Is this how detachment feels?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Is this how detachment feels?
We had another "event" at our house yesterday...
I received a call at work from my 18 year old son asking me to come home. He had to go to work and he was worried about leaving his dad home alone. My AH was very drunk and apparently in the middle of some sort of crisis. (At 3:00 in the afternoon). I told him to go to work and I would be home in a little bit.
About a half hour later my 22 year old son called to see if I was on my way, because he had come home and his dad was in the middle of some sort of melt-down. He'd thrown a glass container of food at the cupboard and there was broken glass and food all over the kitchen. This is the life in crazyville.
The weird thing is that through all of this ~ I have really felt at peace. I haven't felt emotional, worried, upset, afraid... I feel done. I haven't done any crying or hand wringing or nervous pacing. I spent a peaceful evening at home while my AH slept it off. When he awoke this morning, I told him he needed to move out. He said okay.
I'm sure there will be more "effort" and promises to change and all that, but either way he needs to go. I still love my husband and I care about what happens to him, but I am convinced that there is nothing I can do (other than take care of myself).
I feel healthy ~ and it feels good.
I received a call at work from my 18 year old son asking me to come home. He had to go to work and he was worried about leaving his dad home alone. My AH was very drunk and apparently in the middle of some sort of crisis. (At 3:00 in the afternoon). I told him to go to work and I would be home in a little bit.
About a half hour later my 22 year old son called to see if I was on my way, because he had come home and his dad was in the middle of some sort of melt-down. He'd thrown a glass container of food at the cupboard and there was broken glass and food all over the kitchen. This is the life in crazyville.
The weird thing is that through all of this ~ I have really felt at peace. I haven't felt emotional, worried, upset, afraid... I feel done. I haven't done any crying or hand wringing or nervous pacing. I spent a peaceful evening at home while my AH slept it off. When he awoke this morning, I told him he needed to move out. He said okay.
I'm sure there will be more "effort" and promises to change and all that, but either way he needs to go. I still love my husband and I care about what happens to him, but I am convinced that there is nothing I can do (other than take care of myself).
I feel healthy ~ and it feels good.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
KerBearz - sorry that you and your kids had to experience that ...
I've had the same feelings this week and asked myself the same question ... I think we've "arrived" and what a blessing!
There have been some similar posts this week and works that resonate with me are "relief" and "exhale". I'm not sure that all my friends and family understand my rather non-emotional response to seperation this week but I'm trying to share the concept with them. Some think I could be a "ticking time bomb" and the reality of it will hit me soon and I will be devasted. I wondered that myself for a couple days ...
I've cried at Alanon and some by myself and I think I know why.
Alanon: it is such a safe, honest room with SO much support around me ... by saying it out loud, it seems feels like surrendering it and I no longer need to drag it around with me: take the sting and power out of it and keeps it in perspective with my life.
When I'm alone: it's happens when I've leave a group of friends ... with reflection, I feel that my emotion was love and greatfullness for them - I was so touched by their uncondtiional support and love of me.
Yes - I believe detachment with love was our first step in sanity and the next was simply detachment. I don't love him as a husband anymore but of course care for his recovery and health. After 21 years together (no children) - I choose to keep the good times and move on.
I've had the same feelings this week and asked myself the same question ... I think we've "arrived" and what a blessing!
There have been some similar posts this week and works that resonate with me are "relief" and "exhale". I'm not sure that all my friends and family understand my rather non-emotional response to seperation this week but I'm trying to share the concept with them. Some think I could be a "ticking time bomb" and the reality of it will hit me soon and I will be devasted. I wondered that myself for a couple days ...
I've cried at Alanon and some by myself and I think I know why.
Alanon: it is such a safe, honest room with SO much support around me ... by saying it out loud, it seems feels like surrendering it and I no longer need to drag it around with me: take the sting and power out of it and keeps it in perspective with my life.
When I'm alone: it's happens when I've leave a group of friends ... with reflection, I feel that my emotion was love and greatfullness for them - I was so touched by their uncondtiional support and love of me.
Yes - I believe detachment with love was our first step in sanity and the next was simply detachment. I don't love him as a husband anymore but of course care for his recovery and health. After 21 years together (no children) - I choose to keep the good times and move on.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I am sorry about the chaos in your home, but I know the feeling you're describing when all you want is for him to take that insanity out of your space. 
don't be surprised if it comes and goes, but appreciate it when you feel it. And aspire to make every minute that way.
don't be surprised if it comes and goes, but appreciate it when you feel it. And aspire to make every minute that way.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
I would suggest enjoying the relief when it is present. You are right to recognize that it will falter - but by recognizing this feeling you can remember what it is like and go back there anything you want to.
It felt eerie for me at first and then became a guide. I am a big advocate of loving the person but not like the behavior. Loving from a distance. Letting someone learn the hard way if that is what they are choosing to do. I feel some sadness that your son has this type of responsibility and feeling but I can tell you that my kids learned a lot about being compassionate and setting boundaries from their experience.
Unfortunately I didn't learn those things growing up but I got now.
Be at peace as much as possible.
It felt eerie for me at first and then became a guide. I am a big advocate of loving the person but not like the behavior. Loving from a distance. Letting someone learn the hard way if that is what they are choosing to do. I feel some sadness that your son has this type of responsibility and feeling but I can tell you that my kids learned a lot about being compassionate and setting boundaries from their experience.
Unfortunately I didn't learn those things growing up but I got now.
Be at peace as much as possible.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
*hugs and prayers for KerBers*
I think
from reading so many of your posts
you've already done a lot of work
and gotten a good bit of the grieving
out of the way.
It is a bit numb sometimes
(when they just leave without a huge scene)
and something may 'hit' in a week or so
but if you feel 'relief' ...
then let that dog run!
I think
from reading so many of your posts
you've already done a lot of work
and gotten a good bit of the grieving
out of the way.
It is a bit numb sometimes
(when they just leave without a huge scene)
and something may 'hit' in a week or so
but if you feel 'relief' ...
then let that dog run!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by Kassie2 
I feel some sadness that your son has this type of responsibility and feeling but I can tell you that my kids learned a lot about being compassionate and setting boundaries from their experience.
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