cb12

I was on the Borders website looking for some new reading material, and I did a search for ACoA books. And I came across a book titled, "Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic."
I am ok with reading books about being an ACoA, but books about loving me? I feel a little offended.

And the tables have turned...

I just needed to get that out.

chicory

CB12,
I know what you mean.
I remember that book. But I found it when I was married and having the hardest time making my H understand where I was coming from. All the time. That book explained it for me, but honestly, if someone read that book before they got involved with an aca, they might decide to run the other way- fast!
just made us sound so very needy- but I guess the author was trying to cover all the bases.

cb12

I had to talk this one out with a friend. It seems baffling to me that after all of the work we do to recover and become the best we can be, our lovers would still need a book to figure "us" out.

I guess, I should be happy if a lover sought out a book to learn about how I grew up as the child of an alcoholic. It just seems a little impersonal. On the other hand, if you want to know how to love me, ask me, don't consult a book...

I'm still processing this one, but I won't dwell on it. After all it's only a book.

DesertEyes

I remember that book!!!

Actually, it's for loving an ACoA who has _not_ had any recovery. Once we get our "stuff" straightened out we don't need no explaining. Like you said, they can just ask us and we can answer.

But _before_ recovery? I had no idea what was wrong with me, never mind explain it to somebody else.

Mike

cb12

Thanks for clarifying DesertEyes. I'm half tempted to buy it and read it-- just because I'm nosy and want to know what it says...

hopingforlife

Not necessarily. sometimes it helps to know that the things that the acoa go through are common place, and not just the opinion of the person who is going though it. And not everyone who has had *some* or even a lot of recovery is perfectly able to help their loved one understand.

Payne

That doesn't really surprise me a lot, since we realized that this explains a large root of my personal issues many of my friends have been attempting to understand it as best as they can. I personally hope that someday I won't identify as an ACOA but as just me, but I'm sure those traits will always linger, and the better those who care about me understand it the better we can communicate and I feel to a certain extent that may never change.

MyBeautifulYou

haha, I kinda want to read this book. But it could very well make me mad. I think what DesertEyes said is right. It makes sense that when things are so complicated to us, it be more complicated to others. The thought behind the book seems good.

chicory

I had recently become involved with ACA meetings, thanks to a dear recovering alcoholic friend who recognized things in me. She asked if I had been around alcoholics, and yep , both parents were. so, off I went to aca. \
I thought that if my hubby read it coming from someone else, he would believe me, and not think I was making excuses. Fpr instance,how I had a hard time with change, and with someone being late and not calling,blah blah blah. It did not help us, but I think it probably educated him a bit.
I actually felt very vulnerable about him reading it- like my most guarded secret weaknesses were being revealed. I think it just gave him something more to hold against me, and cemented his resolve to end the marriage-lol. like "no hope for her-too much baggage." It actually was a good t hing to end that marriage. so, sorry for the ramble. this thread about that book brought back some memories-ugh.

GingerM

My husband found, bought and read this book. He almost never reads books. He found it incredibly useful both in terms of my behavior (and I'm pretty far down the recovery path, but still have triggers that catch me unawares), and in terms of how my family functions. It's very difficult for someone who has not lived with Alcoholic/Addicts/toxic families to understand just what exactly is going on.

It's not uncommon for my husband to say to me "Can you explain your father's thinking when he said/did X?" and each time, my reply is always "I can explain it, but it still won't make any sense to you."

That particular book helped him tremendously. He has said so many times. He knows that when a trigger happens and I slip into "Full Alert! Incoming!" mode, that any responses he gets are really not being said to him - they are being said to a situation that happened long ago, but left their imprint so deeply in my psyche that my brain still tries to "protect me".

As Mike said - it's for loving people who have not been through recovery. But that doesn't mean it's not helpful to those who love us ACoA's, despite our occasional outbursts or weirdness, even when we've come a long way down the recovery path.

Payne

I know I would love to have some of the people in my life read that book and get a better idea. Somedays the only answer I get from people is "you have to get over that" or "that's crazy to think that way" and its nearly impossile for them to understand that i am working to get over that but its not just understanding what messed up my thought process its years of breaking a habit one that isn't as easy to see a cracking knuckles. And "that's crazy" I know it's crazy! I want to think differently too!

cb12

Once again, I am grateful for your responses. The more I think about the book, its purpose(s) and reading your responses multiple times (just to ensure my understanding); I'm not as offended as I originally thought.

After work today, I'm going to see if I can pick it up and read it. I judged a book by it's title and that's unfair. I am glad that the author has made an attempt to put our childhoods into terms that a "normie" would understand-- I don't think I could do it. From your responses it seems like it has.

I was trying to explain to a very good guy friend of mine that I had started this recovery process, and he said something like, "Well I hope you enjoy the program." It took all of my strength not to overreact. I thought about recommending the book to him, but I second-guessed myself and didn't.

simplyfab

I get the same response. "You're already an adult! It's time for you to get over it."
And this is from my Mom!

I grew up w/ alcoholic parents. I didn't know my dad was until I was 11 yrs old. The whole drinking, then rehab, drinking, rehab, drinking, rehab, then just...drinking, which led to permanent seperation of my parents, was a time in my life that still hurts till this day.
It's shaped how I view things and unfortunately, men.
(Fathers shape how woman see men and how they value themselves. After all, fathers are the first impression and example of a man a girl has. *My opinion)

Anywho...
I'd love for my BF to read it. As well as myself.
I have so many childhood issues that I've lugged around into my adulthood. I've been in a number of unhealthy relationships and when I did find the right guy who treated me right, I didn't know how to respond to it.

Finally, I let him love me and it was amazing.
Every once in a while my issues would surface and would rock the boat, but he hung in there. He knew my childhood and about my past relationships.
Never did he try to "fix" me.
He understood, to a certain extent. I mean, how can he fully understand what i went through and what I was feeling when i still, til this day, don't understand it myself.

Then, I started drinking heavily after our daughter was born.
And all he understood went out the window. It didn't matter what i went through anymore because all he knew was, I was becoming the person I was angry at and missed so much. The person who i swore I'd never become, because how can somebody choose alcohol over their family?
I became my father.

Anyway...i think I went off subject here! =/
Sorry, my mind goes about 100 mph when I'm typing away on these threads.
It feels good get things off my chest.

So, yea..
Going by what I've read from previous posts, I dont think we're gonna have some sort of epiphany reading the book.
But I think and hope it'll open up conversations and make it easier to ask and answer questions.
And if thats the minimum..then its worth it.

I'm gonna go download the book now...

TryingisDying

I know that I have been totally affected by my parents drinking and have learned some "Odd" ways to cope...It makes someone who is "normal" have a hard time understanding what the heck we are doing and why we do it....It helps them to understand us a little better!

cb12

Doh! It's only available online...

I can relate to you simplyfab. I think my parents separation and eventual divorce was something that I am still hurt by. Secondly, you mentioned how it's shaped your view of things and men-- I had a guy who flirted with me for a couple months tell me that because I had "daddy issues" that it's tainted the way I view men. I still haven't determined whether or not that's true.

Thanks for your responses, y'all!

cb12

I figured out the cool quote thing!

GingerM

Glad you figured out the quote thing!

Why is it only being available online an issue?

As an aside, I think this listing (from my favorite independent bookseller) has the best most concise description of what the book's purpose is: Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic by Douglas Bey - Powell's Books

cb12

Powell's Books is one of my favorites! Thanks for the link, I'll check it out.

I just felt a little stupid when I showed up at my local borders searching for it...

tabfan

GingerM,

Well, I, for one, would like to have the actual book in my hand. That way I can take it with me when waiting in line at the bank, post office, sitting on the toilet, on break time at work, etc... Guess I'm from the ole' skool, but I love to have a tangible copy of my literature.

All the comments I heard on the subject of this book are very interesting. I would like to check-out this book myself. I checked out your links to this book and it sounds good.

Now, for what it's worth, I will give you MY opinion on having a book written about us ACOA's.......

Well, my "significant other" is an recovering addict. He doesn't have as much time as I do in the 12-Step Programs. He is still learning how great sobriety and abstinence can be! I give him a lot of credit for making it this far. I remember how it was for me during those first three years; It was great sometimes and overwhelming at other times. I say, BRAVO to anyone taking those first few steps!

I've known I was an ACOA since I was a kid. I didn't know back then that there was a title (name) for us. Everyone has their own "story" so I won't go into that.

Suffice it to say, my boyfriend probably came from an alcoholic family too. (At least ONE of his parents was an alcoholic, as far as I can see) I got into ACOA even before I learned about anything else. It helped to see that there was a "reason" I behaved the way I did.

I was always a loner. I get so jealous of my boyfriend having his family always around him, trying to help him. I want to say: "Ya big baby! I had no one except a spouse who wanted me to stop all this 'program sh*t" and get back to the relationship we had BEFORE!" My (now "ex") spouse was sure I was going to go back to the person I was before I discovered the 12-Steps. I never did. We eventually divorced. I was angry at God for awhile because I thought if I would never have walked into ACOA meetings back then, I would still be married to him! Yikes! (Can anyone say "CRAZY" here?!!!!!) Now-a-days, I am so glad we divorced so many years ago. I have since moved on, growing and learning so much about myself. I have changed and am happy. Truly.


My "significant other" would probably benefit from such a book, but to tell you the truth, like someone else said here, I would feel almost "naked" with him knowing all about me. He would know what ticked me off and maybe use those things against me somehow. Which brings me to one of those characteristics of an ACOA: distrust.

Thanks for all your input! -tabfan

GingerM

tabfan - I am a big bibliophile. Electronic books just don't have that same appeal as the dead tree version.

I've read parts of the book I linked to, and it doesn't so much lay us open (you can't explain our kind of crazy to people who never lived it) as it helps the other person understand the "logic" behind our behaviors. If your significant couldn't push your buttons before, this book won't really make it any easier.