friendships post-divorce
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
friendships post-divorce
I had a sad situation with a close friend recently. Last year she and her family went on a trip with a group. They invited my children and me. I went and had a blast. We were invited this year until a few weeks ago she said the whole trip was stressing her out and having my children and me there added to her sense of responsibility and we just couldn't go.
My feelings have really been hurt and the therapist told me that you lose friendships during divorce. that some people can't handle you divorced.
She was my best friend (I thought) and she wants to think this is situational, but all I can hear is "you and your kids are too much trouble" and I don't see how the friendship can ever be the same.
Do you have any experience like this? I thought that the friendships that didn't survive the divorce would be people who were friends of XH's. Not girlfriends.
My feelings have really been hurt and the therapist told me that you lose friendships during divorce. that some people can't handle you divorced.
She was my best friend (I thought) and she wants to think this is situational, but all I can hear is "you and your kids are too much trouble" and I don't see how the friendship can ever be the same.
Do you have any experience like this? I thought that the friendships that didn't survive the divorce would be people who were friends of XH's. Not girlfriends.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
When I got divorced (nothing to do with alcoholism) I trully found out who my real friends were, and still are ten years later.
My ex and I kept up our seperate friendships from before we got married, some 'mingled' some didn't, but after the divorce the true friends were obvious.
It hurts to think someone was a friend, then find out they can't or won't deal with a situational change, I think that's their problem if they can't deal with it.
And they're no real friend if they can't/won't support you through it.
My ex and I kept up our seperate friendships from before we got married, some 'mingled' some didn't, but after the divorce the true friends were obvious.
It hurts to think someone was a friend, then find out they can't or won't deal with a situational change, I think that's their problem if they can't deal with it.
And they're no real friend if they can't/won't support you through it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
that's why I've been pretty blown-away by it. It shouldn't be extra responsibility for her, but it's a trip with a lot of outdoor activities (hiking, etc.) and she berated me for all the things I did "wrong" last year that contributed to her worry - not actually doing anything more - just the worry.
That hurt more than anything else - and I told her so. that she has been angry for a year and what did that mean for all the fun times we've had since last March --really she was angry? and she said "oh no - those were really fun."
But I'm just not feeling it any more. I thanked her and her family for letting us join them. I wrote notes to all the other families and thanked them for including us. It was truly one of the great highlights of a hard year. for me and my children.
and now she hopes this won't change our friendship?
That hurt more than anything else - and I told her so. that she has been angry for a year and what did that mean for all the fun times we've had since last March --really she was angry? and she said "oh no - those were really fun."
But I'm just not feeling it any more. I thanked her and her family for letting us join them. I wrote notes to all the other families and thanked them for including us. It was truly one of the great highlights of a hard year. for me and my children.
and now she hopes this won't change our friendship?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Originally Posted by stella27 
that's why I've been pretty blown-away by it. It shouldn't be extra responsibility for her, but it's a trip with a lot of outdoor activities (hiking, etc.) and she berated me for all the things I did "wrong" last year that contributed to her worry - not actually doing anything more - just the worry.
That hurt more than anything else - and I told her so. that she has been angry for a year and what did that mean for all the fun times we've had since last March --really she was angry? and she said "oh no - those were really fun."
But I'm just not feeling it any more. I thanked her and her family for letting us join them. I wrote notes to all the other families and thanked them for including us. It was truly one of the great highlights of a hard year. for me and my children.
and now she hopes this won't change our friendship?
That hurt more than anything else - and I told her so. that she has been angry for a year and what did that mean for all the fun times we've had since last March --really she was angry? and she said "oh no - those were really fun."
But I'm just not feeling it any more. I thanked her and her family for letting us join them. I wrote notes to all the other families and thanked them for including us. It was truly one of the great highlights of a hard year. for me and my children.
and now she hopes this won't change our friendship?
OK, so maybe it does hurt, I know it does, but I'd rather be told where I wasn't wanted than have to work it out for myself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
well, with the lack of mutual reciprocity and respect in this decision, no discussion and the humiliating "chewing out" dynamic...it would change for me. Alot.
I would have to re-examine the "friendship" entirely. It may not fit into my life anymore.
I have to wonder tho' about her speaking for the whole group like that?
I still get the sense there is something very off about all of it. And "un-inviting" someone? That is not cool. Esp. when there are kids and the kids have been looking forward to it.
Why isn't she working on managing her stress better? THAT makes more sense.
I had a friend who started trying to boss me around and have me work around their many insecurities..it became completely unworkable and I haven't missed it once it really reached that point.
I would have to re-examine the "friendship" entirely. It may not fit into my life anymore.
I have to wonder tho' about her speaking for the whole group like that?
I still get the sense there is something very off about all of it. And "un-inviting" someone? That is not cool. Esp. when there are kids and the kids have been looking forward to it.
Why isn't she working on managing her stress better? THAT makes more sense.
I had a friend who started trying to boss me around and have me work around their many insecurities..it became completely unworkable and I haven't missed it once it really reached that point.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
What did you do "wrong" last year???? This just doesn't make sense.
Well, I have to say that she does remind me of a friend of mine... she is SO nervous all the time and things like organizing a trip or having a group stay at her house for the weekend just sends her into a frenzy of stress -- very little of which is warranted. She's just one of those people who continually makes a 'mountain out of a molehill' -- know what I mean?
Whatever the real reason is, she doesn't sound like someone I'd want to lean on for support or get too close to by sharing intimate details of my life. What she did is just plain rude. Yuck!
Well, I have to say that she does remind me of a friend of mine... she is SO nervous all the time and things like organizing a trip or having a group stay at her house for the weekend just sends her into a frenzy of stress -- very little of which is warranted. She's just one of those people who continually makes a 'mountain out of a molehill' -- know what I mean?
Whatever the real reason is, she doesn't sound like someone I'd want to lean on for support or get too close to by sharing intimate details of my life. What she did is just plain rude. Yuck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Maybe it is what it is. Maybe it's not about you and your kids. Maybe she really was overwhelmed, and maybe she was being honest, doing what she had to do for her own personal health, and was just clumsy in delivering the news.
Maybe she was overwhelmed last year, was not brave enough to not invite you this year because she didn't want to hurt your feelings, invited you anyway then realized she couldn't handle it.
Maybe. Maybe not.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Maybe she was overwhelmed last year, was not brave enough to not invite you this year because she didn't want to hurt your feelings, invited you anyway then realized she couldn't handle it.
Maybe. Maybe not.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I lost my keys in the grass and she felt compelled to ride with me to some of the hikes rather than with her husband, and her favorite thing is riding withher husband and children. so she has been mad at me for a year over something I didn't ask her to do.
I think cyranoak's explanation is the generous one and describes her feelings about it, but it feels really crappy to me coming from someone who calls me her "best friend."
It just feels like when the chips are down and she starts shucking "obligations", I was the first to go. Which is her prerogative, but she's naive to think that the friendship will go on as it was.
I think cyranoak's explanation is the generous one and describes her feelings about it, but it feels really crappy to me coming from someone who calls me her "best friend."
It just feels like when the chips are down and she starts shucking "obligations", I was the first to go. Which is her prerogative, but she's naive to think that the friendship will go on as it was.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
It hurts to lose a friendship.
I think it is codependent of her to worry about all of you as if you weren't an adult.
But perhaps its time to remove this person from your life... and maybe, start thinking of some other plan you can carry out without them...? I remember how much fun you had, I too would feel hurt. HUGS!!
I think it is codependent of her to worry about all of you as if you weren't an adult.
But perhaps its time to remove this person from your life... and maybe, start thinking of some other plan you can carry out without them...? I remember how much fun you had, I too would feel hurt. HUGS!!
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
She reminds me of someone I used to know. Very controlling and manipulative, probably borderline personality disorder if not narcissistic (my own diagnosis of her, thank you very much).
That is a very toxic person. What she is saying just does not make sense in the real world where we all stand with both feet. There's something else on her mind or in her plan, but it's really too much of a brain-twist to figure it out.
I know it hurts. I still shake my head about my 'friend' from years ago. I wasn't smart enough to cut my losses early on, and let her hurt me even worse as time went on.
This person is not a friend to you. Friends would laugh about lost keys on old trips and look forward to new adventures with you and your family on the next trip. Friends would BEG you to go with them. Friends wouldn't let anything stand in the way of your having fun together.
Find those kinds of friends. It's worth it.
That is a very toxic person. What she is saying just does not make sense in the real world where we all stand with both feet. There's something else on her mind or in her plan, but it's really too much of a brain-twist to figure it out.
I know it hurts. I still shake my head about my 'friend' from years ago. I wasn't smart enough to cut my losses early on, and let her hurt me even worse as time went on.
This person is not a friend to you. Friends would laugh about lost keys on old trips and look forward to new adventures with you and your family on the next trip. Friends would BEG you to go with them. Friends wouldn't let anything stand in the way of your having fun together.
Find those kinds of friends. It's worth it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I know, skipper. If I were going on a group trip, the more of my friends were there, the better time I would have, wouldn't I? Good friends? that I enjoyed? Wouldn't they enhance my trip?
the keys were found and I don't see how they ruined her good time. Whatever.
It was a life-altering trip for me last year - when I really needed to be refreshed, so I am trying to see it as a stand-alone event. that's how I am dealing with my disappointment with the trip.
My disappointment with her? whole different story.
the keys were found and I don't see how they ruined her good time. Whatever.
It was a life-altering trip for me last year - when I really needed to be refreshed, so I am trying to see it as a stand-alone event. that's how I am dealing with my disappointment with the trip.
My disappointment with her? whole different story.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
People are weird.
I had similar experiences following the break ups with both my long term ex boyfriends. People chose them over me for social and financial reasons. It hurt. Ironically, some of those same people have sought me out this past year to be friends again. They tell me how much they miss me and want to see me. I am still a little wounded, so not making effort from my end at this time.
With time I see that it has little to nothing to do with me and everything to do with the priorities of the folks who chose that.
Your friend is bothered for whatever reason by you and your kids on her trip. Who knows why? Worried that divorce is contagious? Jealous that her husband might have a crush on you? Those are her problems, not yours. It doesn't have to make sense to you or us or be logical. It simply is what it is. That is where she is at this moment in time. No one is perfect, including her, especially in this case.
When I have been in your shoes, I worried a lot about the whys? and how to fix things. It truly got me nowhere. The best things I did for me are to accept what the situation is right now, not where is was or where it could/will be. With what is happening today, what do you want in your life?
For me, I would and have chosen to let folks go (I do not make effort to stay in contact) who are not positive for me/bringing me up/supporting me/healthy for me. Others do not have to take care of me, but if they cause me pain/bring me down/burst my bubble/make me uncomfortable, I can CHOOSE to think fondly of them AND keep them at a distance.
I had similar experiences following the break ups with both my long term ex boyfriends. People chose them over me for social and financial reasons. It hurt. Ironically, some of those same people have sought me out this past year to be friends again. They tell me how much they miss me and want to see me. I am still a little wounded, so not making effort from my end at this time.
With time I see that it has little to nothing to do with me and everything to do with the priorities of the folks who chose that.
Your friend is bothered for whatever reason by you and your kids on her trip. Who knows why? Worried that divorce is contagious? Jealous that her husband might have a crush on you? Those are her problems, not yours. It doesn't have to make sense to you or us or be logical. It simply is what it is. That is where she is at this moment in time. No one is perfect, including her, especially in this case.
When I have been in your shoes, I worried a lot about the whys? and how to fix things. It truly got me nowhere. The best things I did for me are to accept what the situation is right now, not where is was or where it could/will be. With what is happening today, what do you want in your life?
For me, I would and have chosen to let folks go (I do not make effort to stay in contact) who are not positive for me/bringing me up/supporting me/healthy for me. Others do not have to take care of me, but if they cause me pain/bring me down/burst my bubble/make me uncomfortable, I can CHOOSE to think fondly of them AND keep them at a distance.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
IMO I think the whole issue has to do with boundaries and how we treat our friends and spouses.
Who knows if it is really your friend that didn't want you along or maybe her husband.
Maybe your friend is having trouble balancing your friendship with her marriage but it is certainly IMO not an excuse for her to treat you they way she did.
IMO you are right to not feel friendship is same, maybe consider letting your friend know how you feel and come to a better understanding of how she views your friendship.
Who knows if it is really your friend that didn't want you along or maybe her husband.
Maybe your friend is having trouble balancing your friendship with her marriage but it is certainly IMO not an excuse for her to treat you they way she did.
IMO you are right to not feel friendship is same, maybe consider letting your friend know how you feel and come to a better understanding of how she views your friendship.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm sorry. In many ways, losing a friend hurts worse than losing a romantic relationship. 
I will tell you that my divorce did weird things with my friendships. One friend, who had herself been through a marriage to an alcoholic, has cried with me and laughed with me (as only people who have been through it can laugh at it), and checked in with me regularly without trying to "over-help." Another friend decided (I think) that I was clearly going to be too high-maintenance for her to be bothered with (we hung out every week; post-divorce, she answers my texts but is always "too busy right now"...).
I lost some friends. But I also gained some new ones, in places I was not expecting them. And unfortunately -- or fortunately, depending how you look at it -- that seems to happen any time you go through a major life change.
I try not to go back and wonder if the friends that dumped me were never my friends in the first place -- I try to think of it as being their choice and not one that I should concern myself with.
I will tell you that my divorce did weird things with my friendships. One friend, who had herself been through a marriage to an alcoholic, has cried with me and laughed with me (as only people who have been through it can laugh at it), and checked in with me regularly without trying to "over-help." Another friend decided (I think) that I was clearly going to be too high-maintenance for her to be bothered with (we hung out every week; post-divorce, she answers my texts but is always "too busy right now"...).
I lost some friends. But I also gained some new ones, in places I was not expecting them. And unfortunately -- or fortunately, depending how you look at it -- that seems to happen any time you go through a major life change.
I try not to go back and wonder if the friends that dumped me were never my friends in the first place -- I try to think of it as being their choice and not one that I should concern myself with.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
While I'd rather learn a friend's true loyalties before I need them to just be present when difficulties strike, I've come to accept that I'll lose some, and grow even closer to others.
It's still sad to see ones you thought you could trust fall to the wayside, but it's nothing you did.
It's still sad to see ones you thought you could trust fall to the wayside, but it's nothing you did.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I think she could have been more clear on reasons or whatever
at the same time -
I know I had a hell of a time learning to set boundaries.
And sometimes I set out razor wire
when a simple picket fence would do.
YOu know what I mean?
I haven't gotten the hang
of finding the 'right' amount of boundary.
I agree
that borrowing the equipment
and continuing to have a camping week
with your kids
is a great idea
andcan be a very bonding and important part
of your time with your kids.
When 'we' start filling in the unknown
is where we get into trouble.
If you need more explanation
then simply ask for it.
If it's not a big thing
and you just want to know
so you don't cross that again
then it's that simple.
at the same time -
I know I had a hell of a time learning to set boundaries.
And sometimes I set out razor wire
when a simple picket fence would do.
YOu know what I mean?
I haven't gotten the hang
of finding the 'right' amount of boundary.
I agree
that borrowing the equipment
and continuing to have a camping week
with your kids
is a great idea
andcan be a very bonding and important part
of your time with your kids.
When 'we' start filling in the unknown
is where we get into trouble.
If you need more explanation
then simply ask for it.
If it's not a big thing
and you just want to know
so you don't cross that again
then it's that simple.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
