Scary realization.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: new orleans, la.
Posts: 3
Scary realization.
Hello everyone. I don't know where to start really, but I feel this is a step in the right direction.
Since 16 I have been drinking at least every other week to once a month. The older I got, and the more freedom I got, the more I drank. I went to parties, bars, shows, raves, etc... I always drank way more than anybody else and most every time, I did something to embarrass myself or my friends.
I have drank to the point of overdosing and having to have an adrenaline shot to the heart to revive me.
I have jumped out of moving cars, been arrested for domestic violence, gone home with strangers, driven drunk, stolen a friends car and wrecked it... and after each instance I have told myself, "Okay, you survived this... but this is your wake-up call. So WAKE UP!"
I would stop drinking for a couple weeks, and then just get bored. The thought of having a serious problem was just something I could not accept.
9 months ago I moved out of my apartment with my boyfriend and father of my 2 year old little girl. I made a decision to move away from a relationship I no longer wanted to be in: the relationship with my then boyfriend, and the one with alcohol.
I got back in to school, moved my daughter in to a much healthier life and felt very proud of myself for making the right decisions.
But I still continued to go out and "celebrate" my wise-decisions, by making poor decisions. Make sense? Didn't think so!
During the week I was a great mom, an A student and a very happy person. On the weekends, when my daughter was with grandma and I was visiting with my new boyfriend (who doesn't drink or do drugs), I would go back to my old ways.
My boyfriend didn't know I had a problem with over-indulging. He thought it was "cute" that I liked to drink a 12 pack and watch Jersey Shore.
Of course, he began to see a pattern, and on September 18th, after one of my worst nights of being overly intoxicated, he gave me an ultimatum. He not only did it for us, but for me and my daughter and my future.
I haven't drank anything since September 18th, 2010. I just stopped drinking and for a while it was okay. I was okay with it. I even felt relief.
I still wasn't facing the big problem. When I would want to go drink, I would get angry. I would resent my boyfriend for not "letting" me drink. I manipulated him in to saying, "Look we can work towards you having a drink or two, but for right now, the way you're acting and obsessing over it, I just don't think it's a good idea."
So I held on to that thought, "If I'm good, I will be able to drink moderately like a normal person."
When I'm completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I am not a normal person. I should NEVER drink, whether it's one or 20. I just can't do it. I have a problem with alcohol and it's not something I can fix.
Sure I've been sober for going on 4 months... but how do I come to terms with the fact that I won't be able to drink ever again? How do I get rid of the anger and move on?
At times, I can NOT imagine how somebody leads a life without escaping reality at least once in a while, whether it's drinking, smoking pot, taking xanax... I just can't fathom dealing with the everyday stress of life without having some way to escape from it.
Not drinking is a good start, but I need to start dealing with why I feel the need to drink. Why does it play such a big role in my life?
I know I need to talk to a therapist and I am working towards that.
Nobody else I know has a problem like I do, which makes it embarrassing and extremely hard to talk about to other people. They don't understand the anger and shame and disgust I feel.
I know the steps to take, and I've taken some of them. Now I have to face up and figure out how to live my life without alcohol for good. I have to figure out how to deal with the depression and urges. Some days I feel great and on top of the world. Some days, I just get angry that I have this problem to being with. All the wishing and complaining won't make it go away.
I just have to deal with it. I guess this is the acceptance period? I don't know, I'm new to recovery. In the last week I've realized that not drinking is only half the battle. The rest of it comes from accepting the fact that you can't drink ever, and figuring out a way to deal with the emotions stemming from that realization.
Thanks for taking the time to read, I haven't really done this thing before, but living in denial isn't getting me anywhere! I think this is a good step, being able to relate to other people with very similar problems.
Any advice is more than welcome and appreciated!
Since 16 I have been drinking at least every other week to once a month. The older I got, and the more freedom I got, the more I drank. I went to parties, bars, shows, raves, etc... I always drank way more than anybody else and most every time, I did something to embarrass myself or my friends.
I have drank to the point of overdosing and having to have an adrenaline shot to the heart to revive me.
I have jumped out of moving cars, been arrested for domestic violence, gone home with strangers, driven drunk, stolen a friends car and wrecked it... and after each instance I have told myself, "Okay, you survived this... but this is your wake-up call. So WAKE UP!"
I would stop drinking for a couple weeks, and then just get bored. The thought of having a serious problem was just something I could not accept.
9 months ago I moved out of my apartment with my boyfriend and father of my 2 year old little girl. I made a decision to move away from a relationship I no longer wanted to be in: the relationship with my then boyfriend, and the one with alcohol.
I got back in to school, moved my daughter in to a much healthier life and felt very proud of myself for making the right decisions.
But I still continued to go out and "celebrate" my wise-decisions, by making poor decisions. Make sense? Didn't think so!
During the week I was a great mom, an A student and a very happy person. On the weekends, when my daughter was with grandma and I was visiting with my new boyfriend (who doesn't drink or do drugs), I would go back to my old ways.
My boyfriend didn't know I had a problem with over-indulging. He thought it was "cute" that I liked to drink a 12 pack and watch Jersey Shore.
Of course, he began to see a pattern, and on September 18th, after one of my worst nights of being overly intoxicated, he gave me an ultimatum. He not only did it for us, but for me and my daughter and my future.
I haven't drank anything since September 18th, 2010. I just stopped drinking and for a while it was okay. I was okay with it. I even felt relief.
I still wasn't facing the big problem. When I would want to go drink, I would get angry. I would resent my boyfriend for not "letting" me drink. I manipulated him in to saying, "Look we can work towards you having a drink or two, but for right now, the way you're acting and obsessing over it, I just don't think it's a good idea."
So I held on to that thought, "If I'm good, I will be able to drink moderately like a normal person."
When I'm completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I am not a normal person. I should NEVER drink, whether it's one or 20. I just can't do it. I have a problem with alcohol and it's not something I can fix.
Sure I've been sober for going on 4 months... but how do I come to terms with the fact that I won't be able to drink ever again? How do I get rid of the anger and move on?
At times, I can NOT imagine how somebody leads a life without escaping reality at least once in a while, whether it's drinking, smoking pot, taking xanax... I just can't fathom dealing with the everyday stress of life without having some way to escape from it.
Not drinking is a good start, but I need to start dealing with why I feel the need to drink. Why does it play such a big role in my life?
I know I need to talk to a therapist and I am working towards that.
Nobody else I know has a problem like I do, which makes it embarrassing and extremely hard to talk about to other people. They don't understand the anger and shame and disgust I feel.
I know the steps to take, and I've taken some of them. Now I have to face up and figure out how to live my life without alcohol for good. I have to figure out how to deal with the depression and urges. Some days I feel great and on top of the world. Some days, I just get angry that I have this problem to being with. All the wishing and complaining won't make it go away.
I just have to deal with it. I guess this is the acceptance period? I don't know, I'm new to recovery. In the last week I've realized that not drinking is only half the battle. The rest of it comes from accepting the fact that you can't drink ever, and figuring out a way to deal with the emotions stemming from that realization.
Thanks for taking the time to read, I haven't really done this thing before, but living in denial isn't getting me anywhere! I think this is a good step, being able to relate to other people with very similar problems.
Any advice is more than welcome and appreciated!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Western PA
Posts: 416
Welcome to SR Kat and congrats on almost 4 months. There are a lot of great people here with similar feelings and experiences willing to share their stories. I am almost a couple of months in and the "forever" thing is a big issue with me too. The more I get into it though, the easier it is becoming. Picking up some new hobbies and enjoying things sober is really helping. One day at a time really helps. It's an old cliche but really does work. Just choose not to drink today....none of us knows what the future holds so why worry about it. I am still working on it but living in the moment and being grateful for the things i do have is really helping. Good luck and keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: des moines ia
Posts: 362
WELCOME, What a wonderful and honest post ! Glad your here ! You will find many different approaches to our common goal here. The one thread that runs through them all is, no one has done it alone !! I had the same feelings, worries, and questions. I found my answers in AA. The important thing is you have taken an action by posting here. Keep reading and posting, you'll find your way.
All the best, Ron
All the best, Ron
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi Kat, welcome to SR and congrats on 4 months! Acceptance is often the hardest part thats why so many people just deal with it one day at a time (ODAAT). I accepted that I can't drink ever again by accepting that I am "allergic" to alcohol, just like if I were told that I was allergic to shellfish or peanuts and eating them would kill me of course I would not eat shellfish or peanuts, alcohol is what I'm allergic to.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Roxboro, NC
Posts: 544
Welcome! And thanks for sharing.
You will find lot's of support here. My only advice is to go to an AA meeting. If you don't feel comfortable with that pick up what they call the Big Book. It's titled Alcoholics Anonymous. Buy one of those and start reading from front to back.
"Nobody else I know has a problem like I do, which makes it embarrassing and extremely hard to talk about to other people. They don't understand the anger and shame and disgust I feel."
You will find stories in the BB that will blow your mind. Some with drinking problems that are far worse than anything I've been through. But I'm still an alcoholic.
You will find lot's of support here. My only advice is to go to an AA meeting. If you don't feel comfortable with that pick up what they call the Big Book. It's titled Alcoholics Anonymous. Buy one of those and start reading from front to back.
"Nobody else I know has a problem like I do, which makes it embarrassing and extremely hard to talk about to other people. They don't understand the anger and shame and disgust I feel."
You will find stories in the BB that will blow your mind. Some with drinking problems that are far worse than anything I've been through. But I'm still an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Kat,
Welcome and congratulations on your sobriety! Thanks for sharing your story - it reminds me a lot of mine (except that I am a guy). I can only say that AA absolutely helped me with the "stuff" that remains when you take alcohol out of your life. I didn't just drink; I was a drinker. It was a very real and significant (not in a good way, mind you) part of who I was. Stopping drinking and doing nothing else is like ripping your beating heart out and wondering why it's so tough to carry on.
AA worked for me. There are many other groups for those who have decided that alcohol can no longer be a part of their lives - I will let those that have used other groups/methods to advocate based on their experiences. But do yourself a favor, and avail yourself of others who are walking the same path. Its been a godsend for me.
Best of luck!
Welcome and congratulations on your sobriety! Thanks for sharing your story - it reminds me a lot of mine (except that I am a guy). I can only say that AA absolutely helped me with the "stuff" that remains when you take alcohol out of your life. I didn't just drink; I was a drinker. It was a very real and significant (not in a good way, mind you) part of who I was. Stopping drinking and doing nothing else is like ripping your beating heart out and wondering why it's so tough to carry on.
AA worked for me. There are many other groups for those who have decided that alcohol can no longer be a part of their lives - I will let those that have used other groups/methods to advocate based on their experiences. But do yourself a favor, and avail yourself of others who are walking the same path. Its been a godsend for me.
Best of luck!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,374
Welcome katfiona
I didn't know how I'd deal with not escaping either - escape was a fundamental part of my life...as it turns out, I really like my life and myself sober...there's nothing to escape from anymore
There are bad days and bad times and stresses...but there are ways to get through those and deal with the stress that don't involve me self-destructing.
For me the not drinking came first - once I got that under control I could start to deal with the other stuff.
Do follow through seeing that therapist - and I'll hope you'll keep posting here.
Welcome
D
I didn't know how I'd deal with not escaping either - escape was a fundamental part of my life...as it turns out, I really like my life and myself sober...there's nothing to escape from anymore
There are bad days and bad times and stresses...but there are ways to get through those and deal with the stress that don't involve me self-destructing.
For me the not drinking came first - once I got that under control I could start to deal with the other stuff.
Do follow through seeing that therapist - and I'll hope you'll keep posting here.
Welcome
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,531
katfiona - That was a terrific, heartfelt post. I hope you feel a bit better after getting all that out & sharing it. I agree with so much of what you said - especially towards the end! Thinking I could never make it without my "escape" from reality led me to drinking 24/7. I knew long ago I would never be a normal drinker, but kept lying to myself that I could actually moderate or control it. I can NOT - and almost died trying to prove it to myself.
I know just how you're feeling, but you can expect it to get better. It is still early days for you, and I remember the first year being very challenging. I needed to get through the holidays, vacations, etc. without my "friend" & constant companion by my side. I was a fish out of water, an alien - but that feeling changes, I promise. Please give yourself chance to experience life without getting numb - the resentment and bitterness will go away. I understand you feeling sorry for yourself at first, but honestly there's nothing but misery and tragedy ahead if you pick up again. You'll go through many stages as you come out into the sun once again - and this is just a rough patch. It won't stay this way.
We are all behind you, and are glad you joined us - please keep talking about this and you will begin to feel encouraged and hopeful.
I know just how you're feeling, but you can expect it to get better. It is still early days for you, and I remember the first year being very challenging. I needed to get through the holidays, vacations, etc. without my "friend" & constant companion by my side. I was a fish out of water, an alien - but that feeling changes, I promise. Please give yourself chance to experience life without getting numb - the resentment and bitterness will go away. I understand you feeling sorry for yourself at first, but honestly there's nothing but misery and tragedy ahead if you pick up again. You'll go through many stages as you come out into the sun once again - and this is just a rough patch. It won't stay this way.
We are all behind you, and are glad you joined us - please keep talking about this and you will begin to feel encouraged and hopeful.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oregon
Posts: 265
Welcome Kat and congrats on 4 months, that is huge and reaching out is going to be a key component to keeping it. There are lots of different support meetings, there is sure to be one that fits you best. I myself enjoy going to Celebrate Recovery. Great music, inspirational messages, useful tools for living in the real world and supportive friends. I can totally relate to your post. I quit once for almost 7 months, but I was doing it without a plan or support network. Getting sober was an interesting adventure for a while, but then I started getting bored with it and started subconsciously looking for good excuses to relapse. Once I did, I knew that didn't bring the satisfaction I'd hoped for either, but I was tired of trying for a while, so I just kept drinking and making half-hearted efforts whenever the mood struck me. That made me worse faster than all my previous years combined. I got my 2nd dui 12-02-10. Now I am court ordered not to drink or face double the trouble for at least the next 2 years. It is partly my alcoholic side making me behave so I can get this over with as fast as possible and go back to drinking unmonitored. Not worth slipping up a little and extending my sentence ya know! Luckily, I recognize that my alcoholism is just being "good" so it can continue and I can use these next two years to change my way of thinking and build a strong support system. I'd like to think I'm doing it simply because I have become enlightened, but heck, in reality, what else am I going to do during all this down time? Stay the same miserable person I was, only now without alcohol? Might as well become healthy and happy...sigh! Haha!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: new orleans, la.
Posts: 3
Wow, thank you guys. A lot of my friends in the real world don't see what I see, which is accomplishment.
It's a big help to be able to talk to people that know what I'm going through, and it made me cry reading all of the support you guys willingly give.
Thank you and I will continue to be here and stay active.
There is a way to enjoy life without alcohol. I used to be angry that I wouldn't be able to drink at my wedding, or my daughters wedding, or on vacation, and resent others that could handle drinking normally. But that isn't me and so what if I have to be an alcoholic? At least I'm a recovering one.
One part of not drinking that I thoroughly enjoy is knowing I am not going to do anything I don't want to do, because I'm too inebriated to make a rational decision. I am in control at all times, and that's one thing I really hated about alcohol: Losing control.
It's a big help to be able to talk to people that know what I'm going through, and it made me cry reading all of the support you guys willingly give.
Thank you and I will continue to be here and stay active.
There is a way to enjoy life without alcohol. I used to be angry that I wouldn't be able to drink at my wedding, or my daughters wedding, or on vacation, and resent others that could handle drinking normally. But that isn't me and so what if I have to be an alcoholic? At least I'm a recovering one.
One part of not drinking that I thoroughly enjoy is knowing I am not going to do anything I don't want to do, because I'm too inebriated to make a rational decision. I am in control at all times, and that's one thing I really hated about alcohol: Losing control.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome kat - I can relate to that desire to escape.... Life isn't easy! But I feel a lot better about myself these days because I really do want to be the best me possible, and I know alcohol is a really bad short-cut that creates a lot of problems.
I'm glad you're here and really enjoyed reading your post. You have a lot of insight. Keep going (one day at a time!):ghug3
I'm glad you're here and really enjoyed reading your post. You have a lot of insight. Keep going (one day at a time!):ghug3
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