kind of small, local bank. Well, I looked up locations for this bank, and DO YOU KNOW that I could WALK to my bank from the new place? There's a branch about 7 blocks away.

And regarding the debt, yesterday a very small job came out of the blue--meaning it will be quick--I'll be done with it by next week--and I'll get about the equivalent of the security deposit.

How's THAT for HP talkin'?
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Old 01-19-2011, 09:55 AM
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Originally Posted by SoloMio View Post
How's THAT for HP talkin'?
It's funny, once you let go, all the little things just kind of add up.

This was actually the topic of discussion at the AlAnon meeting I went to last night... Someone mentioned in illustration that a friend of theirs was wondering if she should go try and fix her relationship with a guy she had a crush on named "Bob," and as she was wondering about this and driving along the highway, she passed a giant billboard announcing "Forget About Bob!"

Once you stop worrying about trying to control everything, and you start relaxing and removing the "alcoholic influence" from your life, it's amazing how many little useful post-it notes God sends your way.
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Old 01-19-2011, 10:13 AM
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post
Someone mentioned in illustration that a friend of theirs was wondering if she should go try and fix her relationship with a guy she had a crush on named "Bob," and as she was wondering about this and driving along the highway, she passed a giant billboard announcing "Forget About Bob!"
Dang!!!! Uh, yeah.... I'd call that a very clear answer! LOL
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Old 01-19-2011, 01:22 PM
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Hey, SoloMio. Just wanted to add the following:

I would consider taking anything you want, or think you might want, with you when you move out. I know that not all A's are like my XAH and there are a lot of other factors with him that may not come into play in your situation, but I trusted him to bring the rest of my stuff (cross-country skis, books, our son's other toys, etc.) like he said he would or at least keep it some where I could get to it when I was able to pick it up myself. Everything I left is gone.

That being said, it's just stuff. If he does take care of it for you and you can get it when you have space for it, shiny bonus. My main do-over would be trying to find a way to take my cat with us when we left. So, I would definitely take your dog, especially if you're the main caretaker any way. (I have no idea what XAH did with 2 of the cats we had together.)

Best wishes. You are amazing!
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Old 01-19-2011, 01:34 PM
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Solomio, you got good ideas from the prior posters and now HP has put in as well.

My dear friend's faith took a battering with her wayward daughter's drug problem, and as she slowly walked to post the office mail, she asked for a sign that she was on the right track.
Got to the corner and up before her, pulls a white Mack truck with the words, "FAITH WORKS" staring her straight in the face. She did the mail and almost ran back to her office, to call me and tell me what happened.

I have prayed for help from my HP (GOD), and received it, (not always as I had expected), and only this week, with all these awful floods making life hell, I really gave Him a load to handle. Hour later I got a big brochure in my mailbox, advertising how HP could make life easier.

OK, so it referred to Hewlett Packard computers etc, but all I saw was HP all over it, so took it as my answer to that prayer.
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