Saliena

As an alcoholic it was amazing to me that I could convince myself that noone understood why I drank. They handn’t been through the struggles I had! They couldn’t possibly understand what it is to be abandoned, lost, alone, confused, and only the bottle to turn to for a friend… or a drug to take the pain away. How could anyway ever know EXACTLY what it was I was doing and why. I was so EMO…

Oy… now as I sit here at 36 and recovering I sit back and laugh at the stupidity of my situation. People didn’t understand because I didn’t give them the chance to understand. I always thought I was sooooo good at sneaking around with my drinking that my husband never knew. He always knew. My situation wasn’t so different then any other person in an AA meeting. The tragedies that happened to me didn’t make me into the super party girl that I was in my head. It made me into a pathetic creature that could deal with her feelings so she had to hide from them behind the bottle or a drug.

I am grateful today that I have the chance to start knowing myself and to be able to sit with myself. I don’t have to see myself as an outsider anymore. I mean you know that stuff is cool when you are 17 and NOBODY fits into their own skin. But, here I am at 36 … and I truly finally for the first time in a very long time fit.

Not sure why I wanted to post this. I guess it is just my thought for the day.