Barbiebg32

I woke up today feeling great. Got some good sleep and was motivated to get some stuff done at work. Last few nights have been nice and peacefull. Till a friend of mine at work got mad at me over some money that my AH owed her for almost a year and he hasn't paid her back and neither have I cause I don't have the money. Every dime I have is going to our bills. I can't even afford food. My mom is helping in that department. Anyway we got in to a huge fight over all that. Then I turned around and got in to a huge fight with my AH. Which turned him getting mad at me because he has been clean (according to him) since the new year. (like that's very long anyway) Anyway he is now mad at me because I can't get over it and move on. That it's stupid that I keep bringing up the past. But to me the past is still present. I am still paying money on stuff that he messed up I am losing more than half my tax return because he made his pay checks to where he gets most of the money for more drugs. So he says he is getting this new job at pepsi and staying off the pills and getting an apartment and for me to basically not to come crawling back when he is doing good. That I need to remember what I'm doing to him. I know my plan was for him to leave at the end of our lease. So why have I been bawling all morning. Why does this have to hurt so much? I'm sure it's just a bunch of threats but even through the tears and the pain every time he said he was going to leave I never once told him to stay. I just don't understand these messed up emotions. My head is spinning so much right now I don't even know what to think. All I want is to be happy. Is that to much to ask for???

Barbiebg32

Oh yea the money was borrowed to get his wedding ring out of pawn. Then he went and pawned it again a month later.

outtolunch

I got my ole crystal ball out here. It says nothing changes if nothing changes. He's projecting it all on you and refusing to take responsibility for his role in all of this. That more than suggests he's not done with drugs, yet. That's his choice.

What might you do differently this year to achieve a different outcome.

Chino

(((Barbie)))

Only if you're asking others to provide your happiness instead of yourself

Barbiebg32

Well surprise surprise he pawned his wedding ring again for the first time. Said he pawned it to pay the 400 on his title loan on his truck to buy another month. I'm sorry but a pawn shop isn't gonna givethat much money for an engraved ring.

Live

No, they usually don't pay out that much for wedding bands. So, you know he is lying. Discussing it with him will get you no where as I am sure you have found out.

I am sorry you are dealing with the pain and troubles of living with and being married to someone with active addiction.

I am afraid I am not able to be very even tempered about it. I have seen enough in my life to be beyond sick of it. I want nothing to do with it.
The troubles, pains, agonies are never ending and only get worse than we could imagine.
It's progressive. When you think it can't get worse..it does and then some.

That is probably not what you would like to hear.

But there is hope! You can re-direct your life to suit you, your values, your means and your liberty and pursuit of happiness!

Barbiebg32

Oh yea absolutely he is lying. I have been dealing with all his addiction crap for over a year now. And you are right it's not getting any better. He has just gotten better at hidding it. Every one thinks heis clean and sober. But my gutt keeps telling me it's all an act. Hehas even gotten better at hiding the fact that he is coming down off the pills. Except he really messed up super bowl week when fort worth was practically shut down...he woke up every morn, lay on thecouch and would not move till it was bed time. I'm sure you can imagine how irritating that was for me. Anyway he found a way to take vicoden out in the open which was his ear infection. Told the dr he was inpain and low and behold he has a script with refills. UGH really?!?!? So now he is back to hiding it but I am catching him in so many lies. And now his mother passed away(they never spoke to each other) (she is an addict also) and he is all sad about that. While he has every right to be and I do feel bad for him but at the same time I know he will use this to go spirling down again. Even deeper than he is now. Tomorrow he has an interview with Pepsi that he stands a good chance of getting but I already know where all his money is going to go. Strait to his pills. I'm sure not all this makes complete sense with all the rambling but to sum it up, I am very frusterated and just ready for it all to just stop. I'm just ready for life to just move on. I am sick of being stuck in this same perdigament. Enough is enough. I'm gonna be 30 years old next week I'm ready to start living life again. Now the trick is actually moving on. Actually making my self go. I have so much anger and resentment towards him that I have a hard time showing any love for him. But then I do still love him but I honestly I don't think I'm "in" love with him anymore. And that hurts and he is the cause for this. I know what needs to be done but I just can't do it. I sound pretty confused huh. Ok thanks for listening to my rambelling.

Seren

((((Barbie)))) I'm sorry you are hurting, but the truth is, the pain will stop when you decide to stop it. You CAN do it, you just choose not to.

Someday, when the pain of staying in your front-row seat to his addiction is greater than the pain over the thought of letting go, you will take action. But it will be on your time and no one elses.

I hope that things will get better for you soon! Huge hugs, HG

keepinon

When YOU hit YOUR bottom and do what you need to do to get better, things will change..surrender is the first step..