Living my life.. feelings of guilt
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 18
Living my life.. feelings of guilt
First I want to start by saying, the more I read and listen the more I realize how sick I AM. Im codependant. And here all these years I thought AH was the only one with issues.
Im doing my best to detach. Not snooping, not buying drug tests. More importantly for me, not waiting for AH to join our life( kids and me). I feel like my life has been in a holding pattern for years.
I tend to isolate myself. Affraid to do anything. I can't do this anymore. I need to live. Going to the local convience store this weekend to buy milk, filled me with feelings of guilt. Like I was doing something wrong. I had to keep telling myself.. your not doing anything wrong... your not doing anything wrong.. your allowed to leave the house.
Took daughter to a b day party( saturday afternoon). Originally I couldnt RSVP because I had no idea what AH would be doing that day at that moment. Friday(even though, I was having a bad day) I called and committed to go. Both daughter and I had a great time. I met some nice people and daughter got to be around her friends.
Saturday night I was invited to go to dinner with 2 girlfriends. Again, I thought it would be easier to just stay home. But I forced myself to go. Had my Mom come over to babysit(even though ah was home). I had a great time. We sat for 3 hours and just talked about everything and anything. What fun!! Honestly... I have never done that before. Im always the one to say NO sorry cant go.
Yesterday I took my kids iceskating. I always talk about doing things with them and never do. Im waiting to do these things. Waiting for AH to want to do them with us. Waiting.. in a holding pattern. I took them, drove to the city, had a great time, made good memories with them all by myself!!
Why does it feel like Im doing something wrong? I know im not doing anything wrong, Im doing things to make me and my kids happy. I think Im feeling guilt, but im not sure. Maybe its because Im not use to feeling. I also think im feeling a bit of sadness. The feelings pass and I am able to enjoy myself. Im so messed up I dont even know what Im feeling. BUT.. I will continue to do what is best for me and my children. I'll feel these crappy feelings and move on. I DO NOT want to wait any longer. I CAN'T wait any longer. Thank you for reading.
Im doing my best to detach. Not snooping, not buying drug tests. More importantly for me, not waiting for AH to join our life( kids and me). I feel like my life has been in a holding pattern for years.
I tend to isolate myself. Affraid to do anything. I can't do this anymore. I need to live. Going to the local convience store this weekend to buy milk, filled me with feelings of guilt. Like I was doing something wrong. I had to keep telling myself.. your not doing anything wrong... your not doing anything wrong.. your allowed to leave the house.
Took daughter to a b day party( saturday afternoon). Originally I couldnt RSVP because I had no idea what AH would be doing that day at that moment. Friday(even though, I was having a bad day) I called and committed to go. Both daughter and I had a great time. I met some nice people and daughter got to be around her friends.
Saturday night I was invited to go to dinner with 2 girlfriends. Again, I thought it would be easier to just stay home. But I forced myself to go. Had my Mom come over to babysit(even though ah was home). I had a great time. We sat for 3 hours and just talked about everything and anything. What fun!! Honestly... I have never done that before. Im always the one to say NO sorry cant go.
Yesterday I took my kids iceskating. I always talk about doing things with them and never do. Im waiting to do these things. Waiting for AH to want to do them with us. Waiting.. in a holding pattern. I took them, drove to the city, had a great time, made good memories with them all by myself!!
Why does it feel like Im doing something wrong? I know im not doing anything wrong, Im doing things to make me and my kids happy. I think Im feeling guilt, but im not sure. Maybe its because Im not use to feeling. I also think im feeling a bit of sadness. The feelings pass and I am able to enjoy myself. Im so messed up I dont even know what Im feeling. BUT.. I will continue to do what is best for me and my children. I'll feel these crappy feelings and move on. I DO NOT want to wait any longer. I CAN'T wait any longer. Thank you for reading.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((LFM))
Sounds like you are changing - becoming healthier and taking the focus off ah and putting it on you and your children!
The family disease of alcoholism/addiction tends to make us forget about taking care of us - it begins to make us focus completely on the addict/alcoholic and all their issues -
In my experience I became so busy problem solving for my ex ah that I never had time to do any thing I wanted to do - heck I even forgot what I LIKED to do.
It probably feels a little uncomfortable because it is "change" and those old ways of thinking begin to tell us we can't be happy if our mate isn't happy.
But the truth is we can't make them happy - we can only do the best to make ourselves the healthiest and happiest person possible. That is the greatest gift we can give our spouse, children and friends -
PINK HUGS to you!!
Rita
Sounds like you are changing - becoming healthier and taking the focus off ah and putting it on you and your children!
The family disease of alcoholism/addiction tends to make us forget about taking care of us - it begins to make us focus completely on the addict/alcoholic and all their issues -
In my experience I became so busy problem solving for my ex ah that I never had time to do any thing I wanted to do - heck I even forgot what I LIKED to do.
It probably feels a little uncomfortable because it is "change" and those old ways of thinking begin to tell us we can't be happy if our mate isn't happy.
But the truth is we can't make them happy - we can only do the best to make ourselves the healthiest and happiest person possible. That is the greatest gift we can give our spouse, children and friends -
PINK HUGS to you!!
Rita
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