lulu1974

Hello my SR Family!!!

I wanted to share an experience.

I dated someone very short term a few months ago and at first I thought he was the most amazing person I ever met. He was so sweet and funny and communicative. Or so I thought. When things started to sour, I knew I needed to detach and walk away. I didnt like some things he had said and our schedules conflicted. So I told him I didnt think it would work. Well. He got really mad and basically said mean things and called me names. I walked away feeling pretty bad and not knowing how to take it.

I ran into his friend a couple of weeks ago and I realized I had unresolved issues and I was hoping time would make me forget him but that wasnt happening. I have a fear of rejection so its hard for me to put my guard down. But a wise friend and I discussed it at length and I realized maybe I did need to reach out to him. This way once and for all based on how he responded I would know if he said those things in the heat of the moment or if was just a jerk.

I sent him a short text saying I knew things ended badly but I wanted to wish him a happy new year. Now its been months of any contact. And no I dont think he is an A but who knows. He responded back pretty much the same as last time..Insulting me and calling me a name. Finally, I responded back and said my peace in a really mature and healthy way. I said I was sorry he felt that way and I was wondering my he was so angry with me considering nothing happened. I told him it would be big of him to stop calling me names and that I had hoped we could have parted as friends.

No response which is fine with me. I said what I had to say. I got my answers and realized he is just an ugly person on the inside with an issue with woman in my opinion. It really made me glad to be the person I am. I may be codependent and naive at times but I have a good heart and I dont try to make myself feel better by putting others down. I dont want to hurt others or myself.

The reason I needed to know this is because the last 3 guys in my life were all pretty ****** and I needed to know if he was too. Because originally I thought he was great and treated me really well and then "boom". He changed. It was a really really good learning experience for me. Next time I wont question the first red flag i.e., when a guy insults me and calls me names. LOL. I will high tail it out of there without another glance.

He of course also added that I should keep his name out of his mouth and that made me think. I only had one conversation with his friend a few weeks ago so I texted his friend and asked him if he was repeating what I said. He told me that Jack came to him because someone saw us talking and wanted to know what happened (his friend and I were at the diner and their mutual friend saw us) and what was said and if anything was going on between us. I find that pretty funny. I said nothing much about him but he was trying to pry into my life. It doesnt matter. I got up the nerve to get some closure and I did. I dont have to wonder what if anymore.

I did the right thing. I feel free to move on without any regrets. And happy it ended before any real damage was done.

Thanks for listening.

Hugs
Lulu

Learn2Live

I am glad you got that out of your system LuLu. I have gotten to a point where I realize that when a relationship with someone else does not work, when I walk away from dealing with a person feeling badly, that is not a judgment or reflection on or about ME. It just means we don't click. But some people will always act like that, point their finger at me and try to get me to believe that I am the ****** up one. What is scary is my persistence in dealing with those people over and over in order to feel better about myself. But guess what? It never happens! So why do I keep coming back for more, expecting different results? I think it's because I am too self conscious sometimes and get my feelings about myself from what OTHER people say to me, say about me, and how they treat me.

More and more I am able to say, "This just doesn't work" and then let it go without blaming anyone, or judging anyone, or giving the other person the opportunity to blame me. I am better able to turn around, let them be who they are, and walk away.

Thanks for sharing and reminding me of this important work I need to continue to do for myself.

lulu1974

L2L...I couldnt have this this better myself. I was letting their opinion affect how I felt about myself. Even though I knew I shouldnt I couldnt reconcile it in my head. I did have to go back for more of his abuse before it actually clicked in my head. I had to dissect it and get the facts. Look at myself , look at him and then make the realization. I very much wanted to just walk away a few months ago and let it go and be able to not let it affect me but I am not at that point yet. Hopefully a I recover more and work on myself I will become better at this.

Thanks for sharing L2L!
xoxo
Eva

fourmaggie

oh boy! did I EVER get this thread...more of a awaking for me and my STINKING THINKING....

Learn2Live

I have driven myself nearly insane trying to get other people to treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated. I would do all sorts of crazy, dramatic things, yell, scream, cry, and continue to go back for more. I am too embarrassed to type some of the desperate behaviors I would do in order to get what I wanted from others. And I was sober most of those times!! Sooner or later I realized it was always within me to get the peace I needed for my soul. Love ya Lu

Jazzman

Good for you Lulu. May I make an observation on this comment..
In my mind there is no difference here. If he got nasty, then he's a jerk. I wouldn't minimize this by using the heat of the moment excuse. I think the heat of the moment is when people drop their filter and show their true selves.

StarCat

Absolutely!

Lulu, you just described the very beginning of my abusive relationship with G. He was the best, sweetest, always taking me places I never would have gone on my own, wanting to spend time with me whenever I wanted, he drew me in... But when I discovered what he was, it was already too late.
Abusers don't have to be alcoholic, alcohol just makes the abusing worse when they're drunk. Also, verbal/emotional abuse is where it starts, and it doesn't have to get physical to be abuse. That's something I have been learning the hard way.

Congratulations. Your "jerk filter" is working.

lulu1974

Thank you Jazzman. I think that was the biggest lesson I learned from this experience. I totally agree going forward!

Hugs
Lulu

lulu1974

Thank you for your support Starcat! I am just really proud of myself for being brave enough to ask questions and see exactly what he was. I finally stopped tormenting myself and went after the truth. I learned so many valuable lessons from this and next time I hope to be able to see what is going on by trusting my gut and remembering what my experiences were.

There is no excuse for verbal abuse. EVER.

Hugs,
Lulu

CSHNow

I am still struggling with a similar heartbreak that occurred to me in October. I asked for closure and or to simply go back to friendship, but all I received was another curt rejection. I still don't know what exactly went wrong and why he suddenly went cold and turned on me. It does nothing for selfesteem to always be wondering what you said or did that was such a turn off when nothing comes to mind. I am slowly beginning to realize and accept that the problem was not mine and that he has issues that were never discussed or disclosed. Little by little I am getting used to the reality that there are simply some people out there who are like Jekyl and Hyde. It has been a very valuable lesson and I am grateful to him for that. I will not be giving my heart and soul away again so lightly and leaving myself vulnerable even if they are Prince Charming, as he initially came across. It's important to keep an open mind I know, but boundaries must be in place until trust is assured.

wicked

I hear you, CSHnow, this has happened to me, and my first question to myself was
"what did i do wrong"
instead of
What is wrong with him? If he can't be a true gentleman, I do not want him.

always a work in progress, but others are no longer my "projects".

Beth

CSHNow

Yes thank you for the affirmation. I try to live by that old expression from the movies or TV, can't recall who or where, but it is " If you don't like what you see then don't get it" because in the past I would turn myself inside out trying to appease others and "BE" whatever I thought they wanted me to be and it just never worked. This last situation was quite possibly a case where he had imagined me to be other than I am and when reality became clear then he wasn't man enough to say so and or realized his mistake and couldn't gracefully tell me so. See I am still trying to figure out someone else's motivations and it's really not possible. I think now that the least I would do if it was the other way around would be to say something like " Sorry this isn't working for me" Back to the books for me. Time to Let go and Let GOD. I am still trying to get others to behave the way I think they should. You know....consideration, decency, manners,!

Babyblue

It isn't your problem, it is theirs if they are going to act like jerks and little kids.

You know that you tried to handle it in a mature way and people do show their true colors when they feel hurt or slighted.

You just got to know who this person REALLY was and better sooner than later.

It is hard because we think that everyone should be like us or respond as we do but they don't.

Some people handle things far better than I do, that I will acknowledge. When I get hurt I lash out. But it is a reflection of my own pain and self pity.

I think of all the time I wasted trying to change someone or thinking that my love would be enough.

HA!

Some people are just emotionally stunted and no amount of understanding will change it.

lillamy

I read somewhere last week a quote that said something along the lines of "the first time you get married is like the first time you buy a house: You say 'nice exterior' and sign the contract. The second time, you immediately start wondering if there are termites in the basement."

I've been worrying about not being sensitive enough to termites in the basement in my next relationship. And worried about seeing termites where there are none. I think the only way we learn how to have a normal relationship is by trial and error, and by re-learning to listen to that gut instinct that says "RUN!!!!" whether it's to or from another person...

Learn2Live

When I became aware that I habitually judge the other people in my relationships (ALL relationships...love relationships, family relationships, work relationships, etc), I was able to work on inhibiting myself from judging others (or at least it made me able to start working on not doing that...I'm not perfect obviously).

What that taught me is that judging others and judging myself go hand-in-hand. If I want to feel better about myself, I have to start feeling better about others. I don't think there is any way to separate the two. I have to be vigilant about what I allow my brain to think. Sounds weird and maybe there is something wrong with MY brain, but it's true and I have to accept that about myself. One rule I TRY to live by is to Expect the BEST possible motivations in others.

I am quite sure that the habit of my brain to immediately judge others came from growing up in an alcoholic home. It's how alcoholic's THINK and that kind of thinking permeates EVERYONE who is around the alcoholic.

When I think about this I realize Jesus was a genius. How well he knew me and what I needed, even 2000+ years ago. I wish I had started paying attention to the things he said when I was much younger. I think I would have felt much better about myself all these decades.

Thanks for listening.

lulu1974

So well said Babyblue. Its true. I have expectations of how others react or should be. This is where I need to look at a situation and accept reality. Not what could be but present moment reality. It is what it is. No magical thinking anymore for me.

Hugs
Lulu

TakingCharge999

Accepting reality is tough ! but it is the ticket to freedom.....

posiesperson

Lulu,

I had almost the exact same thing happen, except that I just cut ties TODAY. It hurt. Still does. But you know what? Your sharing in this post has helped me so much.

Thank you for sharing your story, and thanks to everyone who responded. This is the magic of SR.

I don't have any ES&H to offer to you tonight, but I wanted to say thank you for your post.

Gratefully,
posie

lulu1974

Hi Posie,

I am sorry this happened to you as well. Its hurts when someone verbally abuses you. Not everyone knows how to handle themselves respectfully and that is a shame. Talking about it really helped me.

Hugs
Eva