Hess

I am new here, But unfortunately having an addict brother is not new to me. That's been going on for 8 or 9 years now (at least that I know of).
A little background information:
My brother is 30 years old. His drug of choice is heroin, however he pairs this with any number of any other drugs (especially crack and/or cocaine). He has made some steps at recovery. He takes Suboxone daily, has been to several rehabs in the past, and he used to attend meetings for a program called "celebrate recovery". He is Married. He has a toddler son and stepson who live with them, and an older son who lives elsewhere.
The second part of the equation is that I have an enabling/codependent mother. She helped hide my brother's addiction from the family for at least a year. Defends him, bails him out of jail, pays his legal fees, pays his bills, and will gives him a place to stay when he screws up.
I am 32 years old. I have a great professional full time job and I am also a part time student putting myself through an engineering degree at a very good university. I have a very good marriage and I have two wonderful children. I have only ever had two addictions in my life, cigarettes (which I quit 7 years ago), and coffee (I may never recover). I have pretty stayed out of everything having to do with my addicted brother over the years. I've been around for moral support, but that's about the extent of it. They're all adults and should take care of themselves.
The reason I'm on this forum is because the whole situation changed over the holidays. My step-father left my mom on the day after Christmas. That left her all alone to deal with all of this. And it completely shattered her. My step-father always had "some" boundaries. But now with him gone, all the boundaries are gone.
I don't really know how well my brother has been doing over the past few years. I just know that he has been "functional" for a few years now. He was working, got a girl pregnant and married her, and they have had their own apartment. Albeit it is state funded housing, and I'm finding out now about how many bills were being paid and the "help" my mom was contributing. Most of all there hasn't been the arrests.
That also changed over the holidays. He was arrested Christmas eve. I don't know the exact details of the arrest. I can only get an absolutely ridiculous story, full of excuses and what are hard to believe explanations about what happened. Anyway, it was drug related, he says it was for cocaine and a pipe. Of course he claims it was the first time, and it was on a whim and blah, blah, blah....
His wife threw him out of there apartment and he began staying with my mom. I was pretty upset about him staying there... my opinion was that he was able to come up with extra money for cocaine he can easily find money for a hotel.

A day or two passes, and the next thing I know my brother is moving his wife and kids into my moms house. To top that off she gives them her master suite, and she moves into a guest bedroom and is now sharing a bathroom with my brother's kids.
I tried to intervene, but it didn't help anything. I took my mom aside and tried to talk some sense into her. It fell on deaf ears. Now I'm actually being made to look/feel like the a**hole in all of this. My brother and his wife are accusing me of jealousy, greed, competition, etc... I went to my mom's a few days ago after she asked me to help her with some Audio video and computer stuff around the house. My brother hovered over me the whole time and tried to boss me around. I had to ask him several times to get away from me. It got to the point that I had to warn him to stay away he’s going to get an a**kicking. Now, he is starting to stand next to my mom while I am talking on the phone with her, listening in and interjecting.
So now I am at a crossroads, do I continue to try to defend my mother, or do I back away because she is a grown woman. She is at a very fragile point in her life, with her husband just leaving her, it makes me feel like I need to defend her. But she has said that my brother is helping her. She enjoys waking up to her grandchildren doesn’t want to be alone, etc…
I am so torn… I am not sleeping… I am not able to concentrate at work…. And my classes started this week…. Unable to concentrate on them…
I am interested in hearing from others in similar situations… What did you do??? How did you cope??? Any advice is appreciated….

splendra

Welcome ((((Hess))))

I feel ya not wanting to be dragged into this drama. I have had a very simular situaton with my family. I invite you to read my thread that I started a few weeks ago titled "Hurrah My Sisiter Went to Rehab".
My mom is having a very dificut time in dealing with her role in this maddess and feels a lot of guilt saddess and pain.

You sound very sane to me. I hope you will keep your good boundaries in place it can only help in the grand scheme of things.

Just so you don't feel so alone I too have been the black sheep of the family and the bad guy most of my adult life because of refusing to get involved with this drama. Stand back and watch stay off the front row. You can't help her or them if they do not want it and even we they do want help sometimes it is not your place t help.

I have attended alanon and naranon for years I have tried to get my mom into it but she still refuses.

At any rate she know now that she cannot let my sister back in until she gets her head on straight. Good luck and God Bless!

barb dwyer

Welcome to SR, Hess!

wow.
That's quite a read you got happening there.

I had to pop in and say great job of keeping your distance
and for not getting yourself roped in to anything.

Unfortunately, in the law-sense...
these people are adults.
THey are allowed by right of age-
for certainly nothing else was inherent
as far as qualification goes-

to make their own choices and decisions.

Like me, you're on school break and this probably has zoomed in
far closer than is comfortable
if a situation like this can be comfortable.
Hopefully school will pull you back to that neutral zone
because without neutrality
or at least distance

the risk of putting mom in a tug of war
of shoulds and oughts
can create just as much stres
from this side of the jail.

which is where these things wind up.
but you know that.

I think you sound very grounded
and stable in your own circle
and I hope you can find
the support and help here
you are looking for.

Check out your school for a group.
You'll be amazed what's there
lurking right under your nose
for recovery and support.

Keep posting and reading here -
you're going to pick up lots of information and experience.

Hess

Not sure that I feel like a Black Sheep (although that's as good of a description as any). I mean I guess I am the black sheep when it comes to my mom, step-father (although he's out of the picture now), and brother. I am certainly very different then they all are. But, I am within the majority on the other-side of the family. My father, step-mother, step-brother, step-sister, aunt's, uncles, cousins, etc... have all chosen not to enable my brother. Unbelievably that all seems to have strengthened my moms desire/need to enable him.

Like I said I have stayed away from most of this, let the parents handle it. I guess this is just the first time I am experiencing the backlash from my brother when I tried to protect my mother. I am just amazed at how easily he was able to turn things against me. Turn my mom against me.

I miss the days when we were teenagers, when he would get out of line and I would just kick the snot out of him and everything was all better.

Hess

Barb,
I was just thinking about that very thing this morning. I normally don't have time or anything to even think about this stuff. In fact I am never usually even around for it to find me. When I am not working, or at school, or doing schoolwork, I am doing things with my wife and/or kids.
I have a feeling that you are probably correct, school will pull me back out of the situation.

Kindeyes

Hess
I am the mother of a recovering addict (son) who is 29 years old. I am a recovering codependent enabler.

Thinking back four + years ago when I was fully engaged in the dance of addiction, there was nothing that anyone could tell me to make me realize that I was contributing to my son's addiction by enabling him. And anyone who tried to come between me and the subject of my obsession was a thorn in my side. Sad.....but true.

How did my daughter handle it? The only way she could. She distanced herself from both of us. It was the healthiest thing she could do for herself.

So.....how did I finally "see the light" so to speak? We did an intervention with my son a little over four years ago. He went to an in patient rehab. That is where I began MY recovery.....in the mandated (or at least highly recommended) family sessions. It was other recovering addicts who finally got through to me. At that time, my recovery began and my son relapsed a few months later. (Fast forward to now and after another in patient program he is currently in recovery and is doing well.)

So.....what can you do for your mother? Nothing unless she asks you to. Why? Because the offering of unsolicited assistance will be met with resistance. But you CAN give her gifts occasionally in the hopes that she'll read them. Books like Melody Beattie's "CoDependent No More" and Naranon literature. If she reads enough of it....she'll start to get it. But that's about all you can do.

In the meantime, as painful as it may be, she will continue to enable your brother and he will continue to use.

Detaching with love is a healthy way to deal with anyone who is addicted. Your brother is addicted to drugs. Your mother is addicted to her son.

gentle hugs

coffeedrinker

Hess,

You have stepped into what appears to be a pile of poop, but oops, it's more like quicksand and you will get sucked in and not feel you have options to step out.

This is - I believe - the nature of this stuff. We step in with the best of intentions, but then a whole new dance begins.

I liked what KindEyes said about her daughter.

The problem is, if you continue to step in to "help" your mother, well then you're just an enabler as well....just of someone else.

I welcome you to the sober recovery community. I hope you hang around here for awhile. I think you've got a good grip, and seeking answers instead of validation is the right course.

splendra

Oh man that is how they are for sure.

Hess

Thank you so much for your input!!!

I was searching around yesterday on amazon for books, I was looking at "codependent no more" and a book called "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children" that had good reviews. They are still in my cart, I think I will order them.

Has anyone heard of, or read "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children"?

Hess

I have been thinking about that a lot, whether I am sort of enabling the enabler. That's a tough one... But I think in a way, it's absolutely what I'd be doing. I am certainly trying to clean up my moms mess for her.

Kindeyes

I haven't read this one but the title grabs me. I am also curious now.....has anyone read this one? Heck. I think I'll order it and see what I think. Setting boundaries is a HUGE part of codependent recovery.

Thanks Hess!

gentle hugs

ZombieWife

Your mother is an adult. She needs to hit her "bottom" at her own pace here. When her son has cleaned her out financially, emotionally and spiritually, she'll take the steps to decide what to do.

You could give her one gentle gift of support. Maybe get her a great codependency book? One that deals specifically with addiction? Just put a note inside that says, "I can't control you and your decisions, but I love you and I wish you the best."

damiank

I want to say to keep trying to talk sense to your mom, and don't give up. She is no match for your brother. My brother lives with my mom, and he's taking over the house. He does the same things you mention, it's so weird reading your original post. He listens in on her phone conversations, and tries to get cocky with me when i visit my mother. I'm furious about it, but will not abandon my mother. My brother wants to live like a king, and for some reason, thinks that it should be given to him. I just can't get my head around it.

Hess

I really am having a terrible time dealing with this, I do feel like I am "abandoning my mother". But, I am quickly learning that I just can't do anything about it. My mom is doing what she wants to be doing and I can't seem to get thru to her that what she wants to do is not good for anyone. And unfortunately, My brother is willing to manipulate and control my mother and I'm not.

damiank

Our situations may be slightly different, because my mother agrees with me, and wants him out. He only has one lung because of an attempted suicide, and smokes! So when he gets sick, we have to act fast. He does get disability, and works for cash for my mom's husband. He has many chances that he is wasting, and if I mention smoke, he'll blow up. I don't want my brother to die, and just yesterday my mom talked about starting the push to get him independent again. My sister will cosign for a mobile home and lot for him, but now he doesn't want to live alone again. Something has to give. For the last five years, my relationship with my brother has been me feeling sorry for him, tryting to help him, or him manipulating me, ripping me. A normal conversation doesn't exist. In a way, i feel that i've lost him. The positive part is that he has stopped drinking, and exercises alot. Now, it seems he's ocd with neatness in his room, and doesn't want to leave. It's a real mess. I want him out for his own good; my mother deserves her time and her house.

Bikerchick

I know this is a thread from January, but I've been searching the internet for days now for a discussion of this very situation. My sister is addicted to prescription pills and has been for years. For whatever reason, my mother has financially supported my sister for over 30 years now even though my sister and her husband were working full-time and making a respectable amount of money.

I've tried to intervene in the situation over the years by trying to talk to both of them, taking my sister and her children into my home, trying to make my mother promise not to support her while she stayed with me, etc. etc. My mother is 75 years old now and broke. She has bought my sister a home, pays all of her utilties, bought her several cars, bought her flat screen TV's, computers, new clothes, cosmetic dental work, the list is endless. She has no savings left, her retirement funds are gone and she has a mortgage on the house she bought as "an investment" which my sister and her family live in rent-free.

My mother is aware that my sister is an addict and has also bought her pills for her, even driving her to the dealer's house. When my mother came up with the idea of doing an intervention, she asked for my help and I jumped in with both feet, gloriously happy that mom was finally coming around. That lasted less than a week. Faced with the reality that part of an intervention would include Mom cutting off financial support, Mom freaked and called my sister and told her the whole plan. Somehow in all of this mess, my mother decided to blame me as the the one who "jumped in and took control" of the intervention plans. She denied that it was her idea and denied that she had admitted that my sister was an addict and accused me of "putting words in her mouth" and accused me of being a "liar" about my sister's drug habit.

At that point, I told my mother very calmy and clearly, that she and I no longer had a relationship, not to ever call me, write me or email me ever again. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I am constantly wanting to talk to her, but I can't take the pain anymore.

The manipulation of family members and turning them against each other is very destructive and the effects on relationships are horrendous. The anger and disappointment I have felt over this has been crippling for me. The stress and guilt make it almost impossible to focus on work and my own family. But I have to cut myself off from this "dance" of the co-dependents and try to be healthy. The comment that the "addict is addicted to drugs and the mother is addicted to the addict" is very profound and so true.

I've decided to stop "enabling the enabler" by taking away her ability to vent to me daily about my sister and use me as her "confessional" about the money she has spent and the lies she has told to cover up my sister's addiction. It's not to punish my mom, it is to make her face reality and to allow myself the time and space to start to heal from all of this. Thank you for reading this and thank you for the opportunity to get this off of my chest.

LokiCat

I am going thru something very similar right now and I feel your pain. I am sorry that you are going thru this. It really does hurt. God bless.

Bikerchick

Thank you for the response. I have decided to attend a Nar-Anon meeting in my area tonight. I have decided to pull away from the 30-year co-dependent relationship between my mother the enabler and my sister the addict, but I feel as if I have lost my family and need some help with being strong about my decision.

I also need to let go of the feeling that my mother has chosen my sister over me. I tried many times to draw boundaries with my mother and tell her that if she tried to talk about my sister's "problems" with me, I would hang up the phone. My husband has even asked her not to bring it up when she has visited our home, only to have to remind her again and again that we don't want to hear about it. She is obsessed with the situation in my sister's home, her children's issues, her finances, her health problems, etc., etc. to the point that she cannot be "present" for any of the good things that are going on with her other three children and grandchildren. Every conversation with my mother gets turned around to a discussion of the latest drama at my sister's house. So, I have had to cut off communication with my mother completely.

I've had to block her phone no. and email address because I couldn't take the tearful voice mail messages from my mother telling me she "misses being able to talk to me". I have tried to get her to go to a Nar-anon meeting and even went so far as to find the closest group to her and emailed her the times and a map to the meeting. She declined to go because "she didn't know anyone at that church". I'm just done. This has ruined my ability to focus on work and I'm in danger of losing my job because of it. I feel paralyzed, sad, lonely and depressed. I'm hoping that going to a meeting will help me feel like I'm doing something, at least for myself. Glad I found this forum.

Chino

Bikerchick, the advice given here is to do at least six meetings. If the first place you go to doesn't feel like a good fit, try another meeting elsewhere or even Alanon.

I know you're in tremendous pain and bless your heart for wanting change. It will come, one day at a time.

hope2be

Hess: Sorry to hear of your dilemma. You're not alone.

Just downloaded Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. Every page is hitting home. Definitely a good read for all of us. Even if you do not have adult children, it helps when dealing with any adult child who is now an adult parasite.

Huggs to all