Crying...How do I pull it together for the kids??
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Crying...How do I pull it together for the kids??
I am not strong. I am falling apart. I am crying all over the place. My daughter thinks dad left because I was mean to him. I got a call from my oldest boy's schook yesterday because he refused to do his work and told them about his dad leaving and not being able to stop taking medicine. My middle child keeps talking about how his dad is getting help and coming back but he is not.
Their dad is homeless trying to getting high or trying to somewhere.
How do I pull it together? Crap, sorry.
Their dad is homeless trying to getting high or trying to somewhere.
How do I pull it together? Crap, sorry.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Sorry you are going through this. You certainly have my sympathy and so do your children.
You asked, how do I pull it together?
First of all stop the negative self-talk. It's totally counter productive. You are strong. You will pull through this.
Start with staying in the now. Make a plan. Figure out what action items need to take place. Write a list and start checking items off the list. What needs to be done at this moment so your life and your children's life doesn't fall apart?
Also, you may want to just say "Daddy has some personal issues to take care of. He'll call you when he can." Going into details is not really necessary at this time. Just say, "Your daddy loves you. It's not your fault he left. It's not my fault. He made a choice. We hope he gets help for his problems but in the meantime I'll take care of you. You have nothing to worry about. I love you and will always be here for you."
Do your kids have food? Are you able to cover housing for the next month? Have you contacted your family for emotional support? Do you need to call social services or anything? How about the dishes? Are they washed? (I always feel more in control when I am doing an activity instead of wasting time in inactivy worrying a future I have no control over.)
Those are the first things I'd do. The answers to all your questions will be revealed in time. Just go easy on yourself and your children and do the next WISE thing.
You asked, how do I pull it together?
First of all stop the negative self-talk. It's totally counter productive. You are strong. You will pull through this.
Start with staying in the now. Make a plan. Figure out what action items need to take place. Write a list and start checking items off the list. What needs to be done at this moment so your life and your children's life doesn't fall apart?
Also, you may want to just say "Daddy has some personal issues to take care of. He'll call you when he can." Going into details is not really necessary at this time. Just say, "Your daddy loves you. It's not your fault he left. It's not my fault. He made a choice. We hope he gets help for his problems but in the meantime I'll take care of you. You have nothing to worry about. I love you and will always be here for you."
Do your kids have food? Are you able to cover housing for the next month? Have you contacted your family for emotional support? Do you need to call social services or anything? How about the dishes? Are they washed? (I always feel more in control when I am doing an activity instead of wasting time in inactivy worrying a future I have no control over.)
Those are the first things I'd do. The answers to all your questions will be revealed in time. Just go easy on yourself and your children and do the next WISE thing.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
We have money. I provide. I was strong telling the kids not to worry, that they had me and everything was going to be exactly the same but there have been issues regardless.
I am having a hard time cleaning, working, and caring for 5 kids. It is not easy.
Meanwhile the drug addict used to be my husband keeps calling high wanting to come back when he sobers up saying he is going to go into treatment.
He has sold his jewelry and everything he had of value.
I am having a hard time cleaning, working, and caring for 5 kids. It is not easy.
Meanwhile the drug addict used to be my husband keeps calling high wanting to come back when he sobers up saying he is going to go into treatment.
He has sold his jewelry and everything he had of value.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
maybe you want to limit contact with him as the emotional drama is wiping you out?
He can choose treatment today if he wants to. He doesn't have to be on the street, he can contact salvation army. Maybe give him their phone number ONE time?
You asked him to leave so the madness would stop.
He can choose treatment today if he wants to. He doesn't have to be on the street, he can contact salvation army. Maybe give him their phone number ONE time?
You asked him to leave so the madness would stop.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Yes, he is causing more drama than anything. I was elated when he first left. I had been doing almost everything anyway in addition to supporting and taking care of him and his issues.
Contact with him has made my ability to recover much more difficult.
I am going to tell him if he calls again that I cannot talk to him anymore if he is not in a treatment program and living there.
I have to continue on with my life.
As I said before and I know you all know this; it is really tough.
Contact with him has made my ability to recover much more difficult.
I am going to tell him if he calls again that I cannot talk to him anymore if he is not in a treatment program and living there.
I have to continue on with my life.
As I said before and I know you all know this; it is really tough.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
One hour at a time, sweetie. LIke HK said, stay in the now and try not to 'awful-ize'.
Get some support from the school (!) by telling the counselors what is going on -- they have dealth with stuff like this a million times and may even be able to refer you to some social services if indicated.
Above all, breathe!... and stop taking AH's calls! There is nothing for you to discuss at this point.
((((Hugs))))
Get some support from the school (!) by telling the counselors what is going on -- they have dealth with stuff like this a million times and may even be able to refer you to some social services if indicated.
Above all, breathe!... and stop taking AH's calls! There is nothing for you to discuss at this point.
((((Hugs))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Well I made it through the day. The kids did not see me upset and everything was all good for them.
Unfortunately I used food for comfort and I actually feel a little sick from eating too much food. Other than that I did it. I did it for today.
I was honestly a little scared that my son told his school that he was acting out because his dad left because he took too much medicine.
It also really affected me that I discovered that my husband sold a gold chain that I gave to him that was passed onto me by my father.
I received two phone calls from my son's school yesterday and I found out about the chain today.
Plus my ah was calling me high telling me he was going to detox tomorrow which was really freaking hard to understand.
All of this combined made me feel like a basketcase today but I made it through and my kids are ok and so am I.
And so the saga continues.
Unfortunately I used food for comfort and I actually feel a little sick from eating too much food. Other than that I did it. I did it for today.
I was honestly a little scared that my son told his school that he was acting out because his dad left because he took too much medicine.
It also really affected me that I discovered that my husband sold a gold chain that I gave to him that was passed onto me by my father.
I received two phone calls from my son's school yesterday and I found out about the chain today.
Plus my ah was calling me high telling me he was going to detox tomorrow which was really freaking hard to understand.
All of this combined made me feel like a basketcase today but I made it through and my kids are ok and so am I.
And so the saga continues.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Originally Posted by beautifulgirl 
I am not strong. I am falling apart. I am crying all over the place. My daughter thinks dad left because I was mean to him. I got a call from my oldest boy's schook yesterday because he refused to do his work and told them about his dad leaving and not being able to stop taking medicine. My middle child keeps talking about how his dad is getting help and coming back but he is not.
Their dad is homeless trying to getting high or trying to somewhere.
How do I pull it together? Crap, sorry.
Their dad is homeless trying to getting high or trying to somewhere.
How do I pull it together? Crap, sorry.
Kids get confused because they try to make sense of their world in their terms. They don't understand any of the implications of having a dad who is addicted let alone why he is gone. Just acknowledge what they are thinking and feeling but what they are experiencing is normal and healthy. If they start acting out, then that is something to address but I would definately tell their teacher or school psychologist what has happened. Again, you don't have to go into too much detail. If they know that the kids are having a rough time at home, the teacher will understand them a bit better and be able to address their needs at school.
You are probably just emotionally drained and exhausted. You don't have to have all the answers or solutions right now. And your kids don't expect you to either. It may feel like that but they just want reassurance that they are safe and everything will be fine with dad not in the home.
The alternative, a dad who was troubled by his addiction, is far far worse for the kids to live through so you are already ahead in terms of helping them.
Are you in any type of counseling? or Nar-anon? Isolation is going to make whatever you are feeling worse
Remember that you need to take good care of yourself because you have other little folks needing a healthy and balanced mom. Take it ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
My 4th grade daughter struggles because, for all practical purposes, she is motherless because of alcoholism.
It's hard for her being abandoned for alcohol and after visits at her gmaws seeing her mom she comes home and acts out here and at school.
There are no secrets at home or at school. The school has a great counselor, and LMC (Little Miss Coyote) sees her in a group therapy session every Thursday. She loves having a group of her peers to share "war stories" with. Some of the kids are from divorced homes, some dads are MIA, some are in prison.
If you can go see the school counselor and be frank about what's going on at home, I think you'll be plesantly surprised at the help and understanding that will be offered to you and the kids.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
It's hard for her being abandoned for alcohol and after visits at her gmaws seeing her mom she comes home and acts out here and at school.
There are no secrets at home or at school. The school has a great counselor, and LMC (Little Miss Coyote) sees her in a group therapy session every Thursday. She loves having a group of her peers to share "war stories" with. Some of the kids are from divorced homes, some dads are MIA, some are in prison.
If you can go see the school counselor and be frank about what's going on at home, I think you'll be plesantly surprised at the help and understanding that will be offered to you and the kids.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
I'm the son of an (passed) addict. I'm probably a lot older than your kids, I'm 19, however, in my own experience, it's A LOT easier if you tell the kids what's going on, straight up. Leave your ears open to them and let them know that their father loves them very much, and let them know YOU love them very much because your support is dire (but I know you know that). It'll make it easier on the kids because if they really don't know what's happening, they're probably sitting in class wondering when their dad is going to be home and what is really going on, only creating more unpredictability and unstability in their lives that they don't need. When I was young going through all of this, I would get vague answers like "Daddy had to leave because he's very sick." Though that answer is great for say... a five year old to comprehend, telling your 9 year old who can comprehend a whole lot more, that answer is not sufficient and just leaves your kid wondering and feeling totally helpless. Please tell your kids what's going on. You don't necessarily have to be strong, you just have to be there for your kids, and I think you are, they just need a more specific reason or description of what's going on.
Just as others suggested, school may be a big help. My mom never told the school when I was young so... I don't have any experience on that, though I do know that counseling now has helped me greatly.
You're a good mom, I think you just need to give them a better explanation of what's going on if they're old enough to comprehend it. Let them ask questions, and if you don't know, tell them you don't have an answer but don't EVER give estimates on anything. It only will devastate them if he ends up disappointing. You can be their source of hope and love, he doesn't have to be.
Just as others suggested, school may be a big help. My mom never told the school when I was young so... I don't have any experience on that, though I do know that counseling now has helped me greatly.
You're a good mom, I think you just need to give them a better explanation of what's going on if they're old enough to comprehend it. Let them ask questions, and if you don't know, tell them you don't have an answer but don't EVER give estimates on anything. It only will devastate them if he ends up disappointing. You can be their source of hope and love, he doesn't have to be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Thank you all. I am feeling much better today.
It is like god answered me in my time of need.
I slept better than I have slept last night since I can remember.
My 4 yr old daughter slept through the whole night for the first night in a long time. Most nights previously she ran into my room like someone was chasing her scared multiple times a night. I was really worried and she would tell me she was scared but she did not know why. This morning when we got up I had already thought about how she slept through the night. I never expected that she would come to me and say with a big smile, "Mom, I slept through the whole night because dad is gone!" I told her I knew and I was so happy that she slept all night long. Her dad did not spank her but she obviously had some fear because she told me after that she could not sleep with dad here because he was afraid he was going to spank her.
My other kids are all very happy this morning.
Today I think our whole family is feeling a sense of freedom and security. Our family being the kids and I. My kids know I love them, am here for them, and as long as they are loved and cared for they are all good.
This morning I received a phone call from the detox center. My husband checked in there this morning and I am able to pick up his car and cell phone if I want it because he is not allowed to have his phone or car keys.
That's all for now and we I am off to take my daughter to dance class.
Thank you all. I am sure I will continue to need to support. I am really glad you all are here just to let it out. The other posts really help me very much.
It is like god answered me in my time of need.
I slept better than I have slept last night since I can remember.
My 4 yr old daughter slept through the whole night for the first night in a long time. Most nights previously she ran into my room like someone was chasing her scared multiple times a night. I was really worried and she would tell me she was scared but she did not know why. This morning when we got up I had already thought about how she slept through the night. I never expected that she would come to me and say with a big smile, "Mom, I slept through the whole night because dad is gone!" I told her I knew and I was so happy that she slept all night long. Her dad did not spank her but she obviously had some fear because she told me after that she could not sleep with dad here because he was afraid he was going to spank her.
My other kids are all very happy this morning.
Today I think our whole family is feeling a sense of freedom and security. Our family being the kids and I. My kids know I love them, am here for them, and as long as they are loved and cared for they are all good.
This morning I received a phone call from the detox center. My husband checked in there this morning and I am able to pick up his car and cell phone if I want it because he is not allowed to have his phone or car keys.
That's all for now and we I am off to take my daughter to dance class.
Thank you all. I am sure I will continue to need to support. I am really glad you all are here just to let it out. The other posts really help me very much.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Bless her heart! I wonder what that's all about?
I'm so happy to hear that they woke up cheerful this morning. Maybe like (((SpeedyJason))) said, if you keep the communication lines open and honest they will be OK. [You should read Jason's story some day-- he's so brave and so good]
Good news on the AH-- it's a beginning.
I'm so happy to hear that they woke up cheerful this morning. Maybe like (((SpeedyJason))) said, if you keep the communication lines open and honest they will be OK. [You should read Jason's story some day-- he's so brave and so good]
Good news on the AH-- it's a beginning.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Yeah, today was a day.
It was all ok until I laid my 2 yr old down for bed. It was then that I started crying and pitying myself. Then I had a thought that my mom used to say to me after I had my first when I would complain. She used to say, "Millions of mom's do it". Yep, good ole mom.
I put everyone to bed. I can put on a happy face but I am sad. I am really sad. I love my husband and what about me? What about me? Why me?
I love my children and I feel blessed to have all of them but it is reallly really hard to be all alone, take care of 5 kids, and make everything fun for all of them. I am trying. I am taking them to the fair tomorrow. I will have to figure out how to get my 2, 4, and 5 yr old on their rides and my 8 and 9 yr olds on their rides.
It was all ok until I laid my 2 yr old down for bed. It was then that I started crying and pitying myself. Then I had a thought that my mom used to say to me after I had my first when I would complain. She used to say, "Millions of mom's do it". Yep, good ole mom.
I put everyone to bed. I can put on a happy face but I am sad. I am really sad. I love my husband and what about me? What about me? Why me?
I love my children and I feel blessed to have all of them but it is reallly really hard to be all alone, take care of 5 kids, and make everything fun for all of them. I am trying. I am taking them to the fair tomorrow. I will have to figure out how to get my 2, 4, and 5 yr old on their rides and my 8 and 9 yr olds on their rides.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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Get some support from the school (!) by telling the counselors what is going on -- they have dealth with stuff like this a million times and may even be able to refer you to some social services if indicated.
Once I told counselor and teachers the truth they spent a few more minutes with him each class, gave a little extra time. There already been a huge difference at school and home. This isnt new to the schools. Little you tell them with surprise them, they are trained to deal with it.
Hang in there... Mine are 6, 9 and 13
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Charlotte NC
Posts: 37
God is so good!
I really believe it takes letting go to Him. Actually saying it out loud "God I am giving this to you because I can't carry it any more".
It's so hard to have that kind of faith all the time. It's what I'm working on for myself.
In church last week the preacher talked about how we all bring our baggage to church, lay it on the alter and then somehow pick it back up before we leave the service ~ so true for me.
I love reading in the book of James- about faith without works. It's just so logical to me. I'm working on having faith with works. Almost like God will do his part but we have to do our part also.
I'm so glad you had a good day!
What an awesome mom you are! Your kids are very blessed.
Keep the faith!
Roo
I really believe it takes letting go to Him. Actually saying it out loud "God I am giving this to you because I can't carry it any more".
It's so hard to have that kind of faith all the time. It's what I'm working on for myself.
In church last week the preacher talked about how we all bring our baggage to church, lay it on the alter and then somehow pick it back up before we leave the service ~ so true for me.
I love reading in the book of James- about faith without works. It's just so logical to me. I'm working on having faith with works. Almost like God will do his part but we have to do our part also.
I'm so glad you had a good day!
What an awesome mom you are! Your kids are very blessed.
Keep the faith!
Roo
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
bg
You have a lot on your plate with 5 kids. Dealing with an addict WITHOUT five kids is difficult so just the fact that you are breathing and making it through one day at a time is HUGE!
But there's a "you" in there too. Sometimes we get so wound up taking care of everybody else and we get whatever little bit of energy we have left over for ourselves. And it's not much.....if any.
Self care is important. And asking for help is not a sign of weakness--it is a show of strength. I hope you have some support through friends or family. You do have support here on SR but I hope that you have some f2f support as well.
This situation could easily feel overwhelming for anyone but it sounds like you are doing a remarkable job of keeping yourself together. Crying is a release of the pressure that builds up inside of us.......better out than in.
gentle hugs
You have a lot on your plate with 5 kids. Dealing with an addict WITHOUT five kids is difficult so just the fact that you are breathing and making it through one day at a time is HUGE!
But there's a "you" in there too. Sometimes we get so wound up taking care of everybody else and we get whatever little bit of energy we have left over for ourselves. And it's not much.....if any.
Self care is important. And asking for help is not a sign of weakness--it is a show of strength. I hope you have some support through friends or family. You do have support here on SR but I hope that you have some f2f support as well.
This situation could easily feel overwhelming for anyone but it sounds like you are doing a remarkable job of keeping yourself together. Crying is a release of the pressure that builds up inside of us.......better out than in.
gentle hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Thank you everyone. I am again filled with goodness today. I took my kids to the dollar store and let them have at it. They filled our cart with whatever they wanted until I said that's it. Then we went to the grocery store and I shopped until they said that's it, lol.
We came home and ate a nice dinner. Then my kids enjoyed all of their toys that they bought from the dollar store.
There was no school today which freed up the day for all of us.
So, there are the very bad days and then there are the very good days.
Am I allowed to say thank god on here? Sorry if not, but thank god.
We came home and ate a nice dinner. Then my kids enjoyed all of their toys that they bought from the dollar store.
There was no school today which freed up the day for all of us.
So, there are the very bad days and then there are the very good days.
Am I allowed to say thank god on here? Sorry if not, but thank god.
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