cb12

My dad was a functioning alcoholic who was set in his ways long before I came around. He was 16 when he began drinking and I came along about 14 years later...and yes, he's still drinking and I'm 23 now.

Sometimes, when I think about my childhood, I don't see anything wrong with it. Sometimes I begin to think that I'm just this messed up naturally. That this is just my personality. I don't remember anything traumatic about my childhood. I don't remember feeling like anything was missing or that my life was different from anyone else.

Rationally speaking, I think that this is just denial. I must say that it makes the recovery process that much harder. I lived with my dad until I was 17 and then he was asked to leave the home. After that point, is when I felt the most pain.

Sometimes I feel like my dad's alcohol abuse wasn't a problem, because I can't remember any different (even though I fit the ACA personality perfectly). It's not like I witnessed him sober for years and then all of a sudden he started drinking.

Does anyone else get this feeling?

Payne

I'm beginning to believe that one of the biggest problems when in this situation is the fear that you are "defective" as I put it to a friend this morning before you're post. While I believe it is necessary to own the problem in order to deal with it, these beliefs are not owning the problem to remove them, we make the problem our fault, yet still out of our control. "I am defective and I can try but inevitably there is nothing I can do." "My parents actions did not affect me that much, it's simply who I am." And as I can only speak from my experience where my parents were both and still are highly functional alcoholics I understand the feelings when your parents never were "normal." I know I spent a lot of years believing that my childhood was normal and that the problem was simply me. Maybe finally accepting that we aren't at fault is the first step to releasing their control.

wicked

Oh yes, I have had this feeling. I minimized any confusion or pain I felt as a child. We never spoke of the "problem".
But now, I realize I remember very little of my childhood. Of course certain violent events and scary stuff are remembered. But nothing fun.
I saw some pictures of my sister and I hunting for easter eggs at my paternal grandfathers house. We were lovely in our pastel dresses with poofy skirts, white shoes with fancy socks. and matching hats.
The memory I had was a panicky feeling of not finding all the eggs, my face is scrunched up with tension. My sister is leaning over with a look of determination that was way beyond her years. We were about 6 and 5.
Easter egg hunting is supposed to be fun yes? It was not. I wanted it to be over and go home.

I just got some ACA books from Amazon today. I hope to find some release from my childhood. Begin to trust people again, be relaxed and serene.

Beth

cb12

Thank you all for your replies. They were very helpful. I don't remember much of my childhood either. I have explained it before by comparing it to fight amnesia. I just don't remember it other than the important stuff. Bare with me as I still don't know how to do that cool quote thing you all do.

jds said, "To this day I trust pretty much no one...I'd love to be able to somehow get past it. To be honest I have no idea what 'normal' means when it comes to a family." Truth be told, me neither. My dad has broken my trust so many times... it's seems stupid now that I continued to trust him and get hurt every time, but I guess that's part of the dysfunction.

wicked said, "Begin to trust people again, be relaxed and serene." I have worked on this consciously since I realized how much my high anxiety level was hindering my life. And I want so badly to trust again, but it proves difficult every time. (I'm seeing a theme here...)

Payne said, "I know I spent a lot of years believing that my childhood was normal and that the problem was simply me. Maybe finally accepting that we aren't at fault is the first step to releasing their control." I just wanted to say thanks for posting this. It hit home.

From the beginning of this recovery business, I've wanted to be able to separate my ACA characteristic from my "real personality." What would I be like if I hadn't grown up with an alcoholic father? I know that "what if" questions won't get me very far, but I still want to know.

GingerM

cb, if all you ever knew was your dad as a drunk, then obviously you're going to consider that normal. And if it's normal, it must be right - right? Except not.

See, I grew up thinking those behaviors were normal that were exhibited in my household too. At 23 I was just starting to see that they not only weren't normal, but weren't healthy either.

If you can find some emotionally healthy families (maybe your friends' families, or other people you associate with) to go watch, you'll notice huge differences in how people relate to each other. The experience of watching healthy families is part of what can help you see how yours was different (ergo, not "normal").

I was around 27 when I could finally see a good hunk of what was severely unhealthy in my family. I'm now 44 and still finding new and unusual ways my family has of being unhealthy - the only difference between me at 23 and me at 44 is that now I can see it for what it is.

I hope you can find some healthy families to spend time with. It was a real eye-opener for me.

cb12

Ginger, as I read your post I was thinking about a friend of mine and her family. I spent a lot of time with her family during my high school and college years (as that was when life got flipped upside down for me) and I remember always feeling so much happier and comfortable there than I was at my own home. I was always so grateful to them when they'd invite me for dinner or outings because I got to relax.

The next time I'm around them I'll keep on the lookout for the differences (other than the immediate feeling of warmth). Thanks.

EveningRose

This is exactly how I feel. They routinely told me I was the problem, in fact, and it took moving out of state for 12 years, associating with normal people, and having an objective list of my accomplishments and proof I was good, my own experience raising children to understand I as a parent would NEVER in a million years say and do some of what was said and done to me, plus some EMDR therapy (which is used for PTSD), before I knew deep within that I was not the problem, and never was.

No, there was no outright physical abuse, my dad was not stumbling down drunk or passed out on the floor. He was a high-ranking military officer. We lived in nice houses and drove a nice car. We went to museums. We got good grades. But I can see many things clearly now for the insanity they were, and I've realized nothing I did ever would have been good enough, because HE was unhappy, and therefore he was going to find fault.

cb12

EveningRose, thanks for sharing. I have written in a journal for years now (since about 6th grade) and I have written extensively about my family, my dad, his alcoholism and its affects. I remember I was writing about childhood and wrote something along the lines of this:

When madre would read to us [my brothers and I] at night before bed my dad wasn't around. He would get home from work, maybe eat dinner with us and then fall asleep. As a child, I figured, well he must be tired- worked all day. He was absent and distant while I was growing up. So when I did see him, I tried really hard to have something to tell him that would make him proud. I was scared of him. I wanted every interaction with my dad to be perfect.

I don't remember ever being told outright that I was wrong or at fault somehow, but it must have happened-- why would I have tried so hard to be "perfect?" Even to this day, I try so hard to be perfect.

Payne

Ginger, just wanted to say your advice on finding healthy friends and family is a large key. I found a friend much like that and actually found myself in tears on Christmas as she invited me over because I'm "family" she let the tears go without asking, but I told her later that it was just a moment when I realized why people WANT to see there family, when I'm there I'm happy, content, and able to be me. With that friend and her family is one of the first times I have ever truly felt that. Normal is certainly a subjective term, so what's important is to not look for "normal" look for the things that make you happy, make you feel content and safe, places where you can screw up and the person next to you chuckles because they knew who you are and your issues are part of you and they love you anyways...in that way you find a way to trust and let people in and love. I think at the basis this is my biggest problem, maybe it is a shared trait?

GingerM

Payne, I agree. I had one family who "adopted" me. Most of them grew up and scattered, and the father died several years ago (from a "normal" illness, not alcohol or drug related). I still call the mom.

When I would go visit them, I was greeted like any other family members (a peck on the mouth), I was always warmly invited in, they always had a few minutes for me if I was just passing by. My sister and I both used to say "When I grow up, I want to be like them."

Before the father died, I wrote them both a letter expressing how much they influenced my life. To see modeled what a healthy family behaves like? It was like stepping into a different world.

I am now in a healthy marriage and still want to grow up to be like my "adoptive" parents. The mom is still a wonderful woman and one of the warmest, most accepting and encouraging people I've ever met. When I was very young (under 10), they both used to make me blush and feel uncomfortable because I wasn't used to getting any kind of positive attention. Now? Now I actively look at them and how they treated people and have decided I want to be like them.

My door is open to any friend who wants to come by - whether my house is clean or not. I will be as supportive as I can to any person I know who needs my support. I will offer encouragement, condolences and acceptance to anyone who seeks it from me. I will not be judgmental about how the person got into the situation they're in. I will, in rare cases, offer advice, but only when I think someone is about to make a major mistake - and that advice is always given with the caveat that the person's life is their own to run, my advice is from a place of caring, and I won't be offended if they don't take it.

cb and Payne, if you can try to watch how the people interact and see how different it is, you may find that you are equally capable of being the same way.

EveningRose

Very interesting, because I also figured my dad just fell asleep in front of the tv every night, and I thought he downed three rum and cokes every night because his back hurt. Now I'm wondering if it was that or if he was half-passing out on the couch.

Emotionally distant. I have to laugh. One event that stands out in my mind is when my high school jazz band did promo posters and put them up all over town, and we still had a very small audience (we were an extremely good band, and eager for a big audience.) When I came home disappointed, my dad's response was to inform me that I could have had one more but I didn't INVITE him. He knew about the concert. As a parent, I do not expect a formal invitation, and to this day, I don't know what it was he expected. In retrospect, he probably just didn't feel like going, was in a bad mood, and thought he'd put me in my place.

And your story does make me wonder if I was also trying to please him. For some reason (and I think the reason is things rise to the surface when we need to learn something from them), I've been remembering lately that I was avidly trying to read his college physics books when I was in...first grade. Hm. I think maybe that's what was going on. I knew even then what mattered to him.

cb12

EveningRose, there have a number of situations recently where my dad will blame me for things that he could have done himself.
For example: My maternal grandfather (who I was very close to) died on Thanksgiving (2009) and by that point in time, my parents were divorced, my dad had remarried. Long story short, my dad called me Thanksgiving morning and let it slip that my maternal grandfather had died. My father was not invited to my grandfather's funeral because it was a family only event and he was not part of my mom's family any more. The day after the funeral my dad called and let me have it. "How dare you not tell me about your grandfather's funeral? He was like a father to me for 20 years!" How could I forget: he called TWICE! to yell at me and to remind me to clean my room because we were putting the house on the market in a week or so. Really dad?

It took me a long time to stop feeling guilty for not telling him about my grandfather's funeral. I realized that he is a 52 year old man and that if he had really wanted to go to my grandfather's funeral he COULD have figured it out. Instead, he chose to make it my fault. It's not. Especially, since he knew that my grandfather had passed (he was the one who broke the news to me!!!) If he had REALLY wanted to go to the funeral, he could have figured it out. GUH!

Thank you all for your posts. They are truly helpful.

EveningRose

Mine has blamed me for things like his marriage problems and making him look bad to the neighbors, in the wake of him getting violent and having to have the police called.

I have been fortunate to never feel guilt over anything he's told me I should have done or not have done.