Very upset
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Very upset
I am very upset today and need to let it out.
A little background-- this past July, my A's great and wonderful sister decided it would be a great idea to go on a driving trip to South Dakota. (we live in Chicago) I didn't want to go as A) no desire to go to SD(no offense intended to anys. Dakotans) and B)I waned to save vacation time to go see my family in Philadelphia for Thanksgiving(I have not seen them in 5 years) ..Anyway, my A thinks SD sonds great, so he and the kids go. t ended up costing about 2k.
As we were driving to PA, no special rush on planmaking. I sk him today wht he can get off to t'giving, and he informs me he has no vacation time left and can't go. He has 3 weeks vacation. 1 wek for SD. About 2 otherdays are legitimate. The other 8 days were taken off as he was on differing binges.
I am furious!!!! No consideration at all for my family!!! Also, am not happy that I will have to take the 14 hour each way drive by myself. I am scared . Does he hae no concern for his wife and daughters driving 1400 miles alone in November??? In the Medwest/Northeast??? Then when I told him I thought it sucked, he went on the offensive to me- well, I didn't want to go on vacation to Sd with them, why am I upset he "can't" go to PA wih me??
I mean, I m still going, but I am POd that he p*ssed off all his vacation time for boozing.
We're supposed to g to a b'day party for his nieces Saturday. I told him he had to get the cards and presents. If he can't show consideration for my family(who he not seen for OVER 5 years!), why should I knock myself out for his? anyway, they're all his boozo buddies, and never do anyhing for m. In fact they frequently exclude me from things. (not intentionally, but they rarely "think" to incude me in things.) However, since most everything they do includes alcohol, I'm rarely interested.
A little background-- this past July, my A's great and wonderful sister decided it would be a great idea to go on a driving trip to South Dakota. (we live in Chicago) I didn't want to go as A) no desire to go to SD(no offense intended to anys. Dakotans) and B)I waned to save vacation time to go see my family in Philadelphia for Thanksgiving(I have not seen them in 5 years) ..Anyway, my A thinks SD sonds great, so he and the kids go. t ended up costing about 2k.
As we were driving to PA, no special rush on planmaking. I sk him today wht he can get off to t'giving, and he informs me he has no vacation time left and can't go. He has 3 weeks vacation. 1 wek for SD. About 2 otherdays are legitimate. The other 8 days were taken off as he was on differing binges.
I am furious!!!! No consideration at all for my family!!! Also, am not happy that I will have to take the 14 hour each way drive by myself. I am scared . Does he hae no concern for his wife and daughters driving 1400 miles alone in November??? In the Medwest/Northeast??? Then when I told him I thought it sucked, he went on the offensive to me- well, I didn't want to go on vacation to Sd with them, why am I upset he "can't" go to PA wih me??
I mean, I m still going, but I am POd that he p*ssed off all his vacation time for boozing.
We're supposed to g to a b'day party for his nieces Saturday. I told him he had to get the cards and presents. If he can't show consideration for my family(who he not seen for OVER 5 years!), why should I knock myself out for his? anyway, they're all his boozo buddies, and never do anyhing for m. In fact they frequently exclude me from things. (not intentionally, but they rarely "think" to incude me in things.) However, since most everything they do includes alcohol, I'm rarely interested.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Well, the way I see it you can make yourself miserable cause hes a weasel or you can start lookin at the bright side of things.
Hes out of it, thats a fact. No matter how much you complain, things arent going to change. All youre doing is giving him the power to make you miserable. So take your power back.
Decide right now that you and the kids are gonna have a high old time without him. Your gonna have so muchfun hell be green with envy he didnt go.
You and your kids will have some fun bonding time together with no booze after effects.
And youll have a nice peaceful visit with your family. The way hes acting do you really want him with you?
Is it really that bad driving in November? If so can you fly? Fourteen hours is a long drive. Maybe you could break it up and stay in a motel. Pick a place that has something kewl for the kids to see. The biggest ball of twine, etc.
Hes out of it, thats a fact. No matter how much you complain, things arent going to change. All youre doing is giving him the power to make you miserable. So take your power back.
Decide right now that you and the kids are gonna have a high old time without him. Your gonna have so muchfun hell be green with envy he didnt go.
You and your kids will have some fun bonding time together with no booze after effects.
And youll have a nice peaceful visit with your family. The way hes acting do you really want him with you?
Is it really that bad driving in November? If so can you fly? Fourteen hours is a long drive. Maybe you could break it up and stay in a motel. Pick a place that has something kewl for the kids to see. The biggest ball of twine, etc.
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Thanks, C... Flying is too expensive- the cheapest I saw was 200/person, for 3 people it's 600, plus I'd have to rent a car anyway, as my sister is in NJ and I want to stay with her too..
I don't want him to come NOW, as he'll be patiently long suffering, and he'll get his own back sometime. It's too late for that anyway.
The trip is through some of Illinois,ALL of northern indiana and ohio, then most of PA. November can be iffy,weatherwise. We have sometimes stopped on the way,but then it's an extra expense that I don't need ..It depends when we leave, tho. I would prefer to leave around 3am and just go, but the girls have a competition sometime that weekend,I'm not sure when.
Plus they r just WILD to go!!!! They are nine, and their cousins are 14,13,12,9 and 9. All girls.
I don't want him to come NOW, as he'll be patiently long suffering, and he'll get his own back sometime. It's too late for that anyway.
The trip is through some of Illinois,ALL of northern indiana and ohio, then most of PA. November can be iffy,weatherwise. We have sometimes stopped on the way,but then it's an extra expense that I don't need ..It depends when we leave, tho. I would prefer to leave around 3am and just go, but the girls have a competition sometime that weekend,I'm not sure when.
Plus they r just WILD to go!!!! They are nine, and their cousins are 14,13,12,9 and 9. All girls.
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Anyway, he will not be green with envy.. a week without wife andkids?? heavens, he'll be happier that a pig (ha!!) in you know what. Plus, only 1 person in my family drinks to excess, so he would feel out of place.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 9
I went on vacation by myself with my 2 boys this summer. It was a bit different not having Dad around but all in all didn't have to worry about the drinking etc. That was nice. I am tried of waiting for him to ask time off from work etc. I just informed him this was the week we were going and went. Later in the summer I went away to the mountains for a week. HE was smashed by 10AM and I asked him to stay home. He later drove up by himself and didn't really participate in anything. He left after 2-3 days.
I am learning to have my own life! It does take time to look at your life and marriage this way. By the way, we are separated now since August. I have much more serenity.
Lisa
I am learning to have my own life! It does take time to look at your life and marriage this way. By the way, we are separated now since August. I have much more serenity.
Lisa
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
Alcoholism sucks. No doubt about it.
As I read your post, I'm reminded that when I was new, I learned.....I've got choices. That was novel to me......
I wouldn't want to drive by myself either. But....how about flying? I'd do it for myself......even if it costs more. You matter!
Just an idea. I know I used to feel so angry and frustrated and yet be such a dang martyr.....I mean, spend money on my needs? Heaven forbid!
Try making a good choice that supports your needs. It really works.
As I read your post, I'm reminded that when I was new, I learned.....I've got choices. That was novel to me......
I wouldn't want to drive by myself either. But....how about flying? I'd do it for myself......even if it costs more. You matter!
Just an idea. I know I used to feel so angry and frustrated and yet be such a dang martyr.....I mean, spend money on my needs? Heaven forbid!
Try making a good choice that supports your needs. It really works.
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 94
Over the river and through the woods ...
sdp,Thanks for sharing. I hope it works out that you do have a wonderful trip. Take those lemons and make lemonade! Load up the car with your favorite music, audio books, food, blankets, pillows, snacks and hit the road for one of the best trips ever! Singing together, stopping at scenic sights - an overlook, taking pictures along the way! Woo! Hoo! Freedom! WOW! Meet some interesting people along the way. I used to look for excuses to go off on a road trip BY MYSELF. My feeling about my (now deceased) A was to think and say to myself "Catch me if you can" or "I'll see you when I see you."
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
sdp,
Your trip sounds like fun to me.....eat where YOU want, stop when YOU want.....YOU get to make all the decisions. I think you will be just fine. You don't need him to drive you.....YOU CAN DO IT!
Gee, now I want to go somewhere and be the one in charge!!
Guess I'll have to plan a trip.....Seriously, go and have a good time. The girls will love it and I bet you will too!
Blessings,
Constant
Your trip sounds like fun to me.....eat where YOU want, stop when YOU want.....YOU get to make all the decisions. I think you will be just fine. You don't need him to drive you.....YOU CAN DO IT!
Gee, now I want to go somewhere and be the one in charge!!
Guess I'll have to plan a trip.....Seriously, go and have a good time. The girls will love it and I bet you will too!
Blessings,
Constant
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
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Thanks guys.. I have done this trip before, and it's pretty boring-all turnpike/toll road. Anyway, when I go on a road trip- I just want to get there!!!! No delays!!!! I have to plan so that it's mostly daylight driving. I don't like night driving.... Anyway, I am excited to see everyone,show my kids my old house,old schools, my mother's grave...11/10/03 will be 20years she's been gone.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
SDP,
I think it sounds like you and your kids will have a great chance at some bonding in the car on that long drive
Also, put in music that YOU like to keep you going during your drive. If your kids are anything like mine, they'll crash in the car for sure!
Enjoy the time with your family..heck, I'll bet it'll be even more relaxing because you don't have to worry about what he might do either!
Have a great one!
Sped teach
I think it sounds like you and your kids will have a great chance at some bonding in the car on that long drive
Also, put in music that YOU like to keep you going during your drive. If your kids are anything like mine, they'll crash in the car for sure!Enjoy the time with your family..heck, I'll bet it'll be even more relaxing because you don't have to worry about what he might do either!
Have a great one!
Sped teach
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Sped-
My kids and I spend a LOT of time together as it is, as he is rarely home.
He calls today and tells me he is "truly" sorry about this. I replied that it was too late. And he was sooooo sorry about it that last night he went over a guy from work's house to give him some cigs and ended up staying until 4am??? I'm not stupid and saw that his going over the house was an excuse for him to drink (I mean, he works with the guy--he couldn't take them to work today???) He denied that he went over there with any intentions to drink, but...... well, we know.
I'm still mad about this today. I will feel better as the days go on, but I've got to have my pity party. Plus, I'm the baby of my family(they are 9,11,12 and 13 yrs older) They will be FRANTIC about my driving alone. And will let me know!!!!
My family tends to worry about me a lot, and then point out my deficienies (weight, finances, etc) and what I "should" do to correct them, and of course they only do this because they LOVE me. Distance is sometimes good!!! Anyway, coming here has given me the strength to be able to say to them "Hey, I'm an adult (40!!!) and you have no right to tell me what to do. Accept me forwhat I am and don't lecture to me any more.
My kids and I spend a LOT of time together as it is, as he is rarely home.
He calls today and tells me he is "truly" sorry about this. I replied that it was too late. And he was sooooo sorry about it that last night he went over a guy from work's house to give him some cigs and ended up staying until 4am??? I'm not stupid and saw that his going over the house was an excuse for him to drink (I mean, he works with the guy--he couldn't take them to work today???) He denied that he went over there with any intentions to drink, but...... well, we know.
I'm still mad about this today. I will feel better as the days go on, but I've got to have my pity party. Plus, I'm the baby of my family(they are 9,11,12 and 13 yrs older) They will be FRANTIC about my driving alone. And will let me know!!!!
My family tends to worry about me a lot, and then point out my deficienies (weight, finances, etc) and what I "should" do to correct them, and of course they only do this because they LOVE me. Distance is sometimes good!!! Anyway, coming here has given me the strength to be able to say to them "Hey, I'm an adult (40!!!) and you have no right to tell me what to do. Accept me forwhat I am and don't lecture to me any more.
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi SDP,
I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way - I know how it is, I've been there too... still "go there" from time to time!
And you know what it is for me?
It's my expectations of him; all the things I wish he was (and wasn't)... and the resentment that follows.
I am ANGRY that he cannot be trusted, I hate that I cannot rely on him. I WANT so much for him to NOT be "sick"...
But these are things I cannot control.
I HAVE to make alternative plans to please myself; if he comes through and things work out - great! If not, I won't be dissapointed.
And I never plan the outcome, no matter how much I want to.
Take care
Meg
I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way - I know how it is, I've been there too... still "go there" from time to time!
And you know what it is for me?
It's my expectations of him; all the things I wish he was (and wasn't)... and the resentment that follows.
I am ANGRY that he cannot be trusted, I hate that I cannot rely on him. I WANT so much for him to NOT be "sick"...
But these are things I cannot control.
I HAVE to make alternative plans to please myself; if he comes through and things work out - great! If not, I won't be dissapointed.
And I never plan the outcome, no matter how much I want to.
Take care
Meg
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
sdp,
I understand that the expense of flying is too much, however a cheap hotel is not too much. If you drive 7 hours one day and 7 hours the next day it is more manageable for one person. At this point in my life I will not push myself beyond my limits driving wise and 7 hours is about my limit in one day. I am sure you could find a hotel for $50-$60 a night especially if you plan ahead and reserve on something like Travelocity.com.
I also understand you clinging to your anger about him not meeting your need for him to drive you to PA. Sooner or later you will need to let go of that anger and accept that it is what it is. We don't usually like it, but that's the way it is. The sooner you can get to acceptance the better you will feel. And it is really our choice to see this as an ordeal caused by a unreliable husband or an adventure - freedom from being limited by others. The good news is that you CAN GO!!!! You have the freedom to take this trip alone. Arn't you lucky?
I understand that the expense of flying is too much, however a cheap hotel is not too much. If you drive 7 hours one day and 7 hours the next day it is more manageable for one person. At this point in my life I will not push myself beyond my limits driving wise and 7 hours is about my limit in one day. I am sure you could find a hotel for $50-$60 a night especially if you plan ahead and reserve on something like Travelocity.com.
I also understand you clinging to your anger about him not meeting your need for him to drive you to PA. Sooner or later you will need to let go of that anger and accept that it is what it is. We don't usually like it, but that's the way it is. The sooner you can get to acceptance the better you will feel. And it is really our choice to see this as an ordeal caused by a unreliable husband or an adventure - freedom from being limited by others. The good news is that you CAN GO!!!! You have the freedom to take this trip alone. Arn't you lucky?
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 94
Travelin' too!
sdp I'm hitting the road, too! Whoo! Hoo! My son is free to go with me to Chicago Nov 16th - 19th! I can hardly wait! Hooray! I love traveling with my son. We've been travelin' buddies for YEARS! It was one way we could get away from my late "A". We have a lot of wonderful, fun memories and are going to have some more. I LOVE just feeling the wheels roll over the highways - I enjoy driving! Freedom, freedom, freedom! Hooray!
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Ray, MI
Posts: 5
I also make trips alone from Michigan to upstate NY where I'm originally from. I know what you're saying about long boring turnpike driving.
But looking back on all those trips I made, I realize that it has been one aspect of my life that has made me stronger and realize how self sufficient I can be.
I realize that no matter what happens (weather, road conditions, etc...etc...) that it is up to me to react. I am relying on me to get me (us) there. If something comes up...I handle it - no one else. It is a great sense of independence.
Yes, it can be scary, it can be boring, it can be a long, tiring drive. BUT YOU AND ONLY YOU WILL OWN IT. It belongs to you. And anything that comes up unexpected, you can have faith in yourself to handle it the right way because you are you and you own your reactions as well.
Believe me - you will find it strengthening.
But looking back on all those trips I made, I realize that it has been one aspect of my life that has made me stronger and realize how self sufficient I can be.
I realize that no matter what happens (weather, road conditions, etc...etc...) that it is up to me to react. I am relying on me to get me (us) there. If something comes up...I handle it - no one else. It is a great sense of independence.
Yes, it can be scary, it can be boring, it can be a long, tiring drive. BUT YOU AND ONLY YOU WILL OWN IT. It belongs to you. And anything that comes up unexpected, you can have faith in yourself to handle it the right way because you are you and you own your reactions as well.
Believe me - you will find it strengthening.
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Meg- thanks.. I put a little on Rose's other post on that aspect...
Rose-- did I inspire you??? Anyway, regarding a hotel, I may do that- it depends on when I can leave. I have to find out about their competition tonight. I hope it's Saturday so I can take off early. I can do the drive in one day, have done it many times. I'll play it by ear for now. I don't plan ahead too much tho- will porbably just drive off the turnpike somewhere in Ohio and see what I can find.
Still- I sent you aPM, but, truthfully, I don't really like driving much. I take public transport to my job downtown.
Angry-- Thank you for your post, but I don't want to own it!!!
While some people like road trips, I never did. I would prefer have to not do this alone, but, i have no choice, unfortunately....
Anyway, I'm aggravated rigt now. My kids had 1/2 day today. I arranged for an 8th grader they like to take them home and stay until I got there. I called to check up, and she said she had to watch her sister's kids and was taking mine to her house. Fine. She's only a few blocks away, and I told her I would pick them up at her house.
I get to her house, and her sister's there. Sis says that my neighbor(about whom I posted before- btb, I'm still not speaking o him) picked them up, and my babysitter was with her mom.. Hmmm... why was he picking them up? I can't blame the babysitter, and she is not involved with our disagreement. Anyway, I go home. Baby sitter is there, with my kids, PLUS neighbor's daughter, PLUS my neice( I posted about her mom a while ago) When did my house become babysitter central????
As soon as I walk in, neice,coat on, informs me that she didn't bring pants for cheerleading practice and needs to go home. I told her to tell the neighbor as he brought her over. As I piece it together, sis in law had a friend pick up neice,they saw neigbor who brought them over here. I'm not sure how my kids got here- babysitter said they walked over. So now I have 4 kids over here,plus a burden was put on the babysitter I hired to watch these 2 extra kids. Neighbor alos knows I don't like kids over when I'm not home. Puts me in a bad spot. Do I kick them out because I'm in a bad mood?? Anyway, I'm sure neice is here until they go to practice(as per an agreement I made with her dad- he does Tuesday nites, I do Thursdays. But I expected to pick her up at home!!! I have to go to her house anyway for pants)
Then when it's time to leave, neighbor's kid will have to go to her dad's to be taken to practice(refer to prior post- I will NOT take that child to practice. Her mother will likely find some reason to complain , will yell at Dad and I will be back in the middle- I refuse to be there) Plus, Im going to have to feed all of them!!!!
Grumble grumble grumble
Rose-- did I inspire you??? Anyway, regarding a hotel, I may do that- it depends on when I can leave. I have to find out about their competition tonight. I hope it's Saturday so I can take off early. I can do the drive in one day, have done it many times. I'll play it by ear for now. I don't plan ahead too much tho- will porbably just drive off the turnpike somewhere in Ohio and see what I can find.
Still- I sent you aPM, but, truthfully, I don't really like driving much. I take public transport to my job downtown.
Angry-- Thank you for your post, but I don't want to own it!!!
While some people like road trips, I never did. I would prefer have to not do this alone, but, i have no choice, unfortunately....
Anyway, I'm aggravated rigt now. My kids had 1/2 day today. I arranged for an 8th grader they like to take them home and stay until I got there. I called to check up, and she said she had to watch her sister's kids and was taking mine to her house. Fine. She's only a few blocks away, and I told her I would pick them up at her house.
I get to her house, and her sister's there. Sis says that my neighbor(about whom I posted before- btb, I'm still not speaking o him) picked them up, and my babysitter was with her mom.. Hmmm... why was he picking them up? I can't blame the babysitter, and she is not involved with our disagreement. Anyway, I go home. Baby sitter is there, with my kids, PLUS neighbor's daughter, PLUS my neice( I posted about her mom a while ago) When did my house become babysitter central????
As soon as I walk in, neice,coat on, informs me that she didn't bring pants for cheerleading practice and needs to go home. I told her to tell the neighbor as he brought her over. As I piece it together, sis in law had a friend pick up neice,they saw neigbor who brought them over here. I'm not sure how my kids got here- babysitter said they walked over. So now I have 4 kids over here,plus a burden was put on the babysitter I hired to watch these 2 extra kids. Neighbor alos knows I don't like kids over when I'm not home. Puts me in a bad spot. Do I kick them out because I'm in a bad mood?? Anyway, I'm sure neice is here until they go to practice(as per an agreement I made with her dad- he does Tuesday nites, I do Thursdays. But I expected to pick her up at home!!! I have to go to her house anyway for pants)
Then when it's time to leave, neighbor's kid will have to go to her dad's to be taken to practice(refer to prior post- I will NOT take that child to practice. Her mother will likely find some reason to complain , will yell at Dad and I will be back in the middle- I refuse to be there) Plus, Im going to have to feed all of them!!!!
Grumble grumble grumble
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