Thanks and hello (lengthy intro)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 14
Thanks and hello (lengthy intro)
Hi my name is perpetual and I am an alcoholic. I am 6 days sober.
My story starts 10 years ago. I am a long time insomniac who could find nothing that worked. Period. All that hocus pocus about meditation, warm milk, sheep...name all the bullcrap and I had listened to it for years, doctors refused to help for fear I would become addicted. Nothing worked. I spent all of highschool sleeping 2 hours a night. My brain just refuses to shut down.
10 years ago, I move to a new province and find some amazing stuff. Pot. BC Bud in its finest form. Well holy crap, this stuff is amazing, shuts my brain down and puts me to bed. I had my first night of 8 hours sleep in almost 15. Unfortunately, or fortunately, pot really affected my brain. It left me stupid the next day and I couldn't work. But low and behold, alcohol doesn't. I don't get hang overs, but if I could find the right amount, my brain turned off and I slept.
Spending the next 5 years drinking a 26 a night of rye or vodka, without the hang overs, had left me tired, worn out and a really ****** person. Not to mentioned endless recreational drugs, experimenting and damaging my body. Luckily I never once felt addicted to the drugs, so I couldn't become an alcoholic. But I realized I had a problem, but figured I could control it. I moderated. Woot...a mickey a day kept my brain at bay. Excluding the parties and nights out, I was a very high functioning alcoholic for the next 4 years. If I didn't drink before 8 pm...yep...couldn't be an "alcoholic"
Then something happened. I got a hangover. Yes I am serious, I have never had one before, I was that party guy that could bound out of bed in the morning and jog to work. Alcohol had 0 negative affects on me. In the short term!
Then, Hangovers suck. Holy crap why do I drink, this just sucks. But guess what I was tricked...so long enjoying the fun without suffering, I was stuck. I had a "drinking problem" and couldn't find a way out. I continued to try moderating.
2ish years ago I met the first person that questioned my drinking. She blew my mind that she thought I drank too much. Even though I knew I had a "problem", I wasn't an alcoholic. I could look around town and see endless people who were worse than me. In worse states with worse drugs. The towns streets are lined with cocaine and pot. How bad can alcohol be? Drugs didn't hold interest, I never got addicted...I enjoyed them with pride, because I didn't ever need them. Alcohol couldn't be a problem.
In the last year, my world became amazingly bright, beautiful and enriched by another woman. She showed me love and caring. She was a great friend in my times of need. Friendship is a tough thing for me to give out, I don't hand it out easily, it was nice to have this. She looked at my drinking, which I saw as small, and was shocked... I was shocked she was shocked...But I thought everything was perfect. I had a close friend, and my awesome wife. I also had my demon. My friend would wonder why my personality waved, I would be confident and happy, then odd and then the next day depressed. Alcohol had finally started showing its signs.
Depression
Anxiety
Stomach problems
Massive hangovers
My body was losing the fight. I kept moderating, cut down to 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 nights a week. I would have a great month, then a bad month. I couldn't kick the habit. For me I don't crave the "drink"...I crave the pattern. My alcoholism is rooted in
Socializing
habit (I use it nightly to sleep)
Boredom
Sleeping
So here I stand, my dear friend held up a mirror showed me everything that was wrong, and started to back away to protect herself. My stomach is wrecked and I am slowly in repair. I realized I have been apathetic to my own wifes problems and her own drinking problems. My job has suffered.
Seeing someone, slowly back away, was the most devastating thing I could imagine. As long as I didn't hurt others it can't be bad. Well...I have hurt someone. She has made one of the most interesting statements about my drinking..."you would rather be known as the drunk party guy...then the guy who is getting sober"...thats paraphrased...but ... 100% spot on.
All of these things came at a time when I got kicked in the teeth with my own wallowing and depression. I saw myself as everything I hate. Sunday night last week I had a revelation. The alcohol was making me progressively more depressed. My sadness wasn't from any situations, it was from the alcohol creating a mass fuzz over my life. I felt like I had depression cataracts.
So, I am sober 6 days from alcohol.
I should maybe note I haven't touched a drug in almost 2 years. Like I said, it just never caught my attention.
It was easy to not do it, I watched to many peoples lives destroyed REALLY quickly over a few lines. Alcohol for me...is a creeper...
Sorry if this was a long post, I am not sure what protocol here is. Thanks for a place to tell my story.
My story starts 10 years ago. I am a long time insomniac who could find nothing that worked. Period. All that hocus pocus about meditation, warm milk, sheep...name all the bullcrap and I had listened to it for years, doctors refused to help for fear I would become addicted. Nothing worked. I spent all of highschool sleeping 2 hours a night. My brain just refuses to shut down.
10 years ago, I move to a new province and find some amazing stuff. Pot. BC Bud in its finest form. Well holy crap, this stuff is amazing, shuts my brain down and puts me to bed. I had my first night of 8 hours sleep in almost 15. Unfortunately, or fortunately, pot really affected my brain. It left me stupid the next day and I couldn't work. But low and behold, alcohol doesn't. I don't get hang overs, but if I could find the right amount, my brain turned off and I slept.
Spending the next 5 years drinking a 26 a night of rye or vodka, without the hang overs, had left me tired, worn out and a really ****** person. Not to mentioned endless recreational drugs, experimenting and damaging my body. Luckily I never once felt addicted to the drugs, so I couldn't become an alcoholic. But I realized I had a problem, but figured I could control it. I moderated. Woot...a mickey a day kept my brain at bay. Excluding the parties and nights out, I was a very high functioning alcoholic for the next 4 years. If I didn't drink before 8 pm...yep...couldn't be an "alcoholic"
Then something happened. I got a hangover. Yes I am serious, I have never had one before, I was that party guy that could bound out of bed in the morning and jog to work. Alcohol had 0 negative affects on me. In the short term!
Then, Hangovers suck. Holy crap why do I drink, this just sucks. But guess what I was tricked...so long enjoying the fun without suffering, I was stuck. I had a "drinking problem" and couldn't find a way out. I continued to try moderating.
2ish years ago I met the first person that questioned my drinking. She blew my mind that she thought I drank too much. Even though I knew I had a "problem", I wasn't an alcoholic. I could look around town and see endless people who were worse than me. In worse states with worse drugs. The towns streets are lined with cocaine and pot. How bad can alcohol be? Drugs didn't hold interest, I never got addicted...I enjoyed them with pride, because I didn't ever need them. Alcohol couldn't be a problem.
In the last year, my world became amazingly bright, beautiful and enriched by another woman. She showed me love and caring. She was a great friend in my times of need. Friendship is a tough thing for me to give out, I don't hand it out easily, it was nice to have this. She looked at my drinking, which I saw as small, and was shocked... I was shocked she was shocked...But I thought everything was perfect. I had a close friend, and my awesome wife. I also had my demon. My friend would wonder why my personality waved, I would be confident and happy, then odd and then the next day depressed. Alcohol had finally started showing its signs.
Depression
Anxiety
Stomach problems
Massive hangovers
My body was losing the fight. I kept moderating, cut down to 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 nights a week. I would have a great month, then a bad month. I couldn't kick the habit. For me I don't crave the "drink"...I crave the pattern. My alcoholism is rooted in
Socializing
habit (I use it nightly to sleep)
Boredom
Sleeping
So here I stand, my dear friend held up a mirror showed me everything that was wrong, and started to back away to protect herself. My stomach is wrecked and I am slowly in repair. I realized I have been apathetic to my own wifes problems and her own drinking problems. My job has suffered.
Seeing someone, slowly back away, was the most devastating thing I could imagine. As long as I didn't hurt others it can't be bad. Well...I have hurt someone. She has made one of the most interesting statements about my drinking..."you would rather be known as the drunk party guy...then the guy who is getting sober"...thats paraphrased...but ... 100% spot on.
All of these things came at a time when I got kicked in the teeth with my own wallowing and depression. I saw myself as everything I hate. Sunday night last week I had a revelation. The alcohol was making me progressively more depressed. My sadness wasn't from any situations, it was from the alcohol creating a mass fuzz over my life. I felt like I had depression cataracts.
So, I am sober 6 days from alcohol.
I should maybe note I haven't touched a drug in almost 2 years. Like I said, it just never caught my attention.
It was easy to not do it, I watched to many peoples lives destroyed REALLY quickly over a few lines. Alcohol for me...is a creeper...Sorry if this was a long post, I am not sure what protocol here is.
Thanks for a place to tell my story.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, perpetual - yeah, those hangovers start sneaking up on you, for sure. I found that they got worse, even if I drank relatively little the night before.
Congratulations on 6 days - that's a great start. Take it a day at a time. Also, don't let that voice start telling you that you're feeling so good that one or two wouldn't hurt. If you start forgetting the negatives of drinking, just come here and we'll remind you!
Congratulations on 6 days - that's a great start. Take it a day at a time. Also, don't let that voice start telling you that you're feeling so good that one or two wouldn't hurt. If you start forgetting the negatives of drinking, just come here and we'll remind you!
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
Welcome Perpetual! Congrats on the 6 days. You will find a lot of support here.
A lot of people self medicate with drugs / alcohol because of sleeping problems. I relate to that.
Sounds like you have identified a lot of reasons to quit. Good luck and keep us posted.
A lot of people self medicate with drugs / alcohol because of sleeping problems. I relate to that.
Sounds like you have identified a lot of reasons to quit. Good luck and keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Welcome to SR! I can relate; alcohol sure crept up on me. Took me a long time to see what I was doing to myself, and even a bit longer to decide to stop. Sure feels good to be clear of that haze now.
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