I Just Stood Up for Myself...And It Feels Good.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
I Just Stood Up for Myself...And It Feels Good.
My XAH has been putting the full-court press on me to get back with him ever since he went to rehab. Since he's been out he's been living in a sober house, and has about 90 days sober today. It's always been more difficult for me to deal with him in times like this though, because I feel like I have to be "encouraging" and "supportive" and it sometimes causes me to not be as firm with my boundaries. I've had to talk with him sometimes regarding dd, and sometimes I have returned calls just to "be nice" or to "be a friend to him while he's trying". Frankly, I shouldn't even put that last in quotes, because I would like to just be A FRIEND to him, but I've known for a while that he always misconstrues my niceness, and never seems to listen to me when I tell him that I'm in a relationship and don't want to get back together with him.
Well today, he told me in no uncertain terms that since he can't seem to find a job, he's going to "go homeless" after two weeks, in a last ditch effort to prove to me that he can't live without me, so he will do this to test me and see how much I do or do not care about him. He also said that he could tell I didn't care if he lived or died, so maybe he would just die.
I told him I refused to be his prisoner any longer. I told him he has continued to make me feel trapped and like I am not free to live my life or choose who I am romantically involved with because I have been so afraid that he would do something stupid, but that I wasn't going to be a victim of that behavior anymore. I told him that I did care about him and what happened to him, but that if he was foolish enough to choose homelessness or death because he couldn't be with me, that I refused to believe for a second longer that that was in any way my fault.
When he asked how I knew for sure I would never want to be with him again, even if he continued to change, I told him that sometimes love dies, and that while I couldn't predict the future, the fact that my love had not revived in over two years should be a sign to him that it wasn't coming back, as it was to me. I told him that one thing I have learned about myself in all of this is that when someone punches me in the face, it does tend to make me lose romantic love for them. He said he can't believe I can't forgive him for that. I said I have forgiven you. That is why I want to be your friend. That is why I will allow you around our daughter, because you are sober. That does not mean I want to be your wife or your girlfriend.
He said our daughter needs us to raise her together. I said if you continue to stay sober, I would be happy to be a co-parent with you, but you have never seemed to want that, only me. So that part is up to you.
I feel a little bit scared, a little bit sad. But mainly, I feel GOOD.
Well today, he told me in no uncertain terms that since he can't seem to find a job, he's going to "go homeless" after two weeks, in a last ditch effort to prove to me that he can't live without me, so he will do this to test me and see how much I do or do not care about him. He also said that he could tell I didn't care if he lived or died, so maybe he would just die.
I told him I refused to be his prisoner any longer. I told him he has continued to make me feel trapped and like I am not free to live my life or choose who I am romantically involved with because I have been so afraid that he would do something stupid, but that I wasn't going to be a victim of that behavior anymore. I told him that I did care about him and what happened to him, but that if he was foolish enough to choose homelessness or death because he couldn't be with me, that I refused to believe for a second longer that that was in any way my fault.
When he asked how I knew for sure I would never want to be with him again, even if he continued to change, I told him that sometimes love dies, and that while I couldn't predict the future, the fact that my love had not revived in over two years should be a sign to him that it wasn't coming back, as it was to me. I told him that one thing I have learned about myself in all of this is that when someone punches me in the face, it does tend to make me lose romantic love for them. He said he can't believe I can't forgive him for that. I said I have forgiven you. That is why I want to be your friend. That is why I will allow you around our daughter, because you are sober. That does not mean I want to be your wife or your girlfriend.
He said our daughter needs us to raise her together. I said if you continue to stay sober, I would be happy to be a co-parent with you, but you have never seemed to want that, only me. So that part is up to you.
I feel a little bit scared, a little bit sad. But mainly, I feel GOOD.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Doesn't sound to me like he's half as interested in living sober as he is in getting you back. Sometimes, it's impossible to be "friends" with them just because of the reason you are dealing with now. Any kindness is misinterpreted to mean that you still have romantic feelings. They can't differentiate between human kindness and romantic feelings. It's sad, but you may have to just refuse to deal with him at all unless it is about your daughter. It doesn't sound like he is willing to let this "getting back together" thing go.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
i have the same problems with my ex hes always wanting to be friends and for a whiile yes friends is fine till i say the wrong thing again which last time it happened to be im with someone else now and we arent gonna ever be back together again as a couple and he went right off the score was convinced this new relationship of mine was going on back in june which is odd cos i only met him in oct so that was interesting,it was fairly obvious he was picking trying to find out info but it really dont concern him what i do with my life now and the new guy is just a very nice friendship for now as weve not actually met as yet in future yes we will do just not yet.
So u sound as if its the same thing what u do with your life aint nowt to with him anymore hes an ex and as ive had to do this boundary needs to be held even if it means no contact for a while which is what i did put him right back in his place which is not centre of my life anymore sorry if this sounds tough but u do need to stand firm cos they will try and sneak back into it again given half a chance xxxxx
So u sound as if its the same thing what u do with your life aint nowt to with him anymore hes an ex and as ive had to do this boundary needs to be held even if it means no contact for a while which is what i did put him right back in his place which is not centre of my life anymore sorry if this sounds tough but u do need to stand firm cos they will try and sneak back into it again given half a chance xxxxx
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
GREAT for you!
And thank you so much for posting...
This part sounds like what I'm going through right now... He doesn't seem to be interested in fixing things, or a relationship, or working on his issues, he is only interested in me.
I've actually had to upgrade my cell phone plan to add parental controls so he can't even leave a message, but simply not answering for four days and telling his daughter and his therapist and his mother that it's over hasn't been enough.
I was more than willing to work things out, but he doesn't want to work things out, he wants to live in a bubble. It's like any time I just go to hug him I see this looking back at me:
And thank you so much for posting...
Originally Posted by Mambo Queen 
you have never seemed to want that, only me.
I've actually had to upgrade my cell phone plan to add parental controls so he can't even leave a message, but simply not answering for four days and telling his daughter and his therapist and his mother that it's over hasn't been enough.
I was more than willing to work things out, but he doesn't want to work things out, he wants to live in a bubble. It's like any time I just go to hug him I see this looking back at me:
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
They don't know what the word friend means! Mine was having an affair and couldn't understand why he couldn't remain friends with HER when I was willing to take him back and reconcile if he dumped her. Then he wanted to to be friends with ME when I finally had enough of his crap and wanted a divorce.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
My XAH uses the "you don't care if I live or die, I will be homeless and die" thing also. Thing is, he only uses it when he is NOT SOBER. My guess, if it were my XAH, he is already back to drinking. Stay on your toes and GOOD FOR YOU TODAY!
M
M
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 192
Mambo Queen. It's time to turn up the music and dance. Thank you.
I haven't had this particular experience. But here's what I've taken from your post.
Why would I want anyone in my life who says they can't live without me? That's not love. That's desperation. I can't live without you is an expression of weakness. It's burdensome. It's a juvenile attempt to induce guilt. Who needs that? Not me.
A man who won't take care of himself can't keep promises.
I haven't had this particular experience. But here's what I've taken from your post.
Why would I want anyone in my life who says they can't live without me? That's not love. That's desperation. I can't live without you is an expression of weakness. It's burdensome. It's a juvenile attempt to induce guilt. Who needs that? Not me.
A man who won't take care of himself can't keep promises.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Beautifully done, MamboQueen. This man has had you listening to his rubbish for so long, and has been dumping HIS future disasters and even death on to you.
I fear his 90 days has done nothing for his mindset change, and wonder if 90 years would be enough for him to reach a real recovery.
If you are happy in a new relationship, do not let this ex, wreck that for you, as he has so much else in your life to now.
Congratulate yourself on quietly putting your case to him, and now let him sort out HIS life, future or death because it is not your problem.
Go Mambo like these guys.
I fear his 90 days has done nothing for his mindset change, and wonder if 90 years would be enough for him to reach a real recovery.
If you are happy in a new relationship, do not let this ex, wreck that for you, as he has so much else in your life to now.
Congratulate yourself on quietly putting your case to him, and now let him sort out HIS life, future or death because it is not your problem.
Go Mambo like these guys.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Jadmack,
Love the birdie dancing!
You know mambo queen when i first read the title i thought of james brown,
i feel good,
like i knew that i would,
i feel nice
like sugar and spice
and then some great horn playing with james just doing the james dance.
Beth
Love the birdie dancing!
You know mambo queen when i first read the title i thought of james brown,
i feel good,
like i knew that i would,
i feel nice
like sugar and spice
and then some great horn playing with james just doing the james dance.
Beth
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Awesomeness!!! 
I think that's something that comes in a bottle, because it's one of those frequently recycled sayings, it seems.
My RAXH wants us to be friends, too. Except "friends" to him means me doing everything he tells me to do, and me taking care of the kids the weeks they are with him when he wants to do something or work late, and me cooking dinner for him, and him slowly reining me back into a relationship.
So I've told him, if it's not about the kids, I don't want to hear it.
So he's now taken a new strategy: How would I be able to live with myself if he died, and we were still estranged?
I don't think he liked my answer...
He also said that he could tell I didn't care if he lived or died, so maybe he would just die.
My RAXH wants us to be friends, too. Except "friends" to him means me doing everything he tells me to do, and me taking care of the kids the weeks they are with him when he wants to do something or work late, and me cooking dinner for him, and him slowly reining me back into a relationship.
So I've told him, if it's not about the kids, I don't want to hear it.
So he's now taken a new strategy: How would I be able to live with myself if he died, and we were still estranged?
I don't think he liked my answer...
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