shameless0109

I have been in recovery for almost a year now have relasped a few times and my girlfriend of a year who helped me get out of huge alcoholic stage who is my entire world/everything has descided thats not the life she wants but loves me enough to be there as a friend but thats it, i want to be with her though. any ideas on this? is this a good idea?

ronf

Shameless, If you have a sponser or a therapist talk to them. I think most of us are going to feel to far removed from the situation to give you any real advice. That said; keep in mind she may very well have her own problems, issues that she needs to work through. Give her the time and space to do that. What ever the outcome it is not a reason to drink. I have been in your shoes,except it was my wife. She did not come back. Six months later I met someone new. Two years later we were married, still with her 25 years later. My point is you just cant tell how things are going to work out, but they WILL work out for the best.

Ron

Lushwell

Living with untreated alcoholism is pretty brutal and bizarre. Expecting someone to live in that environment is a lot like expecting someone to lie in the same bed with you that you urinated in. A little bit of an unrealistic expectation. We promise we won't do it again. Imagine the disgust felt when we soak 'em down again. And again. And again. Its hard for them to explain it to friends and family. Occasionally, they figure out they don't need to explain it and get themselves out of the situation. Talking someone into returning to a situation like that is kinda like talking someone into going back into a burning house they just escaped from. Unless the fire is out, going back in might be a bad idea. Maybe dangerous.

Maybe this is a good opportunity to put the fire out. Once you remove the threat of the flames, go ahead and clean up the mess. Maybe look into what started the fire and remove that as a future threat.

Then invite your fire survivor back in for a look.

There are a number of ways to restore your life after a fire. It is advisable to leave the actual extinguishing of the flames and removal of the threat to those who are skilled in this. Attempting it on your own could literally blow up in your face. Bring in the experts. Rebuild. Your house will be much easier to sell rebuilt and attractive than when it's little more than a burned out hull.

Maybe this is the wake up call to seriously address your alcoholism.

DayTrader

Part of the issues is that we identify ourselves through the other person. I'm me....but I also see myself as "her boyfriend." Her being around and in my life helps validate me, to myself. I pick up some extra self worth and some added seld-esteem because "she" obviously wants to be in my life. At the very least, I like to think of myself as being in a relationship because i have looked down on the ppl who aren't in one. I get a slight sense of superiority from the deal. Also, my friends tell me they wish they had a girl like her.....so that feeds into my false ego too. I could go on.......but all this stuff is part of the lie we tell ourselves.

It gets even deeper when it's marriage. I identify myself as the husband/wife, maybe as a parent in a stable household, etc etc. Those are much stronger beliefs and they're reinforced on an almost daily basis by society.

When the breakup or divorce happens, all those little parts of me who found their identity through this other person are in a fight for their life. If "she" goes.......then the boyfriend part of me dies off. The part of me my buddies were jealous of dies off. ETC.

Finding my real self identity has been the biggest help and best solution to your perdicament that I've come across. It's also been helpful to recognize that just because I think "we" are great together, that's not enough proof. Maybe she'd be FAR better with someone else.

If I'm truly being unselfish and if I truly love her....wouldn't I want the best for her even if it means I can't be part of it? That can be a tough question to answer.....especially when I'm feeling selfish (I "need" her) and parts of me are fighting for their lives... but it's a question I've had to ask myself and if I can answer that I love her "that" much, letting go starts to make more sense and becomes easier. If I can't answer in the affirmative, then it's obvious selfishness on my part and no WONDER she doesn't want to be "that way" with me anymore.

Don't get too hung up on what things are going to look like in 5 yrs........ or 1 yr..........or next month. Remember, part of recovery is that we have to stay in the present - avoid resentments from our past and fear of the future.

Praying like crazy helped the most. The knowledge (above) was great to know......but it wasn't enough to solve the issue for me. That's where the prayer comes in.



best of luck to you my friend.

Dee74

Hi Shameless

I know it's hard to do...but focus on you. Focus on your recovery. Focus on staying sober.

The reason I say that is everything radiates from that. Don't stay sober and you'll have nothing.

Give yourself some love and attention. Work on yourself.
You're worth it

You may find things work out with this relationship, maybe not.

But I know that finding recovery, the kind of recovery with no relapses, helped me find myself, and helped me become the kind of person and, down the track, the kind of partner I wanted to be.

That's a great gift

I wish you well.
D

bellakeller

"If you love someone, set them free..."

Trust in the process and focus on recovery. Your HP will take care of the rest.

Sorry you are hurting. I had to learn the above the hard way... but it has been so worth it.

Much love.