feeling resentful
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 23
feeling resentful
In general I don't like to sulk...when confronted with a challenge I prefer to work out a plan with a positive outcome when I can. But tonight I just feel fed up and resentful. I've been a member of Alanon for about 7 years, though I haven't attended any meetings in about 4 years.
The things that I already know that I need to do are begin meditating again (works wonders for me) and start hanging out with healthy people again. I think I came back to this board because I know this is where people will encourage me to do the healthy thing. But if youre up for a bit of a vent, I'll continue.
I actually have several issues I need to continue working one (certain things I've never really let go of from the past-painful things) but tonight I'm particularly feeling resentful of my husband. I already know this means that I need to start reflecting and changing something for me, but like I said I want to vent.....
I sacrificed so many things in an effort to support my husband. He has used one substance or another for 30 years, and got sober 6 years ago. He's in college now, just got two degrees and working on another. However, he visits family members every day, and none of them are sober. He has friends that he hangs out with who are not sober. He hasn't been to too many meetings in a few years either. Yes, I've suspected that he is not completely sober any more.
Past that, our relationship has such a painful history there are many hurdles to overcome still. 15 years and 5 children, 4 children living. The first 10 years with him n addiction until it was as bad as it could get. I thought 'recovery' was a miracle just because he'd made it there, but I didn't realize that all of these years later I would be in a relationship with a man who is like a difficult teenager a lot of the time.
So my built up resentments are ; him being so damn moody; at times inappropriate; denial; negativity; pouting; sporadic schedule; him telling me i don't do anything when i feel like i do 90% of everything that involves our household and children, including outside work and caring for disabled parents.
I just feel like I'm frickin tired of being around an addict/recovering addict. Sometimes now I wonder why I'm still here, but those of you with kids know the importance of working it out to the best of your ability. Sometimes I'm happy with where we are at as a family, and see how far we've come. The real problem with me at the moment I think is that I had a really hard year with several deaths in my family, stretching myself too thin, and I've let all of the people in close proximity to me drift away because i've been 'too stressed'. (my 1 close friend moved farther away a few years ago, and i'm close to my brother but he lives a couple hours away). got myself in a rut.
thanks for letting me vent, and i'm going to go read some of your posts now too. glad to b back on this board!
The things that I already know that I need to do are begin meditating again (works wonders for me) and start hanging out with healthy people again. I think I came back to this board because I know this is where people will encourage me to do the healthy thing. But if youre up for a bit of a vent, I'll continue.
I actually have several issues I need to continue working one (certain things I've never really let go of from the past-painful things) but tonight I'm particularly feeling resentful of my husband. I already know this means that I need to start reflecting and changing something for me, but like I said I want to vent.....
I sacrificed so many things in an effort to support my husband. He has used one substance or another for 30 years, and got sober 6 years ago. He's in college now, just got two degrees and working on another. However, he visits family members every day, and none of them are sober. He has friends that he hangs out with who are not sober. He hasn't been to too many meetings in a few years either. Yes, I've suspected that he is not completely sober any more.
Past that, our relationship has such a painful history there are many hurdles to overcome still. 15 years and 5 children, 4 children living. The first 10 years with him n addiction until it was as bad as it could get. I thought 'recovery' was a miracle just because he'd made it there, but I didn't realize that all of these years later I would be in a relationship with a man who is like a difficult teenager a lot of the time.
So my built up resentments are ; him being so damn moody; at times inappropriate; denial; negativity; pouting; sporadic schedule; him telling me i don't do anything when i feel like i do 90% of everything that involves our household and children, including outside work and caring for disabled parents.
I just feel like I'm frickin tired of being around an addict/recovering addict. Sometimes now I wonder why I'm still here, but those of you with kids know the importance of working it out to the best of your ability. Sometimes I'm happy with where we are at as a family, and see how far we've come. The real problem with me at the moment I think is that I had a really hard year with several deaths in my family, stretching myself too thin, and I've let all of the people in close proximity to me drift away because i've been 'too stressed'. (my 1 close friend moved farther away a few years ago, and i'm close to my brother but he lives a couple hours away). got myself in a rut.
thanks for letting me vent, and i'm going to go read some of your posts now too. glad to b back on this board!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
They say that holding resentments is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.
Resentments will eat you alive over time.
The antidote to resentments is forgiveness. That doesn't mean we excuse what has happened, nor do we allow it to happen again. It just means that we let go of the pain we attach to the event.
For me, I find it easier to let go of a resentment when I can change perspectives and see how sick the person I resent is. I can find compassion (which helps me to let go of the pain and forgive) when I acknowledge that anyone that nasty outside must really be in pain inside. It doesn't justify what they did, it just lets me see that I have no control over anyone else's behaviour or thoughts.
Our program suggests we pray for those we resent. That works for me because it gives the problem to God and lets me be free of the anger/sadness/fear/resentment.
Good luck. Hope you find something that works for you.
Hugs
Resentments will eat you alive over time.
The antidote to resentments is forgiveness. That doesn't mean we excuse what has happened, nor do we allow it to happen again. It just means that we let go of the pain we attach to the event.
For me, I find it easier to let go of a resentment when I can change perspectives and see how sick the person I resent is. I can find compassion (which helps me to let go of the pain and forgive) when I acknowledge that anyone that nasty outside must really be in pain inside. It doesn't justify what they did, it just lets me see that I have no control over anyone else's behaviour or thoughts.
Our program suggests we pray for those we resent. That works for me because it gives the problem to God and lets me be free of the anger/sadness/fear/resentment.
Good luck. Hope you find something that works for you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome back!
It feels good to vent sometimes......get the bad stuff out so there's room for the good stuff. And since you've been here before and have been to Alanon, you are already prepared to buckle down and do what you need to do.
I don't know about you....but resentment makes me feel icky. And I suspect it doesn't do a thing to anyone or anything I feel resentment toward. So my job is to remove my resentment in whatever way I need to do that. And sometimes.......I still feel it, I identify it, and it still bugs me. I think that just means that I need to work harder at resolving it within myself and be ok with that resolution.
Again, welcome back.....we're here to support you as you get your recovery feet under you again.
gentle hugs
It feels good to vent sometimes......get the bad stuff out so there's room for the good stuff. And since you've been here before and have been to Alanon, you are already prepared to buckle down and do what you need to do.
I don't know about you....but resentment makes me feel icky. And I suspect it doesn't do a thing to anyone or anything I feel resentment toward. So my job is to remove my resentment in whatever way I need to do that. And sometimes.......I still feel it, I identify it, and it still bugs me. I think that just means that I need to work harder at resolving it within myself and be ok with that resolution.
Again, welcome back.....we're here to support you as you get your recovery feet under you again.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I think I read here "work the program you wish he would work." I have recently found an Alanon meeting in my town which I really like. It is large so I hear alot of "new" wisdom. It is also a new part of town that I don't usually frequent so I don't know anybody. I "shared" more in that meeting yesterday than I have in years. The topic was how we get ourselves grounded again if we are out of sorts. I myself could benefit from more meditation. I did exercise yesterday....it was cold so I walked in the mall...(and I didn't stop to buy anything). I myself have a few resentments to forgive. Two friends lately have "assumed" things about me that were not true. I wanted to but didn't say to them "to assume is to make an ASS out of U and ME." I said it to myself.....chuckled a little....I feel for you still living with your A. I am 3 years divorced. Living in it is hard. I tried and did it until I was getting real unhealthy; angry, didn't trust him, hair falling out, couldn't sleep, no peace, resentful, lost 30 lbs., grinding my teeth.....and basically just so unhappy. I loved him but it wasn't worth it, it wasn't enough...he wanted to use. He was more immature than his 20 yr. old son. It was liked being "pecked to death".....the criticisms....negativity.....selfishness......insa nity.....I remember the walk I took when I surrendered to HP and said "I just can't do this anymore." I turned the A over to Him/Her. It is such a devastating disease. In your case I worry....like my AXH if they won't give up "using" friends, - that is a choice that isn't looking good. "You don't go to a barbershop if you don't want a haircut." Good luck taking care of you.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
i understand your resentment and the need to vent - the others are certainly right about resentment hurting you not the person you resent - i heard a sermon the other day that gave me a new perspective about forgiveness - i hope you don't mind if i offer it to you - the sermon was about breathing - it was quite in depth but the basic lesson was that we breath in God's forgiveness for us and breath out forgiveness for others - the lesson is not new but the perspective of relating it to breathing which we do constantly helped me keep it front and center- prayers for you in such a difficult situation
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
They say that holding resentments is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. - Well said and so true!
For the longest time, I did not even want to consider forgiving my exah. I didn't feel like he deserved a "free pass" from all he'd done to me and our daughters over the years...and I just didn't feel like he should be let off so easily. My anger and resentment was justified in my mind and validated over and over by his continuous active drug use.
But recently, I've come to realize the bitterness and anger were eating me alive...they were bitter pills I was swallowing daily...willingly. So I decided to let it go. I literally visualized a set of balloons in my hand...and I pictured myself walking over to a window, opening it up & releasing the balloons. Letting go of each thing one at a time... It helps...!!! And when I struggle, I go through the visualization process again and again...as often as I need. Because letting go and forgiving exah wasn't a free pass for him...but rather, a free pass for me to move on with my life and find joy and happiness.
I'm just beginning to feel happy again...and I cannot tell you how wonderful it feels to be free from all the repressive feelings of anger and resentment! Forgiveness is truly a gift you give yourself!!! I wish you the best!
For the longest time, I did not even want to consider forgiving my exah. I didn't feel like he deserved a "free pass" from all he'd done to me and our daughters over the years...and I just didn't feel like he should be let off so easily. My anger and resentment was justified in my mind and validated over and over by his continuous active drug use.
But recently, I've come to realize the bitterness and anger were eating me alive...they were bitter pills I was swallowing daily...willingly. So I decided to let it go. I literally visualized a set of balloons in my hand...and I pictured myself walking over to a window, opening it up & releasing the balloons. Letting go of each thing one at a time... It helps...!!! And when I struggle, I go through the visualization process again and again...as often as I need. Because letting go and forgiving exah wasn't a free pass for him...but rather, a free pass for me to move on with my life and find joy and happiness.
I'm just beginning to feel happy again...and I cannot tell you how wonderful it feels to be free from all the repressive feelings of anger and resentment! Forgiveness is truly a gift you give yourself!!! I wish you the best!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Growing up, I never experienced the family meal thing. Sometimes my sister and I ate with our mom and sometime we ate with our dad and most of the time, everyone went into their own corner. It was fight or silence.
Years later, when my parents finally went their separate ways, I asked my mom why she chose to remain so darn long in what was clearly a miserable marriage, for her. She said she did it for my sister and me.
I thought then as I do now, that it really had nothing to do with doing the best for us. Staying in a miserable marriage with no trust or respect was really nothing more than a bad habit. The kids were the rationalization.
Years later, when my parents finally went their separate ways, I asked my mom why she chose to remain so darn long in what was clearly a miserable marriage, for her. She said she did it for my sister and me.
I thought then as I do now, that it really had nothing to do with doing the best for us. Staying in a miserable marriage with no trust or respect was really nothing more than a bad habit. The kids were the rationalization.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 23
I really like the thoughts from above comments:
"work the program you wish he would" and
"breathing in forgiveness for ourselves, and breathing out forgiveness for others". (which i tested out directly after reading, and it did feel good
I am still mulling all of this over and still feeling conflicted. I don't really know where I end and he begins/ or vice versa, and the same with our children. We both came from very hard childhoods, and have 'grown up together' in our adult years. He became the addict and I the codee and repeated patterns our parents and possibly theirs did. the difference in my eyes is that we were the first in both lines of families to face addiction and try to take it on in order to change it. I look at his family, and at mine, after all of these years and I feel certain this much is true. Not only by my own work, but by his too.
The lasting bad behavior, bad habits...it's exhausting sometimes. It is not always this way in our days, some days we laugh a lot and get much accomplished. But the bad behavior always creeps back in too.
The two things I kept thinking about today:
1. Much of my self-identity is tied to addiction even though I am not an addict. I was born into a family with addiction issues, and then married someone with addiction issues. Sometimes I overreact to things I could have handled differently because it seems that this One thing has been happening in my life since I was born and I'm Sick of It!
2. Is it possible that having lived my entire life being close to addiction-related people has created an equal amount of interpersonal problems/issues for me that a drug addict has? I am close to several people who are not addicts and were not raised in addicted families. However, my nuclear family has always included addicts. You know, I love a lot of these people, however there has been some serious trauma over the history of years. I guess sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to live without addict issues (and if that's even possible for me because I Come from addict issues even though I'm not an addict), but on the other hand I feel like it's important for my family (me, husband, kids) to continue to keep trying to get better and stay connected in this effort.
"work the program you wish he would" and
"breathing in forgiveness for ourselves, and breathing out forgiveness for others". (which i tested out directly after reading, and it did feel good
I am still mulling all of this over and still feeling conflicted. I don't really know where I end and he begins/ or vice versa, and the same with our children. We both came from very hard childhoods, and have 'grown up together' in our adult years. He became the addict and I the codee and repeated patterns our parents and possibly theirs did. the difference in my eyes is that we were the first in both lines of families to face addiction and try to take it on in order to change it. I look at his family, and at mine, after all of these years and I feel certain this much is true. Not only by my own work, but by his too.
The lasting bad behavior, bad habits...it's exhausting sometimes. It is not always this way in our days, some days we laugh a lot and get much accomplished. But the bad behavior always creeps back in too.
The two things I kept thinking about today:
1. Much of my self-identity is tied to addiction even though I am not an addict. I was born into a family with addiction issues, and then married someone with addiction issues. Sometimes I overreact to things I could have handled differently because it seems that this One thing has been happening in my life since I was born and I'm Sick of It!
2. Is it possible that having lived my entire life being close to addiction-related people has created an equal amount of interpersonal problems/issues for me that a drug addict has? I am close to several people who are not addicts and were not raised in addicted families. However, my nuclear family has always included addicts. You know, I love a lot of these people, however there has been some serious trauma over the history of years. I guess sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to live without addict issues (and if that's even possible for me because I Come from addict issues even though I'm not an addict), but on the other hand I feel like it's important for my family (me, husband, kids) to continue to keep trying to get better and stay connected in this effort.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
This will sound petty, but have you tried tracking everything you do in a day? In regard to household items, kid-stuff, etc?
I did this for my husband a while back because he really wasn't "getting" the amount of work I was doing.
He got it after I tracked it, and he got it again when he was "in charge" for an entire day while I was out of town. I didn't track and show him in a nasty way. I (first) did it for myself to see if I was overreacting and blowing things out of proportion. I wasn't.
Also, check this out
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com...iceOfAMom.aspx
I did this for my husband a while back because he really wasn't "getting" the amount of work I was doing.
He got it after I tracked it, and he got it again when he was "in charge" for an entire day while I was out of town. I didn't track and show him in a nasty way. I (first) did it for myself to see if I was overreacting and blowing things out of proportion. I wasn't.
Also, check this out
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com...iceOfAMom.aspx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 23
I came to the conclusion last night that I have been thinking too much. is this right? is that right? what about this? what about that? and still focusing too much on the things i'm resentful of. it's true that some things are difficult in my relationship with my husband. it's also true that he is a person of value with some good qualities. i don't know what exactly i'm ok with and what i'm not. but last night i decided to give myself some time away from the problem in my mind, and start out fresh working the program for me that i wish he would work (thnkyou for the advice from above .
which i did this morning, and i feel So Much Better Already! I worked out this morning, which i haven't done for a long time. then i gathered all of the kids and asked them to do chores with me. you know, i swear they didn't complain or fuss at all! they just did it, then i high fived them and told them good job. While i was cleaning, i decided that I'm going to write out a list of the things i Want to do. i have really been overstretched for toooo long on everything i need to do and it has left me burnt out and grumpy. so my goal is to do a number of things i need to do every day, and also something i Want to do everyday.
As for the relationship with my husband, i think it comes down to the same theory really. i can't do things the same way and expect a change to happen. i have to figure out what i want and then act accordingly.
.which i did this morning, and i feel So Much Better Already! I worked out this morning, which i haven't done for a long time. then i gathered all of the kids and asked them to do chores with me. you know, i swear they didn't complain or fuss at all! they just did it, then i high fived them and told them good job. While i was cleaning, i decided that I'm going to write out a list of the things i Want to do. i have really been overstretched for toooo long on everything i need to do and it has left me burnt out and grumpy. so my goal is to do a number of things i need to do every day, and also something i Want to do everyday.
As for the relationship with my husband, i think it comes down to the same theory really. i can't do things the same way and expect a change to happen. i have to figure out what i want and then act accordingly.
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