Even Farmers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Martinsville, Ohio
Posts: 79
Even Farmers
Hello readers, the tears are welling up just typing that.
I have so much to tell you.
Even farmers are alcoholics. I just wish I had a few farmer friends I could talk to this about but we are so darned independent and ashamed of our failures.
I am a natural born farmer, dad was, grandpa was, as far back as I can find.
They probably brewed their own stuff until the last few generations but some of them must of had the alcoholic gene as I describe it.
I have it. I am the only one in the family with this severe a problem. I started drinking when I was old enough to drive and go to a bar or package store. Like my first good chews of tobacco it made me sick. I don't remember them now but they sure lured me back.
Now I am 60, retired from teaching and farming like nobody's business. I have spent enough on chew and beer to buy a good farm. A good farm today is worth $4000 an acre on up.
Damn, why did I do it? I finally figured out I am bi polar. I thought I was just a little different from the crowd. I learned to hide my depression and mania with the beer. I love the mania, most of my great ideas come from it. I know its not healthy or normal but I love it.
The depression. Like the commercial say, depression hurts. It hurts you so bad it hurts every one around you. The first marriage ended in divorce, we were just not compatible but I was running away from home and wanted to start my own independent life. Now I am on dependent on something I chose than and can't quit.
Damn that beer. I use to think it was food, the creation of God himself and now I curse it. I really do. If you have the alcoholic gene like I do you will learn to curst that stuff.
I am German Dutch Scotch Irish and the genes all fell on me. Only one in the whole family. Only one to be divorced. Curse that stuff.
I went into a deep depression and drinking spell when she left. I dang near died, should have but the kids stuck with me. Then God sent me my angel. Roman Catholic, strict to the rules, just what I needed, right?
Wrong. A little too permissive, no one knew how bad my drinking was at this point. I didn't even know. We got married, have a wonderful life, bought new farms, have many grandchildren and I tried to stop drinking a few years ago.
Ugly. 40 years of drinking coughed up gagging, praying to die. Please Lord, take me now, I can't take this. You can take it son, I created you and you chose this. I have had 3 bad remissions. I wouldn't wish this on any of you.
I get better, go for months without, drink a little, go for months without and so on. A few years later I think I am better but I am not. I can't quit.
How in the world do I quit?
I went to a few AA meetings, oh the sob stories, I feel so bad for those people. That isn't me is it? Am I still in denial? Can't be me, I am too smart. I can outsmart this thing.
Wrong. You are addicted son. Get used to it. Do whatever you have to do to get clean and stay clean. Seriously.
But I can still drink a few, right?
Wrong, one leads to another and next thing you know you are in deep trouble. I have never had a DUI or DWI or whatever or any violance so I am OK right?
Wrong, you are addicted, too smart for your own good. You are going to smart yourself right into the grave, making taking others with you. Is that what you want?
I had my wristband on to go to the Linder Hope Center, had it all approved and my insurance called and reveresed their decision and said we are not paying?
What? I paid in for 30 something years and I am desperate for help and finally succumbed to the hidden disease and you say no you won't help me?
I was devastated but not surprised. Year later I am just about where I was when they said they would accept me. It was going to cost me a farm to go and want that to go to my grandchildren. I should have forsaken the hard earned farm for my life and my family, I love them all so much. I love them dearly. I have prayed take me before you take one of them. And I mean it, too.
I have had a wonderful life, buried many students, family and friends but I have more to give. I don't want to die like this, you understand? Something beats me? Nothing ever beat me before but I can't quit drinking.
Looked at the Catholic Guest House in Michigan, studied St. Gregories after years of looking and searching for places, groups that do not fit my need.
My insurance won't pay unless I am in a rat hole. I don't want to be there.
I don't want to die or get down to something I don't want.
What in the world do I do?
Even farmers get drunk. If they are lucky they sober up and quit.
That didn't work for me.
I am what they label as an intermittent binge drinker but the binges are getting worse and the lapses are getting shorter.
I am bi polar. I am co dependent. I have the finest team of doctor, advisor and priest you can imagine. They act like hands off, he will survive or die. I am always just good enough to get by.
What in the world do I do?
I read a bunch of posts before posting this. I could think I am better off than you are but I am not. I may be worse off.
We are all in this bad game together, how do we help each other out?
I have so much to tell you.
Even farmers are alcoholics. I just wish I had a few farmer friends I could talk to this about but we are so darned independent and ashamed of our failures.
I am a natural born farmer, dad was, grandpa was, as far back as I can find.
They probably brewed their own stuff until the last few generations but some of them must of had the alcoholic gene as I describe it.
I have it. I am the only one in the family with this severe a problem. I started drinking when I was old enough to drive and go to a bar or package store. Like my first good chews of tobacco it made me sick. I don't remember them now but they sure lured me back.
Now I am 60, retired from teaching and farming like nobody's business. I have spent enough on chew and beer to buy a good farm. A good farm today is worth $4000 an acre on up.
Damn, why did I do it? I finally figured out I am bi polar. I thought I was just a little different from the crowd. I learned to hide my depression and mania with the beer. I love the mania, most of my great ideas come from it. I know its not healthy or normal but I love it.
The depression. Like the commercial say, depression hurts. It hurts you so bad it hurts every one around you. The first marriage ended in divorce, we were just not compatible but I was running away from home and wanted to start my own independent life. Now I am on dependent on something I chose than and can't quit.
Damn that beer. I use to think it was food, the creation of God himself and now I curse it. I really do. If you have the alcoholic gene like I do you will learn to curst that stuff.
I am German Dutch Scotch Irish and the genes all fell on me. Only one in the whole family. Only one to be divorced. Curse that stuff.
I went into a deep depression and drinking spell when she left. I dang near died, should have but the kids stuck with me. Then God sent me my angel. Roman Catholic, strict to the rules, just what I needed, right?
Wrong. A little too permissive, no one knew how bad my drinking was at this point. I didn't even know. We got married, have a wonderful life, bought new farms, have many grandchildren and I tried to stop drinking a few years ago.
Ugly. 40 years of drinking coughed up gagging, praying to die. Please Lord, take me now, I can't take this. You can take it son, I created you and you chose this. I have had 3 bad remissions. I wouldn't wish this on any of you.
I get better, go for months without, drink a little, go for months without and so on. A few years later I think I am better but I am not. I can't quit.
How in the world do I quit?
I went to a few AA meetings, oh the sob stories, I feel so bad for those people. That isn't me is it? Am I still in denial? Can't be me, I am too smart. I can outsmart this thing.
Wrong. You are addicted son. Get used to it. Do whatever you have to do to get clean and stay clean. Seriously.
But I can still drink a few, right?
Wrong, one leads to another and next thing you know you are in deep trouble. I have never had a DUI or DWI or whatever or any violance so I am OK right?
Wrong, you are addicted, too smart for your own good. You are going to smart yourself right into the grave, making taking others with you. Is that what you want?
I had my wristband on to go to the Linder Hope Center, had it all approved and my insurance called and reveresed their decision and said we are not paying?
What? I paid in for 30 something years and I am desperate for help and finally succumbed to the hidden disease and you say no you won't help me?
I was devastated but not surprised. Year later I am just about where I was when they said they would accept me. It was going to cost me a farm to go and want that to go to my grandchildren. I should have forsaken the hard earned farm for my life and my family, I love them all so much. I love them dearly. I have prayed take me before you take one of them. And I mean it, too.
I have had a wonderful life, buried many students, family and friends but I have more to give. I don't want to die like this, you understand? Something beats me? Nothing ever beat me before but I can't quit drinking.
Looked at the Catholic Guest House in Michigan, studied St. Gregories after years of looking and searching for places, groups that do not fit my need.
My insurance won't pay unless I am in a rat hole. I don't want to be there.
I don't want to die or get down to something I don't want.
What in the world do I do?
Even farmers get drunk. If they are lucky they sober up and quit.
That didn't work for me.
I am what they label as an intermittent binge drinker but the binges are getting worse and the lapses are getting shorter.
I am bi polar. I am co dependent. I have the finest team of doctor, advisor and priest you can imagine. They act like hands off, he will survive or die. I am always just good enough to get by.
What in the world do I do?
I read a bunch of posts before posting this. I could think I am better off than you are but I am not. I may be worse off.
We are all in this bad game together, how do we help each other out?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 62
I hear you and feel for you!
Strange question, is the depression not triggered by the drinking? I have also had bouts and vit c and multi vitamins help me stay on track and focused as do sports drinks.
The farmer I once worked for was also had a drinking problem, but said he didn't. A 12 pk in 2 hours.
I am also a new member here and I research and read a lot. If you can stop once and actually go for "months" I am sure the higher up here will be able to help you stay focused and on track with your goals.
I personally am good at writing down goals and achieving them. I just can't kick this habit alone as I am sure you are in the same boat.
Welcome to the ship captain! Where are we going?
Strange question, is the depression not triggered by the drinking? I have also had bouts and vit c and multi vitamins help me stay on track and focused as do sports drinks.
The farmer I once worked for was also had a drinking problem, but said he didn't. A 12 pk in 2 hours.
I am also a new member here and I research and read a lot. If you can stop once and actually go for "months" I am sure the higher up here will be able to help you stay focused and on track with your goals.
I personally am good at writing down goals and achieving them. I just can't kick this habit alone as I am sure you are in the same boat.
Welcome to the ship captain! Where are we going?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Just wanted to say welcome.
My family are farmers.
They work so, so, so , so hard.
Get up so early and had physical work.
Maybe rehab is not the right thing.
Have you thought about AA?
Wishing you the best
xx
My family are farmers.
They work so, so, so , so hard.
Get up so early and had physical work.
Maybe rehab is not the right thing.
Have you thought about AA?
Wishing you the best
xx
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,779
Welcome, fellow buckeye!
I'm also bipolar, depression, and anxiety, but it's some better now that I'm sober. No matter where else you go or what else you do to beat this thing, you're always welcome here and we'll support you all the way.
My grandpa was a farmer in Indiana for years. I love farmers. They are our bread and butter.
to the best recovery site everywhere. We're from all over the world and all have the same goal: to live a clean and sober life.
I'm also bipolar, depression, and anxiety, but it's some better now that I'm sober. No matter where else you go or what else you do to beat this thing, you're always welcome here and we'll support you all the way.My grandpa was a farmer in Indiana for years. I love farmers. They are our bread and butter.
to the best recovery site everywhere. We're from all over the world and all have the same goal: to live a clean and sober life. 
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome! I come from farmers, too, and heck, the first alcohol was wine, fermented by... FARMERS!
Despite how you feel, you are by no means unique. We all feel like our case is "special" and like we are "different". I'll bet you'd be surprised how many farmers are in AA.
Getting sober involves getting over your own "uniqueness" and building a common bond with others who have found the solution.
You may, in fact, be bipolar, but self-diagnosis (even if you were a trained mental health professional) is notoriously dicey. Get the booze out of your system, get your brain and body back to "normal" (whatever its normal state is) and you can figure out the rest with the help of a good doctor.
Hugs, glad you are here!
Despite how you feel, you are by no means unique. We all feel like our case is "special" and like we are "different". I'll bet you'd be surprised how many farmers are in AA.
Getting sober involves getting over your own "uniqueness" and building a common bond with others who have found the solution.
You may, in fact, be bipolar, but self-diagnosis (even if you were a trained mental health professional) is notoriously dicey. Get the booze out of your system, get your brain and body back to "normal" (whatever its normal state is) and you can figure out the rest with the help of a good doctor.
Hugs, glad you are here!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi and Welcome,
The Salvation Army offers free rehab for anyone who wants it, so maybe you could check out the Salvation Army in your area.
Have you been diagnosed as bipolar, and are you being treated with medication? I think that alcohol will worsen the bipolar. It might be easier to manage if you were sober.
The Salvation Army offers free rehab for anyone who wants it, so maybe you could check out the Salvation Army in your area.
Have you been diagnosed as bipolar, and are you being treated with medication? I think that alcohol will worsen the bipolar. It might be easier to manage if you were sober.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Welcome!
My mother was from Dayton...
she had a pride you could bounce rocks off of.
Is that an Ohio thing or what?
but it was the 'farmer' thing that caught me...
I'm the first generation
to NOT farm
and to be raised
away from it.
And what did I do?
SPent the entirety of my life
on horse farms
and with horses.
IT's in the blood, for sure.
But other things are also in the blood.
You're kinda in the land of Goshen there for the AA
can't beat the price
and you never know who you might help.
Alcoholics Anonymous didn't save my life.
It completely rebuilt a tragic story
and turned it into somehting worth living.
I hope you'll try it again.
Best wishes and welcome!
My mother was from Dayton...
she had a pride you could bounce rocks off of.
Is that an Ohio thing or what?
but it was the 'farmer' thing that caught me...
I'm the first generation
to NOT farm
and to be raised
away from it.
And what did I do?
SPent the entirety of my life
on horse farms
and with horses.
IT's in the blood, for sure.
But other things are also in the blood.
You're kinda in the land of Goshen there for the AA
can't beat the price
and you never know who you might help.
Alcoholics Anonymous didn't save my life.
It completely rebuilt a tragic story
and turned it into somehting worth living.
I hope you'll try it again.
Best wishes and welcome!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
"I went to a few AA meetings, oh the sob stories, I feel so bad for those people. That isn't me is it? Am I still in denial? Can't be me, I am too smart. I can outsmart this thing.
Wrong. You are addicted son. Get used to it. Do whatever you have to do to get clean and stay clean. Seriously.
But I can still drink a few, right?
Wrong, one leads to another and next thing you know you are in deep trouble. I have never had a DUI or DWI or whatever or any violance so I am OK right?
Wrong, you are addicted, too smart for your own good. You are going to smart yourself right into the grave, making taking others with you. Is that what you want?"
Well I see that you have met your alcoholic voice that is trying to keep you drinking..Kill it off and go from there. Every time you get a thought that says you can drink -recognize it as your alcoholic voice and shoot it down. Everyone has their own ways of trying to reach sobriety..I hope you find yours!! Glad you are here.
Wrong. You are addicted son. Get used to it. Do whatever you have to do to get clean and stay clean. Seriously.
But I can still drink a few, right?
Wrong, one leads to another and next thing you know you are in deep trouble. I have never had a DUI or DWI or whatever or any violance so I am OK right?
Wrong, you are addicted, too smart for your own good. You are going to smart yourself right into the grave, making taking others with you. Is that what you want?"
Well I see that you have met your alcoholic voice that is trying to keep you drinking..Kill it off and go from there. Every time you get a thought that says you can drink -recognize it as your alcoholic voice and shoot it down. Everyone has their own ways of trying to reach sobriety..I hope you find yours!! Glad you are here.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome! It's hard to admit defeat, I know. I thought I was smart enough and strong enough to figure out how to drink like a normal person. The thing is, normal drinkers don't have to think about being normal - it's just how they drink. Finally, I stopped trying to be something I'm not......
Sounds like you have some great resources (doctors, priests, etc.), which is really good. I have a question: Considering you have depression (and other possible issues), can't you go to a facility that treats those as well as alcoholism? That way, insurance should cover a good part of it. My doctor wrote a referral for me listing "severe depression" (and alcohol abuse) as a diagnosis and I think I ended up paying 20% at a super expensive place. The second time I went to treatment it was a fraction of what the first one cost, but it wasn't a rat hole at all. Anyway, keep your options open - there ARE ways of getting help.
I hope you'll keep posting and reading - this is a great support system. I know that feeling of "why do I keep doing this?" It's a miserable place to be, but it CAN get better! :day6
Sounds like you have some great resources (doctors, priests, etc.), which is really good. I have a question: Considering you have depression (and other possible issues), can't you go to a facility that treats those as well as alcoholism? That way, insurance should cover a good part of it. My doctor wrote a referral for me listing "severe depression" (and alcohol abuse) as a diagnosis and I think I ended up paying 20% at a super expensive place. The second time I went to treatment it was a fraction of what the first one cost, but it wasn't a rat hole at all. Anyway, keep your options open - there ARE ways of getting help.
I hope you'll keep posting and reading - this is a great support system. I know that feeling of "why do I keep doing this?" It's a miserable place to be, but it CAN get better! :day6
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome (((Farmer))) - my cousins, when I was growing up, always worked on the family farms, and I can still smell the scent of hay, horses, cows...it brings a big smile to my face
I also wanted to ask if you've been diagnosed as bipolar? On meds? Alcohol, or any other mood-altering substance, wreaks havoc on bipolar. Many people self-medicate to overcome the feelings.
You've come to a place where we all have similarities, no matter what we're addicted to. You are NOT alone, and I'm glad you're here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I also wanted to ask if you've been diagnosed as bipolar? On meds? Alcohol, or any other mood-altering substance, wreaks havoc on bipolar. Many people self-medicate to overcome the feelings.
You've come to a place where we all have similarities, no matter what we're addicted to. You are NOT alone, and I'm glad you're here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Anyone is susceptible to alcoholism, some more than others, but I've once heard it described as a "rain drop" disease - anyone can get it.
There are millions of alcoholics in the U.S. alone. You are one of many.
We can and do recover. You can be living proof of that.
Kjell
There are millions of alcoholics in the U.S. alone. You are one of many.
We can and do recover. You can be living proof of that.
Kjell
Juggernaut of self will
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 66
Hey Farmer, Just wanted to say welcome.
I know how lonely it can feel at the start. Here is the best part about this place, and 12 step recovery. You don't ever have to drink again, and you can get your life back. If you are ready for a change, and it sounds like you are, work with your doctor, rehab, and then get to a meeting.
The good life is waiting for you partner, com'on aboard!
I know how lonely it can feel at the start. Here is the best part about this place, and 12 step recovery. You don't ever have to drink again, and you can get your life back. If you are ready for a change, and it sounds like you are, work with your doctor, rehab, and then get to a meeting.
The good life is waiting for you partner, com'on aboard!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Welcome farmer! I'm like barb on my Moms side I'm first generation off the farm and I wended up in the stables with the horses I never heard of any alcoholics in my grandperents or greatgrandarents generation time...they were to busy farming! My mom, her sister and her brother all have alcohol abuse problems...go figure...and then there is me
Quitting is about more than quitting...otherwise it would be easy...you've got to find a program and work it...aa is the most widely available and affordable...but if its not right for you there are other programs...go find what works for you!
Welcome again
I never heard of any alcoholics in my grandperents or greatgrandarents generation time...they were to busy farming! My mom, her sister and her brother all have alcohol abuse problems...go figure...and then there is meQuitting is about more than quitting...otherwise it would be easy...you've got to find a program and work it...aa is the most widely available and affordable...but if its not right for you there are other programs...go find what works for you!
Welcome again
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Welcome, Farmer! Cooters right: our alcoholic brain wants to convince us that we are unique... terminally unique. As to rehab, would your family prefer to get the farm really soon? Keep drinking and they will. You were put on earth to live, learn, teach and love - all incompatible with this disease. God helps those who avail themselves. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New York State
Posts: 58
Welcome Farmer...I grew up farming. I remember haying season...hay all day, go back to the house eat & drink beer. We hayed for our neighbor. He didn't give us cans of beer, he gave us quarts of beer. As many as we could keep down...at 14-15 years of age. Don't feel alone. Glad you found us.
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