i stopped using bf hasnt
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Cleveland, Oh
Posts: 22
i stopped using bf hasnt
How the hell am I suppose to stay strong when he comes home high. It's like he throwing it in my face he dont care - i broke up with him so ex bf - still have to ride the lease out which is 10 more months.
I have 78 days clean and dont wanna fall back - ex makes it hard. What can I do when meetings are not avail? I separate myself and tell myself there is nothing I can do.
I have 78 days clean and dont wanna fall back - ex makes it hard. What can I do when meetings are not avail? I separate myself and tell myself there is nothing I can do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 48
Congratulations on 78 days!!! I'm sure there are others here who are in or have been in a similar situation but I agree with Maryjan, perhaps if a lease is standing between you and recovery, get out of the lease! Surely your landlord would understand a breakup situation and try to work with you so it's a win win solution? I was a landlord for a number of years and I understood that stuff happens and sometimes you have to work with your tenants to help another human.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Sorry to hear that -- recovery is hard enough without that! 10 months is a long time. The point of a lease from a landlord's perspective is mostly about being able to know when a tenant might leave in time to line up another. I bet if you explained it to him or her, they'd be willing to start looking now. Any reasonable person would. And an unreasonable person might start looking, too, simply because the mention of substance abuse might get them worried about their own self-interests...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 279
Talk to your landlord; talk to your ex. Can he move out and you can get a roommate? Can you move out and he can get a roommate? Can one of you afford the rent alone? Can you both move out, and your landlord can find a new tenant? People break leases all the time; it is a matter of our landlord getting a new tenant; which surely won't take 10 months.
I feel for your situation. My spouse drinks. He doesn't drink constantly or throw it in my face; but it would be so much easier for me if he wanted to be sober to. Ultimately, you can only control whether or not you drink/use; what other people do is out of your hands.
I feel for your situation. My spouse drinks. He doesn't drink constantly or throw it in my face; but it would be so much easier for me if he wanted to be sober to. Ultimately, you can only control whether or not you drink/use; what other people do is out of your hands.
Ozone Ranger
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Dazed and confused
Posts: 138
If you are serious enough to try anything to stay sober, go to AA. Put together a strong support group there, get a sponsor and follow directions. It sounds like you are surviving by "white knuckling it." There aren't that many success stories of folks trying to recover that way. At least I don't consider ongoing relapse any form of recovery. It then is basically a contest of how long you can hold your breath before you give in or black out.
There is no reason in the world to be attempting to arrest a life threatening illness on your own. We are poorly equipped to combat something as powerful and insidious as alcoholism. Get some help and support.
There is no reason in the world to be attempting to arrest a life threatening illness on your own. We are poorly equipped to combat something as powerful and insidious as alcoholism. Get some help and support.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Hi Naydeen,
Congratulations on having 78 days sober.
Is there anything you can do to get out of the lease, or possibly sublet your part of the lease? It sounds like a very unhealthy situation for you.
Congratulations on having 78 days sober.
Is there anything you can do to get out of the lease, or possibly sublet your part of the lease? It sounds like a very unhealthy situation for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Cleveland, Oh
Posts: 22
Hi all and thx for responses.
Thing with the lease - the apt is through his family. They don't care for me much and will side with him no matter what so i feel stuck. I could see about getting someone to take my portion of the lease because I know it's not a "healthy" enviroment I am in now.
He laughed at me today when I asked if he would please be more respectful in coming home high and laughed and said what do I have to stay outside? Another words he doesnt care.
I been through alot this past yr and just recently the death of my grandmother - so all these temptations around me are hard. It's the way I coped for 27yrs. I am trying to face things differently this time - ride the pain out not numb it - because overtime it just hurt me even more and others as well. I am trying to get my life on track.
Thing with the lease - the apt is through his family. They don't care for me much and will side with him no matter what so i feel stuck. I could see about getting someone to take my portion of the lease because I know it's not a "healthy" enviroment I am in now.
He laughed at me today when I asked if he would please be more respectful in coming home high and laughed and said what do I have to stay outside? Another words he doesnt care.
I been through alot this past yr and just recently the death of my grandmother - so all these temptations around me are hard. It's the way I coped for 27yrs. I am trying to face things differently this time - ride the pain out not numb it - because overtime it just hurt me even more and others as well. I am trying to get my life on track.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi naydeen
I agree with those who say sublet your lease if possible - I've walked out of leases before too if it comes to that- just make sure you have something set up to go to
In the meantime tho - lean on us - you'll always find support here 24/7
Welcome to SR
D
I agree with those who say sublet your lease if possible - I've walked out of leases before too if it comes to that- just make sure you have something set up to go to
In the meantime tho - lean on us - you'll always find support here 24/7
Welcome to SR
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Cleveland, Oh
Posts: 22
Going to check into subletting it or just walk away. I need to stay strong and being around my ex is only hurting me. Right now this is about me - not selfish at all - being clean is best gift i can give myself. Feels good having clarity and actually feeling **** for once as painful as somethings are at the moment and feeling to the good as well - i missed out on way to much being high. I took alot for granted!!
I need to get into some meetings. I have done some phone ones but i know I need to step it up and do others and get a sponser. Need to find me some mtgs for tomorrow
ya'll have a good night!
I need to get into some meetings. I have done some phone ones but i know I need to step it up and do others and get a sponser. Need to find me some mtgs for tomorrow
ya'll have a good night!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Glad to see the update Naydeen!
I found when I was married to my ex that his issues somehow would affect me and I would return right back to hole. Truth was - I wasn't focused on me and I was allowing things around me to become excuses to drink.
You got this and all those beautiful sober days in recovery to motivate you. I have faced much in my recovery but not one darn thing swayed me nor kept me from maintaining my focus on me. When I do face things that are frustrating or concern me....I reach out to my face to face support or here at SR. Just sharing and or venting as you are doing helped me many a time. Especially as I was getting a good foothold in recovery. Throughout my early recovery I found each thing that happened to only strengthen me and add to my experience.
Now.....anything can happen and I know what to do for help and nothing will come between me and this life that I finally am enjoying. Something very simple is at the foundation of my recovery. I will not drink. Just not even something I think about anymore and each day that passed and month.....well it just became part of living.
So happy you posted! This is exactly what leaning on our support is about the way I see it.
Keep it going. We can only help ourselves my friend!!
I found when I was married to my ex that his issues somehow would affect me and I would return right back to hole. Truth was - I wasn't focused on me and I was allowing things around me to become excuses to drink.
You got this and all those beautiful sober days in recovery to motivate you. I have faced much in my recovery but not one darn thing swayed me nor kept me from maintaining my focus on me. When I do face things that are frustrating or concern me....I reach out to my face to face support or here at SR. Just sharing and or venting as you are doing helped me many a time. Especially as I was getting a good foothold in recovery. Throughout my early recovery I found each thing that happened to only strengthen me and add to my experience.
Now.....anything can happen and I know what to do for help and nothing will come between me and this life that I finally am enjoying. Something very simple is at the foundation of my recovery. I will not drink. Just not even something I think about anymore and each day that passed and month.....well it just became part of living.
So happy you posted! This is exactly what leaning on our support is about the way I see it.
Keep it going. We can only help ourselves my friend!!
Last edited by Kmber2010; 01-10-2011 at 01:00 AM. Reason: typos
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 395
Subletting is a good idea, if you are allowed to do it. It might be up to the lease that you signed.
You may also want to look into your rights as a tenant. Columbus, Ohio does offer free legal service for Housing (you may have to qualify, but you can look into it).
Columbus AIDS Task Force 1500 West Third Avenue Suite 329 Columbus OH 43212 Phone: 614-488-2432Fax: 614-487-5962
FREE Legal Aid Ohio STATE
Under Ohio law, your ex-boyfriend's family has to evict anyone who engages in a controlled substance activity. If they have knowledge or if you have proof that he is using a controlled substance, then he has to leave. You could play this card or you could use it as leverage. If you do play this card, then you might have to go to court and you may not want to. Nonetheless, it is a card to play.
Ohio Tenant-Landlord Law
Additionally, you may want to check out the Friends and Family forums of alcoholics and addicts. People over there will help you deal with an active user in your life. They have some very good advice and experience.
Bests,
You may also want to look into your rights as a tenant. Columbus, Ohio does offer free legal service for Housing (you may have to qualify, but you can look into it).
Columbus AIDS Task Force 1500 West Third Avenue Suite 329 Columbus OH 43212 Phone: 614-488-2432Fax: 614-487-5962
FREE Legal Aid Ohio STATE
Under Ohio law, your ex-boyfriend's family has to evict anyone who engages in a controlled substance activity. If they have knowledge or if you have proof that he is using a controlled substance, then he has to leave. You could play this card or you could use it as leverage. If you do play this card, then you might have to go to court and you may not want to. Nonetheless, it is a card to play.
In 1990, the Landlord Tenant Act was amended. A landlord is now required to start an eviction action against a tenant if the landlord has actual knowledge or "reasonable cause to believe" that the tenant, any member of the tenant's household or any person on the premises with the consent of the tenant is engaged in or engaged in the past in a violation of a criminal law involving controlled substances.
A tenant may be evicted if the drug involved is marijuana, cocaine or some other illegal drug. There is also no distinction made between the use, possession or sale of drugs. Use, possession or sale of drugs by any household member or guest in the rental unit can result in eviction.
A tenant may be evicted if the drug involved is marijuana, cocaine or some other illegal drug. There is also no distinction made between the use, possession or sale of drugs. Use, possession or sale of drugs by any household member or guest in the rental unit can result in eviction.
Additionally, you may want to check out the Friends and Family forums of alcoholics and addicts. People over there will help you deal with an active user in your life. They have some very good advice and experience.
Bests,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Cleveland, Oh
Posts: 22
Thanks everyone for all the support. I am hanging in there. Did a few phone meetings today as it is hard for me to get around. The phone line is a god send for us - especially people who can't leave their homes, disabilities - NA has really evolved Glad to know i can pick that phone up if I cant find anything close by to help keep me focused in my recovery.
Antiderivative,
Thank you for all the legal links. I am in cleveland I am sure I can find something in there for this area. good to know I have some options and don't feel so stuck. I hate to play hard ball but it's my life he can ruin his i'm trying to rebuild mine.
Mucho gracias
Glad to know i can pick that phone up if I cant find anything close by to help keep me focused in my recovery.Antiderivative,
Thank you for all the legal links. I am in cleveland I am sure I can find something in there for this area. good to know I have some options and don't feel so stuck. I hate to play hard ball but it's my life he can ruin his i'm trying to rebuild mine.
Mucho gracias
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Cleveland, Oh
Posts: 22
I understand my ex (why he's my ex) and I broke but he wants to test me.
Now the passing of my grandmother came as a shock. My grandmother had alzheimers so not much a shock should I say. The family kept me away over the past 6 yrs not related to drugs it was more of a sick power trip. Family was as cruel as to not call and let me know. I found out 12days after the fact and did not even get to goto her funeral. I can not even begin to explain the anger I had with that.
My bf saw how that devastated me. He swore he would be there for me. He also swore when I said I can't have drugs around me now this is how I have coped with the pain. Yes he lied about that - as he was actively using. I went through holidays and I was a wreak missing my gram. The once we get past the holidays here comes my mothers anniversary in when she passed and my 40th bday. Which are back to back days moms anniversary then my bday. Still hurting...right around then I felt like something was going on confronted BF - yes I am using. There goes trust right out the window - also re-opened some other wounds since trust was broken of cheating. Day of my mom anniversary he was cold and distant. The day of bday - now mind you we dont celebrate 40 that often. He comes home and go to sleep he works 2nd shift and i know he is tired but i hung out day of my bday til almost 4pm - mind u tried to wake him and nada and i was like eff it i'm going out. Thats when it came to me with the lies, not being there to support me through the loss, and just flat out no consideration for me - thats when I said we are done. 40's is suppose to be start of your life - and i didnt want to bring my 30's issues back in. My bday was sat - this past monday rolls around and he sets alarm to get up because he has to go with his family and he takes off and doesnt come back til next day. I cant be mad at him and I wasnt we were broken up..now yesterday he had day off from work again this big desire to spend with his family and he didnt come home again. I'm not buying it he all of a sudden taking showers more frequently and what not....so just leads me to believe he is and was cheating during this whole time - which hurts me that much more its messing with my head and the pain is just too much...i dont have alot of time under my belt and to be honest I do want to use to numb this pain its too much... sorry needed to vent some
Now the passing of my grandmother came as a shock. My grandmother had alzheimers so not much a shock should I say. The family kept me away over the past 6 yrs not related to drugs it was more of a sick power trip. Family was as cruel as to not call and let me know. I found out 12days after the fact and did not even get to goto her funeral. I can not even begin to explain the anger I had with that.
My bf saw how that devastated me. He swore he would be there for me. He also swore when I said I can't have drugs around me now this is how I have coped with the pain. Yes he lied about that - as he was actively using. I went through holidays and I was a wreak missing my gram. The once we get past the holidays here comes my mothers anniversary in when she passed and my 40th bday. Which are back to back days moms anniversary then my bday. Still hurting...right around then I felt like something was going on confronted BF - yes I am using. There goes trust right out the window - also re-opened some other wounds since trust was broken of cheating. Day of my mom anniversary he was cold and distant. The day of bday - now mind you we dont celebrate 40 that often. He comes home and go to sleep he works 2nd shift and i know he is tired but i hung out day of my bday til almost 4pm - mind u tried to wake him and nada and i was like eff it i'm going out. Thats when it came to me with the lies, not being there to support me through the loss, and just flat out no consideration for me - thats when I said we are done. 40's is suppose to be start of your life - and i didnt want to bring my 30's issues back in. My bday was sat - this past monday rolls around and he sets alarm to get up because he has to go with his family and he takes off and doesnt come back til next day. I cant be mad at him and I wasnt we were broken up..now yesterday he had day off from work again this big desire to spend with his family and he didnt come home again. I'm not buying it he all of a sudden taking showers more frequently and what not....so just leads me to believe he is and was cheating during this whole time - which hurts me that much more its messing with my head and the pain is just too much...i dont have alot of time under my belt and to be honest I do want to use to numb this pain its too much... sorry needed to vent some
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Naydeen, I am sure this is a rough time for you but you need to focus on yourself here and moving beyond this. The relationship has ended so consuming yourself with what he is doing and all of that is not good for you. i don't really think he is testing you here but back using and you are still in that situation.
How did you make out with meetings? Also, have you found someone or place to stay with.
I really think if at all possible you need to get yourself out of that environment.....it is very unhealthy. Keep working on that.
We are here so keep reading and sharing.....lots of great input and support here as well as through our family/friends forum.
You are what matters here Your recovery is most important.
How did you make out with meetings? Also, have you found someone or place to stay with.
I really think if at all possible you need to get yourself out of that environment.....it is very unhealthy. Keep working on that.
We are here so keep reading and sharing.....lots of great input and support here as well as through our family/friends forum.
You are what matters here
Your recovery is most important.
Last edited by Kmber2010; 01-14-2011 at 06:57 AM. Reason: typos....
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I agree - that environment sounds unhealthy to me naydeen.
You absolutely need to focus on yourself and your recovery here - anything else is wasted energy right now.
How are the meetings going?
I didn't mention it before - I was remiss - but my condolences on your grandmothers passing
D
You absolutely need to focus on yourself and your recovery here - anything else is wasted energy right now.
How are the meetings going?
I didn't mention it before - I was remiss - but my condolences on your grandmothers passing
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 59
If you didn't sign the lease, walk.
If you signed the lease, walk, let them drag you to small claims, tell the Judge you cannot live in a house with with a drug addict or drug environment. It directly effects your health, safety, and well being.
Leases get broken thousands of times a day. If you lose and have to pay, then pay, if you don't have money they can't draw blood from stone.
Walk.
If you signed the lease, walk, let them drag you to small claims, tell the Judge you cannot live in a house with with a drug addict or drug environment. It directly effects your health, safety, and well being.
Leases get broken thousands of times a day. If you lose and have to pay, then pay, if you don't have money they can't draw blood from stone.
Walk.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Cleveland, Oh
Posts: 22
Hi
I haven't been around much and happy to say:
1) 156 clean
2) got out of that relationship and my own place
Feels good to be free finally - now time to focus on me more!!
Thx
naydeen
I haven't been around much and happy to say:
1) 156 clean
2) got out of that relationship and my own place
Feels good to be free finally - now time to focus on me more!!
Thx
naydeen
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