Buffalo66

I have a huge art show tonight in my city. It is a big deal, ive been working on it for 6 months.
The person I am having the show with is my old bandmate, 20 year friend and 20 years ago ex boyfriend. We have been close, I stood up at his wedding. I am close with him and his wife.

A is trying to sabotage at every turn. It has become extreme.
He is jealous of the attention, has agressively accused me for 10 days of having an affair aith my old friend, who he knows well.

Everyday has been a living heck.

He went to a last psych appointment, was prescribed a mild mood stabilizer, and now refuses to take "that stuff".

He is stressed over work, is delusionally accusing me of other thigs, too. Everyday he says I am abusing him, when we have a disagreement. If I argue back, I am an assaulting abusive person.

HE is sober, but strugglng. I want to hug him, help him, console him. I feel like he is a child with no tools to function in the real world. I feel like I am failing, and being gaslighted and abused at the same time.

I am short, curt. I try to renew and be loving. We have been able to civally discuss him moving out, then things get blurred by some projection or delusion.
I am not crazy, here. But I feel like I am.

I worry about him moving out and having worse psych issues. He is hididng all the mess from his family, with me being, really the only one who sees the darkest stuff. They think he is doing great, and that I am just fighting him at every turn.

Nobody knows about the thing where he thinks I am seeing my old friend romantically.
After years of infidelity on his part, it is just too much to even address his fears with compassion. I was NEVER unfaithful or even dishonest with him, and the way he feels is something I experienced for years except there really were all those lies and things going on.

Can they be this projecting? Can it be this insane?

I know we have to be over, now. I am both sad that he refuses to come to the show, and relieved that I wont have to deal with the controlling, unstable energy he would throw around...as I "***** myself out to sell art.."

Just need to vent, just need to say something somewhere where people understand.
He says he will probably relapse tonight while I am shmoozing across town.

I just need to get through the next two nights. I have to be "on". Its my night, I worked hard. Silly me for thinking I may have finally been able to count on my partner to be by my side, supporting me..

I feel like I am going to explode from the stress and pressure.
Thanks for listening

chicory

Wow, this is a tough one buffalo. it is hard to know if he is really going too deep in his delusions or if he is manipulating. it sounds like manipulation when he says he will probably relapse tonight.
it sounds like he is not liking the feeling of lost control. he probably controlled more when he was drinking and when he had you at home, worrying about his actions.
if you dont think he is dangerous, you probably would go on with your life, your plans, what you have worked for.
just be safe, and maybe give someone you trust a heads up if you think he may show up, or if you think he will retaliate in some way. but, if you have been around this person, and your a hasnt done anything so far, it seems he may be trying to keep you from having life plans that do not include him.

i am so sorry that it is this way for you right now. meds sometimes mess with our heads before we get the right mix that actually helps. he needs to talk with professionals, maybe?

sorry if my post is not actually helpful, but i mean well. just sending support and letting you know that i feel for you in this situation.
stay safe.
hugs
chicory

skippernlilg

Congratulations on a wonderful art show coming up. What a great achievement for you.

That's how it's supposed to be.

Now, onto the darker stuff. Put it aside for today. If you can. You can get through the next 12 hours. If it's not 'all about him', he's uncomfortable. You cannot fix the way he feels.

Let yourself have this moment in the sun. It's ok to do this. It really is.

stella27

I say this with great sincerity and I ask it of myself often:

Can you let him be him and you be you?

YOU:
having an art show with a close friend.
Big night.
Success.
Fun.
Accomplishment.

HIM:
choosing not to take mood stabilizer
choosing when he will relapse (while you are out having fun)
accusing
punishing
harassing
insulting

You are responsible for your work and your day. He is responsible for his.
I recommend distancing yourself from him - not to be unkind or unsupportive, but because You have obligations (being at your opening).

Do be aware of possible security issues, though. Tell your male friend what's going on and have someone keep an eye on the door. And could you stay somewhere else tonight? He is likely angry because he isn't able to manipulate you like he once was. Behavior often escalates in tehse situations. Please be careful.

Thumper

Yes.

For today, breath. Slowly. Congratulations on the art show!!

Remind yourself of the three C's.

You did not cause his alcoholism (or his delusions, projections, manipulations, state of mind).
You can not cure him of his alcoholism (or his delusions, projections, manipluations, state of mind).
You can not control his alcoholism (or his delusions, projections, manipulations, state of mind).

For today focus on your art show.

There are many different ways you could handle the day today. None of your options, nothing you do, is going to make one bit of difference in how he behaves or responds to his situation. Nothing you do, or do not do, will change anything for him. That is what makes the situation insane. Trying to figure it out will make you insane.

My suggestion is to take a deep breath, close your eyes, and focus your mind on what you can do today, to get the most out of this art show. Do you want a relaxed frame of mind at the art show? What can you do to make that happen?

I know it is hard and I'm sorry you have so much stress in your world on a day that should be filled with celebration.

SoloMio

I feel bad that your big night is eclipsed by the craziness from someone who should be your biggest support. But I can relate--especially to the accusations about infidelity. It is MOST DEFINITELY projection. Like you, I have never in 34 years of marriage been unfaithful by anyone's definition (while he has been unfaithful more than once), but somehow, I get accused all the time of wanting to leave him and marry so-and-so. One time I spent an absolutely horrendous transcontinental flight in the airplane bathroom because I had a very bad reaction to oysters in San Francisco right before I left for the airport. It was so bad I literally had to walk off the plane with one of the blankets they give you wrapped around my waist (hate to get that graphic, but trying to make a point).

When he started accusing me of partying in San Francisco and "coming home to him in a blanket--imagine, MY WIFE parties all night and comes home in a BLANKET!" I thought he was kidding--but he wasn't! He held that ridiculous fabrication over my head for a long time.

So, really, try to shut it all off and just realize that he is acting and speaking irrationally and try to find some people who will give you the support you need to make this the wonderful experience it should be.

Congratulations!

Freedom1990

He's not a child with no tools to function in the real world.

He's a grown man who has been through rehab (unless I am remembering incorrectly), and has tools he refuses to use.

He's even refusing to take his psych meds now.

I had to move far away from my abusive EXAH in order to maintain my own recovery.

That move turned out to be a blessing in more ways than one, including putting considerable distance between myself and other family members who still to this day don't have their own recovery.

I didn't need pity. I didn't need to be viewed as a child with no tools to function in the real world.

I was the 28-year-old mother of an 8-year old daughter when I got out of rehab, and it was sink or swim for me.

I was surrounded by a wonderful support group of others in recovery who knew what I needed, and what I didn't need.

I've also been through the sabotage thing over the years, twice as a matter of fact when I was trying to complete a college degree. Twice I put it on the back burner, first after a crisis with the oldest, and then a crisis with the youngest daughter.

This last time when I enrolled, I vowed I would do whatever it took to finally finish, and no one else's dysfunctional world was going to sabotage it, including the ongoing issues both of my daughters struggle with in their worlds.

They are both adults, and I view them as such, regardless of the poor choices they may make.

TakingCharge999

Congratulations Buffalo!! thanks for inspiring me today, I am an artist that hasn't painted in years!! but lately I am getting more ideas and material.. perhaps I start again this weekend.

Thanks for the post about each one living in their own world, and as usual please have a working mobile phone so you can call 911 anytime you feel unsafe. Sad but he is an adult, after all we always get consequences and you sure deserve to enjoy your accomplishments!!

JenT1968

ooh BIG congratulations, that must be so exciting! do NOT let him ruin this for you, he wants to be a jerk- let him.

I've lost count of the number of things ex used to say about me that were entirely him: infidelity, judgemental opinions of other people (er, no honey, YOU think that, not me), shouting, fighting (erm what honey? have you met me?) bizzare behaviours. crazy stuff: I used to worry that he really believed this stuff, and would try and defend myself - always pointless. I don't know if he did beleive this (and somehow thought that I was an extension of him, incapable of independent thought and deed?) or was just throwing out stuff that would send me spinning.

doesn't matter either way, it wasn't true. have a great time!

StarCat

That's what my ABF was always doing to me, and now that you mention it, he did get upset whenever my thoughts differed from his ("Doesn't that upset you, too?" "Why aren't you as upset as I am?" "You're not telling me your thoughts on this, you do agree, right?"), not to mention if I told him I didn't want to do something that he wanted to do, so yes. I think he actually thought I was an extension of him, his own personal shadow.


Buffalo, this is your day. You have certainly earned it.
If he wants to ruin the day for himself by throwing a temper tantrum, that's his right, but it's your right to not get sucked into it. Enjoy your day, enjoy the time away from the craziness and with people who truly appreciate what you're capable of accomplishing, and don't feel guilty when you find yourself grinning from ear to ear.

TakingCharge999

Let us know how it went !!

JenT thanks for your post, I am so glad I realize this is true. But having had no sense of self-worth it was easy for him to make me believe whatever. I am so glad that is over, getting to know oneself is one of the best gifts I can ever give myself.

My black/white thinking got me caged into thinking I had only defects, not qualities! and I was smart enough to look for people that reinforced those bad opinions I had about myself. Now I like me more.

fly=finally loving yourself !

barb dwyer

((((((Buffalo))))))

THis hit me closer to home than you'd think!

I am an artist.
I have been published.

I have had shows.

ALthough at the time married to two different ... uh... calle them... XAH's

Each time
I began to get 'notoriety'
or downright fame

they did something ridiculous with their disease to ruin it.
Or to make my personal situation so humiliating that I wouldn't go further
or would cancel whatever I was going into.

Then- after-
I was constntly ridiculed and barraged for
'wasting my time on dreams'
'not contributing'
or whatever else horsesh*t they could could come up with.

NEVER AGAIN!!!

you will not win if you give an inch either direction.

If he doesn't take his meds and gets crazy -
call the cops and have him removed
or jailed for whatever threats he makes.

Have guards at the door if you think he'll disrupt the show.

Security guards can be very nice,
people will think they're protecting the art.

And they are - YOU are the art.

congratulations on your show!

you ... GO AHEAD... dont let him take your moment.

Anyone accuses you of 'doing' anything - just laugh at them
like it's an inside joke and move on to the next person.

Treat it like a joke.
Because in a sick sad way

it is.


The men who married me
did so because they thought they were going to be rich
because they were sure I was going to be famous.

And yet
they are the very reason I am not.

er..... YET.

Have fun- enjoy your night!