ART show went well, but listen to this...
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
ART show went well, but listen to this...
The show went without a hitch, he did not come, went to his old watering hole, but did not drink. He has been going there regularly, now, saying that he got drunk EVERYWHERE when he was active, why would one place be a problem...quack!
Anyway, the day after the first night of the opening(it was a two night event), he sold a job for his company, and he called me from the car and said, "Great! Now you can sell your little paintings, and I can sell these big jobs."
Later that night, after the show closed, I was cleaning up, my old friend had already left, he came by the gallery to take a look.
After that, he was at home, and told me that he is sometimes overwhelmed by what a large person I am. That I am so "alive" and he is daunted by that. He also said it is incredible to him that I have so many great friends and admirers. He was being complimentary, but, it was all in the vein of jealousy. He was so transparent, and the whole thing about him feeling more secure after he sold a job, just made me feel like I was living in 1970 or something...like he is emasculated, insecure unless he is the one with big successes.
It is weird. A is generally more progressive than that, but since being sober, many outmoded concepts of gender roles, relationship dynamics are coming to the surface. HE is sooo insecure.
I have always been a musician, an artist, I have always been in the public eye. HE met me that way. It is new and odd to me that he is threatened by that.
I will not allow his insecurity to make me play small. I have struggled with that throughout my entire career, with people who are feeling lesser projecting guilt onto me for being in the flow. I used to shrink to accommodate these people. I made a commitment a long time ago not to do that anymore.
I know he is swinging across the spectrum, he is swinging wildly. HE is lying to hmself about how safe it is to "hang out" and shoot pool at the bar he basically lived at for years, and where he essentially ruined his own life, opportunities, etc. It is not a posh place, it is a cold, stinky sprawling dive bar.
I dont like him going there, for alcohol reasons, but also because that is where he met almost all the women he messed around with for years and years.
People are talking about him going there... I know it is his work to realize it is dirty living while being physically clean, but I am having trouble keeping my eyes on my own paper.
Am I allowed to press the issue? Am I allowed to say, "I forbid you from going there"?
Keep in mind, I would not allow him to "forbid" me to go anywhere, but I would respect if he felt REASONABLY insecure about a place...based on my past actions.
Thanks for reading, B66
Anyway, the day after the first night of the opening(it was a two night event), he sold a job for his company, and he called me from the car and said, "Great! Now you can sell your little paintings, and I can sell these big jobs."
Later that night, after the show closed, I was cleaning up, my old friend had already left, he came by the gallery to take a look.
After that, he was at home, and told me that he is sometimes overwhelmed by what a large person I am. That I am so "alive" and he is daunted by that. He also said it is incredible to him that I have so many great friends and admirers. He was being complimentary, but, it was all in the vein of jealousy. He was so transparent, and the whole thing about him feeling more secure after he sold a job, just made me feel like I was living in 1970 or something...like he is emasculated, insecure unless he is the one with big successes.
It is weird. A is generally more progressive than that, but since being sober, many outmoded concepts of gender roles, relationship dynamics are coming to the surface. HE is sooo insecure.
I have always been a musician, an artist, I have always been in the public eye. HE met me that way. It is new and odd to me that he is threatened by that.
I will not allow his insecurity to make me play small. I have struggled with that throughout my entire career, with people who are feeling lesser projecting guilt onto me for being in the flow. I used to shrink to accommodate these people. I made a commitment a long time ago not to do that anymore.
I know he is swinging across the spectrum, he is swinging wildly. HE is lying to hmself about how safe it is to "hang out" and shoot pool at the bar he basically lived at for years, and where he essentially ruined his own life, opportunities, etc. It is not a posh place, it is a cold, stinky sprawling dive bar.
I dont like him going there, for alcohol reasons, but also because that is where he met almost all the women he messed around with for years and years.
People are talking about him going there... I know it is his work to realize it is dirty living while being physically clean, but I am having trouble keeping my eyes on my own paper.
Am I allowed to press the issue? Am I allowed to say, "I forbid you from going there"?
Keep in mind, I would not allow him to "forbid" me to go anywhere, but I would respect if he felt REASONABLY insecure about a place...based on my past actions.
Thanks for reading, B66
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm so glad the art show went well. I was looking for an update!
Why is it incredible to him that you have so many friends? He shouldn't be surprised at all...you sound like a great person.
IMO you can say to him "I feel xyz (whatever the things are that you are feeling) when you go to the DIVE" and just see what he does with that. Go from there.
To me, telling him where he can and can't go doesn't seem quite right, and doesn't really give you more information on the state of your relationship, but I can totally understand why it is bothering you.
Why is it incredible to him that you have so many friends? He shouldn't be surprised at all...you sound like a great person.
IMO you can say to him "I feel xyz (whatever the things are that you are feeling) when you go to the DIVE" and just see what he does with that. Go from there.
To me, telling him where he can and can't go doesn't seem quite right, and doesn't really give you more information on the state of your relationship, but I can totally understand why it is bothering you.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Forbidding a grown man from doing anything will only cause resentment.
I agree with Thumper - see his reaction when you tell him how you feel about it, and go from there.
Just speaking of my relationship with my parents, when I put my foot down in some places they will go along with it (because they know their chance of seeing me again is better than if they don't), but many times they don't mean it at all (we do not see eye to eye on many things), and it leads to a shallow and less enjoyable visit/relationship with them.
And congratulations on the show, I'm so glad it went well!
(((Buffalo66)))
I agree with Thumper - see his reaction when you tell him how you feel about it, and go from there.
Just speaking of my relationship with my parents, when I put my foot down in some places they will go along with it (because they know their chance of seeing me again is better than if they don't), but many times they don't mean it at all (we do not see eye to eye on many things), and it leads to a shallow and less enjoyable visit/relationship with them.
And congratulations on the show, I'm so glad it went well!
(((Buffalo66)))
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I wouldn't be comfortable forbidding a partner to do anything (although I did forbid exAH and some of our friends using drugs in our house once we had children, because I didn't feel it was safe - that was more I won't live with drugs in my children's home, if you don't agree, don't come in - it didn't stop him anyway, but a lot of friends stopped coming over - I'm such a B****!).
If you are uneasy about him going there because he might start drinking or taking up with other women, then he can do that wherever, the place doesn't have a magical spell that it casts over non-addict, faithful people. But I have no idea how someone goes about rebuilding trust after those sorts of things, I wouldn't even try.
Good for you on your show, and your stand not to shrink to accommodate others, how do you feel about his comments?
If you are uneasy about him going there because he might start drinking or taking up with other women, then he can do that wherever, the place doesn't have a magical spell that it casts over non-addict, faithful people. But I have no idea how someone goes about rebuilding trust after those sorts of things, I wouldn't even try.
Good for you on your show, and your stand not to shrink to accommodate others, how do you feel about his comments?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hugs, Buffalo66! I'm so glad your show went well and without major scenes of the inappropriate kind. 
I agree with Thumper. He shouldn't be so surprised that you have so many friends.
How he paid you the compliments says more about his state of mind than anything else.
Ummmm.... I seriously think forbidding him to go somewhere is not going to any good, but will end up making both of you PO'd (him for thinking "how dare she" and you when he goes any way...). The 3 C's come to mind. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.
And IMO, I just don't think it'll hold true that he'll be reasonable. You may listen to him and be reasonable if he expressed a concern; but that doesn't mean he will.
Congrats on the show!
I agree with Thumper. He shouldn't be so surprised that you have so many friends.
How he paid you the compliments says more about his state of mind than anything else.
Originally Posted by Buffalo66 
Am I allowed to press the issue? Am I allowed to say, "I forbid you from going there"?
Keep in mind, I would not allow him to "forbid" me to go anywhere, but I would respect if he felt REASONABLY insecure about a place...based on my past actions.
Keep in mind, I would not allow him to "forbid" me to go anywhere, but I would respect if he felt REASONABLY insecure about a place...based on my past actions.
And IMO, I just don't think it'll hold true that he'll be reasonable. You may listen to him and be reasonable if he expressed a concern; but that doesn't mean he will.
Congrats on the show!
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
YEA!! Congrats on a successful show! This is the way it's supposed to feel. Glad you were comfortable in the Suit of Success.
As far as forbidding him to go to The Dive--I'm with the others here. My thought is that you can and should express your honest feelings but setting a rule will only cause more strife.
As far as forbidding him to go to The Dive--I'm with the others here. My thought is that you can and should express your honest feelings but setting a rule will only cause more strife.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
This really pushes my buttons. My heart is so heavy because he didn't share your special moment joyfully with you 
That's just so sad. But I truly hope you'll accept the gift of enthusiasm and admiration from the many others in your life.... you soooooo deserve every bit of it! (((Hugs))) Congratulations on a great show! We're VERY proud of you!!!
That's just so sad. But I truly hope you'll accept the gift of enthusiasm and admiration from the many others in your life.... you soooooo deserve every bit of it! (((Hugs))) Congratulations on a great show! We're VERY proud of you!!!
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