Like father, like son
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Like father, like son
I'm a survivor after a 25+ year marriage to an alcoholic. I'm healthy now, and worked hard to get here. My spouse was both abusive and constantly drunk the last few years of our marriage. I ended that 5 years ago and have very much appreciated the peace and tranquility I have in my life now.
I have a son, who's been a troubled teenager, and now a troubled twenty something. I've realized recently that he's just like his father - same sickness, same anger issues. A real "chip off the old block" - so to speak. Recently, he ask for my help. He needed a place to stay - had no job - no money. It's Winter and I just couldn't have him living on the streets and thought that he may benefit from spending time at home now that it is a peaceful place and I am healthy. I had no idea of the scope of his addictions.
He's had 3 OWI arrests, fights with the police, and anyone with authority. Very low self esteem and is by far as "far gone" as his father was in much later years. Shortly before the holidays, he was stopped for speeding - and arrested due to bail jumping from his previous offenses. He also fought with the officers, and gathered a charge of injury to an officer - which is a felony.
He talked his girlfriend into bailing him out once more just before Xmas. I knew that was a mistake - but refrained from commenting as I know I do not have control over his life. It wasn't my place. He'd secured a car title loan to raise the significant bail money and had 30 days to repay that obligation or lose his vehicle. A big gamble under the circumstances.
A few days ago, I became aware that he was being verbally abusive to his girlfriend (she moved here too - they are a live-together couple). I took her aside and told her that nobody deserves to be treated like that, and then gave her some names of people that could help her. That seemed to propel her into taking some action, and by the next day she was packing her things to leave.
My son went on a tirade with this news... drinking, driving, angry. Another violation of his bond... adding more consequences. He spent hours calling her, calling me, threatening to hurt her cats, break her possessions, and hurt her. He stayed with other friends for one night, as she needed space and I told him to stay away and sober up so that he could make better decisions.
By yesterday, he had worn her down, and while she remained intent on moving out, she did allow him to come and talk, and observe her pack so that he knew she was not "taking" his belongings. Within an hour he was very angry, frantic, and threatening her with all of the above, and then turned to threatening to kill himself. He was totally out of control. Ransacked my room looking for pills - and then out to the garage to look for rope to hang himself. (All a cry for help I know).
At that point both she and I became fearful for our safety (and his) and the call was made to the police. They arrived within minutes, subdued him and took him away.
He's now got another charge of bail jumping, and disorderly conduct. He did not fight with the officers as they had their guns drawn and were ready to deal with him in anyway that they had to.
She stayed the night and finished packing her belongings and left this morning with help from another friend.
As for my son, he's in jail (where he belongs), and has even more charges and complications to face now. He'll lose his vehicle, he's lost everything.
Pretty sad for me to witness... I believe it's even harder when it's a child - as opposed to a spouse. I had so hoped that he would be different. It leaves me second-guessing my previous parenting, and yes... feeling quite guilty I did not leave his father many years ago when my son was just a little boy.
I can't change any of that, I know. I also know that I do not need this drama in my life and will not tolerate it as I have gotten healthy and enjoy and appreciate my life and the peace I have.
As for the future, and where he'll stay when he's released from jail - is unknown to me. If he were committed to recovery, I'd be there to support him... but I know that will require many many months of treatment, and evidence of 100% commitment from him before I would want him under my roof again. He's so very much like his father, so very much... and I know that my X did not have the capacity to overcome his addictions. It took him down... and that is where he remains until it takes his life. I fear the same for my son.
I have a son, who's been a troubled teenager, and now a troubled twenty something. I've realized recently that he's just like his father - same sickness, same anger issues. A real "chip off the old block" - so to speak. Recently, he ask for my help. He needed a place to stay - had no job - no money. It's Winter and I just couldn't have him living on the streets and thought that he may benefit from spending time at home now that it is a peaceful place and I am healthy. I had no idea of the scope of his addictions.
He's had 3 OWI arrests, fights with the police, and anyone with authority. Very low self esteem and is by far as "far gone" as his father was in much later years. Shortly before the holidays, he was stopped for speeding - and arrested due to bail jumping from his previous offenses. He also fought with the officers, and gathered a charge of injury to an officer - which is a felony.
He talked his girlfriend into bailing him out once more just before Xmas. I knew that was a mistake - but refrained from commenting as I know I do not have control over his life. It wasn't my place. He'd secured a car title loan to raise the significant bail money and had 30 days to repay that obligation or lose his vehicle. A big gamble under the circumstances.
A few days ago, I became aware that he was being verbally abusive to his girlfriend (she moved here too - they are a live-together couple). I took her aside and told her that nobody deserves to be treated like that, and then gave her some names of people that could help her. That seemed to propel her into taking some action, and by the next day she was packing her things to leave.
My son went on a tirade with this news... drinking, driving, angry. Another violation of his bond... adding more consequences. He spent hours calling her, calling me, threatening to hurt her cats, break her possessions, and hurt her. He stayed with other friends for one night, as she needed space and I told him to stay away and sober up so that he could make better decisions.
By yesterday, he had worn her down, and while she remained intent on moving out, she did allow him to come and talk, and observe her pack so that he knew she was not "taking" his belongings. Within an hour he was very angry, frantic, and threatening her with all of the above, and then turned to threatening to kill himself. He was totally out of control. Ransacked my room looking for pills - and then out to the garage to look for rope to hang himself. (All a cry for help I know).
At that point both she and I became fearful for our safety (and his) and the call was made to the police. They arrived within minutes, subdued him and took him away.
He's now got another charge of bail jumping, and disorderly conduct. He did not fight with the officers as they had their guns drawn and were ready to deal with him in anyway that they had to.
She stayed the night and finished packing her belongings and left this morning with help from another friend.
As for my son, he's in jail (where he belongs), and has even more charges and complications to face now. He'll lose his vehicle, he's lost everything.
Pretty sad for me to witness... I believe it's even harder when it's a child - as opposed to a spouse. I had so hoped that he would be different. It leaves me second-guessing my previous parenting, and yes... feeling quite guilty I did not leave his father many years ago when my son was just a little boy.
I can't change any of that, I know. I also know that I do not need this drama in my life and will not tolerate it as I have gotten healthy and enjoy and appreciate my life and the peace I have.
As for the future, and where he'll stay when he's released from jail - is unknown to me. If he were committed to recovery, I'd be there to support him... but I know that will require many many months of treatment, and evidence of 100% commitment from him before I would want him under my roof again. He's so very much like his father, so very much... and I know that my X did not have the capacity to overcome his addictions. It took him down... and that is where he remains until it takes his life. I fear the same for my son.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
I can feel your pain. I have a teenage son and I have my fingers crossed that he will follow a healthy path, and not his dad's. Sounds like you are keeping your sanity. Good for you. After listening to folks in my Al Anon group, I am convinced that having a child with a problem can be much more complicated from an emotional point of view.
Good luck. Maybe your son will pull out of the down spiral before he wastes too much of his life.
Good luck. Maybe your son will pull out of the down spiral before he wastes too much of his life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm sorry for your pain. My AD has been incarcerated so many times now that it's just no big deal to her. I couldn't tell you how many years she's been on probation now.
I took her in many years ago temporarily after a lengthy incarceration, and it took less than a month for my life and household to be turned upside down.
I kicked her out and changed the locks.
She's still not welcome in my home.
We all make mistakes in parenting. There is no manual for the job, is there?
I did the best that I could with what I had.
She's an adult now, is well aware of what recovery is, and yet still chooses to live the way she does.
She has the right.
I also have the right to my own life, free of a front row seat to her insanity.
Hugs from one mom to another!
I took her in many years ago temporarily after a lengthy incarceration, and it took less than a month for my life and household to be turned upside down.
I kicked her out and changed the locks.
She's still not welcome in my home.
We all make mistakes in parenting. There is no manual for the job, is there?
I did the best that I could with what I had.
She's an adult now, is well aware of what recovery is, and yet still chooses to live the way she does.
She has the right.
I also have the right to my own life, free of a front row seat to her insanity.
Hugs from one mom to another!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Dousman WI
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
I'm sorry for your pain. My AD has been incarcerated so many times now that it's just no big deal to her. I couldn't tell you how many years she's been on probation now.
I took her in many years ago temporarily after a lengthy incarceration, and it took less than a month for my life and household to be turned upside down.
I kicked her out and changed the locks.
She's still not welcome in my home.
We all make mistakes in parenting. There is no manual for the job, is there?
I did the best that I could with what I had.
She's an adult now, is well aware of what recovery is, and yet still chooses to live the way she does.
She has the right.
I also have the right to my own life, free of a front row seat to her insanity.
Hugs from one mom to another!
I took her in many years ago temporarily after a lengthy incarceration, and it took less than a month for my life and household to be turned upside down.
I kicked her out and changed the locks.
She's still not welcome in my home.
We all make mistakes in parenting. There is no manual for the job, is there?
I did the best that I could with what I had.
She's an adult now, is well aware of what recovery is, and yet still chooses to live the way she does.
She has the right.
I also have the right to my own life, free of a front row seat to her insanity.
Hugs from one mom to another!
Words I need to hear....from another mother, thank you
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
You know, when I feel overburdened with my life, I appreciate hearing how my life *could* be.
I didn't have kids with my AH.
I don't know your struggles, personally.
But, heck! I can feel what a challenge you have to work with.
All the same rules apply, right?
Detach.
Allow your AS to be who he is.
Respect, honor, and trust him enough (regardless of his awful behavior) to make his own choices.
Protect yourself.
Love him AND set boundaries.
And it sounds like you are working on doing all those things.
But, wow. That is a real challenge.
Lucky for you, you got to practice with your AH first!
It sounds like an excellent opportunity to trust your HP (whatever it is) to care for him while you work on caring for yourself.
All my love to you in this hard time,
Peace
I didn't have kids with my AH.
I don't know your struggles, personally.
But, heck! I can feel what a challenge you have to work with.
All the same rules apply, right?
Detach.
Allow your AS to be who he is.
Respect, honor, and trust him enough (regardless of his awful behavior) to make his own choices.
Protect yourself.
Love him AND set boundaries.
And it sounds like you are working on doing all those things.
But, wow. That is a real challenge.
Lucky for you, you got to practice with your AH first!
It sounds like an excellent opportunity to trust your HP (whatever it is) to care for him while you work on caring for yourself.
All my love to you in this hard time,
Peace
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Dear Isurvived ... boy, what a difficult situation. But behind it all I heard a healthy person who understands this disease ... you know what you have to do, that you have to take care of yourself.
God bless.....
God bless.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
HI,
All I have to offer is this: my AH had two sons whom he abandoned twenty years ago. When he reconnected with them during a sober period we learned that both had had drinking problems with legal issues. One made a choice to get sober and stay that way for his family. The other is just like his father and yet has surpassed him in the number of broken marriages and abandoned children.
I guess I am suggesting that it can go either way depending on the person.
Hope and pray for the best and be prepared for the worst. Take care of yourself first and get support.
All I have to offer is this: my AH had two sons whom he abandoned twenty years ago. When he reconnected with them during a sober period we learned that both had had drinking problems with legal issues. One made a choice to get sober and stay that way for his family. The other is just like his father and yet has surpassed him in the number of broken marriages and abandoned children.
I guess I am suggesting that it can go either way depending on the person.
Hope and pray for the best and be prepared for the worst. Take care of yourself first and get support.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Pretty sad for me to witness... I believe it's even harder when it's a child - as opposed to a spouse. I had so hoped that he would be different. It leaves me second-guessing my previous parenting, and yes... feeling quite guilty I did not leave his father many years ago when my son was just a little boy.
I can't change any of that, I know. I also know that I do not need this drama in my life and will not tolerate it as I have gotten healthy and enjoy and appreciate my life and the peace I have.
I can't change any of that, I know. I also know that I do not need this drama in my life and will not tolerate it as I have gotten healthy and enjoy and appreciate my life and the peace I have.
I have a son, just turned thirty, who I think is back out there, and my daughter 18, doing the best she can and working hard..
enjoy and appreciate the peace you have.
Thank you
Beth
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by isurvived
It leaves me second-guessing my previous parenting, and yes... feeling quite guilty I did not leave his father many years ago when my son was just a little boy.
I can't change any of that, I know. I also know that I do not need this drama in my life and will not tolerate it as I have gotten healthy and enjoy and appreciate my life and the peace I have.
I can't change any of that, I know. I also know that I do not need this drama in my life and will not tolerate it as I have gotten healthy and enjoy and appreciate my life and the peace I have.
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
We all make mistakes in parenting. There is no manual for the job, is there?
I did the best that I could with what I had.
I did the best that I could with what I had.
I'm sorry that this has happened. It's one of my worst nightmares.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
My son is still in jail. His bail is rather high, $2500. He's begged and pleaded with me to bail him out. Said we'd talk "face to face" about rehab after that.
I said "NO". No bail help from me.
Now, I would help a bit with treatment costs. He has no insurance, no job, no money. It seems there is no inpatient treatment facility for the indigent. There is the Salvation Army, but I don't know how much of a program they have. He needs professional help. He has lots of issues to deal with, and needs the tools.
I'm about to call Dr. Phil... he helped that man with the golden voice - who is currently at the Origins Drug and Rehab in TX. Wish my son could go there.
For now, he's safe in the jail. Can't drink there either. Has to be OK for now.
I said "NO". No bail help from me.
Now, I would help a bit with treatment costs. He has no insurance, no job, no money. It seems there is no inpatient treatment facility for the indigent. There is the Salvation Army, but I don't know how much of a program they have. He needs professional help. He has lots of issues to deal with, and needs the tools.
I'm about to call Dr. Phil... he helped that man with the golden voice - who is currently at the Origins Drug and Rehab in TX. Wish my son could go there.
For now, he's safe in the jail. Can't drink there either. Has to be OK for now.
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