whereisthisgoin

So that's weird.

First time in months.

2010 was a wild rollercoaster year for us with December being the craziest part of the ride. He's finally seeing a counselor that I think is helping him.

But even though he's sober (and I do love when he is sober), I still don't want to sit with him or talk to him and ask him about his day.

He keeps making comments at me like, "I am doing everything you want me to do."

Reestablishing even a friendship goes against my grain right now. Further intimacy is not even on the radar.

This is nuts. We do have a son together so the fact that he's sober aroud our son is fantastic. I'll take that any day of the week.

Did you A ever quit for a bit and expect you to be all sunshine and flowers? Were you able to do it? How long did it last?

Verbena

Well, my AH did a serious cut back. Nice while it lasted for about 3 weeks. But I learned that everything my AH says about his drinking is BS. An alcoholic can sometimes be straight and truthful about other aspects of his life but never about booze. Never about any issue related to booze.

StarCat

My ABF "quit" drinking for the first 2 years in our relationship. I put quit in quotation marks because he was still having a shot every weekday in the morning on the way to work, but I never really saw him drink, so I didn't even know he had a drinking problem.

Once he started drinking, though, his record for not drinking was 17 days. It was usually in response to me pushing him to stop drinking, or him trying to reconcile for a fight we had had (even though he always blamed the fights on me). All throughout he would make comments, "Are you happy I'm not drinking anymore?" "I'm quitting drinking because it's distracting me from being with you." "You asked me to stop so I'm stopping."
Then it turned into "You need to help me stop, you need to remind me more when I start to drink, you have a lot of influence over me, you need to take a more proactive role in this relationship to help me."
I would remind him that I could remind him about not drinking, but the decision on whether or not to drink was his decision and his responsibility. He agreed with me, but always blamed his drinking on me anyway, once he was drunk (or the next day when he was more sober).


Not once did he ever quit for himself and his own sake, it was always "for me," and as soon as he found an excuse to drink again (and the excuses kept getting smaller and smaller) he'd be back at it. Even when he went into inpatient rehab, he was always talking about how he was quitting "for me" - which is why I will not be surprised if there's a relapse. (And why I will have no contact with him, with the exception of returning his belongings once I have packed them up and removed them from the apartment.)

Until he quits for himself he won't have the conviction he needs to fight his urge to drink.

Thumper

Yes - sunshine, flowers, and be completely supportive, empathetic, understanding, forget the past, and enthusiastically and lovingly meet his every sexual need every day. You now - just feed me, pay my bills, adore me, screw me, and leave your issues and expectations at the door - please.

No

A week. He didn't move out then but I moved forward with the divorce, which I had put on hold when he was in rehab. He also started drinking again.

StarCat

You'd think, since they all expect that they're so different from "those AA people" they'd come up with at least mildly different behaviors/expectations.

LaTeeDa

Every time I threatened to leave. (Yeah, I did it multiple times. I'm a slow learner, lol.)

No. A few days/weeks of not drinking doesn't make up for years of drinking.

The longest time he quit was for four months. He was so resentful and angry about it by the end of that time, I was actually relieved when he started drinking again!

It's okay to be done. It's okay if you've had enough. It doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do, it matters what YOU want.

L

whereisthisgoin

So, after a binge-fest, how do you react to having to spend time with him? Sounds like you are great at detaching.

nodaybut2day

My XAH cut back or quit a few of things (booze, coke, sleeping pills, etc) throughout our relationship, everytime making grand promises but expecting the world in return for his "sacrifice". When he "fell off the wagon", it was always somehow my fault:

"You're not supportive enough."
"You don't appreciate me."
"You are giving me enough (insert sexual favour here)"

I eventually got sick of the rollercoaster ride I was supposedly responsible for.

Jazzman

Mel quit once for about a week, the second time she lasted a couple weeks. The third time she lasted several weeks. In every case she was white knuckling it so bad there was little or no room for anything else life had to offer her.

Cyranoak

"I am doing everything you want me to do."

And that's why it's temporary and can not last. When it turns into, "I am doing what I want me to do, and I don't want to drink anymore," then he will have a fighting chance at recovery.

Either way, and it's broken record time here, it actually does not matter that much. You are still focused on him and his recovery when you need to be focused on you and your recovery. Until you do that, in my opinion not much will change whether he is drinking or not.

Good luck and God bless.

Cyranoak

naive

whereisthisgoing-

i would pay attention to how YOU are feeling. as in even a friendship with him goes against the grain.

that's ok. you're allowed to feel what you feel!

perhaps too much water under the bridge.

whereisthisgoin

I appreciate this. The reason I'm focused is that we are having serious discussions on what to do with our marriage. During this time, he's attempting a pretty big behavior change. So I am paying attention to him - while at the same time, keeping in mind all I have learned and continue to learn here in SR (and with a counselor).

skippernlilg

Have you tried Al-anon? You may have said you are in Al-anon for a number of years, and I could've missed it. No coffee yet this morning.

My point is, the Al-anon group I attend deals with this all the time. I go to one particular Relationships meeting that is very helpful. I noticed a lot of the people in there are either living with an active alcoholic, a newly recovering one, or those folks who have been in recovery for a very long time. What a blessing it's been to me to see that some people can make it work and keep their serenity. Some people are just surviving. I have to say that their levels of acceptance are different than mine. But it's been very helpful to go to those meetings.

pixilation

Ah has gone 3 days now without a drink, not by choice, it's because he's completely broke and his place to write bad checks is gone because he had one returned by the bank finally.

I'm sure come payday he'll be stocked up again.

The longest he's gone without since he started drinking is 6 months. Last year when he kicked us out, and he swore up and down he'd get sober if we came back, he went 45 days.

whereisthisgoin

I have not been to Al-anon. I am going to look up the schedules right now. I have been putting it off but I do agree it would be really helpful for me no matter which way our marriage goes. Thanks.

barb dwyer

a face to face resource circle is a very powerful thing.

ToBeSerene

Whereisthisgoin - So glad you're oing to give it a try - try a couple to see what you think.

Without Alanon and some new friends ... I would not be as emotionally healthy as I am today - especially this week when I moved out of our bedroom and want a legal seperation (we cannot afford to live seperate right now). Meetings and literature are great for me. This SR community is great too - everyone is such a source of information, experience and support. Sharing without judgement. You guys ROCK!

whereisthisgoin

I am sleeping in the guestroom now too - I love that change.

I think we could work through a separation or divorce - it would be a hit to our lives as we know them but thankfully I do have work.

The toughest blow is losing half my time with my son and what that lifestyle of two homes would do to him. I know it's a balance of weighing out life like it is vs. life like it would be --

wicked

Um, why do you think you would lose half of your time with your son?
Try not to future trip. (I do it too, and have to bring myself back to now)
Have you talked to any attorneys yet?
Maybe some free consultations?
Just a suggestion, something to think about.

Beth

whereisthisgoin

You are right - I do need to keep an open mind. I am also trying to be realistic.

I have talked to friends that are attorneys -which isn't the as good as the real thing, but it IS cheaper! While I may get primary physical custody, if I'm going to go forward with a divorce, I have to be prepared to only get 50-50. My state is really making changes toward favoring the 50-50 deal.

My A is in contact with other dudes that have gone through divorces recently and changed his view from giving me primary to fighting me for 50-50, because it's cheaper from a child support viewpoint.

I just wish (magical thinking, I know) he'd get his act together so we could raise a teenager under one roof.