Tyler312

So I brought up divorce with AW last night.

Very long story short, I started out saying we are getting a divorce. I ended up considering working through things.

I have a few questions:

1. If one cannot trust an addict, how do you know when enough is enough?
2. She insists she is not an addict, she simply self medicates due to her medical issues. I may need some reassurances here that I am correct in calling her an addict. I mean, she isn't anywhere near the extreme end of addiction. How do you know when an addict is an addict?

I'm obviously second-guessing myself. Just trying to be fair and not go too fast down the divorce path.

suki44883

Only you can decide when you have had enough. Trust is about the most important component of a relationship. If I was unable to trust someone, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to live with them. You don't have to divorce immediately. Perhaps a separation will give both of you the time you need to decide what you truly want to do. So far as the self-medicating goes, if her doctor prescribed meds aren't working, she needs to go back to the doctor and tell him that so he can figure out what will work and she won't have the excuse of self-medicating on her own.

Tyler312

Yeah, I keep forgetting about separation; that is a good suggestion. I grazed that topic with her yesterday, but sugar-coated it a bit too much.

That is probably one of my better options. I am trying to deny my feelings; mainly that I don't trust her.

suki44883

The thing to remember is that you cannot control her. If she wants to abuse her medication or go out and buy other drugs, that's what she will do. All you can do is decide what you will and will not live with. Threatening her with divorce or separation if she doesn't stop is a form of control. She knows how you feel about these things and if she continues to do them, then no more talking about it will change things. Do what you need to do for yourself.

tam

dont want to burst your bubble tyler but thats the exact quote my ah said when after a very long time I came to the conclusion he was an addict and I confronted him numerous times. it took years for him to become addicted and needing more and more of not only pain meds, but other meds to medicate himself for mania, depression, sleep apnea (passing out) etc.etc..I was in denial and also second guessed myself, until I learned more about addiction,saw his behavior change, his morals changed and he went down hill. I went down hill too. then things burst and got out of hand when I decided let go and step away.. since then, 5 of his drs.and a judge
has ruled he is in fact an addict. doesnt matter what illness he has, doesnt matter who prescribes them, he wants them to self medicate,they will play the system (and us) to get them.
Keep seeking support and educating yourself you will get answers about second guessing yourself.

sebby1234

I think "I'm not an addict, I need the medication". Is a standard line in the book of addicts. I'v also heard it from my wife. There is always a reason why she NEEDS to take the medication and of course when it was out of control, she wasn't an addict, she was just physically dependent on it.

Although I have not brought up divorce officially yet, in a way she knows I have one foot out the door and has recently changed her tune and now claims "I never said I wasn't an addict, I've been to detox/rehab before so I know what I need to do". For her this means, claiming she is working with her new doctor on tapering her dosage off. Of course her last prescription was still written as 16mg/day (2 pills/day) yet she claims she is now on 8mg/day and don't know why he wrote the script for 2 pills/day.

But probably more important is that she cannot get off her A** to save her life and even make an effort to attend meetings. There is always an excuse and of course, apparently all meetings have too many guys which are creepy/scary.

As for how much is too much, as other have said, it's all a question of what you are willing to tolerate. But one of my big issues even if my AW would take charge of herself, is that I am unsure I could even have full trust in her and do I really want to live the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.