Corri

Don't mind me, I'm just babbling out loud about things.

I woke up feeling really down. I don't know why I feel down, I just do. If I follow my normal pattern of behavior, I think I would probably begin to fixate on this feeling. And then I think I'd start letting my mind wander around it that feeling, and then I'd start to listen to it pile up on me all the reasons why I'm probably feeling this way. More than likely, by the end of the day, I'd have myself so buried in my own 'blue' feeling, so waist deep in my own self-pity, I'd be in a really bad way. I have no idea if I'd decide to drink it off or not... but the likelihood of me doing so would be increased by 1000%.

So I prayed to God for whatever it is I need inside myself to not go down that road. I know He hears me.

Which brings up another interesting point for me. Another revelation in this process that I found utterly shocking.

I always thought I had a very deep and personal relationship with God. Over the years, in exploring just about every religion known to man, I rejected all of them. The dogma and the hypocrisy was a little too much for me to swallow. I even spent a few years really angry with God for awhile, too. But I never stopped believing in Him. I thought I had mended fences with Him. Even though I rejected religion, I prayed and knew He was always there. I knew if I asked, I received, even if those answers showed up in ways I'd never expect. Even if those answers at first seemed like the darkest moments of my life. I even know for certain that the ONLY reason I finally made it to AA was because of Him. There is no power on earth that can outfox my cunning mind like The Big Guy. And I am SOOOOO grateful that is true.

However, when I finally surrendered, and I mean truly and honestly surrendered, not only was I stunned to find that everything I thought I knew about the world -- and most especially about myself -- was completely wrong, everything I thought I knew about God, and what I considered to be my rock solid belief in Him... that was wrong, too. Well, I shouldn't say wrong. It wasn't wrong... just... incomplete. Like, where I thought I might be an expert in my belief in Him, I came to see I'm barely a novice. That, to me, has been, I think, the most stunning revelation of my process so far.

I've always been a big fan of the saying, "The Lord helps those who help themselves." Right? I mean, it's what gave me courage to face anything in my life. I had to give it my all before God would show up. It never occurred to me what would I do when I truly and honestly could no longer help myself. (If I couldn't help myself, I figured I'd be crippled or something like that).

I realize now, I had it all wrong. Completely and utterly all wrong. Not on purpose. I was just... wrong. Being in a position now where I KNOW for certain I cannot help myself (and that seems to be the only thing I do know for certain at this moment), He is there, in a way I have never known.

I was praying last night and the words just jumbled out of me, "I have no idea who You are. I always thought I did. But like everything else in my life, I think I've defined You, labeled You, put You in one of my boxes and stuck You on a shelf, thinking I've got You figured out, and off to the next thing to figure out I went. And whenever I got around to needing You, I'd go get my God box and open it up."

Sorry, there is no conclusion to this story. It's just a revelation I've had. A good one. I can't tell everyone how relieved I am to know that I do not have Him figured out.

Which leads me to another thought, humorous, but still, it did occur to me. I've been seriously wondering if the entire new testament wasn't written by a bunch of recovering alcoholics. I mean, seriously... I see it everywhere, now that I think about it. I can tell you, if I could turn water into wine....??? Look out. And, there were times in my drunken sprees I was pretty certain **I** could walk on water. The three day trip through hell? (Glad he made it in three days. I was there five years). Helping those in need? Blessed are the poor, for they shall inherit the earth? Look into the eyes of a recovering addict with full knowledge, working the steps with all his heart, and you will see it fully for yourself.

Anyway. These are just things that are tumbling through my head, and now that I've spent some time writing it down, I feel like I can let it go now. I don't feel so blue. Another day. Onward!

stanleyhouse

Love your post. I like to think of God as my constant companion because when I sit in silence by myself I never feel alone. So when I used to say I feel so alone they were just words, noise occupying my mind distracting me from peace you can feel if you just let yourself.
Don't get me started on religion...
SH