Manz

I'm on day 4 and went reluctantly(I say that but know I really needed to go) to AA tonight. The feelings that come to the surface are the exact reason for my drinking...or rather the reason I drink is to forget, or hide or ignore all of these feelings.
They say listen to the similarities..but all I want to hear are the differences...because the similarities in the end really are where the truth lies.

I hate this, but at the same time I know I need it. I need to stop drinking.

Tonight the similarity that made me cry buckets was that this...this place...this situation....this disease..this person that it has made me.....is not and never ever was what or how I saw myself or my life turning out!

I am very disappointed in myself.

5 days is the longest stretch of sobriety I have managed in a long long time...lets hope 4 becomes 5.....6...and more.

Kmber2010

Manz, first off huggs on sticking to your plan and going to the meeting. I am sure others will be along with AA experience and I wanted you to know that what you did is another great step in making changes to your life.

I know when I first reached out for help that it was hard. I literally began seeing my life for what it was and didn't have the blinders on anymore. It was necessary for me in order to change and I am grateful everyday that I did.

You are doing great Manz!! Its a journey and has its bumps but reaching out here and now beginning your face to face support....it will come together for you.

Thinking of you!!!

Snarf

Manz, it's great to hear that you've gone 5 days without a drink, and that you attended an AA meeting, even reluctantly. I'm sure there's a bit of reluctance on all of our parts to step into those rooms for the first time.

For the first couple months without alcohol, I dang near lived in the AA rooms. I went to noon meetings, 4pm, 5pm, 8pm, 10pm, 11pm...whatever was going on whenever I had free time. Being with people that understood where I've been and hearing their stories and sharing in their strength was so uplifting to me. Sure, some meetings were better than others (and some a lot worse than others), but I always took away at least 1 thing that I needed to hear from those meetings. And it's definitely worth the hour for that 1 thing.

I also really loved speaking with people before and after the meetings. That's where most of the AA work is done, outside the rooms.

To be perfectly honest, since my sponsor moved away and I lost my license, I've definitely been slipping on the AA meetings and Step Work. And I can tell because it's affecting other parts of my life. I haven't had a drink, but I have slipped back into so bad behaviors that I had when I was boozing. And lately the thoughts of a drink have become a little more frequent than in the past (though I haven't been to the edge or anything...I've learned to deal with those thoughts effectively, I think).

Thank you very much for your post. I've been dealing with some life issues lately, and probably not dealing with them in the best manner, and your post helped shed some light on my recent "difficulties" with life. I need to get myself back into the rooms and into the BB.

Again, great job on the 5 days and getting to a meeting. Hope you stick around a while. I look forward to sharing the journey with you.

CarolD

I too was not thrilled at the idea of going to AA
I certainly never expected to need a way to quit...

The final 5 years I drank...I had become a woman I detested.
Externally....there was nothing apparently wrong.
Mentally I was a mess!

I so hope you will continue your sobriety this time can be different.

Ollie909

Manz I don't think anyone has stumbled into an AA meeting because they felt like it. The times I did were mandatory. But what you did was inspire me to do the same.

littlefish

That first meeting is a tough one: I was in a blur. I absorbed very little, didn't listen at all. I was nervous and uncomfortable.
I have a funny story though, if it helps...
I was worried about sitting in the same room with a bunch of park bench drunks who hadn't showered...yeah, I know. I was really good at doing other people's inventories when I first came in to AA.
Anyway, everyone was so young, attractive, happy, bright-eyed, I thought: where's all the park bench drunks?
Then a guy walks in late and I thought: oh, he's gotta be one! He was kind of scruffy looking.
Turns out he is a millionaire in the boating industry. Spends 3 months a year vacationing in Thailand.

Maryjan

My meetings have been very rough. I feel the same way: I don't want to be like this, I don't want to be in here, I don't want this club to be my club. I tried 2 different places and both times the room was depressing, the stories were sad, and I wanted to run. I made myself get a sponsor my second meeting. Now I have someone to sit next to, and it's made a big difference. I actually sort of want to go to a meeting today...I recognize a few people now, and maybe it keeps getting better.

Veritas1

^^^ How about we look at it like "we get to be here"...instead of being "out there"!

We get to create a new life...we get a second chance in AA, in sobriety.

We get to meet and have new friends.

We get to benefit from their experience, strength and hope.

We go and listen for the good. It's there...

Anna

I don't go to meetings, but I definitely felt the shame of the label 'alcoholic'.

I think it was important to accept that I was an addict, because without the acceptance, recovery can't begin. But, after that, I focused more on the positive and the good things I was doing for myself.

Corri

I think the mental image of the Park Bench Drunk is what keeps a LOT of people from attending AA. It's either, '... but I'm not a Park Bench Drunk! (yet)' OR "All I'm going to find in AA are Park Bench Drunks -- how could they help me?"

Yes, all those stories I heard the first time (and sometimes still) were sad stories -- and with every pun intended, they were sobering stories. I believed every single one of them, without a doubt in my heart. I was so grateful to HEAR the truth, in those sad stories, so hopefully I could get my head together and my ass in gear and NEVER live the truth in those stories myself. It was like they were all collectively saying to me, "listen to our stories, dearie, and listen up good. Hopefully by sharing where we've been, you can find in yourself whatever it is you need to never, ever, ever go there yourself." Some things in life are best not experienced first-hand.

I went down the drunk road as far as I was willing to go, thank you very much. All those people want to help me do whatever it is I can not to go any further. I haven't had such an experience with people in all my life. Most people want to push you down, or out of the way, so they can get where they need to go and get there before you do (wherever that might be).

To me, the 'deep shame' feeling took about a week or so to fade. It was replaced with a feeling I got from AA, and it was, "I don't care WHAT the world calls me, I'm going to do whatever it takes to get sober because I never want to feel such deep shame again." And if any room I walk into is filled with Park Bench Drunks who want to help me do just that, I don't care... if they want to help, I'm taking it. And I will try to give as much as I get because the beauty of it is... I'm not drinking.

LexieCat

Keep going to those meetings! I find very very few "sad" meetings--people had sad experiences while drinking (and--newsflash--sad stuff happens in recovery, too!) but the point is, they aren't living that way anymore. They have found a solution. A way to deal with life on life's terms without hiding out from it in a bottle.

As you get more familiar with AA and with the people who rely on it as a program that works (provided you "work it"), I'm betting you will feel more and more hope and start enjoying the fellowship.