What Am I Supposed to Do With This?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
What Am I Supposed to Do With This?
I have been no contact with AH since Christmas, and have been moved out since October. I have decided that I want a divorce, although I have not yet filed or told AH. The no contact has been a huge relief, and AH hasn't violated my request to be left alone. Until tonight.
Tonight I get a very lengthy email from AH that is extremely self-deprecating. He talks about how he was terrible, how he didn't blame me for leaving, how he let me down, etc. It has, apparently, taken sobriety for him to see all of this. He also tells me that he called my parents tonight. Not sure why, but he says they responded to him with grace and love. I'm sure that's true, although I'm still reeling from the email, so I haven't talked to my parents yet. My parents have been very supportive to me throughout this ordeal, so I'm not worried that this will affect their support of me. AH knows that they have been supportive of me, so I can only guess he called them as a way of making amends, or showing sincerity or something.
AH wants me to meet him for dinner one night this week. For the first time ever, he actually offered to do this someplace near me, rather than wanting me to just come to the house.
What am I supposed to do with this? I now feel obligated to hear him out, but I don't feel like there's anything left to say. I don't wish him ill, and I hope that he really is serious about recovery. But I don't want to be part of it.
But how can that one email put me right back where I was a month ago? I went no contact because I hate what the contact does to me. I just want to be free. Why does he even bother to care now, when he never cared then? And why do I, apparently, still care? I'm done, I am so done. But not done enough, because he still has the power to make me feel so bad. Before I felt bad because he said terrible things. Now, I feel bad because he says nice things.
I guess I don't really have a point, I'm just a little bit shocked and not sure how to react. Thanks for letting me put this out there.
Tonight I get a very lengthy email from AH that is extremely self-deprecating. He talks about how he was terrible, how he didn't blame me for leaving, how he let me down, etc. It has, apparently, taken sobriety for him to see all of this. He also tells me that he called my parents tonight. Not sure why, but he says they responded to him with grace and love. I'm sure that's true, although I'm still reeling from the email, so I haven't talked to my parents yet. My parents have been very supportive to me throughout this ordeal, so I'm not worried that this will affect their support of me. AH knows that they have been supportive of me, so I can only guess he called them as a way of making amends, or showing sincerity or something.
AH wants me to meet him for dinner one night this week. For the first time ever, he actually offered to do this someplace near me, rather than wanting me to just come to the house.
What am I supposed to do with this? I now feel obligated to hear him out, but I don't feel like there's anything left to say. I don't wish him ill, and I hope that he really is serious about recovery. But I don't want to be part of it.
But how can that one email put me right back where I was a month ago? I went no contact because I hate what the contact does to me. I just want to be free. Why does he even bother to care now, when he never cared then? And why do I, apparently, still care? I'm done, I am so done. But not done enough, because he still has the power to make me feel so bad. Before I felt bad because he said terrible things. Now, I feel bad because he says nice things.
I guess I don't really have a point, I'm just a little bit shocked and not sure how to react. Thanks for letting me put this out there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: norwich, uk
Posts: 80
He's quacking, I think.
He's got his fishing rod out and is hoping to reel you in and get you back in his life.
Do you want that? do you want back in the craziness, the lies, the drink?
You don't have to take any notice of his email or him, you are allowed to delete it and carry on as if he never sent it.
He's probably short of money!
Your choice, but if I was you I wouldn't go there.
He's got his fishing rod out and is hoping to reel you in and get you back in his life.
Do you want that? do you want back in the craziness, the lies, the drink?
You don't have to take any notice of his email or him, you are allowed to delete it and carry on as if he never sent it.
He's probably short of money!
Your choice, but if I was you I wouldn't go there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Give yourself time to process it and get over the initial reaction before responding. That was something I had to practice since it was not how I operated.
I agree that it is a hook.
Just because we are done doesn't mean we stop having emotions and lots of things that will affect us and that we have to work through. It does get easier with time.
You are not obligated to do anything. You are not obligated to meet him or even respond to the email.
You are free to do the thing that will be the best thing for yourself, whatever that is. There are many many options. Take your time in order to determine what is best for you.
I would also gently suggest that you prepare yourself for more emails/contact. If this is indeed a hook they will keep coming and when deprecating and nice fails to work, the emails will get emotionally manipulative and then downright abusive, and then swing wildly back and forth IME.
I agree that it is a hook.
Just because we are done doesn't mean we stop having emotions and lots of things that will affect us and that we have to work through. It does get easier with time.
You are not obligated to do anything. You are not obligated to meet him or even respond to the email.
You are free to do the thing that will be the best thing for yourself, whatever that is. There are many many options. Take your time in order to determine what is best for you.
I would also gently suggest that you prepare yourself for more emails/contact. If this is indeed a hook they will keep coming and when deprecating and nice fails to work, the emails will get emotionally manipulative and then downright abusive, and then swing wildly back and forth IME.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
No contact since Christmas, that hasn't even been a month. Are you thinking that in this short time he's gotten sober, worked all steps cause making amends comes with step 8 and that's an awful lot of self work in such a short period of time. Maybe he signed himself up for the speed reading AA course, the one wear you read just enough to make yourself sound good except you don't actualy have to really to all the hard work.
The fact that his email and phone call to your parents has sent you off your own course of recovery might indicate you are not ready for this kind of interaction with him YET.
I know for me in the past my mind and thoughts would be strong in not wanting to go back into the relationship but seeing him and hearing him person was always my down fall and I'd end up right back there. Sure it was different sure he was working a program and things would be great......for a while. And as sure as I am breathing right now he'd relapse again and all that hurt and pain came with it plus more.
If your rah is serious about his recovery then that recovery does not have to include you. He'll want it with or without you. My best guess is that if you email him back saying no you will not meet him and he doesn't get his way, the raging alcoholic you left will appear again before your eyes to remind you of why you left in the first place and then why you needed to go no contact.
The fact that his email and phone call to your parents has sent you off your own course of recovery might indicate you are not ready for this kind of interaction with him YET.
I know for me in the past my mind and thoughts would be strong in not wanting to go back into the relationship but seeing him and hearing him person was always my down fall and I'd end up right back there. Sure it was different sure he was working a program and things would be great......for a while. And as sure as I am breathing right now he'd relapse again and all that hurt and pain came with it plus more.
If your rah is serious about his recovery then that recovery does not have to include you. He'll want it with or without you. My best guess is that if you email him back saying no you will not meet him and he doesn't get his way, the raging alcoholic you left will appear again before your eyes to remind you of why you left in the first place and then why you needed to go no contact.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
everything thumper said, someone who truely understands the damage they have caused will graciously accept that you are not ready (and may not ever want) to talk through this and will give you time and space to do what is best for you, rather than pushing for something that will salve their conscience.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Great posts above ....and I just wanted to say that just for today you don't need to do anything.....let things sit just for now.
Remember how far you have come already..and one very imporant thing I have learnt since joining SR is play the tape all the way through...
But nothing needs to be done today.....Take care of Yourself keep reading keep posting
Phiz
Remember how far you have come already..and one very imporant thing I have learnt since joining SR is play the tape all the way through...
But nothing needs to be done today.....Take care of Yourself keep reading keep posting
Phiz
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
But not done enough, because he still has the power to make me feel so bad. Before I felt bad because he said terrible things. Now, I feel bad because he says nice things.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i agree, wait it out and let it settle prior to replying.
and of course you have a response, he was your husband!
do what is best for YOU.
as for the call to your parents, if it was me, i would send them an email asking that they don't share that conversation with you and if he contacts them in the future, that they keep that information to themselves.
you appear quite clear on what you want, sasha, a conversation with AH could only set you back in your recovery. believe me, i've made that mistake.
and of course you have a response, he was your husband!
do what is best for YOU.
as for the call to your parents, if it was me, i would send them an email asking that they don't share that conversation with you and if he contacts them in the future, that they keep that information to themselves.
you appear quite clear on what you want, sasha, a conversation with AH could only set you back in your recovery. believe me, i've made that mistake.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 148
I stand alone in this response because I disagree with the others. There have been times when I have been so hurt that all I wanted was to be free, run away, and forget everything. It is a normal and probably a healthy response to want to get away from something that hurts you. The fact that your AH is trying to be better is a good sign. This doesn't mean that he gets to have access to you, any time he wants. What you can do is set boundaries. You can explain to him that just as he is getting over his addiction that you are also getting over his addiction. It is going to take a lot of time away from him for you to erase the memory of his being a drunk. Maybe agree to have lunch with him once every two months. Maybe agree to talk with him about his progress for an hour, by phone, every month. SET BOUNDARIES. You can explain to him that you don't have the emotional strength to be a support system during his recovery. You are doing your own recovery. What was that quote, something like "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent"? I would like you to figure out how to prevent other people from creating negative feelings inside of you. I am afraid that if you don't find a healthy place (not just avoidance) for your feelings about your AH, that you won't be able to work through and recover.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I don't wish him ill, and I hope that he really is serious about recovery. But I don't want to be part of it.
Maybe write this down on a few sticky notes, then put them near the computer, the phone and any other access device he can use.
You want him to get well, but you dont want any part of it.
(That is great progress, it took me a long time to get over the "I want him to hurt like me." When I let go finally, it was quite peaceful for me.)
Please take care of yourself during this sensitive time.
He did not respect your boundaries.
Beth
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
You don't have to be ready to talk just because he is. You don't ever have to be. Or you can be ready at a different time, if you want. Thing is, his path is his path, and even if he is on the speed AA program as suggested above, that's his path.
You've got your side of the street to walk right now.
As far as his talking to your parents, that's between them. You have your parents. You cannot control their thoughts. They know what he is. Leave it. They'll always be your parents.
One Day at a Time!
You've got your side of the street to walk right now.
As far as his talking to your parents, that's between them. You have your parents. You cannot control their thoughts. They know what he is. Leave it. They'll always be your parents.
One Day at a Time!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Look at how good you're doing now! Go and reread your posts from before you left and be very proud of the difference!
He may be quacking, he may be sincere BUT you said it yourself...you're done.
If the email were sent to me, and wanting to remain polite but distant, I probably would reply and thank him for the invitation but politely decline, wish him well and once again state my boundary of wanting to be left alone at this time.
It may be a better thing to delete any emails that come in the future but at least by reading this one it reconfirmed to you that you don't want to be part of it.
He may be quacking, he may be sincere BUT you said it yourself...you're done.
If the email were sent to me, and wanting to remain polite but distant, I probably would reply and thank him for the invitation but politely decline, wish him well and once again state my boundary of wanting to be left alone at this time.
It may be a better thing to delete any emails that come in the future but at least by reading this one it reconfirmed to you that you don't want to be part of it.
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