Im a mess!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Im a mess!
Its been just over a year since I gained the terms 'alcoholic' and 'Al-anon' in my vocabulary for what had been happening in my 22 year marriage. At that time my life was in turmoil with a husband who said he was choosing alcohol over me.
After 14 months of Al-anon and several books on alcoholism later - I still haven't got it and dont think I ever will. I am finding it increasingly difficult to live peacefully with an alcoholic. I know all the ins and outs but I am not doing a very good job at using the tools I have learnt for obtaining serenity.
I am still trying to manipulate my AH by making 'digs' about his drinking (in the hope that he 'gets it') and his lack of meaningful relationships with his daughters. (we help pay towards university education, so he says that makes him a good parent, he doesn't communicate with them) His lying, deceitfulness and hiding things from me (smoking/contacts) is making me feel suspicious of him.
We are back arguing a lot again lately with nothing ever solved, as he continuously gets mean and makes it about me. He is isolating himself more in our office where he has previously surfed porn and conducted an internet affair and I dont trust him. I find myself spying on him. I feel anxious, cry a lot because I feel unloved and cant seem to get past that he chooses alcohol before me. My focus is back on him.
For the first time in my life, I have had a couple of 'rage' episodes recently during our arguments that escalate because he is cruel, when I have felt 'trapped' (almost like the feeling of being tied up) that have not been pretty and have left AH calling me mental or mad and needing help. I really dont feel mentally well and dont think I am getting any better either.
I have been struggling at work for over a year now feeling sad about my life and what it has come to, or remembering things he has said or done. I feel sad being married to an alcoholic but I feel sad about facing life alone after a 22 year marriage that means a lot to me.
Im a mess!
After 14 months of Al-anon and several books on alcoholism later - I still haven't got it and dont think I ever will. I am finding it increasingly difficult to live peacefully with an alcoholic. I know all the ins and outs but I am not doing a very good job at using the tools I have learnt for obtaining serenity.
I am still trying to manipulate my AH by making 'digs' about his drinking (in the hope that he 'gets it') and his lack of meaningful relationships with his daughters. (we help pay towards university education, so he says that makes him a good parent, he doesn't communicate with them) His lying, deceitfulness and hiding things from me (smoking/contacts) is making me feel suspicious of him.
We are back arguing a lot again lately with nothing ever solved, as he continuously gets mean and makes it about me. He is isolating himself more in our office where he has previously surfed porn and conducted an internet affair and I dont trust him. I find myself spying on him. I feel anxious, cry a lot because I feel unloved and cant seem to get past that he chooses alcohol before me. My focus is back on him.
For the first time in my life, I have had a couple of 'rage' episodes recently during our arguments that escalate because he is cruel, when I have felt 'trapped' (almost like the feeling of being tied up) that have not been pretty and have left AH calling me mental or mad and needing help. I really dont feel mentally well and dont think I am getting any better either.
I have been struggling at work for over a year now feeling sad about my life and what it has come to, or remembering things he has said or done. I feel sad being married to an alcoholic but I feel sad about facing life alone after a 22 year marriage that means a lot to me.
Im a mess!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
EightBall, hon, I know what you're living and feeling and it is sick. Alcoholism is a disease that creates what you're living and feeling. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
Your spouse's values are very different than yours. They are not going to change.
The sadness does not have to last forever. I also feared living "alone" but found that living "alone" was my FAVORITE way of living! We even had a thread here recently about the best things about living alone.
You can feel the fear and do it anyway.
Your spouse's values are very different than yours. They are not going to change.
I feel sad being married to an alcoholic but I feel sad about facing life alone after a 22 year marriage that means a lot to me.
You can feel the fear and do it anyway.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am so sorry you are going through this.
It strikes me that there is more of a problem than alcoholism alone..which is a plenty big enough problem by itself...but porn and an internet affair are additional issues and they feel crummy. because they are crummy.
Have you considered counseling?
He plainly doesn't want to change, and won't.
I am sure you feel enraged being backed into this corner by these problems after a long marriage and raising children. It certainly isn't what you had planned or expected, I am sure.
It sounds as if your fight or flight mechanisms are being triggered, which happens when we feel very threatened. and the threat is real...it is tearing you up, impacting your ability to work, live, feel and be happy, safe and secure.
Your rage at this will wind up serving you well in time, it is certainly better than passively accepting mistreatment. Anger gives us the energy we need and the urgency to make changes...it makes us too uncomfortable to live with the status quo. It tells us when we are being violated. So, stuffing anger isn't the solution...it can be the thing that impels us to find our way out or around the things that are harming us and provoking it.
It strikes me that there is more of a problem than alcoholism alone..which is a plenty big enough problem by itself...but porn and an internet affair are additional issues and they feel crummy. because they are crummy.
Have you considered counseling?
He plainly doesn't want to change, and won't.
I am sure you feel enraged being backed into this corner by these problems after a long marriage and raising children. It certainly isn't what you had planned or expected, I am sure.
It sounds as if your fight or flight mechanisms are being triggered, which happens when we feel very threatened. and the threat is real...it is tearing you up, impacting your ability to work, live, feel and be happy, safe and secure.
Your rage at this will wind up serving you well in time, it is certainly better than passively accepting mistreatment. Anger gives us the energy we need and the urgency to make changes...it makes us too uncomfortable to live with the status quo. It tells us when we are being violated. So, stuffing anger isn't the solution...it can be the thing that impels us to find our way out or around the things that are harming us and provoking it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
I so know how you feel. Hope you can find peace and happiness for you and your daughters. It's particularly tough because you know that your options are: detach and live with him - which you described really well - or divorce and live without him - but still with him, since you have kids, there's no going no contact. In a divorce situation you get half your stuff, half your money and less time with your kids.
Choosing between the lesser of two evils stinks.
Choosing between the lesser of two evils stinks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I am also a mess - you are not alone in that regard. I just left my AH - 13 days ago. Me and my daughters are squatting at my mother's house while we get our feet back underneath us. The cruelty and blame just tipped me over the edge. Why do they go hand in hand with alcoholism? I hate that part of this disease. It destroys love. But I made a very conscious decision that it wouldn't destroy me anymore. Me and my girls deserve better than this.
Keep reading; keep processing; and make plans. I had a plan A, B, and C and the funds to carry all off (almost - Plan C is buying my own home and I am a bit shy of that goal). I don't want a divorce; I want time and space to heal and understand better what I have dealt with for two years. I still love and miss my husband very much. I hope and pray he kicks this someday. But I am more important than his addiction.
Medications help temporarily. I am on mild antidepressants and have on hand some anti anxiety meds for those moments when I feel that "rage" coming on. The roller coaster ride of alcoholism can drive any sane person mad! I keep the serenity prayer all around me - tacked on my wall at the office, written in a little note in the inside pocket of my purse, and taped to the dash of my car. I say it often. It helps me re-focus back onto me when I find myself dwelling in the unfairness of my situation and reliving the cruelty the man I loved so dearly inflicted upon me.
You are not alone. You are not crazy. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. And you can't cure it. And one day, this too shall pass and you will begin to feel human again! Hang in there and keep reading this board. It has helped me so much to hear other people's stories and to know I am not alone in my own private hell, either.
Keep reading; keep processing; and make plans. I had a plan A, B, and C and the funds to carry all off (almost - Plan C is buying my own home and I am a bit shy of that goal). I don't want a divorce; I want time and space to heal and understand better what I have dealt with for two years. I still love and miss my husband very much. I hope and pray he kicks this someday. But I am more important than his addiction.
Medications help temporarily. I am on mild antidepressants and have on hand some anti anxiety meds for those moments when I feel that "rage" coming on. The roller coaster ride of alcoholism can drive any sane person mad! I keep the serenity prayer all around me - tacked on my wall at the office, written in a little note in the inside pocket of my purse, and taped to the dash of my car. I say it often. It helps me re-focus back onto me when I find myself dwelling in the unfairness of my situation and reliving the cruelty the man I loved so dearly inflicted upon me.
You are not alone. You are not crazy. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. And you can't cure it. And one day, this too shall pass and you will begin to feel human again! Hang in there and keep reading this board. It has helped me so much to hear other people's stories and to know I am not alone in my own private hell, either.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
As far as I know, the only way to stay in a marriage with an alcoholic and be at peace is acceptance. But, the only way to leave and be at peace is also acceptance. 
He is who he is, he does what he does. That's what you've got. You don't have to stay, but if you do, that's who you're staying with. You can't change him, you can't make him be who you want, no matter how hard you try. If you choose to stay, you're choosing to stay with him, not some possible, future, better, sober him.
It's been one of the hardest lessons for me, and I still have to work on it all the time. Reality usually doesn't line up with how I want things to be, but if I fight and resist reality, I'm miserable. It's really not a matter of whether to stay or leave, it's a matter of accepting what is. Once you get over that hurdle, choices about what you want to do become much clearer.
L
He is who he is, he does what he does. That's what you've got. You don't have to stay, but if you do, that's who you're staying with. You can't change him, you can't make him be who you want, no matter how hard you try. If you choose to stay, you're choosing to stay with him, not some possible, future, better, sober him. It's been one of the hardest lessons for me, and I still have to work on it all the time. Reality usually doesn't line up with how I want things to be, but if I fight and resist reality, I'm miserable. It's really not a matter of whether to stay or leave, it's a matter of accepting what is. Once you get over that hurdle, choices about what you want to do become much clearer.
L
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