MissGuided

Hello!
After reading a few forums on the internet, this one seems a fit to me and I finally decided to join and post.
Now seems as good a time as any as my AH has just been admitted to the hospital for the 2nd time in 2 months. He was sent on his way 2 months ago with severe alcoholic hepaitis and was told that if he drank again he would not see 40 (hes 37)
And now hes back in again with swollen legs, feet and abdomen and having fluid drained from them. I know he couldnt have stopped drinking. obviously. Maybe he wasnt drinking his beloved Southern comfort anymore but he was still definitely drinking his equally beloved budweiser.
You see I cant really be sure of what he was drinking or how much because i left him in April after his first stint in rehab. He came out and was drinking a week later and i realized with a heavy heart that he was never going to change and for the sake of our 2 and half year old daughter i left.
I believe this is the end for him and that he is dying.
So now of course guilt weighs upon me and it doesnt matter how many times my friends and family say that it wasnt my fault and that he would still be drinking anyway whether I was still with him or not, i still cant help but feel that last years events just fast tracked him to where he is now.
Anyway, wow, I'm sorry i didnt mean to go on so much, it was only supposed to be an introductory post, but i must say i feel half better already just typing this. So thanks, and HI!!

StarCat

The three C's:

You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it


The truth of the matter is that an alcoholic will not stop drinking until the alcoholic decides they have had enough. It is a difficult process for them, and they won't stick with it unless their heart is behind it for themselves. Most of them have to hit some sort of "bottom" before they seek help, and it's clear that for your A going to the hospital wasn't even his "bottom" yet.

There is nothing you can do for him, you need to take care of yourself and your lovely daughter. He has his own life, and his own decisions to make, it it's clear that he's choosing in favor of the alcohol.

(((HUGS)))

It's not easy. That's why all of us are here in this forum, because it is difficult to let go and let someone you love fall. But if they do not fall, how can they decide to pick themselves back up?

KerBearz

Welcome to SR. I am sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but I just wanted to say that you are not alone.

MissGuided

Thank you so much. This is exactly why i joined. I am not quite ready to go to al-anon meetings yet- I would have to go to one a gazillion miles away as everyone in the neighborhood knows my AH. And me. Oh did I mention I was a bartender? Yeah that adds a certain sadness to all this.
Thats how I met him actually. 8 years ago. I should have known to stay well away when he was coming into the bar at 9 oclock in the morning. God, the signs were all there!! wtf was I thinking? I was young, everybody was just having a good time, blah blah blah. and the signs continued and i denied denied denied. Because everytime I went to face it head on, this overwhelming sense of dread just came over me - like I couldnt breathe. So I carried on in my own little pretend blissful ignorance.
But I woke up and i was going to leave him. But then I got pregnant. so we got married. And I thought things would be better but they actually got worse!!! Or was I just more aware of it? the lies. the missing money. the lies the lies the lies.
His sister (just one member of his completely selfish unsupportive family) said 'Well she knew what he was when she married him' ugh! i feel like Im always defending my leaving him, in my own head! Like I am always giving myself reassuring pep talks! its mad!
Starcat, do you think that some people just dont have a bottom? I believed everyone did but my AH seriously cant get any lower, hes lost everything and now he has been told that he will absolutley die if he does not stop drinking NOW! It makes me feel like he just wants to die and that makes me so desperately sad

Cyranoak

...of using the reasoning below to not go to Al-Anon. It's the same reasoning alcoholics use to not go to AA meetings. There is no difference-- at all. Avoiding recovery is avoiding recovery.

I don't wish what you are experiencing on anybody, and I'm so very sorry you and your daughter are losing this man to alcoholism, but I truly believe that both your life, and that of your daughter will be better if you just get brave enough to go to your first meeting and five or more others.

I know my daughter's life got better when I did, and I went to a meeting in my neighborhood. Several. I've now been doing it for 8 years, and I wished I had started at least five years earlier. I could have saved myself and my daughter a lot of pain. A lot.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Phoenixthebird

LORD JESUS, GIVE ME YOUR PEACE. Give me confidence in the depths of danger. Give me hope when I am surrounded by fear. Still my worries, calm the anxieties pressing in on me from the world I live in. Reassure me that you are with me when I seem alone. Ease my doubting, as you did Thomas'. Guide my searching for peace, so that I may not seek it where it is not to be found, but I may seek it in you. Lord Jesus, live in me and give me your peace.
Amen.

naive

hi and welcome missguided-

i'm glad you picked our forum out of your internet research, as you've landed in the right spot. i've been here for two years now and it's changed my life.

i'm going to second cryanoak's encouragement that you try to attend alanon...

i'm not sure what the issue is with the fact that perhaps people might know you or AH? can you verbalize your concerns?

i discovered, initially, that i had been hiding the extent of my alcoholic's drinking. that kinda comes along with the disease...but you have nothing to be ashamed of or hide...and you do not need to protect his secret...

naive

Thumper

Hi and Welcome to SR.

Don't beat yourself up for not doing something differently in the past. You did the best you could. Today, you are not in denial. Today, you are making brave choices. Today, you are being a good mother and looking out for your daughter.

It is OK to be sad over the situation. Alcoholism brings sadness into our lives in layers. That doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong.

Have you read 'Co Dependent No More' ? That is a good book.

I'm sure everyone knows your ex is an alcoholic. You aren't going to be revealing any secrets. Everyone goes to al-anon for the same reason. Because they love someone with alcoholism. There is nothing to be ashamed about, no one there is going to cluck their tongues. They *know*. You may be surprised at how affirming it is to be with people that really get it.

StarCat

Some people have lower bottoms, and some would rather die than try to get help because it looks "too hard". The alcoholic won't start a true recovery until they view that the pain and difficulty to get well is less than the pain and difficulty to continue on their current path.
My ABF's alcohol was not bad enough to land him in the hospital, but he has a lung condition, and alcohol has made it impossible for him to breathe quite frequently. What does he do? Panics about not breathing, and drinks more whiskey, which makes the problem worse. That's how he does it, and any attempts I have made to stop this cycle have been unsuccessful and have resulted in him yelling at me and resenting me and drinking even more - so I started letting him do his thing.

Whatever he decides, it is his decision, and the best thing you can do for him is give him the dignity to make his decision for himself. If you try to force him to do what you feel is the right thing for him, the solution won't stick, and it will only cause resentment.
It's not easy, I know that. It does allow you to give some attention to yourself, and your recovery, and sorting out all the emotions rattling around inside you that you're afraid to address.
(((HUGS)))

I'd also like to point out that Al-Anon holds to a requirement for anonymity, so anything said in the room has to stay in the room. The people in the room are also there for the same reasons as you, they are not there to judge. They have similar problems to yours, and similar experiences.
You also don't have to talk at the meeting if you don't want to. You can just sit and listen to everyone else, there is no requirement to say anything at all.
And if you do decide to talk, you don't have to be afraid of breaking down into tears. There are always plenty of tissues. I think I used up an entire box by myself the first time I went, and in all the meetings I have been to there's always been at least three people who cried.

They're not judging you. They're in the same position as you, and sometimes just knowing you're not alone is enough to keep the strength to keep moving forward.

RollTide

I agree with StarCat. I live in a small town also. I have complete confidence that the things we say in meetings stay there. This forum and AlAnon saved my life. I put off going for a long time and when I did I wished I had started years earlier. It's the very best thing you can do for yourself. Like StarCat said...you don't have to say a word unless you feel like it. For me it was very therapeutic to be have a place to talk about what I was going through with others who understood.

barb dwyer

Welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry for the reason,
But they're right - you're not alone.

And I also lived in a small town
and attennded an AA meeting of two people.

Word 'got around' I'm sure -
but nobody *said* anything.

This is one of those times
that what others think
is not as important
that you get support.

From people who know what it feels like.

Verbena

I encourage you to attend an alanon meeting if there's one nearby. It really makes all the difference to have someone to talk to who understands your situation.

I have not attended alanon because the nearest meeting is about 1.5 hours away from my rural home. It's not worth the risk to drive over the mountain at night alone.

I'm fortunate though to have a couple of close friends to talk with. One has left and abusive relationship and the other is a recovering alcoholic married to a recovering alcoholic. (Neither of this married couple has had an alcoholic drink since 1989.)

barb dwyer

and now you can come here and meet when they have the chat meetings!

NYCDoglvr

Feelings aren't facts -- just so you know that you may feel guilt but that doesn't mean you have done anything wrong. What you must do is get a support group because this is too difficult to handle alone. Alanon!

MissGuided

Yes I am going to get to a meeting. I think it will really help. I dont know why I am afraid to run into someone I know...I mean if they are there too then we are in the same boat right?
You see I work in a bar in the neighborhood we live in, everyone knows AH, everyone knows his problem, people have seen him lately and are shocked at his apperance...he is completely jaundiced - head to foot. and his eyes are beyond yellow - they are nearly orange now!
I know all the bartenders in the neighborhood, so I am told of when he has been going into bars etc
then all my customers always ask how he is and of course always have to add their little anecdotes or feel the need to tell me of a recent sighting or rumour of him drinking.
It exasperates me! so to go to al-anon in the same neighborhood makes me balk a little bit. but i want to go, maybe i will go to one a couple of miles away instead.
am i being silly? i wish i could explain it better
(btw I would love to get out of this job but with a young mouth to feed and zero child support i dont have much choice for now but I am working on it!)

wicked

It seems as if everyone in town already knows his problem, and if he is jaundiced all over, he can hardly hide that.
But do what feels comfortable to you. Please go to a meeting.

Beth

Tuffgirl

I agree with the other posters here - Al Anon has been an eye opener and a sanity saver for me, and I only go about once a week as my schedule allows. This forum is awesome and keeps me focused on what's important... me and my children. Keep coming back!

Guilt is an emotion to feel when you have done something WRONG. Sadness is what you describe - watching someone you love kill themselves and not being able to do anything about it is so terribly sad. Sadness at losing the potential you saw in him, the dream you had for a family. I ache for the loss of the dream everyday. But I will NOT feel guilty for taking care of my family. Drinking himself to death is his choice, not mine. I choose to be healthy. That simple, yet so devastating at the same time. However, each day away from my AH brings a little less pain and a LOT more peace!

Cyranoak

...as long as you are in it.

You take care,

Cyranoak

Carol Star

Alanon saved my life. I wouldn't be ashamed of getting help for myself and my daughter. The people there have already lived your story. You will no longer be alone.