CircleInTheSea

That was AH's solution last night. I came home and saw 'beer' bottles on the computer desk, and was immediately on guard. I was pretty sure they were Kaliber bottles, but still. I don't like the smell and the association with the stupid bottles all over the place. Back into detattachment mode I went. When asked later on if I was okay with NA beer, I just said 'no' politely and pointed out that if he had to ask, he already knew the answer. And then I was ignored for the rest of the evening. *sigh.

Hadassah

How frustrating! You once again are the bad guy, just becasue you want a normal, nonalcoholic life. And that means no Na beer. It's just a crutch, and not something that will help him stop this lifestyle. I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't miss it one bit. Praying for you , H

gerryP

Jeeze...the poor guy just can't win, ah? There just isn't any pleasing the Mrs.


(Tehe)

Eight Ball

I really appreciated that - I am always struggling with understanding detachment and a light bulb went off in my head with that line. (detachment = mode)

I did the exact same thing this evening when I smelt and saw the red wine glass in my AH hand when I walked into his office (hiding). I didn't say anything to him and just walked away. I can see why this possibly has more impact on them, then snapping at them about drinking and them having something to be angry with you about.

My AH chose to work on the Monday (Bank Holiday) after Christmas day even though we had a couple of discussions about it, me saying I wasn't happy about him working as he wasn't being paid double time and he should spend some time with me and him agreeing and saying he would try to arrange it. He got up and went to work! I was upset with him about it, and snubbed him and then he stopped speaking to me and then when we finally cleared the air a week later, I was to blame because I didn't like him working.

I think your maybe interacting negatively towards his drinking (saying no etc) gave him a reason to be angry with you.

On the non alcoholic beer front - I would like to see if that one works for your AH. Mine (who is denial) tells me that he drinks beer because he likes the taste but I bet you if I said fine, drink non alcoholic beer to your hearts content, he would be saying that it didn't taste right and be back on his normal beer pretty quickly.

keepinon

My friend works in a winery and is in AA..got 9.5 mo!She drinks nonalcoholic wine at dinner...is there some reason she shouldn't?

Taking5

In the alcoholism forum, this comes up on a regular basis. Almost unanimously the recovered As agree that NA beer is flirting with disaster. Many of us have a story of a relapse that soon followed.

Beer doesn't even taste good, my lord there's a zillion good soft drinks and healthy fruit drinks out there. If he'll listen tell him this. But put yourself first.

LexieCat

I know sober alcoholics who drink n/a beer without problems. I've had the odd one, myself, from time to time. I was never a big beer drinker, so it hasn't been an issue for me. I have never had the urge to drink more of them, or to have the real thing.

There is a lot of debate about this among recovered/recovering alcoholics, just as there is about whether to eat food cooked with alcohol. It's really an individual decision.

That said, there is risk involved, particularly if the person is using them as a crutch in an effort to quit drinking. In that circumstance, there is a risk that the person will go on to pick up the real thing because he or she isn't getting the satisfaction that real beer gives (i.e., the buzz).

I don't know your husband's situation, so I don't know how risky it is for him. I think it IS one of those issues that's essentially his business, so I applaud your detachment.

suki44883

I drank it fairly regularly during early sobriety. I've always liked the taste of beer. NA doesn't taste exactly like beer, but it's close enough that it satisfied me. It's been quite a while since I've had any. I keep intending to go buy some, but for some reason, just haven't gotten around to it.

I agree, it's a personal decision. Some folks can drink it and not crave the real thing, others can't. Detachment means that you can allow him to make his own choices without it causing you undo worry.

Carol Star

NA beer has alcohol in it.......1 sixpack NA=1beer.......He ain't sober........

yeahgr8

Yes its like a heroin addict going through the ritual of shooting up but with saline fluid and not heroin...assuming there was some good reason for your friend to stop drinking in the first place, i.e. consequences of some sort?

The NA debate is just crazy can you imagine any normal person, using my example above, coming in from work and the addict saying "don't worry it's saline, have you got a problem with that?" and them being happy with that situation...but NA beer or wine is fine...wtf?! Absolute insanity!

Working in a winery is not a problem at all though, the wine didn't make her drink...

Cyranoak

NA Beer is not, as has been posted here already, non-alcoholic. It simply has a very low level of alcohol in it, as does NA wine.

As Vince Vaughn would say, it's just the tip...

But, as has also been pointed out, it's their recovery not ours, so let go and let God. For me, finding those bottles would have spun me out too. I'm fortunate in that my RAW feels faux-beer and wine is too dangerous and is a gateway to relapse for her, and is not part of her "recovery."

She actually has a whole list of foods, beverages, and medications that her program provided of things they say have shown to be relapse triggers or indicators (including pickled vegatables among other things). All NA beverages are on the list.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Carol Star

"changing seats on the Titanic".......

wicked

I used to drink beer, never tried the NA beer, cause well, it would remind me of the good ole days when I didnt have to feel anything.
And more than two bottles?
If the analogy were a slide, two bottles sitting on the computer desk is him getting to the platfom, sitting down and grabbing the handles to pull himself down.
There is a ritual, and rituals are had to stop, and when it starts, he will be reminded how great it was to get drunk, and 16 NA's are not doing the job.

I just cant see taking that risk myself, I would not even want to be near the smell of a beer.

Beth

CircleInTheSea

Thank you all for your replies. I've been thinking about this NA beer thing since I posted earlier this week. I've been sick with a nasty cold (again! gah!) for the past 2 days, so I've had some reflection time. I'm not opposed to NA beer in theory, but as PP's have stated, it DOES contain alcohol. I feel like drinking them is just flat out playing with fire, at least at this point in his sobriety. I feel like it's another way for him to convince himself that he's normal, and that his alcohol addiction is now 'under control', so we don't have to talk about it or address it verbally anymore. He hasn't drank all the six pack yet, so it's lingering in my fridge. I don't like that I'm bothered by it, and honestly, I wish I was at the point where I could see it and let it not affect me. I don't want to worry that this is the beginning of another relapse. I don't want to BE in the middle of a relapse X number of months from now and know that this was where it started again. I didn't tell him he had to quit drinking this summer, but I did tell him that I would soon be at a the point where I couldn't/wouldn't take his alcoholism anymore. Since them (when discussed), I've told him that under no circumstances will I stay in the same household with him if takes up drinking again. That little naggling voice in the back of my head tells me that this is his way of 'beating' that circumstance (ie....It's not 'really' beer, so it's 'okay'). Idk, maybe this is his way of challenging what I've said? To be honest, I hadn't considered NA beer as an option or set any boundaries with myself regarding NA beer. As I said earlier, in theory, I'm okay with it, but when I was smacked with it in reality, I'm not so down with it's use.

Thumper

I really don't think his drinking NA beer has anything to do with you. It isn't a way to get around your rules. I think the NA beer is all about him and how he is handling his own recovery.

I was equally as freaked out when my xah came home with NA beer newly out of rehab so I really do understand where you're coming from. I was going to say a whole lot about my thoughts on my xah and NA beer but suffice it to say, it didn't work out.

Live

I can give you a different perspective maybe....here is what it is like to be with a non-alcoholic:

The first time my "new" guy put a six pack in the frig...I told him more of the alcoholism issues I had with my X and how it still tended to be disturbing to me in certain ways and I said "Really, I would prefer to never see a 6 pack in my frig again"

beer isn't that big of a deal to him. there has never been a six pack in my frig since I mentioned that I find it really upsetting even tho' it has nothing to do with him. Sometimes he comes home with a single or a coupla cans and not often at all. very, very occasionally.

I am still amazed that I can watch him have a beer and not have twinges but it is because he has honored my feelings about it and I have never felt unsafe or threatened etc.

You AH knows you have issues, in fact your marriage was on the rocks about it, with him drinking beer.

childofnite

Is NON-alcoholic beer and wine.

NO alcohol, like 0.0, not 0.5 or 0.05.

I haven't had the beer yet, but Beck's makes a 100% alcohol free beer. This was one of my faves from my drinking days, and I am another that enjoyed the taste of beer. So we'll see if later on I want to try it.

At Christmas, my hubby and I had "Unwine" from Costco - basically a nice, strong, blueberry flavoured juice with merlot grapes in it. Again, 100% alcohol free. Gave me something to toast with, and made me feel 'normal' - which was important to me early in my recovery. I did not relapse, nor do I intend to.

For me, it was never the *delivery method* (beer, wine, spirits, margaritas, yadda yadda yadda) that caused me to become an alcoholic. It was what the delivery method was *cloaking* - ETHYL ALCOHOL.

For all I cared, the alcohol could have spilled on a dirty floor when I was actively feeding my addiction, no glass required... *Alcohol* is what I am addicted to, so I stay away from *alcohol* in all forms - mouthwash, foods, cooking, topical (soaps and sanitizing fluids).

As long as the alcoholic does not have ANY alcohol in their system to force their hand into a relapse, I fail to see why they cannot have a 100% NON-alcoholic version of their favourite drink after they have some time under their belt, and feel as if this is 'safe' for them to do.

I refuse to live the rest of my life not enjoying my life for fear of my addiction. Didn't we all get sober to live again, and not be constantly looking over our shoulders for something that HAS to happen (relapse?)? Because it DOESN'T have to happen. That is and always will be a choice once you are free of its grip. I know this, because I am sober from nicotine nearly a decade, and I don't freak out every time I see a smoker that I am going to pick up again. I am treating this addiction the same. I am vigilant but not *debiitatingly* so.

Cyranoak

Circle,

All these posts, including childofnite's, still remind me that this actually isn't his issue. With due respect, Circle, you don't seem to be getting that.

It's your issue. You can't control him. You control you. Decide if you need a boundary here, make sure the boundary is about you and not controlling him, be as sure as you can of your boundary, and then execute.

Or, just let it go.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

P.s. If my child was "smoking" candy cigarettes it would be an issue for me and I would absolutely not allow it. If my wife were drinking 100 percent alcohol free wine or beer, it would be an issue for me because the ritual of it remains the same. In my opinion it's a slippery slope and I would have to set a boundary in that scenario, but would only do so if I were willing to enforce it. If not, then my only choice would be to practice my recovery and let it the **** go.

Carol Star

If he was in AA their feelings about NA beer are clear....no....not a good idea. My husband went through an outpatient treatment center.....no not allowed. My XAH was put out of the program.

coffeedrinker

I just wanted to point out that this implies that you are trying to manipulate, or control, his feelings or behavior.

The reason to "detach" is all about you and your serenity, not about how our alcoholics react.