lostx

I believe my husband is addicted to marijuana and has been for the past 15 years. Just a small snap shot: He smokes ALL the time. He sends my son to the store or to his girl friends house so that he can smoke, or he pretends hes going to the store and drives around smoking. Since getting his MA License (we live in SD. CA), he feels that he is legal and should not have to hide it from our kids or family. I make him smoke outside and not in the house and he is getting angrier each day because he feels that he works, pays bills (but might be filing bankrupt) and is a grown man and should be able to smoke in his own home (when the kids are not home). He admits that maybe he does have an issue but its OK because it's not a heavier drug and because he is "legal". I have a huge issue with it because of the way he abuses it.
When I first told him I wanted to go to a Naranon meeting he was kind of upset. I mentioned it to him again and he is all for it. He wants to drive me there. He believes that it will help me see that I am lucky that he is not doing other drugs and that I will realize that it is ok.

Is it really OK? How do we know the difference between someone who "needs" help or if someone has just chosen to take a different path in the way they live?

He really is at a point that he thinks it might be in our best interest to split. He does not want to leave his daughter (3yrs old) but he is unhappy and wants to stop pretending who he really is. He doesn't want to hide anymore. He has no desire to stop smoking.

Will forums like this help me deal with this emotionally or do I just cut my ties and live on? Maybe I am just trying to get approval or validation that there is really a problem before I break my marriage up. I feel like I am selfish and stupid. For goodness sake it's just weed right!??

What do I do??? What am I supposed to think?

hello-kitty

Hi welcome. In response to your thread title, yes since you are the only one acknowledging a problem, it's pretty much just your problem.

That said, I can understand how you'd be frustrated. Potheads = YUK in my book. One phrase that is constantly repeated on this website is the 3 Cs:

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

You can only control your choices, not your husband's.
Also, you can only change yourself, not your husband.

Sounds like YOU want your husband to change into a person who doesn't smoke so much (or ANY) pot but he's not interested in doing that right now. Therefore, you may want to consider these questions for yourself.

Do you want to be married to a man who smokes pot constantly?

If not what are you going to do to change your situation?

keepinon

If he is perfectly happy, then YES it is your problem and that's ok.Choosing not to want to be around someone who is loaded all the time is a perfectly reasonable life choice and one that many of us here have made. Some of our loved ones have embraced recovery, others are enjoying their drug use, other are miserable in their addiction, but unwilling to follow the treatment.
It's up to US to decide what's ok ...he is a VERY heavy pot user.It is probably hard to have an authentic relationship with someone who is constantly on substances (I know it was for me).You can't change him, but you can pick how you want you and your daughter to live.

outtolunch

Believe him.

My 2 cents:
Smoking weed all the time bothers you. Smoking weed all the time is like drinking all the time. Does not sound like it's a good enviornment to raise children.

doggonecarl

No. And not just because you don't approve. Sure, marijuana doesn't physically debilitate like other drugs, but don't let your husband fool you. It's addictive and affects the same portion of the brain as those "other drugs" he isn't using.

I smoked pot every day, all day, for ten years. It was the first drug I tried and the last to quit (well, second to last. Alcohol was last), and just about the hardest.

As others have and will point out, you can't make him quit. Sorry. But you can get the help and support you need in Nar-anon. And maybe they'll let your husband in so he can see that his drug is just as impactful to the family as those "other drugs" he thinks is worse.

splendra

I think follow your own heart. But don't try to change him. Naranon will not teach you how to change him it will teach you how to change yourself.

Kindeyes

Naranon (or Alanon) teaches us how to find and maintain our own serenity......whether the addict (or alcoholic) in our life is using or not.

When I began going to Alanon (and Naranon) and reading the literature.....honestly.....I didn't "get" it. It took a long time and a lot of looking at me.....instead of looking at the addict in my life.....to finally understand.

Addiction is a family disease. It makes the entire family sick. But it makes the person closest to the addict the sickest of all. When we decide to work on healing ourselves, the answers to our questions often follow.

gentle hugs

lostx

Thank you guys for all your replies and support. After reading them all I just started to cry. I think I just needed to hear it. It's just so hard to accept that he made his choice. I've tried to reach out to some of my friends for support but there truly is a difference between those who are going through or have gone through issues like this. I don't participate much on this forum but I do find myself coming here to read, feel support and connect with others. Thank you for being here.

lostx

Thank you for this!

keepinon

Other people who don't live with addiction do not understand ..not that they don't love us and mean well, but they really don't get it..my alanon friends do as do people on here.I would suggest NOT bringing this to people who aren't experienced with addiction right now, because it seems to be undermining your confidence in your own decisions.bring it to us or a 12 step meeting/friend until you feel pretty secure.