If this is the right thing, why does it feel so bad?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
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If this is the right thing, why does it feel so bad?
I am new to this site, but have been reading some of the posts over the past few days. We have been dealing with AS problems since he was discharged from the military 6 months ago. He came home with mental problems and addiction to the meds they prescribed to him. It has been a nightmare! As his mental problems and addiction worsened, so did our family cohesiveness. In six months our family has suffered and deteriorated just as much as AS has.
And actually our deterioration began six months before that, when his problems began, although he was across the country from us.
We have done everything to try to help HIM, but very little to help ourselves. As he would pace the house for nights on end, or isolate himself in his room and not speak to us for days, or run out the door to buy drugs (oxy at this time) and return home barely able to walk, we would plead with him to get help. We were afraid to confront him at times and treat him with extreme care, due to his fragile mental state. His young teen sisters suffered, because all of our attention was given to him and his problems. Our marriage suffered due to our lack of attention to each other, and discourd over how to handle the situation.
Then the unthinkable happened and we caught him stealing his sisters' Christmas money. How could our son have stooped to this level?
Finally as we found a suicide plan he had written, we had him committed. Of course, the system is not set up to protect someone from themselves (as no one can really do), and the VA Hospital where he was sent called and said they were discharging him. The judge had ordered him to stay another 10 days, but the doctors deemed that he could not be helped as he didn't want help, thus keeping him there was counterproductive. We told the VA that if he refused help and they were discharging him, we were not coming to pick him up. The doctor told us we needed to come get our son and show him our support. The doctor had no clue as to what we have been through or done to try to support him, as my son had not given the VA permission to speak to us. So, we stood our ground and said we would not pick him up (much to the doctors' dismay and shock), and that he could not come home.
The easy part was making that decision at that moment, but the difficult part is knowing my AS is out there in the cold, suffering from Major Depression and addiction. We do not know where he is, but know he is in town as he called 2 days ago asking us to meet him to give him his things (since we won't allow him in the house). He is of course very angry at us, and said we will never see him again. He said he will never forgive me for having him committed against his will.
What complicates things for me is his mental problems. He had done a stint in a rehab a couple of months ago and they told me his problems were mainly psychiatric, and that was causing the addiction as he attempts to medicate himself. After rehab he relapsed almost instantly, and was worse in every way.
So, am I wrong to feel the guilt over closing the door to my son and his psychiatric/addiction problems? He did not ask for this, and in fact had tried everything within his power to handle his depression and anxiety on his own before he even asked for help in the military. They prescribed Xanax, valium, Klonopin, Ativan, as well as over 15 psychiatric meds within 2 months. Thus, he became addicted, and was discharged to us in unstable condition (one week after getting out of the va psych ward in the military), and addicted. On the other hand, he has done nothing to help himself and the very nature of his mental illness prevents him from seeking help.
We are ready to regain our lives and find enjoyment again. But, how do I live with the feelings of guilt over my now homeless, mentally ill, addicted son wandering around with no car, no money, and no support? Has anyone had experience with dual diagnosis addicted family members?
An added note: I try not to blame the military, but why would they prescribe such addictive medications to an airman they had spent over 2 million dollars and three years training? And then kick him to the curb with no plan for any success upon discharge???
And actually our deterioration began six months before that, when his problems began, although he was across the country from us.
We have done everything to try to help HIM, but very little to help ourselves. As he would pace the house for nights on end, or isolate himself in his room and not speak to us for days, or run out the door to buy drugs (oxy at this time) and return home barely able to walk, we would plead with him to get help. We were afraid to confront him at times and treat him with extreme care, due to his fragile mental state. His young teen sisters suffered, because all of our attention was given to him and his problems. Our marriage suffered due to our lack of attention to each other, and discourd over how to handle the situation.
Then the unthinkable happened and we caught him stealing his sisters' Christmas money. How could our son have stooped to this level?
Finally as we found a suicide plan he had written, we had him committed. Of course, the system is not set up to protect someone from themselves (as no one can really do), and the VA Hospital where he was sent called and said they were discharging him. The judge had ordered him to stay another 10 days, but the doctors deemed that he could not be helped as he didn't want help, thus keeping him there was counterproductive. We told the VA that if he refused help and they were discharging him, we were not coming to pick him up. The doctor told us we needed to come get our son and show him our support. The doctor had no clue as to what we have been through or done to try to support him, as my son had not given the VA permission to speak to us. So, we stood our ground and said we would not pick him up (much to the doctors' dismay and shock), and that he could not come home.
The easy part was making that decision at that moment, but the difficult part is knowing my AS is out there in the cold, suffering from Major Depression and addiction. We do not know where he is, but know he is in town as he called 2 days ago asking us to meet him to give him his things (since we won't allow him in the house). He is of course very angry at us, and said we will never see him again. He said he will never forgive me for having him committed against his will.
What complicates things for me is his mental problems. He had done a stint in a rehab a couple of months ago and they told me his problems were mainly psychiatric, and that was causing the addiction as he attempts to medicate himself. After rehab he relapsed almost instantly, and was worse in every way.
So, am I wrong to feel the guilt over closing the door to my son and his psychiatric/addiction problems? He did not ask for this, and in fact had tried everything within his power to handle his depression and anxiety on his own before he even asked for help in the military. They prescribed Xanax, valium, Klonopin, Ativan, as well as over 15 psychiatric meds within 2 months. Thus, he became addicted, and was discharged to us in unstable condition (one week after getting out of the va psych ward in the military), and addicted. On the other hand, he has done nothing to help himself and the very nature of his mental illness prevents him from seeking help.
We are ready to regain our lives and find enjoyment again. But, how do I live with the feelings of guilt over my now homeless, mentally ill, addicted son wandering around with no car, no money, and no support? Has anyone had experience with dual diagnosis addicted family members?
An added note: I try not to blame the military, but why would they prescribe such addictive medications to an airman they had spent over 2 million dollars and three years training? And then kick him to the curb with no plan for any success upon discharge???
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Fist off let me say..wow, valid feelings of betrayal by the military.I am the mom of a young(19)year old addict.We too, fell apart, we too sent her out into homelessness.It is very hard and doesn't feel good, except for having peace in your home.
What really helped me was alanon (we do not have Naranon in my town)...I learned how to lovingly detach, take care of myself, focus on others besides my sick daughter.
My daughter was also diagnosed with Major Depression..but she was using,so it is really a chicken or the egg thing..was she depressed first or did using cause the depression..we will never know.
What happened in our case was once I really let her go,gave her NOTHING, let her wallow in her addiction, be homeless,dirty,sick,penniless..after about 8 months she asked to go to rehab, really surrendered and is working her program.
Lots of people who are addicted have underlying mental health issues and you can definately get support at Alanon, also there are NAMI groups (National Alliance /Mental Illness)..I am pretty sure you could get some info if you google it.
More people will be along soon, many with similar stories..hang in there, keep seeking out support..
What really helped me was alanon (we do not have Naranon in my town)...I learned how to lovingly detach, take care of myself, focus on others besides my sick daughter.
My daughter was also diagnosed with Major Depression..but she was using,so it is really a chicken or the egg thing..was she depressed first or did using cause the depression..we will never know.
What happened in our case was once I really let her go,gave her NOTHING, let her wallow in her addiction, be homeless,dirty,sick,penniless..after about 8 months she asked to go to rehab, really surrendered and is working her program.
Lots of people who are addicted have underlying mental health issues and you can definately get support at Alanon, also there are NAMI groups (National Alliance /Mental Illness)..I am pretty sure you could get some info if you google it.
More people will be along soon, many with similar stories..hang in there, keep seeking out support..
Last edited by keepinon; 01-09-2011 at 09:34 AM. Reason: left out a word
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I have to admit as an veteran of the Army, I find this quite shocking. that they would prescribe addictive pills to someone who has a major depressive disorder and is abusing pain meds is astounding.
My story was much better, I went to Landstuhl Germany for a six week inpatient rehab for alcohol and then my SSRI's started to work. Never ever was I prescribed something I could abuse to get high on.
and no, it boggles the mind that after all that training they would dope him up and kick him out.
it will be a struggle, but you must get him a representative that is outside the military to fight this fight for him. I had an excellent rep from Disabled American Veterans.
Was he discharged with any kind of percentage? If you dont know, call one of the local clubs that are there for veterans. they can read thru the gobbledy **** and get this poor man some help.
he may not become an airman again, but I am living a very good sober life with relief from my major depressive disorder from effexor.
Putting him out of the hospital without an aftercare plan just sounds negligent.
Sorry, for my strong words. If I had not found my rep, I would still be trying to get by on 50% and no hospital care. When I was depressed it was difficult for me to make a phone call, let alone explain my problem to someone I was sure didnt care about me.
There is help for your son. You might have to set it in motion if he is not in the state of mind to do so.
Look for your local veteran societies, especially at the VA Hospital.
I wish the best for your son, and thank him for his service.
Beth
and of course get the naranon or alanon for yourself. i didnt get it when i was still living with my addictive spouse, and it took much longer to get clear on what i needed to do. when you are able to detach with love, you will be able to help your son more effectively. i speak with experience on this too.
thank you for posting here, and giving me an opportunity to help someone.
My story was much better, I went to Landstuhl Germany for a six week inpatient rehab for alcohol and then my SSRI's started to work. Never ever was I prescribed something I could abuse to get high on.
and no, it boggles the mind that after all that training they would dope him up and kick him out.
it will be a struggle, but you must get him a representative that is outside the military to fight this fight for him. I had an excellent rep from Disabled American Veterans.
Was he discharged with any kind of percentage? If you dont know, call one of the local clubs that are there for veterans. they can read thru the gobbledy **** and get this poor man some help.
he may not become an airman again, but I am living a very good sober life with relief from my major depressive disorder from effexor.
Putting him out of the hospital without an aftercare plan just sounds negligent.
Sorry, for my strong words. If I had not found my rep, I would still be trying to get by on 50% and no hospital care. When I was depressed it was difficult for me to make a phone call, let alone explain my problem to someone I was sure didnt care about me.
There is help for your son. You might have to set it in motion if he is not in the state of mind to do so.
Look for your local veteran societies, especially at the VA Hospital.
I wish the best for your son, and thank him for his service.
Beth
and of course get the naranon or alanon for yourself. i didnt get it when i was still living with my addictive spouse, and it took much longer to get clear on what i needed to do. when you are able to detach with love, you will be able to help your son more effectively. i speak with experience on this too.
thank you for posting here, and giving me an opportunity to help someone.
Last edited by wicked; 01-09-2011 at 09:35 AM. Reason: to add what keepinon said. very important.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
Thanks to both of you for your replies. My son was given 70% disability, which doesn't amount to enough to live on, as his check still comes through the military so taxes are applied. (He should have been given 100 percent as he is totally disabled). He was supposed to go for an evaluation at the VA a month ago for their assessment and level of disability, but due to his problems he did not open the letter and missed the appointment.
Actually, the first med they prescribed was Xanax. He was not addicted or using at all, prior to going to the Air Force "mental health" office for help for his "invasive suicidal thoughts". What actually caused his discharge was he had a seizure while in the doctors office on base. (God had his hand on him, as he wasn't driving when this happened). His squadron deployed without him on a top-secret mission (which he was excited to go on), and sgt. didn't know what to do with him, so they expidited his discharge. He was discharged six months after first asking for help. The Chf Mstr. Sgt called me and said he had become a risk and had to be put in the psych ward if I could not come and stay with him. I told him I couldn't leave my family for an extended period of time, and perhaps they shouldn't have given him a total of 17 medications within a two month period of time and perhaps that's what caused his seizure, and asked him why would they give such dangerous meds to a young man living alone off base who is having suicidal thoughts and serious problems. The sgt. had no answer.(In light of recent newsarticles about military suicide, they really should back off on writing prescriptions).
The sad part is he graduated top of his class at Presidio (the defense language institute), top of his class in everything, had letters of recommendation from his superiors, scored proficiency in his language, and as he said, "I gave it my all. I tried my very best".
So, since the VA Hospital discharged him against the judges orders, I again feel let down, and feel they owe him more than that. But, I guess it all comes back to the "can't help someone who doesn't want help" thing.
If all of our love and support could have fixed him, he would be fixed. I wish he had never joined the military, and actually am having a pretty bad day as it's 13 degrees out and he is wandering around having suicidal thoughts and despair. He totalled his car two weeks ago, has gone out job hunting for days when he was in a Manic state, but there are not jobs in our town and he currently does not present himself well. He was going to go to school, but cried and said in reality he can't go to school right now. He began injecting Oxy, and our small town has the number one prescription overdose rate in the country (beating San Fransisco last year). We had over 50 overdose deaths last year, in a town of 8,000.
He had a written suicide plan for overdose, and what he would use. It read that he felt 'dead inside,"" and was "sick and suffering". The VA hospital had the note, which he lied and said he had written a long time ago, and they let him go.
Yet, we knew if we picked him up and brought him home, nothing would have changed. He would go to his room, isolate himself for days or weeks, leaving only to do drugs and come back home stumbling around. He would hold us as hostages to guard him for overdose and our home for safety. He has refused our offers to take him somewhere for help, although he did go to rehab, he said it was hell as he was suffering every day with suicidal thoughts. Basically his view is, there is no way to help him. He is a veteran who has lost his way. This IS how people end up homeless and mentally ill, and addicted.
So, is this "tough love" approach still the right thing, given all the facts?
Actually, the first med they prescribed was Xanax. He was not addicted or using at all, prior to going to the Air Force "mental health" office for help for his "invasive suicidal thoughts". What actually caused his discharge was he had a seizure while in the doctors office on base. (God had his hand on him, as he wasn't driving when this happened). His squadron deployed without him on a top-secret mission (which he was excited to go on), and sgt. didn't know what to do with him, so they expidited his discharge. He was discharged six months after first asking for help. The Chf Mstr. Sgt called me and said he had become a risk and had to be put in the psych ward if I could not come and stay with him. I told him I couldn't leave my family for an extended period of time, and perhaps they shouldn't have given him a total of 17 medications within a two month period of time and perhaps that's what caused his seizure, and asked him why would they give such dangerous meds to a young man living alone off base who is having suicidal thoughts and serious problems. The sgt. had no answer.(In light of recent newsarticles about military suicide, they really should back off on writing prescriptions).
The sad part is he graduated top of his class at Presidio (the defense language institute), top of his class in everything, had letters of recommendation from his superiors, scored proficiency in his language, and as he said, "I gave it my all. I tried my very best".
So, since the VA Hospital discharged him against the judges orders, I again feel let down, and feel they owe him more than that. But, I guess it all comes back to the "can't help someone who doesn't want help" thing.
If all of our love and support could have fixed him, he would be fixed. I wish he had never joined the military, and actually am having a pretty bad day as it's 13 degrees out and he is wandering around having suicidal thoughts and despair. He totalled his car two weeks ago, has gone out job hunting for days when he was in a Manic state, but there are not jobs in our town and he currently does not present himself well. He was going to go to school, but cried and said in reality he can't go to school right now. He began injecting Oxy, and our small town has the number one prescription overdose rate in the country (beating San Fransisco last year). We had over 50 overdose deaths last year, in a town of 8,000.
He had a written suicide plan for overdose, and what he would use. It read that he felt 'dead inside,"" and was "sick and suffering". The VA hospital had the note, which he lied and said he had written a long time ago, and they let him go.
Yet, we knew if we picked him up and brought him home, nothing would have changed. He would go to his room, isolate himself for days or weeks, leaving only to do drugs and come back home stumbling around. He would hold us as hostages to guard him for overdose and our home for safety. He has refused our offers to take him somewhere for help, although he did go to rehab, he said it was hell as he was suffering every day with suicidal thoughts. Basically his view is, there is no way to help him. He is a veteran who has lost his way. This IS how people end up homeless and mentally ill, and addicted.
So, is this "tough love" approach still the right thing, given all the facts?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
redbud
Welcome to SR......your story really tears at my heart. I'm glad you found us.
No one here can tell you whether you did the right thing or not. No one can ever fully understand your situation. It sounds like you have done everything you could. I don't know much about how the military works but 'wicked' gave some excellent suggestions.
With my son, there are definately some psychiatric issues but as was said earlier....which came first....addiction or the volitile psychological state?! I don't know! He started drinking and drugging at a young age 15 or 16 and he is now 29. I had to let my son go.....he couch surfed, he lived on the streets, he put copius amounts of meth and heroin into his body, he threatened suicide regularly. It was he77 knowing that he was going to have to hit his bottom.......and that bottom could be "dead". But my love couldn't cure him. I had to stand back, pray a lot, get to Naranon meetings, read copius amounts of literature on addiction and let his HP do his work.
Today my son is in recovery. He's clean and working his program. I thank God every day for this but I don't project into the future to say "how long will it last". I have him healthy and in recovery TODAY and that's what's important to me.
You are not alone. You have found a place where there are ALOT of folks who understand what it is like to loved someone who is addicted. Please stick around. Hopefully there will be more people along who understand the in's and out's of the military and may be able to help you find some answers.
gentle hugs from another Mom
Welcome to SR......your story really tears at my heart. I'm glad you found us.
No one here can tell you whether you did the right thing or not. No one can ever fully understand your situation. It sounds like you have done everything you could. I don't know much about how the military works but 'wicked' gave some excellent suggestions.
With my son, there are definately some psychiatric issues but as was said earlier....which came first....addiction or the volitile psychological state?! I don't know! He started drinking and drugging at a young age 15 or 16 and he is now 29. I had to let my son go.....he couch surfed, he lived on the streets, he put copius amounts of meth and heroin into his body, he threatened suicide regularly. It was he77 knowing that he was going to have to hit his bottom.......and that bottom could be "dead". But my love couldn't cure him. I had to stand back, pray a lot, get to Naranon meetings, read copius amounts of literature on addiction and let his HP do his work.
Today my son is in recovery. He's clean and working his program. I thank God every day for this but I don't project into the future to say "how long will it last". I have him healthy and in recovery TODAY and that's what's important to me.
You are not alone. You have found a place where there are ALOT of folks who understand what it is like to loved someone who is addicted. Please stick around. Hopefully there will be more people along who understand the in's and out's of the military and may be able to help you find some answers.
gentle hugs from another Mom
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Maybe a session or two for you with an addiction specialist would help..perhaps they could talk to you about what is generally best for people with primary mental health issues.
My experience (what I was told)was that you have to deal with the addiction first THEN with the underlying issues because you can't get a true diagnosis while they are using..now it may be different in your case because he was diagnosed PRIOR to any use..and I am not DR.
If he is not willing to get help, I don't know what else you can do..you can't be held hostage in your home, allowing him to use and remain untreated for both the addiction and mental illness.I truly hope his time on the streets pushes him to seek help or the law gets involved and orders him to get help...it's just so hard as a parent it breaks your heart..just know you are not alone...
My experience (what I was told)was that you have to deal with the addiction first THEN with the underlying issues because you can't get a true diagnosis while they are using..now it may be different in your case because he was diagnosed PRIOR to any use..and I am not DR.
If he is not willing to get help, I don't know what else you can do..you can't be held hostage in your home, allowing him to use and remain untreated for both the addiction and mental illness.I truly hope his time on the streets pushes him to seek help or the law gets involved and orders him to get help...it's just so hard as a parent it breaks your heart..just know you are not alone...
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
Thanks to all who have posted words of strength and encouragement. I had to be reminded yesterday by my husband, that AS chose to not disclose any information to the VA hospital, and refused to go to a halfway house, and chose to demand to be discharged from the hospital. As I've said, my difficulty is with his poor judgment due to his mental illness, which, if truth be known, I believe to be more than "major depression". There have been episodes of psychosis and hallucinations, even in rehab. Yet, he has made choices and is protecting his addiction and problems.
His military training to "evade and resisit" the enemy really messed with his head, as when you try to talk to him he acts as though you are interogating him and he will not tell you ANYTHING! Perhaps they should "deprogram" these guys before they are discharged, and returned to home and to society.
I will go to Alanon, which only meets once a week in our town. We don't have naranon here, but do have counseling services available. I have tried VA services, and spoke to our local representative (who had a waiting line out the door!), who told me that same thing I keep hearing..."You cannot force someone to get help".
He is in God's hands today.
His military training to "evade and resisit" the enemy really messed with his head, as when you try to talk to him he acts as though you are interogating him and he will not tell you ANYTHING! Perhaps they should "deprogram" these guys before they are discharged, and returned to home and to society.
I will go to Alanon, which only meets once a week in our town. We don't have naranon here, but do have counseling services available. I have tried VA services, and spoke to our local representative (who had a waiting line out the door!), who told me that same thing I keep hearing..."You cannot force someone to get help".
He is in God's hands today.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
redbud
My son has a long history of poor decision making. He is his own worst enemy. I've always wondered that there must be some kind of learning disability or mental illness but the truth of the matter is......he is an addict. And addiction is so powerful. It can cause them to do things that we know (as their mothers) they would NEVER do if drugs weren't in the picture.
I've thought through the years.......what else can I do......what stone have I left unturned.......what else can I do to get him the help he needs.......if I don't help him, who will........I must be a lousy mother if I can't pursuade him to get help........I just need to do something.....anything.
See all of those "I" statements in there? I could also make dozens of statements that contain "he needs to" or "he should". All of those statements have to do with controlling a situation that can't be controlled without the willing participation of the addict. The Serenity Prayer states it so beautifully: Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom.
Things have happened to my son that I never thought I would be able to live through. Jail being one of them. That was my "worst case scenario" for a long time. When it happened.....I survived and so did he. My worst case scenario changed as his addiction progressed........death. Jail seemed like a potential answer to a prayer! Please God get him into jail so that he can clean up.
Eventually, as I progressed in my recovery, I stopped thinking about what might happen. If it hadn't happened yet......then it was ruining my life thinking about the "what ifs". And my prayers changed from "God help me help my son" to "God my son is in your hands. Watch over him and guide him....and I will accept whatever happens." It brought me great peace to hand him over to God and remove the burden from me.
Yes. Your son is in God's hands. I will keep you, your family, and your dear son in my prayers as well.
gentle hugs
My son has a long history of poor decision making. He is his own worst enemy. I've always wondered that there must be some kind of learning disability or mental illness but the truth of the matter is......he is an addict. And addiction is so powerful. It can cause them to do things that we know (as their mothers) they would NEVER do if drugs weren't in the picture.
I've thought through the years.......what else can I do......what stone have I left unturned.......what else can I do to get him the help he needs.......if I don't help him, who will........I must be a lousy mother if I can't pursuade him to get help........I just need to do something.....anything.
See all of those "I" statements in there? I could also make dozens of statements that contain "he needs to" or "he should". All of those statements have to do with controlling a situation that can't be controlled without the willing participation of the addict. The Serenity Prayer states it so beautifully: Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom.
Things have happened to my son that I never thought I would be able to live through. Jail being one of them. That was my "worst case scenario" for a long time. When it happened.....I survived and so did he. My worst case scenario changed as his addiction progressed........death. Jail seemed like a potential answer to a prayer! Please God get him into jail so that he can clean up.
Eventually, as I progressed in my recovery, I stopped thinking about what might happen. If it hadn't happened yet......then it was ruining my life thinking about the "what ifs". And my prayers changed from "God help me help my son" to "God my son is in your hands. Watch over him and guide him....and I will accept whatever happens." It brought me great peace to hand him over to God and remove the burden from me.
He is in God's hands today.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I am really happy to hear you are going to alanon and looking into counseling..and that your husband is there to give you a reality check too.These are all good things.Taking care of yourself..giving your husband and other kids some of your emotional energy can be really healing.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
What complicates things for me is his mental problems. He had done a stint in a rehab a couple of months ago and they told me his problems were mainly psychiatric, and that was causing the addiction as he attempts to medicate himself. After rehab he relapsed almost instantly, and was worse in every way.
We are ready to regain our lives and find enjoyment again. But, how do I live with the feelings of guilt over my now homeless, mentally ill, addicted son wandering around with no car, no money, and no support? Has anyone had experience with dual diagnosis addicted family members?
Yes, my EXABF had all the symptoms of Bi-polar disorder coupled with addiction and they go hand in hand. My advice to you would be to read about Depression/Anxiety and Addiction. If the addict is not honest with the Dr.'s and already is an addict, manipulation comes into play. Even the best Dr.'s cannot see through every tall tale. My ex lied to his parents about taking his meds for depression because he didn't think he "needed" them. What do you do? You can't force them...... Good luck and God Bless. I'm sure he is being looked after by his HP.
We are ready to regain our lives and find enjoyment again. But, how do I live with the feelings of guilt over my now homeless, mentally ill, addicted son wandering around with no car, no money, and no support? Has anyone had experience with dual diagnosis addicted family members?
Yes, my EXABF had all the symptoms of Bi-polar disorder coupled with addiction and they go hand in hand. My advice to you would be to read about Depression/Anxiety and Addiction. If the addict is not honest with the Dr.'s and already is an addict, manipulation comes into play. Even the best Dr.'s cannot see through every tall tale. My ex lied to his parents about taking his meds for depression because he didn't think he "needed" them. What do you do? You can't force them...... Good luck and God Bless. I'm sure he is being looked after by his HP.
Last edited by ladyhawk69; 01-10-2011 at 08:04 AM. Reason: wording
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
Thanks again to all of you. It's so nice to feel we are not alone in this. My 15 year old daughter woke up crying because she had a dream her brother died, and she's upset that it's snowing out and he doesn't have a coat with him. So, as you can see, it has effected our entire family, as we do all love him. One of the hardest parts is to think that all of this happened within one year, and almost exactly one year ago was when he first told us of his suicidal thoughts and we encouraged him to seek help through the military. So, within one year we went from him preparing to deploy on a mission for his country, to being homeless, addicted and ill.
I will continue to use this site for support, the internet for information, and whatever resources I can find in our community. Thanks again everyone.
I will continue to use this site for support, the internet for information, and whatever resources I can find in our community. Thanks again everyone.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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I know it's just the tiniest sliver of hope, but his training also taught him how to survive. He was living life before all this happened and, if you combine that with survival skills and rehab, he has a foundation to work with.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
I do not believe he has an exact diagnosis...only that they changed his diagnosis several times while in the AF. He did have a head injury during part of his training, but that was not pursued by the military. I am not familiar with the Baker Act??
And yes, he was trained in survival skills, and actually loved that part of his training. He loved it all, except the POW part, (which is where he received a blow to his head which rendered him unconcsious). The way it effected him, he may as well have BEEN a POW.
And yes, he was trained in survival skills, and actually loved that part of his training. He loved it all, except the POW part, (which is where he received a blow to his head which rendered him unconcsious). The way it effected him, he may as well have BEEN a POW.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Has your son had an MRI or anything like that for his head injury? I ask because if he had a TBI (traumatic brain injury), even a mild concussion, it may have started this whole thing. They don't all heal properly. My 23 year old recovering daughter had one as a toddler and I never knew, it showed up during an EEG a few years ago. Her psychiatrist flat out said that is where her addiction started.
I'm not positive, but I think if there's a TBI, the military will change his diagnosis and his treatment. Of course he would have to be willing to undergo diagnostics, and I'll pray that he does very soon.
I have to say I'm really disgusted with our military and their stand on addiction, treatment of TBI's. The two are related, it's common knowledge with neurologists, and hello??? there are so many soldiers coming home with addictions and TBI's. I want to rant and cry at the same time, and I'm sure you feel it worse than I do. I'm so sorry
I'm not positive, but I think if there's a TBI, the military will change his diagnosis and his treatment. Of course he would have to be willing to undergo diagnostics, and I'll pray that he does very soon.
I have to say I'm really disgusted with our military and their stand on addiction, treatment of TBI's. The two are related, it's common knowledge with neurologists, and hello??? there are so many soldiers coming home with addictions and TBI's. I want to rant and cry at the same time, and I'm sure you feel it worse than I do. I'm so sorry
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
When my son finished the POW part of his training he called home and casually mentioned he didn't appreciate being slapped until he was knocked unconscious, and waking up with fluids pouring out of his ears and nose. He has said that "everything went downhill after that". When he mentioned it to a couple of people in the military, he was told to drop it...nothing could ever be proved. (And this is fringing on disclosing information my son would not want disclosed, due to all that "classified information" stuff that pertains to his training). So, though an outside psychiatrist who participated in his discharge evaluation was convinced my son was suffering from temporal lobe epilepsy, and needed further evaluation, my son has refused to follow up on it after discharge. (Truthfully, I don't think the military wanted it diagnosed, or they would have had to keep him in the Air Force until he was treated, and they wanted him OUT,as he became a "risk" to them).Even the rehab wanted him to see a neuro-psychiatrist, and set up an appt for after discharge, but he did not go (they said his judgment seemed impaired and they saw similarities to a TBI). So, although he had a assault on his brain in training, and then a seizure in the military which left his unconcsious for 3 hours, he has not been on epilepsy meds (except the Valium they gave him, which he abused).
Thus, when I flew out to drive the 18 hours back home with him when he was discharged, I felt like I was with a stranger and told my husband I felt like I'd spent 2 days with a brain injury patient. He couldn't figure out simple things. But, what has complicated everything was the abuse of his meds and not knowing what is psychiatric, what is neurological and what is drug abuse (The abuse of Oxy started when he got home...Oxy is a huge problem in our community).
It is a very complicated case, which will take time to untangle. But, if he's not willing to go to doctors' and pursue it, he will not be helped. Simple as that.
I am grateful for all of the suggestions and support you all offer. It feels really good and gives me strength.
Thus, when I flew out to drive the 18 hours back home with him when he was discharged, I felt like I was with a stranger and told my husband I felt like I'd spent 2 days with a brain injury patient. He couldn't figure out simple things. But, what has complicated everything was the abuse of his meds and not knowing what is psychiatric, what is neurological and what is drug abuse (The abuse of Oxy started when he got home...Oxy is a huge problem in our community).
It is a very complicated case, which will take time to untangle. But, if he's not willing to go to doctors' and pursue it, he will not be helped. Simple as that.
I am grateful for all of the suggestions and support you all offer. It feels really good and gives me strength.
Last edited by redbud; 01-10-2011 at 12:15 PM. Reason: spelling
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
Baker Act, you can have him involuntarily committed for a period of time, even to a VA hospital, if he's mentally instable(which sounds like he is)
And he hasn't gone to the VA at all, is that correct? It was all military?
Most homeless shelters have some sort of Veteran's outreach person, who can help direct him where he needs to go. But you're right, it only works if he wants it to work and goes to the appointments, etc.
And he hasn't gone to the VA at all, is that correct? It was all military?
Most homeless shelters have some sort of Veteran's outreach person, who can help direct him where he needs to go. But you're right, it only works if he wants it to work and goes to the appointments, etc.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
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My addict bf has both TBI and PTSD and was discharged from the miltary for it under a medical discharge. He also has 70%. I know for him he confirms that it is a huge part of his addiction and he actually does PTSD counseling through the VA. He knows he has to face that stuff too or he will never stay sober. He has 8 months. He actually went through a drug treatment facility through the VA and he said it really help, he then transitioned into a VA sober house and now lives in a regular sober house. The military has a lot of options however your son needs to pursue them and work for them. I know my bf gets quite a bit of money at 70%. a total of like 3300 for different things but it has been a lot of work and pursuing to get. The VA knows he is a drug addict and they will not prescribe him anything addictive but only because he informed them.
They also gave him a medical discharge instead of dishonorable or other than honorable as he had a dirty urine for heroin last february. I think it is really having your son A get clean. Can you section him. I know in Massachusetts you can section 35 an addict that is a threat to himself or society and they are confined for 30 days with no choice or release if you can prove. If you have any stuff that says he is suicidal keep it and go to the courts. Get him off the street, give him a chance and if it doesnt work than let him go. Like others say, we can not cure or help anyone that does not want help. But there are options if he wants them.
They also gave him a medical discharge instead of dishonorable or other than honorable as he had a dirty urine for heroin last february. I think it is really having your son A get clean. Can you section him. I know in Massachusetts you can section 35 an addict that is a threat to himself or society and they are confined for 30 days with no choice or release if you can prove. If you have any stuff that says he is suicidal keep it and go to the courts. Get him off the street, give him a chance and if it doesnt work than let him go. Like others say, we can not cure or help anyone that does not want help. But there are options if he wants them.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
He did go to the VA hospt...which is about 60 miles away, when I had him involuntarily committed through the magistrate. The VA kept him about a week and let him go.
Here's the thing that I am having a hard time with...my son possibly has a traumatic brain injury. When he was renedered unconscious by a blow to the head, the AF should have had him airlifted to a hospital. They didn't. Instead it was ignored and denied. Then, when he did go to the "mental health" for help, he was given addictive meds...and other meds that could be contraindicated with a TBI, if that's what he has. Everything spiraled downhill. Thus, he did have a full blown seizure. I'm not sure if he was "debriefed", as he was unstable when sent home. So, he seems to be still in the mode of all that "classified information" stuff, and denies everything and will admit to nothing. He was sent home addicted, and sick, without his brain having been fully evaluated. I don't think they wanted to address a possible injury, as I said, because I think they didn't want to keep him and have to treat him. They didn't know what to do with him, since his squadron deployed without him. They wanted him out.
This was a young man who graduated top of his class in all of his courses and three years of training. He took it very seriously, and gave it his all.
He was not able to reconnect with family or anyone upon returning home. Our lives had gone on in the four years he was gone, and he had to try to fit in OUR lives and find his place in society...yet he was sick, in many ways. There was NO WAY he could come home and succeed.
He has said more than once, "Mom, you have to admit, you all had happier lives before I came home with all my problems". He felt guilt over what his problems were doing to us.
Yes, his addiction and other problems made our lives difficult and stressful. It WAS easier before he came home, and we WERE happier as a family. But, in this situation, IT WAS NOT HIS FAULT. So, though I understand the "taking care of ourselves" thing, and the "drawing the line at what we can and cannot accept" thing. But, my son who is ill, is wandering around feeling totally betrayed by his country and family. Yes, he has made choices, and one was not to accept help. But his distrust and protecting his problems began while in the military, and were not going to go to away by themselves upon returning home. What is the solution in situations like this?
I tried having him committed, which he said he will never forgive me for, and the VA did not keep him. Are there people trained in talking to guys like my son, who are expert at getting the "wounded soldiers" into help? I know he would not agree willingly to go anywhere again.
This truly is how our veterans end up homeless and mentally ill. This is why they commit suicide. And while we can now have our peaceful lives back again, is it really the right thing to do?
I am really having a hard time with this...in fact harder every day. There is a strange quiet over our house, where no one seems to be experiencing the "relief" of having our lives back. Instead, there's an unspoken guilt perhaps, and sense that we betrayed our own, just as the military did in his case.
I'm sorry to be rambling on and creating such long posts, but I just have a growing, nagging feeling that perhaps this was not right.
Any more words of wisdom, as I appreciate each and every response so much.
Here's the thing that I am having a hard time with...my son possibly has a traumatic brain injury. When he was renedered unconscious by a blow to the head, the AF should have had him airlifted to a hospital. They didn't. Instead it was ignored and denied. Then, when he did go to the "mental health" for help, he was given addictive meds...and other meds that could be contraindicated with a TBI, if that's what he has. Everything spiraled downhill. Thus, he did have a full blown seizure. I'm not sure if he was "debriefed", as he was unstable when sent home. So, he seems to be still in the mode of all that "classified information" stuff, and denies everything and will admit to nothing. He was sent home addicted, and sick, without his brain having been fully evaluated. I don't think they wanted to address a possible injury, as I said, because I think they didn't want to keep him and have to treat him. They didn't know what to do with him, since his squadron deployed without him. They wanted him out.
This was a young man who graduated top of his class in all of his courses and three years of training. He took it very seriously, and gave it his all.
He was not able to reconnect with family or anyone upon returning home. Our lives had gone on in the four years he was gone, and he had to try to fit in OUR lives and find his place in society...yet he was sick, in many ways. There was NO WAY he could come home and succeed.
He has said more than once, "Mom, you have to admit, you all had happier lives before I came home with all my problems". He felt guilt over what his problems were doing to us.
Yes, his addiction and other problems made our lives difficult and stressful. It WAS easier before he came home, and we WERE happier as a family. But, in this situation, IT WAS NOT HIS FAULT. So, though I understand the "taking care of ourselves" thing, and the "drawing the line at what we can and cannot accept" thing. But, my son who is ill, is wandering around feeling totally betrayed by his country and family. Yes, he has made choices, and one was not to accept help. But his distrust and protecting his problems began while in the military, and were not going to go to away by themselves upon returning home. What is the solution in situations like this?
I tried having him committed, which he said he will never forgive me for, and the VA did not keep him. Are there people trained in talking to guys like my son, who are expert at getting the "wounded soldiers" into help? I know he would not agree willingly to go anywhere again.
This truly is how our veterans end up homeless and mentally ill. This is why they commit suicide. And while we can now have our peaceful lives back again, is it really the right thing to do?
I am really having a hard time with this...in fact harder every day. There is a strange quiet over our house, where no one seems to be experiencing the "relief" of having our lives back. Instead, there's an unspoken guilt perhaps, and sense that we betrayed our own, just as the military did in his case.
I'm sorry to be rambling on and creating such long posts, but I just have a growing, nagging feeling that perhaps this was not right.
Any more words of wisdom, as I appreciate each and every response so much.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
do you have a local Disabled American Veteran's chapter there? I would do some research and see if you can find one. Someone there may be able to help.
In my own battle with my AH and PTSD, I can tell you there isn't much for family members as far as counselors. I did the searching, phone calls, etc. No one would talk to me without AH with me, or him at least giving permission.
In my own battle with my AH and PTSD, I can tell you there isn't much for family members as far as counselors. I did the searching, phone calls, etc. No one would talk to me without AH with me, or him at least giving permission.
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