Alexis0000

I'm 17 and my fiance is 21 (please don't judge). We've been together for two years. He is a recovering alcoholic/druggy. When we first two summers ago i was on the way to being an alcocholic drug addict as well. I would go over there and get drunk every day for a couple of months. I found out i was pregnant when i was 16 and now have a 6 month old so. he stopped everything for me. but he's had never ending relapses. He just started college and it seemed like everything was so good and now he's drunk and stranded in Salt Lake City somewhere and probably going to get arrested for doing something stupid. It just feels like it's never going to end and i don't know what to do. Anyone have something similar or advice or anything?

suki44883

You cannot help him. Do you have any family you can call for help for you and your baby?

he stopped everything for me. but he's had never ending relapses.

If he's had never ending relapses, he didn't stop everything. It is what it is. He's off drunk somewhere doing no one knows what. Your responsibility is you and your 6 month old baby. Find help for yourself and let him deal with whatever he has gotten himself into.

No one is judging you, but we are familiar enough with your story to know that your loyalties lie with your baby...the one who truly needs you.

Alexis0000

I never looked at it that way even though i typed it ha. No, I don't have anyone to talk to, my family and friends don't know about his habbits. I know my priorities lie with my baby, we don't live with him right now or anything.

Alexis0000

AH! I'm sorry everyone. My first post didn't make much sense. It's passed my bed time.

theuncertainty

Are you afraid they won't help you or support you if they know about his habits? Or that they'll think less of you - or him - if they knew? I ask because I was so afraid that my family would think less of me if they knew what my XAH was really like. Like it was all my fault that he was an A. It was a very unfounded fear and it was beyond my control and definitely not my fault that he was an A.

It's only once the secrets are brought out into the light that we start to heal.

And getting support in place is so important.

Alexis0000

My family are uptight a** holes. They would make everything so much worse if i told them lol i got caught with drugs a couple years ago and ever since then that's all they think i do, i can't even joke about it and my mom turns psycho, and if i tell them they'll think he's trying to load me up on booze and drugs (which he's not).

TakingCharge999

Alanon...therapy?
Are you open to these possibilities=?
Alanon philosophies have helped me when no one else got it. Therapy has changed my life.

tjp613

Please don't marry him until his recovery is rock solid.

And to answer your question, no, it never ends. Recovery from addiction is a lifelong commitment.

Alexis0000

I'm not planning on marrying him or even moving in with him tell i feel like he's not going to go running back to that at the littlest thing that upsets him. I know it's for life his relapses are just so close together with like a month or if i'm lucky two and i just can't handle that for the rest of my life. i know relapses are a part of recovery i just didn't think it would be like this.

barb dwyer

Hi Alexis and welcome to SR!

I was on early this morning and wrote to you
butr apparently my computer timed out
or my morning coffee wore off
and it didn't post.
Annoying because it was freaking brilliant.



Welcome!

I agree with what's been said here
and since I'm kind of a 'neighbor' up here in Montana
I know that the resources for support
aren't as plentiful there as they are in other parts of the country.

I think Alanon has dropped the ball in a big way
by not having a teen-anon or whatever.
Considering the continual rise
of teen pregnancy and
it's inter-connection with addiction,
you'd think they'd have come up with something
oriented in a relate-able way for
for the (teen) spouses and partners
of teen addicts.

wow.
that was a big sentence.

Again,
welcome to the forum.

I hope you'll make friends here
and find the strength and support
you need
to keep your baby in the front
and whose welfare comes before
all other things
and ahead of everything else
for at least the next eighteen years or so.

just like he keeps his addiciton
in the front and the first thought.
You'll learn
to keep the welfare of your child
above and unreachable ahead
of every choice you make for a while to come yet.

I was a teen parent
in a time when
it wasn't as acceptable
as it is today.

Welcome to the forum, hon!

NoelleR

You've gotten a lot of really good suggestions, so I'll leave them at that, however................a wee FYI....?

You wrote.....: "... i know relapses are a part of recovery..."

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! .....a thousand times 'no.' Relapse is NOT a part of recovery; it IS a part the addiction. It doesn't sound to me as if he's in recovery. It sounds more like he's totally into his addiction, with some time out/off (when he's not using) every once in a blue moon.........?

I'm reminded of the ole AA saying (not just AA tho).....the one that started out as.....: "No major changes in early recovery;" which then became......: "No new relationships in the first year of recovery;" which has become......: "No relationships (new or old) in the first year of recovery."....

Even tho I'm a follower of the original, I believe if I were in your shoes (oh lord, carryin' a baby with my bad back.....? not in this lifetime.....LOLOL).....sorry I digressed.....again, if I founed myself in your circumstances, I think I'd wait at least a year for our relationship. In the meantime, both of y'all could be working on your recovery (his AND yours).....


(o:
NoelleR

Alexis0000

Thank you to everyon that posted. i have a lot to think about

newby1961

We women carry with us a picture of the ideal man, the sort of guy we would like our man to be. It is the most natural thing in the world,once his liquor problem is solved, to feel that he will now measure up to that cherished vision. Another feeling we are very likely to entertain is one of resentment that love and loyalty could not cure our guy of alcoholism.
These are some of the items that can be read in the BB(Alcoholics Anonymous) in Ch-8 to the wives. There is also another chapter after that one dedicated to the families of the alcoholic. Maybe you could check some of it out? You can read it online, or go to a meeting and get one, heck I think they even have copies in the library. I lived with an addict/alcoholic for almost 8 years. The hardest part for me was when I knew deep down he really wanted to stop, and he would have tears in his eyes promising me no more, I swear this is the last time. All the promises, then the lies, and all I could do is remember the good times we had and how I knew if I stuck it out with him we would be a happy family again. The only difference in my case was I to was or am an addict/alcoholic, but I was clean in AA at the time. I thought if he really loved me he would quit, forgetting the whole time how many people in my family I loved and I couldn't quit for them. I had enough to deal with in my own life, but then I also felt like I was dealing with all his to. Alanon really is a miracle of a program. I have seen it work wonders in some of the most horrific cases. No lectures though from me, I know deep down you know the right answers and actions. If you ever want to talk send me a message. Keep the Faith girl Peace