FreeingMyself

I have finally found myself in a place where most of what ah says and does do not affect me. I realize he is trying to get a reaction....this has taken a LONG time to understand. But, he is REALLy losing it now. We talked today and we were discussing child support and visitation etc. This set him off big time. I remembered how impossible it is to have a conversation w/ him about anything. He believe that my goal is to push him over the edge. At one point during our conversation he said, "You are going to push me over the edge and I am going to do something to you to put you in the hospital." (This is not new behavior for him if you have read my prior posts). OK so then - I know I should have let it go - I wanted him to understand how crazy it is to say that. AND he told me it was MY FAULT he said it becuase I made him so angry. WHY WHY WHY can't I let all of this go!!! WHY WHY WHY - I KNOW this is not kindness or compassion. WHY - do I let him still make me somehow thing well maybe I did make him do it!!! It has been a long time since he has said things like that, and I remember that familiar feeling of being just a little scared!! I hate that! I HAVE to get out of this!! I just needed to vent about his upscale craziness lately.....

suki44883

Do you think he would do something that would put you in the hospital? Would that be enough for you to do whatever was necessary to get him out of your life?

FreeingMyself

I think he definately could if I upset him in person. We do not live together - we see each other with the kids thats about it. However, my fear of him continues to grow as the things he is saying/doing seem so much crazier. He hung up on me today, then called me back and accuse me of hanging up on him.....then later admitted he hung up on me!! This is the "sober" him too. Sadly I sort of wrote this so that I had it written somewhere.

suki44883

This guy is dangerous. No two ways about it. I wouldn't let him in the house again unless there was another adult there with you. He's telling you what he's planning to do. Please believe him.

splendra

Like the others said believe him...

You can't make sense of it. Get somewhere that he cannot find you stop talking to him on the phone get a new phone# and don't give it to him.

LaTeeDa

You are minimizing his threats. You may be "just a little scared," but I am A LOT scared for you.

I believe you should call a DV hotline and tell them exactly what you have told us. They are prepared to make suggestions and offer help that will keep you and your children safe.

Please do not take this lightly. He is threatening you and the next step is to actually hurt you. I hope you will act to protect yourself. This is serious stuff.

L

brocat

What happening to FreeingMyself? Maybe you should do it.

transformyself

This isn't sad, its GOOD.

When was (or still can be) in that place where I feel I have no choice but to continue to engage, going back and reading my posts here has saved my ass Girl.

It's our own voices, echoed to help save us.

theuncertainty

[QUOTE=FreeingMyself;2819795AND he told me it was MY FAULT he said it becuase I made him so angry. WHY WHY WHY can't I let all of this go!!! WHY WHY WHY - I KNOW this is not kindness or compassion. WHY - do I let him still make me somehow thing well maybe I did make him do it!!! It has been a long time since he has said things like that, and I remember that familiar feeling of being just a little scared!! I hate that! I HAVE to get out of this!! I just needed to vent about his upscale craziness lately.....[/QUOTE]

FreeingMyself, I've gone back and re-read several of your threads. I don't know why I didn't before, other than they are so, so, so familiar and more than a little triggering. My story is so similar, it truly scares me. I don’t have any words of advice, I’m still untangling myself from XAH, but I can offer support. Please, please know you’re not alone in this.

XAH completely scares me. I know in my gut that if he ever gives himself permission, finds a rationale for it in his own mind, to hit me, or any other woman, it’s not going to be just once. He will keep going. Some times I feel completely irrational and crazy for this feeling – he has never hit me before, after all. But I know, even if the court and police can’t do anything about it yet, that he is so close to that line. Once he’s decided to go over it, it’s done. Right now, I’m just hoping to either be out of the way when he does or to just survive it if it’s directed at me.

I also hope that later my hopes will be much, much more optimistic. To paraphrase, what LaTeeDa and others have told me: as I take back control and take the steps to feel safe, he will lose power and I will gain it.

LaTeeDa also pointed out for me on one of my recent threads that my fear is rational and understandable. I think the trick is making it work for me instead of against me. I’m still working out how to do that part.

My safety plans are still in place for both myself and DS. DS knows that if a bad guy comes in the house (or there’s a fire), he goes out the window to the neighbor’s house to have him call the police (fire department), he doesn’t wait for me. DS takes care of himself and Mommy will try to follow, but he doesn’t wait. He knows his daddy scares me, but I’m trying to figure out how let him know that if Daddy is in our house, it’s the same thing...

I’m working really hard to catch when I’m letting XAH’s words carry more weight than the truth that I know. I know I didn’t make him do it. I know I didn’t make it all up. Why do I listen to him? And why do I give those words so much weight? It used to be a survival mechanism – doesn’t help much now. It’s taking so long to re-learn new ways of thinking and reacting.

Take care, FreeingMyself. We can both get through this and we’re both so much stronger and wiser than we give ourselves credit for. I know this, even if I can’t always feel it about myself.

Verbena

Why are you talking to this lunatic? Change your phone number. Move if you have to, but let your lawyer do the talking.

If he leaves threatening messages, keep them.

gerryP

Freeingmyself,

My dear, why..after what? almost a year of living apart are you still are talking about visitation and why are you still trying to get him to take responsibility for his behaviour? You are living separate and apart, aren't you? Is your plan to file for a divorce or are you still hoping and praying and wishing for him to change into something wonderful so that you can all live happily after after?

I'm not seeing how you and the life of your children is any better than when 'he was living with you.'

(That was my candy coated version)

suki44883

I believe she has 5, maybe 6 children. It's not so easy when you have that many little lives dependent on you. I hope she can find a way because I'm really scared for her.

Learn2Live

That guy is dangerous. Please get help dealing with him. I think it would be better to limit verbal conversations with him, maybe try texting and email. But please call the DV hotline and / or contact the DV shelter for assistance.

barb dwyer

I hope you'll contact family services and tell them what you've said here.
Print this post out and take it to them
or better yet -
print it out there.

this makes me very uncomfortable.

It's time for mama bear mode.

expecially since it's been a year -
that proves he's unstable
and you have very good reason to be afraid
and if he HAS to visit -

you do what you must to get those visitations ...monitored.

Here's your proof right here -
that you are not safe.

Sherrif's department, family services, child services,
whatever your state calls it...

it's time to make a police statement.

FreeingMyself

Thank you all for your thoughts......I am working on it all....and yes I have 6 beautiful children who I am trying to take care of as well! I made an appointment w/ a therapist for me, hoping maybe they can help me give myself permission to move on, to finally file for divorce, to believe I can do it. I have done it before, I really do know I can do it again!

Verbena

I'll bet you can. Good luck, hon.