Asked to Be Accountability Partner
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 19
Asked to Be Accountability Partner
My best friend has made the step of telling his family that he is relapsing and needs to start meeting with his counselors again. This is one of the biggest hesitations that he had about admitting he needed help because he was fearful of being disowned. We had a very intense conversation about his addiction today, and I don't know, but today something finally got through and he ended up calling his parents after our talk and telling them that he is struggling and needs to start counseling again. I honestly never thought I would see this step, and I am so proud of him. His parents handled it better than he expected, and I glad that they are now aware of the situation so that I am not the only one he has to talk to.
His mother suggested that I be his accountability partner, ad he agrees that I am the best person because I tend to be objective, rational, and he trusts me more than anyone. His sponsor died and currently the people he has in his life are unaware of his issues (and he does not feel comfortable talking to them), have enabled him, or are active users. I am the only person that calls his ********, knows him well enough to tell when he is lying to me or himself, and I am one of the only people who seems to be able to get through to him at times. I seem the be the only one aware enough to notice when issues happens, and the only one he trusts enough to talk to.
I am honored that he respects and trusts me enough to ask. I am happy that he is making steps instead of saying words. But I do have misgivings about this. I am afraid that I am not informed enough to be able to help like someone else. I have had what might be considered more than an experimental phase with drugs, but I have never had the kind of addiction that he has. I also worry that I might be too close, he is after all my best friend. Our relationship has also been marked by codependency (something that we are actively trying to improve), and I fear that I might take things to an extreme that would hurt one of us. I also am afraid that the title of 'accountability partner' will put a lot of pressure on me, when I have always held him accountable in the past and called him on lies, which at times created problems between us. Also, in looking at what accountability should be, it mentions of the same gender, which we are not, but I am not sure if that matters since he is gay and I am a straight female.
What I am thinking is to agreeing to help him hold himself accountable, but with the stipulation that he actively seeks someone he thinks would serve as a sponsor who will be able to fit his needs better than I can. As a friend I am certainly willing to hold him accountable, but I don't want it to be something where he views me as all he needs because I honestly don't think I know enough to help him more than I have been. I think that as he attends meetings he can find a sponsor who is better suited.
I need some feedback on this. Does anyone have experience being an accountability partner? Would being a temporary accountability partner pose a risk until he can find a sponsor? Is the term 'accountability partner' any different than what I have been doing as a friend?
His mother suggested that I be his accountability partner, ad he agrees that I am the best person because I tend to be objective, rational, and he trusts me more than anyone. His sponsor died and currently the people he has in his life are unaware of his issues (and he does not feel comfortable talking to them), have enabled him, or are active users. I am the only person that calls his ********, knows him well enough to tell when he is lying to me or himself, and I am one of the only people who seems to be able to get through to him at times. I seem the be the only one aware enough to notice when issues happens, and the only one he trusts enough to talk to.
I am honored that he respects and trusts me enough to ask. I am happy that he is making steps instead of saying words. But I do have misgivings about this. I am afraid that I am not informed enough to be able to help like someone else. I have had what might be considered more than an experimental phase with drugs, but I have never had the kind of addiction that he has. I also worry that I might be too close, he is after all my best friend. Our relationship has also been marked by codependency (something that we are actively trying to improve), and I fear that I might take things to an extreme that would hurt one of us. I also am afraid that the title of 'accountability partner' will put a lot of pressure on me, when I have always held him accountable in the past and called him on lies, which at times created problems between us. Also, in looking at what accountability should be, it mentions of the same gender, which we are not, but I am not sure if that matters since he is gay and I am a straight female.
What I am thinking is to agreeing to help him hold himself accountable, but with the stipulation that he actively seeks someone he thinks would serve as a sponsor who will be able to fit his needs better than I can. As a friend I am certainly willing to hold him accountable, but I don't want it to be something where he views me as all he needs because I honestly don't think I know enough to help him more than I have been. I think that as he attends meetings he can find a sponsor who is better suited.
I need some feedback on this. Does anyone have experience being an accountability partner? Would being a temporary accountability partner pose a risk until he can find a sponsor? Is the term 'accountability partner' any different than what I have been doing as a friend?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
The best accountability partner is another recovering addict - someone who has been there and done that, someone who knows all the excuses because he has lived them, someone who has what your friend wants. That's why AA and NA are excellent programs. When it comes to getting and staying clean and sober, the 12 steps work. But only if the addict is willing to work them.
Ozone Ranger
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Dazed and confused
Posts: 138
Originally Posted by OpenYourEyes 
My best friend has made the step of telling his family that he is relapsing and needs to start meeting with his counselors again. This is one of the biggest hesitations that he had about admitting he needed help because he was fearful of being disowned. We had a very intense conversation about his addiction today, and I don't know, but today something finally got through and he ended up calling his parents after our talk and telling them that he is struggling and needs to start counseling again. I honestly never thought I would see this step, and I am so proud of him. His parents handled it better than he expected, and I glad that they are now aware of the situation so that I am not the only one he has to talk to.
His mother suggested that I be his accountability partner, ad he agrees that I am the best person because I tend to be objective, rational, and he trusts me more than anyone. His sponsor died and currently the people he has in his life are unaware of his issues (and he does not feel comfortable talking to them), have enabled him, or are active users. I am the only person that calls his ********, knows him well enough to tell when he is lying to me or himself, and I am one of the only people who seems to be able to get through to him at times. I seem the be the only one aware enough to notice when issues happens, and the only one he trusts enough to talk to.
I am honored that he respects and trusts me enough to ask. I am happy that he is making steps instead of saying words. But I do have misgivings about this. I am afraid that I am not informed enough to be able to help like someone else. I have had what might be considered more than an experimental phase with drugs, but I have never had the kind of addiction that he has. I also worry that I might be too close, he is after all my best friend. Our relationship has also been marked by codependency (something that we are actively trying to improve), and I fear that I might take things to an extreme that would hurt one of us. I also am afraid that the title of 'accountability partner' will put a lot of pressure on me, when I have always held him accountable in the past and called him on lies, which at times created problems between us. Also, in looking at what accountability should be, it mentions of the same gender, which we are not, but I am not sure if that matters since he is gay and I am a straight female.
What I am thinking is to agreeing to help him hold himself accountable, but with the stipulation that he actively seeks someone he thinks would serve as a sponsor who will be able to fit his needs better than I can. As a friend I am certainly willing to hold him accountable, but I don't want it to be something where he views me as all he needs because I honestly don't think I know enough to help him more than I have been. I think that as he attends meetings he can find a sponsor who is better suited.
I need some feedback on this. Does anyone have experience being an accountability partner? Would being a temporary accountability partner pose a risk until he can find a sponsor? Is the term 'accountability partner' any different than what I have been doing as a friend?
His mother suggested that I be his accountability partner, ad he agrees that I am the best person because I tend to be objective, rational, and he trusts me more than anyone. His sponsor died and currently the people he has in his life are unaware of his issues (and he does not feel comfortable talking to them), have enabled him, or are active users. I am the only person that calls his ********, knows him well enough to tell when he is lying to me or himself, and I am one of the only people who seems to be able to get through to him at times. I seem the be the only one aware enough to notice when issues happens, and the only one he trusts enough to talk to.
I am honored that he respects and trusts me enough to ask. I am happy that he is making steps instead of saying words. But I do have misgivings about this. I am afraid that I am not informed enough to be able to help like someone else. I have had what might be considered more than an experimental phase with drugs, but I have never had the kind of addiction that he has. I also worry that I might be too close, he is after all my best friend. Our relationship has also been marked by codependency (something that we are actively trying to improve), and I fear that I might take things to an extreme that would hurt one of us. I also am afraid that the title of 'accountability partner' will put a lot of pressure on me, when I have always held him accountable in the past and called him on lies, which at times created problems between us. Also, in looking at what accountability should be, it mentions of the same gender, which we are not, but I am not sure if that matters since he is gay and I am a straight female.
What I am thinking is to agreeing to help him hold himself accountable, but with the stipulation that he actively seeks someone he thinks would serve as a sponsor who will be able to fit his needs better than I can. As a friend I am certainly willing to hold him accountable, but I don't want it to be something where he views me as all he needs because I honestly don't think I know enough to help him more than I have been. I think that as he attends meetings he can find a sponsor who is better suited.
I need some feedback on this. Does anyone have experience being an accountability partner? Would being a temporary accountability partner pose a risk until he can find a sponsor? Is the term 'accountability partner' any different than what I have been doing as a friend?
My best friend has made the step of telling his family that he is relapsing
= He's using again. "Relapse" is is a more "palatable" term for something that is hideous, as evidenced by the lies that protect it. He's off the wagon. On the sauce. Back on the hooch.
Our relationship has also been marked by codependency (something that we are actively trying to improve), and I fear that I might take things to an extreme = I'm not psychic, but I can see an addict setting up an Accountability Partner that could be manipulated. The outcome of this is about as predictable as a loose donut lying around a police station.
His sponsor died and currently the people he has in his life are unaware of his issues (and he does not feel comfortable talking to them), have enabled him, or are active users.
= You asked for feedback. If this were my friend, I'd suggest he get his ass back to his home group, tonight, own his ******** behavior in front of God and everybody. And come out of that meeting with his new sponsor. 24 hours to get right with his support network in AA. What is with this protection of his using? We cannot change that which we deny we have. We are as sick as the secrets we keep. Get rid of this one NOW.
This will put him on the right path. Whether or not he follows the path or not is up to him. Only he has the power to determine that. But you, as his friend and "politically correct Accountability Partner" have done everything in your power and knowledge to help him become free of the chains that bind him.
Addicts are manipulative bastards. They like to set up situations where they maintain some of the control. He'll go back to counselling, only this time on his terms. Mom 'n Dad are off his ass because you are set up to keep an eye on him.
Truthfully. Are you willing to see this guy experience every single consequence it takes for him to go back to AA like someone who's ass is on fire, willing to do anything it takes to put the fire out?
No running defense for him. Actually let him take the heat for his decisions, even if it means sitting in jail with a new boyfriend named Bubba? Parents throwing him out, and letting him live on the street?
If you don't know the answers to those questions, is it possible that you might be helping him stay the way he is? Enabling him to continue writing that next verse to Sinatra's "My way"?
I think that as he attends meetings he can find a sponsor who is better suited. = Good insight. Start there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 19
Thank you. After looking at your replies, I know this is not something that I need to be getting into and I should listen to those misgivings that I have. I don't want to be an easy way out for him. I think that being a friend is the best that I can do. He needs a sponsor and a support network that can provide more than I am able to, and he knows where to find them.
I am so happy that I can always find such honest advice here. It means so much.
I am so happy that I can always find such honest advice here. It means so much.
Ozone Ranger
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Dazed and confused
Posts: 138
Originally Posted by OpenYourEyes
Thank you. After looking at your replies, I know this is not something that I need to be getting into and I should listen to those misgivings that I have. I don't want to be an easy way out for him. I think that being a friend is the best that I can do. He needs a sponsor and a support network that can provide more than I am able to, and he knows where to find them.
I am so happy that I can always find such honest advice here. It means so much.
I am so happy that I can always find such honest advice here. It means so much.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by OpenYourEyes
Thank you. After looking at your replies, I know this is not something that I need to be getting into and I should listen to those misgivings that I have. I don't want to be an easy way out for him. I think that being a friend is the best that I can do. He needs a sponsor and a support network that can provide more than I am able to, and he knows where to find them.
I am so happy that I can always find such honest advice here. It means so much.
I am so happy that I can always find such honest advice here. It means so much.
gentle hugs
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