Tyler312

Long story short; I posted a thread about 10 days ago about my AW. In it I realized she broke a boundary, and the consequences are divorce or legal separation. Since then I have been thinking about this all day and every day, and it is truly what I want and need to do.

The problem is telling her. Divorce has come up informally from time-to-time. Sometimes I think AW mentions it to get a reaction from me. A month ago I brought it up in the most serious discussion so far, and I thought she was going to have a breakdown.

I am wondering if anyone has any tips about breaking the news? I know every person and situation is different, I am just having trouble wrapping my brain around it. I am an ISTJ personality type, so that is what I like to do

I am potentially 24 hours away from telling her, so this topic is consuming me at the moment. I think I want to come home from work early tomorrow and just flat out tell her. That will give us (mostly her) the rest of the day to cool off. I don't want to go to bed with her all riled up, doing god-knows-what downstairs.

Thanks...
- Tyler

sebby1234

Hi Tyler.

I am in almost the same situation. And being somewhat of a conflict/confrontation avoiding person I am also unsure on how to approach the topic. In addition, there is financial considerations that I am unsure how to tackle, considering I make decent income but her addiction has put us in a near-bankruptcy situation.

She is taking some steps right now but her efforts seem half-assed and likely just to get me off her back. And even if she took the proper steps and got the help she really needed, I believe the damage in the relationship has crossed the point of no return and I can't keep living such an unhappy existence.

I guess the easy answer is "just tell her". But I can totally understand how you feel on that point. I myself debated writing her a letter. I know it is somewhat cowardly to do so but at the same time I feel it would be a way for me to say all I need to say in a calm manner without the conversation deteriorating into a screaming match. \

Sebastien

calicocat

My heart goes out to you. I went through this many years ago and your first consideration should to do this at a time and place that is safe for you and others (children). Secondly, expect that however you do it, you will be blamed for doing it the wrong way.
I am very analytical also but have learned to recognize that I beat myself up sometimes.
Remember, the addict is manipulative and will always TRY to make you feel bad when you don't do what they want.
Take care of yourself. Ignore the comments you'll hear. Avoid the debate; don't even get into it with them.
Pray to cope. That is your best solution and He will become your new best friend.
You will survive this.
Hope this helps.

tam

I feel for both of you. living with addiction isnt fun ,neither is seperating or divorce. alot of things to consider I know, but I will be honest with you both.
after my AH left because of the pressure and arguing about his behavior & lifestyle of addiction I wanted so bad to file for divorce. But couldnt, I truly didnt know how or should I say I was afraid. I also felt like I let him down after 26 years and also somewhat ashamed that I was walking away. so I let things be, knowing in my heart that I couldnt live with him again. I never gave him false hope, but I also didnt talk about divorce. I ignored the subject completely but again in my heart I knew things wouldnt work out and totally positive that things wouldnt be the same.
long story short, he filed in october for financial reasons. its very stressful
dealing with divorce issues, attorneys, courts, paper work galore and of course the financial impact is the worse.
I am lonely, I get frightened being alone, I get bored, I get sad, I still get angry this happened, but I have faith that its for the best.
I wish him well, I have sympathy for him that he lost me, my family, our pets and has no life, but I also have come to the conclusion that he had a choice and he doesnt want to get sober.
I on the other hand do not want to live with an addict.
my only advice is to be honest and just tell her. calmly and respectfully.
It very well could be a bumpy road ahead of you, but do what you want for you...
in a flyer the other night at the dr.this quote was in an article
"divorce court=hall of blame" and that is what probaly will happen in the beginning when tempers flare and emotions are high, but over time it dwindles.
I still hope that someday we can talk and be friendly but for now I have to protect myself and defend myself.

FGB

Cynical One is right. First, make copies of all your financial records. Very important, and then anything elkse that may prove your side in the divorce. See an attorney first and foremost. Then, according to your state and attny's advice, go from there. Best wishes, FGB

tam

yes!!!!!!!! make sure you document everything and copy all your records!! I forgot to mention that, but very important.
also, write a history (narrative) on your marriage too, like in date order of events for attorneys to read, saves time and $
prepare financiall information as well, assets, income , debt, expenses etc.
gives an attorney a financial picture as well.

Tyler312

Thanks for all the responses so far!

I actually consulted with an attorney this morning. I will be making some copies of a few important bank statements and records. I pay 95% of the bills, so it is pretty easy.

The only thing I do not have is her credit card information. She carries some debt on it, and am considering trying to figure out her login information in the event that she decides to get spendy after tomorrow. I hate doing that, but need to protect myself.

-Tyler

ZombieWife

Sure, prepare yourself, but don't let that become a reason why you are "holding off" and then suddenly 2 weeks pass.

When you do confront her, brace yourself for a freak-out session and that she may use every trick in the book to change your mind.

Good luck!

PaperDolls

Personally, I would have a plan of action before I had the talk. Have somewhere else to stay etc.

Good luck to you!

catlovermi

Say what you mean, (whatever your truth is, state it clearly and objectively)
Mean what you say, (don't make your truth negotiable)
But don't say it mean(ly).

coffeedrinker

can't you just cancel or otherwise make the credit card not accessible to her?

same with joint bank accounts, etc.

good luck.

to find an easy way to say what you know you need to....well, there just isn't one. but to be smart, and have your ducks in a row is the way to go.

i wish you the best. we're quietly with you

tjp613

I also recommend getting all your ducks in a row, including a place to stay/live and bags packed, BEFORE you have the talk. Take all the financial precautions possible...every single one...protect yourself and don't take her 'good nature' for granted. It call all go sour very quickly.

Wascally Wabbit

I have to agree with cynical. I went to a lawyer before I took one step to move out.
Thank heaven I did.

Tyler312

Thanks for the support. I wussed out yesterday so need to really man up today.

Ann

I agree with getting legal advice first.

I would also have an escape plan in place for yourself, and a plan for what to do if she falls apart.

No matter how you do it, it is going to be painful for both of you. Sometimes we just have to walk through the pain to come out the other side.

Good luck.

Hugs

Carol Star

I agree with all the legal advice here first of all because the "A's" can get ugly. I put the ball in his court by giving him the ultimatum.....you go to 90 meetings in 90 days and get help or I am going to file. This was after he left two treatment centers. This was the idea of a counselor who saw us both, me on a regular basis, and the counselor saw him once alone. So, I put the ball in his court. He didn't get help....I got a divorce. My A did get a little crazy breaking furniture so be careful. Living under the same roof may be hard after the conversation.

ThatLittleGirl

You might want to get credit reports also. - This is a good idea; do not assume that there aren't credit cards that you're not aware of. Perhaps there are not, but it's better to be safe than sorry!