Fridaynight

am just reaching out - day 1

of many, many day 1s.

glad to know this place is here. I joined back in July but went on to use again, so promptly dropped off.

everything looks bleak and hopeless now even though I know that even 1 day means that there's more hope today than there was yesterday.

I'm so tired of the cycles of the disease; so tired of sobering up to find my life that much more unmanageable then when I was last sober. so tired of anihilating all things worthwhile in life such that when I most need them, they are indeed destroyed.

feeling sorry for myself today, that I have this disease; but just feeling bad, period, cause I'm not doing what I normally do to not feel.


I understand we can help ourselves by helping one another so for those of you who are interested in helping someone, tell me, if you want, about your memories of hopelessness because that's where I can begin relating...and not so much how fabulous your life is now that you're nothing like who I am today or who you used to be in "early recovery"....unless you need to make yourself feel better by making someone else feel worse.

I have been wondering: I understand that God is capable of restoring my sanity; I just don't understand if He wants to or will. I pray frequently and simply "Please help me," but behind that prayer is a question: if it's God's will that I be sane, and if there are no mistakes in His world, than why am I this insane?

SASA

my only hope in the beginning of my journey was that I will get better if I stop. I read the posts and it was so many who got better, so I had nothing to loose and quit my drinking. It is hard but will get better, one day at the time. The only hope I had and have is that if I quit I will get my soul back.

ronf

Fridaynight, You ARE helping keep someone else keep sober tonight by the simple act of posting your story !! That's how it works. I think you want to hear from others who are new around here. I'm in my 15th year sober, so I'm probably too far away from you to be of any real help right now. I will say I remember well the utter self loathing in the beginning. Your not just welcome here, your needed ! I need to hear from the new people to stay sober myself ! So please keep posting.

Best wishes,

Ron

ReadyAndAble

Hi, Fridaynight. I tried and failed to moderate so many times; I think part of me just came to believe I couldn't change. (Except of course for when I was busy convincing myself there was no reason to change.) I drank to excess when I went out with friends, but mostly drank at home. Every night. Every morning I'd vow to stop. Every afternoon I'd begin to feel that draw again. On and on, year after year. So yeah, I was feeling pretty darn hopeless—empty, cold, angry, sad, confused, scared, weary, and hopeless.

least

Welcome back. I'm glad you're giving it another try. Do your best with all your effort and you'll be alright.

undercoverangel

Fridaynight, congratulations on being sober today. I can totally relate to the hopelessness, it does seem like insanity what we keep doing. I'm on day 11. I'm a chronic relapser, but still determined to stop the insanity. I drank for 5 years and my first time trying to quit was only 6 months in! I went to my dr to seek help to quit, and I went to therapy. I knew after only 6 months of drinking that I was in trouble, yet apparently I was not ready to quit because I just couldn't do it. ;O( I've tried, and tried again. I think we become hopeless when we Stop trying, so don't give up Fridaynight, ever. I hope you wake tomorrow morning feeling better and stronger than today. SR is great, I spend way too much time here, lol, but it does help tremendously. We're not alone. Keep posting!

Anna

Fridaynight,

I definitely felt completely hopeless when I was trying to stop drinking. I tried for most of a year to stop and kept failing. I had no idea what to do and I felt so isolated and alone. It was definitely the loneliest time of my life.

For me, I was very low at that time. My health was not good, my family had given up on me, and I had lost friends because I wanted to be alone to drink. I think that at that time, I knew I had to do something and I took a leap of faith.

You deserve a good life, and god wants you to have a good life.

MsCooterBrown

Relapse doesn't have to be something that screams out LOSER. Not if you learn what triggered you and made you drink..it is akin to making your way thru maze when you first stop drinking. Once you finally realize what hosed you up and stay on track you find that you are finally thru it and on the other side. So glad you are back!!! Keep trying.

Fridaynight

thank you for the replies. it does help - really more than I can express - to know I'm not alone with this. I remember a wood engraved sign at a meeting I used to go to (in real life) often that said "Welcome home, you are not alone." I'm hoping I can make some connections and a home here as well.

BKP

I'm Not new, but something could break me away from my soberity. Keep up the fight, one day at a time. The best thing you can do is keep away from the drink and when you accomplish this you start out a quest worth staying sober.

Kjell

To answer your question, ask yourself this - have you been living in God's will...or yours?

Do you really think it's His will for you to be drinking/drugging? To be numbing your body, mind, and soul?

Fridaynight

I can answer in two contradictory ways (a complicated person trying to follow a simple program...)

I'm not catholic or even religious, but I understand that I get high mainly because I like the way it makes me feel, and I know that every time I do so, I'm hurting not just myself, but the people I love the most. I can't think of a more complete definition of "sin," to do something that you know hurts those you love for some selfish reason. So when I use, I think I"m sinning - thatd be against God - NOT his will.

I just - I get genuinely confused about how all this happened, why my will is so far removed from God's, if God is really in charge, if there are no mistakes. How have I been able, for instance, to live OUTSIDE of God's will? That doesn't make much sense to me at this point, day 1. Am I that powerful, to live outside of God's will?

I try to turn off that little voice in my head saying "but what about this," and just try to be grateful that God hasn't decided I'm the worthless piece of crap I feel like. I so want to believe He will restore my sanity and get a better sense of His will, my will and thus our relationship...I try to fathom His will...I just end up all wrapped up in confusion.

I'm sure this is one of those tricks my disease (a mental illness after all) is playing on me. I've been told often that I will never able to understand all this and to keep trying to means I'm not focusing my energy on what I need to - getting well.

Sorry you asked, tried to help? I hope not...

Kjell

In the begining, I've been told to look out for selfishness, dishonesty, resentfulness, and fear. If I'm living within these principles, I'm probably living in God's will and I've prob not drinking/drugging. That's a good start.

Maybe try to hold your thoughts and actions to these principles and try not to overthink it. Get some sober time behind you and build on it each day.

I've now been sober for over a year, but I had a first day too. We can and do recover and YOU can be living proof of that.

EntreNous

To be completely honest I get disappointed every morning I wake up that I have to spend another 24 hours battling this addiction over and over again. Sometimes I truly believe dead would be better.

Impurrfect

My belief is that, though God probably wasn't very happy, when I was abusing things, then getting addicted to crack, he still had a plan for me. When I got locked up, didn't have a choice but to get clean, it was like He was doing, for me, what I couldn't do for myself.

I still didn't really "get" it and white-knickled it for months and months, until I relapsed, big time. That's when I just said "I can't do this any more".

I prayed to be willing to be willing to not want dope. After a while, one of the willings dropped off. That, in itself was hard because as much bad stuff it caused me, I still wanted it and was angry that I couldn't do it anymore.

I've been through some rough times...victim of 2 robberies at work, I'm in a financial mess (thanks to my using), lost my career (same reason), but I actually feel more peace with myself than I have in years. I face challenges..I no longer run from my problems by using, and each time I get through something, I'm just a bit stronger.

I don't know if this helps you any, it's just been my experience. When I can get through the day, and have no regrets of what I've done, have reached out to others, been responsible, say "thank you" for the things I'm grateful for, asked for help when I'm unsure, then I feel as if I'm doing God's will.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

coffeenut

Welcome. Keep coming back.

LaFemme

Hi Friday!

Boy...your post could be me...I was hopeless...begging God to help me...convinced I was unworthy of his help and that there was no recovery for me. This after 4-5 years of failing to string more than 5-6 days sober together at a time.

For some reason...I changed my prayer to something specific....I asked God to make alcohol repugnant to me. I prayed for that with all my heart and soul and guess what??? It worked! And you know what I did???? I forced myself to keep drinking, and it was a battle but I am strong willed... finally, one day I finally just said....I give up you win and I poured the wine down the sink.

That was 6 months ago. God gave me sobriety but I have to do the work to keep it...so I hang out here and work with a life coach.

You are worth it. God wants to help you. He loves you no matter what.

Xoxo, Tina

Fridaynight

Thanks to all for being so real and honest.

Have heard this before, God's will for me not to live in selfishness, dishonesty, resentfulness, and fear. But these emotions, or principles, are they not God-given? Was I not created in His image? Am I not a child of God? Doesn't God then have selfishness, dishonesty, resentfulness, and fear?

I'm sure I sound like I'm just being difficult here but I really do get caught on these snags. Everyone tells me "stop thinking, stop analyzing." I don't know how to shut off my mind. I can act, can follow directions but the thinking, it pops back up sooner or later.

God is of me, I am of God, he is my Father, I am his child, he is in me and of me. That's how I understand my relationship to God.

I don't quite get how there's God's will and then there's my will and
somehow these are quite separate and contradictory forces.

artsoul

Hi FN - sounds like stuff I've thought about......

I think if you realize that this IS a disease (mental/emotion AND physical), maybe you'll go a little easier on yourself. People who get cancer ask "why" too.....but they don't feel like they're not doing God's will. I think we have to come to terms with our personal challenges and maybe its a matter of praying for the grace/help to do that.

I'm not trying to start any kind of religious discussion - I just recognize myself in the way you're pondering these things!

I know that I had to feel hopeless before I was willing to reach out for help. There's something about "surrender" that I don't understand, but which rings true for me.

ReadyAndAble

Fridaynight, it's been a while since I read the bible, but I seem to remember people making all kinds of decisions, good and bad, of their own free will. In fact I think it's kind of a running theme...

I think you made a great decision coming back. Congrats on Day 1!