Coming Off The Pink Cloud
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 114
Coming Off The Pink Cloud
Well... I'm at Day 18 today. Yay!
I'm also coming off The Pink Cloud... the initial 'high' of reclaiming my life. As you come off it, everything and everyone in your life that was there before... is still there, and it is like taking a bucket of ice water to the face.
I had a meeting with my sponsor last night to go over the First Step. She's a very bright woman and she's been sober now for 32 years. Lots of experience under her belt.
We got to talking about some things, very in depth, I was not really expecting to touch upon. And while I do not feel those things directly impacted my spiral to out-of-control drinking, as we talked, I came to understand that everything in my life has contributed to the make-up of me, as I am now, and as I was as a drunk.
I am able to freely discuss those things, but last night seemed different somehow. When we left, I almost felt defeated rather than heartened. Bad memories, bad dreams and an ick feeling this morning, like I have an emotional hangover or something! LOL!
It reconfirmed for me that there are things I simply cannot change or ignore about myself. Awareness of these things, and learning to live with the person I am... almost seems daunting sometimes. I look forward to meeting the person I have tucked away inside of me somewhere.
On whole, it was a great experience in that it did get me off The Pink Cloud, so I can truly get down to business.
On the plus side, I'm certain I have myself a great sponsor, and for me, Step One is something I have to do everyday. I learned last night why that is so. Interesting experience, this AA stuff.
I'm also coming off The Pink Cloud... the initial 'high' of reclaiming my life. As you come off it, everything and everyone in your life that was there before... is still there, and it is like taking a bucket of ice water to the face.
I had a meeting with my sponsor last night to go over the First Step. She's a very bright woman and she's been sober now for 32 years. Lots of experience under her belt.
We got to talking about some things, very in depth, I was not really expecting to touch upon. And while I do not feel those things directly impacted my spiral to out-of-control drinking, as we talked, I came to understand that everything in my life has contributed to the make-up of me, as I am now, and as I was as a drunk.
I am able to freely discuss those things, but last night seemed different somehow. When we left, I almost felt defeated rather than heartened. Bad memories, bad dreams and an ick feeling this morning, like I have an emotional hangover or something! LOL!
It reconfirmed for me that there are things I simply cannot change or ignore about myself. Awareness of these things, and learning to live with the person I am... almost seems daunting sometimes. I look forward to meeting the person I have tucked away inside of me somewhere.
On whole, it was a great experience in that it did get me off The Pink Cloud, so I can truly get down to business.
On the plus side, I'm certain I have myself a great sponsor, and for me, Step One is something I have to do everyday. I learned last night why that is so. Interesting experience, this AA stuff.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Mt
Posts: 298
yea corri I too don't have a clue as to who I really am. I had no bad things happen to me in childhood. The bad things that have happened to me were all directly related to my drinking and the choices that I made. I am pushing 50 and the whole thing is getting extremely old.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by lushly 
yea corri I too don't have a clue as to who I really am. I had no bad things happen to me in childhood. The bad things that have happened to me were all directly related to my drinking and the choices that I made. I am pushing 50 and the whole thing is getting extremely old.
Daunting doesn't bother me so much as the feelings that come with it. Yeah, I get you, all this crap IS old. But there is simply no use fighting it or being pissed about it anymore. (Revelation). There is an amazing woman lurking somewhere inside me, and damn it, I am going to find her.
Ozone Ranger
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Dazed and confused
Posts: 138
Originally Posted by Corri
Well... I'm at Day 18 today. Yay!
I'm also coming off The Pink Cloud... the initial 'high' of reclaiming my life. As you come off it, everything and everyone in your life that was there before... is still there, and it is like taking a bucket of ice water to the face.
I had a meeting with my sponsor last night to go over the First Step. She's a very bright woman and she's been sober now for 32 years. Lots of experience under her belt.
We got to talking about some things, very in depth, I was not really expecting to touch upon. And while I do not feel those things directly impacted my spiral to out-of-control drinking, as we talked, I came to understand that everything in my life has contributed to the make-up of me, as I am now, and as I was as a drunk.
I am able to freely discuss those things, but last night seemed different somehow. When we left, I almost felt defeated rather than heartened. Bad memories, bad dreams and an ick feeling this morning, like I have an emotional hangover or something! LOL!
It reconfirmed for me that there are things I simply cannot change or ignore about myself. Awareness of these things, and learning to live with the person I am... almost seems daunting sometimes. I look forward to meeting the person I have tucked away inside of me somewhere.
On whole, it was a great experience in that it did get me off The Pink Cloud, so I can truly get down to business.
On the plus side, I'm certain I have myself a great sponsor, and for me, Step One is something I have to do everyday. I learned last night why that is so. Interesting experience, this AA stuff.
I'm also coming off The Pink Cloud... the initial 'high' of reclaiming my life. As you come off it, everything and everyone in your life that was there before... is still there, and it is like taking a bucket of ice water to the face.
I had a meeting with my sponsor last night to go over the First Step. She's a very bright woman and she's been sober now for 32 years. Lots of experience under her belt.
We got to talking about some things, very in depth, I was not really expecting to touch upon. And while I do not feel those things directly impacted my spiral to out-of-control drinking, as we talked, I came to understand that everything in my life has contributed to the make-up of me, as I am now, and as I was as a drunk.
I am able to freely discuss those things, but last night seemed different somehow. When we left, I almost felt defeated rather than heartened. Bad memories, bad dreams and an ick feeling this morning, like I have an emotional hangover or something! LOL!
It reconfirmed for me that there are things I simply cannot change or ignore about myself. Awareness of these things, and learning to live with the person I am... almost seems daunting sometimes. I look forward to meeting the person I have tucked away inside of me somewhere.
On whole, it was a great experience in that it did get me off The Pink Cloud, so I can truly get down to business.
On the plus side, I'm certain I have myself a great sponsor, and for me, Step One is something I have to do everyday. I learned last night why that is so. Interesting experience, this AA stuff.
Make that your sig line. It is through surrender we win. What you are feeling is similar to what goes through the mind of a Caterpillar.
Just before it becomes a butterfly.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Hey, Corri. I've found myself coming down off that cloud these last few days, too. Kinda bumming me out—it was such a nice ride while it lasted! But I like how you turned it into a positive, as a chance to "get down to business." I'm going to try to look at it that way—thanks for sharing that bit of insight!
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
Congrats on 18 days Corri! I know what you mean about coming off the cloud. At first just quitting was so exciting. It was a break from all the things I drank to forget. After a while I had to face them,
You're doin great.
You're doin great.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 114
You know, I think I know Who I Am... I think. Hang with me here... I'm asking for B.S. detectors to go on high alert, kids.
When I ask myself the question... "if you could do anything, anything in the world, what would it be?" Here's my answer.
I'd sell my house and most of my belongings. I'd buy a R.V. type thing (not the $1/2 million dollar ones... something smaller, more manageable), and I'd hit the road with my dog and cat. As I can do my work from anywhere, as long as I have an internet connection... I could actually do this.
When I got done roaming around the country and seeing everything I want to see, I'd find a place I'd want to live. I've even entertained the thought of becoming a professional house sitter (yes, I've researched it a great deal). I don't know... I have wander lust... I ran away from home about two years ago and drove out to Sedona, AZ... stayed for a month... it was something I had always dreamed of doing. The kids flew out and met me for the last week I was there, and we drove back home across the country. They LOVE it out there and want to do it ALL again.
But... what holds me back is that the kids are in school and I don't want to leave them (even though I sorta already did through drinking, huh?). I'm engaged. I have obligations to people who are in my life. It ain't just about me. So, I put everything on hold. And I feel I've been doing that for a great many years... putting what I want to do on hold. Boo hoo for me. That's really not what I'm talking about... I don't think. I understand my obligations, I love my children...
I accept where I am, right now. (Which I have not been able to do, previously). There are things I need to learn about myself, get more clear on, before I just take off across the country. I sure as heck don't want to go do that as a drunk. There is far more to this, in terms of planning that must happen, than mere pipe dreaming. God's honest truth, I have more hope of living that dream of mine now, someday, than I ever did resenting the fact that I honestly thought I'd never be able to do it.
Isn't that something? But I have to do it, one day at a time, if I have any hope of actually manifesting it.
Sorry, I think I just went off on a babbling tangent... but nonetheless... an example of how I am seeing things differently simply because I was able to alter my perspective.
When I ask myself the question... "if you could do anything, anything in the world, what would it be?" Here's my answer.
I'd sell my house and most of my belongings. I'd buy a R.V. type thing (not the $1/2 million dollar ones... something smaller, more manageable), and I'd hit the road with my dog and cat. As I can do my work from anywhere, as long as I have an internet connection... I could actually do this.
When I got done roaming around the country and seeing everything I want to see, I'd find a place I'd want to live. I've even entertained the thought of becoming a professional house sitter (yes, I've researched it a great deal). I don't know... I have wander lust... I ran away from home about two years ago and drove out to Sedona, AZ... stayed for a month... it was something I had always dreamed of doing. The kids flew out and met me for the last week I was there, and we drove back home across the country. They LOVE it out there and want to do it ALL again.
But... what holds me back is that the kids are in school and I don't want to leave them (even though I sorta already did through drinking, huh?). I'm engaged. I have obligations to people who are in my life. It ain't just about me. So, I put everything on hold. And I feel I've been doing that for a great many years... putting what I want to do on hold. Boo hoo for me. That's really not what I'm talking about... I don't think. I understand my obligations, I love my children...
I accept where I am, right now. (Which I have not been able to do, previously). There are things I need to learn about myself, get more clear on, before I just take off across the country. I sure as heck don't want to go do that as a drunk. There is far more to this, in terms of planning that must happen, than mere pipe dreaming. God's honest truth, I have more hope of living that dream of mine now, someday, than I ever did resenting the fact that I honestly thought I'd never be able to do it.
Isn't that something? But I have to do it, one day at a time, if I have any hope of actually manifesting it.
Sorry, I think I just went off on a babbling tangent... but nonetheless... an example of how I am seeing things differently simply because I was able to alter my perspective.
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
I think a lot of people have a desire to leave...start over...just get away. I have lived in the same area all my life and have only been far away a hand full of times. I wouldn't even know how to fly somewhere big by myself. I love being home. Still...I think about just leaving sometimes too. Get away from my problems. I know they'd follow me though...plus its just not realistic.
Anyway...nothin wrong with thinkin bout it, but is sounds like you have obligations where you are.
Anyway...nothin wrong with thinkin bout it, but is sounds like you have obligations where you are.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by Ghostly
I think a lot of people have a desire to leave...start over...just get away. I have lived in the same area all my life and have only been far away a hand full of times. I wouldn't even know how to fly somewhere big by myself. I love being home. Still...I think about just leaving sometimes too. Get away from my problems. I know they'd follow me though...plus its just not realistic.
Anyway...nothin wrong with thinkin bout it, but is sounds like you have obligations where you are.
Anyway...nothin wrong with thinkin bout it, but is sounds like you have obligations where you are.
I may not be able to just up and leave and do it the way I described, but there is nothing saying I can't adjust those plans to fit in as time and obligation allow. Two or three years down the road, who knows? Maybe the kids will even want to come with... how cool would that be?
Even the willingness to look at it all differently makes it more real than it ever was as some escapist fantasy. That's kinda cool.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Corri
I am able to freely discuss those things, but last night seemed different somehow. When we left, I almost felt defeated rather than heartened. Bad memories, bad dreams and an ick feeling this morning, like I have an emotional hangover or something! LOL!
It reconfirmed for me that there are things I simply cannot change or ignore about myself. Awareness of these things, and learning to live with the person I am... almost seems daunting sometimes. I look forward to meeting the person I have tucked away inside of me somewhere.
On whole, it was a great experience in that it did get me off The Pink Cloud, so I can truly get down to business.
Second, when it comes to dealing with the principle of humility, it is supposed to hurt for a while then turn positive (no pain - no gain).
Third, I liked your choice of the word "defeated". A good surrender phase should be just that. Next move on to another struggle round of more "daunting" work. Spiritual growth is the result of many struggle - surrender cycles. Just keep in mind:
"That which does not kill you makes you stronger".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by Boleo
First of all, Pink Clouds don't go away permanently, they just take vacations if we continue on with all of the steps.
Second, when it comes to dealing with the principle of humility, it is supposed to hurt for a while then turn positive (no pain - no gain).
Third, I liked your choice of the word "defeated". A good surrender phase should be just that. Next move on to another struggle round of more "daunting" work. Spiritual growth is the result of many struggle - surrender cycles.
Second, when it comes to dealing with the principle of humility, it is supposed to hurt for a while then turn positive (no pain - no gain).
Third, I liked your choice of the word "defeated". A good surrender phase should be just that. Next move on to another struggle round of more "daunting" work. Spiritual growth is the result of many struggle - surrender cycles.
Sometimes, it is hard for me to tell the difference between the necessary feeling of defeat, and getting lost in self-pity. That's probably where the Serenity Prayer comes in, huh? I can't change what happened to me. I accept it.... it's a part of who I am... and a necessary one at that, for some reason. Interesting.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Upstate NY, in the Adirondacks
Posts: 232
Hi,
You are not defeated, you are not a terrible, flawed person. I believe we all have this good inside us, this pure light. Life can cover it up, but it is there, waiting for the Sober You to find it. You just have to give it time. I didn't really have a Pink Cloud, but I feel better and better, stronger and stronger in my sobriety, every day. Don't get me wrong, life happens, I have bad days, but now I cannot even imagine drinking. If the worst happened, I would not drink, because it is no longer an option for me. No matter what. That is freeing.
Find some fun things to do, too. I started pottery, and watercolor classes and I quilt. Something creative that engages the "child" in you, the one that used to have a tantrum when you didn't drink. This is what I imagine and what I do, and it really, really helps. Now, I obsess over colors and paints, not wine!!
Best,
Nancy
You are not defeated, you are not a terrible, flawed person. I believe we all have this good inside us, this pure light. Life can cover it up, but it is there, waiting for the Sober You to find it. You just have to give it time. I didn't really have a Pink Cloud, but I feel better and better, stronger and stronger in my sobriety, every day. Don't get me wrong, life happens, I have bad days, but now I cannot even imagine drinking. If the worst happened, I would not drink, because it is no longer an option for me. No matter what. That is freeing.
Find some fun things to do, too. I started pottery, and watercolor classes and I quilt. Something creative that engages the "child" in you, the one that used to have a tantrum when you didn't drink. This is what I imagine and what I do, and it really, really helps. Now, I obsess over colors and paints, not wine!!
Best,
Nancy
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I agree with nancylee - the pink cloud comes and goes and comes back again, and at our core we really are loving, purposeful people. You're just starting to peel the onion a bit, and it's a process. You're doing great!
I have the same kind of fantasy (about take a couple years and driving an RV around the country). Who knows - we might meet up someday at an RV park!
I have the same kind of fantasy (about take a couple years and driving an RV around the country). Who knows - we might meet up someday at an RV park!
Flying Mane
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: DeSoto County, MS
Posts: 28
I've had the same fantasies. I once spent weeks looking at airstream trailers. But then I have to remember, "wherever I go, there I'll be!". I can't run away from myself or my problems. Which is why I really want, lol. But I know that if I stay put and deal with things, when I travel I won't have to be alone....someone might actually come with me.
Riding Barefoot
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 452
Originally Posted by Corri
It truly is a daunting task...
Daunting doesn't bother me so much as the feelings that come with it. Yeah, I get you, all this crap IS old. But there is simply no use fighting it or being pissed about it anymore. (Revelation). There is an amazing woman lurking somewhere inside me, and damn it, I am going to find her.
Daunting doesn't bother me so much as the feelings that come with it. Yeah, I get you, all this crap IS old. But there is simply no use fighting it or being pissed about it anymore. (Revelation). There is an amazing woman lurking somewhere inside me, and damn it, I am going to find her.
HELL Yeah! I feel the same way... I have been having a tough time lately as well. A couple of weeks ago I was on the pink cloud and felt awesome, like YEAH, I am finally getting to the bottom of who I am and feeling free to let her out, then BAM! The pink cloud pulled itself out from under me and reality set in and I've been a bit down and anxious and I-don't-know-what lately, but I KNOW, like you, that there is an amazing person in there somewhere, and I want to find her and let her out once and for all! I wish she'd quit going into hiding. Let's do this!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 114
All:
Boleo had a really great post up there. And I have found that while I am not as high as I was before, which is probably a good thing, the initial pain of the Step One has faded and has been replaced with compassion for myself - what a NOVEL experience for me. Far from 'making excuses' myself, I now have room and courage to move on to the next step... face the pain, absorb it, learn from it... etc., etc., etc. and move on when I am ready. This isn't a race in order to earn my AA certificate. I'm never done. And I am completely and utterly okay with that. I've never been utterly okay with anything.
YES!!
Boleo had a really great post up there. And I have found that while I am not as high as I was before, which is probably a good thing, the initial pain of the Step One has faded and has been replaced with compassion for myself - what a NOVEL experience for me. Far from 'making excuses' myself, I now have room and courage to move on to the next step... face the pain, absorb it, learn from it... etc., etc., etc. and move on when I am ready. This isn't a race in order to earn my AA certificate. I'm never done. And I am completely and utterly okay with that. I've never been utterly okay with anything.
YES!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 114
I'm looking for thoughts, comments, experiences, input, from anyone in AA who has done the Fifth Step... and harmed person(s) listens to what you have to say, then pretty much slams the door in your face?
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
I am in the process of making my amends list now. Have you tried to make the amend already, and had the door slammed in your face? Because if that is the case, then its ok. You cleaned up your side of the street. Just admit to your higher power your wrongs to this person, and ask to be forgiven.
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