steve1840

i have not been posting because i have been trying to not obsess over the situation. the past couple days though have brought me back.

i don't know the last things i posted. basically through december she was staying in a hotel and was doing ok. still using, but seemed positive about gearing up for changing. she was following through with her assistance program. thepast couple days she stayed with a girlfriend of hers who is straight.

today was the day to go to the hospital. she came over before she went to say goodbye. she looked better even though she was dope sick, told me i looked good, and had the book i gave her for christmas, along with a couple pictures of her mom, me, and her dog. she told me how great of a friend i have been and how s**ty she has been to me and how lucky she feels to know me and how much she wants to know me when she is in recovery. it was nice and it felt sincere. i saw a little spark of hope in her eye and a smile i havent seen in a while. she said she was scared, but needed to delve into her issues. she said she had lots to work on, but was ready to face the demons.

as many addicts do, she wanted a last shot before she went in so she could be comfortable. so her friend drove her off to make a stop and then go to the hospital. they didn't make it. they got pulled over. the friend was released because she has no record or anything. my friend was arrested and taken in to county jail for warrents. she was last picked up about two months ago, but released. i don't know what will happen this time.

i feel aweful. what if this was the time she would have made it? i don't know what to think, say, or do.

i am remembering the posts that said step aside, let her find her way etc. in some ways that is all i can do. but for crying out loud- this had to happen today!?!?!? you know me, i am all about giving multiple chances. all i wanted to see was if she would have made it there and stayed. if she left, then i'd still know she wasn't ready. if she stayed, maybe she finally was getting serious.

another thing you know about me is GUILT. a few days ago we had a horrific fight. she was trying to get $10, but i wouldn't do it. it was about the worst i saw her get. but she got over it by going to sleep. i was proud of her for that. when she called today she was crying and said please dont let me go to county, why today, i really wanted to go, please please help me, don't leave me there.

remember, i have a soft heart and this is difficult for me. part of me knows that the best thing i can do is nothing. but then there is that feeling of me letting her down by not helping.

surprisingly, i am keeping my calm so far. i hate seeing her finally havea plan like this and have it get messed up just before she was to go. my god, what timing! maybe she wouldn't have stayed, now i'll never know. honestly, i was doing better. i had refussed to give money and i even talked with her yesterday saying that if she didn't go, i would have to keep some distance. she said that was fair and could accept that, but that she would never want to lose me from her life. some will say its b.s. maybe it is. maybe not. i am not angry at her, i feel very sad for her. not that anyone is ever prepared for jail, butthe times she was picked up before, she was living on the streets and it was more expected that it could happen. this time is was going ot get a last (hopefully) shot.

sailorjohn

It's not your heart that's soft.

It's your head.

You claim you love her soooo much.

Did it ever occur to you that everything you're doing is completely counterproductive to her recovery?

Is that really love?

Or is it need?

suki44883

One last shot. Sure. Uh huh. Hope you don't bail her out.

steve1840

john, yes that has occured to me and that is why i have been able to refrain from 'helping.'

i just feel upset by the timing. i wish she had this chance to go and see what happened. i would not have been at all surprised if she didn't stay, but i at least wanted the chance to see what she would have done.

suki- i will not be bailing her out for various reasons. one- even if she was going to go through with it today, my thought is that this would only set her back and that she would just want to get high 'one more night.' two- with what money? three- it sucks to be in jail, but maybe, just maybe this will help her in the long run.

i just dont want to allow myself to feel guilty for not doing anything to help her out, even though i know there is nothing i can do or should do.

suki44883

Trying to have a relationship with an addict is nothing but disappointments and lies and chaos. You still have hope that she really wants to stop all this, but as long as you do, you'll continue to be disappointed. How many times now is it that she was really going to get help? Something always gets in the way. That PROVES that she doesn't truly want it. Sure wish you'd accept that and save yourself a lot of pain.

steve1840

suki-

(i just remembered wwsd)
she had said all that several times before. and yes, something always got in the way. i guess since months had gone by, i was hoping this could be the time. this is the one time that what got in the way was beyond her control.


it has been a difficult realization the past couple weeks that her addiction is bad. it had taken me some time to understand how bad. in some ways that made it even harder for me- to know just how bad it really is and to not know what the outcome will be.

i know i have to get back to putting the focus on me and my recovery. i think i fear that because i have trouble accepting that if i recover tht does not mean i have severed something forever, it just means i regain my center.

sailorjohn

Little confession, I rarely posted in this forum for a good part of last year, I got back together with her again when I came home for my 1st R&R last April. I knew I was f**king up, what would I say here?

I had initiated contact over the Christmas holidays last year, threw some bait out and much to my pleasure she emailed me, off to the races again.

Nothing had changed, she was broke, I was going to be the sugar daddy.

It never really occurred to me until just recently, but I didn't get back with her because I felt she needed me, or that I was improving her life.

I got back with her because I was lonely. Utterly selfish.

Two sick people meeting their sick needs by using each other.

Something 'Freya' posted here some time ago in response to another thread-not mine-really struck a nerve, haven't forgotten it, because I truly believe it applies to me, probably applies to a lot of us here with our histories, what she talked about.

"Because of your history, you might be the last person that can offer her any real help"

They say the last thing an addict/alcoholic gives up are their fantasies, I believe the same to be true of codependents.

Final thought, assuming her-my ex's bottom-is 6ft under, I don't want to be the person carrying the earned guilt.

I really can't be a part of the solution to her problem, but I can definitely be a part of it.

If I choose to be.

Good Luck.

atalose

I feel awful. What if this was the time she would have made it?

What if this is exactly what needed to happen? What if she went for one last shot then decided NOT to go to the hospital.

People detox in jail all the time, they have medical care available in jail, sounds like she is exactly where she needs to be at this moment in time.

you will have your chance to SEE what she does regarding recovery when she gets out.

outtolunch

Oh for crying out loud.....one last shot....poor her, getting arrested just as she got off is not the same thing as commiting to recovery.

Where did she get the $ for that one last shot so she could " be comfortable"? Who enabled it and moved her closer to her grave?

She is doing what addicts do. Nothing more or less.

Given your own stuggles with codependency have you considered accepting her as is/where is and letting go of the fantasy that you have any influence over her outcome?

outtolunch

Well said, John.

Chino

How about allowing yourself to feel good for doing the right thing?

Timebuster

I have three question Steve. You can PM me with the answer if you feel more comfortable.


I thought she was in a methadone program, what happen there.



The hospital was for what? Detox, Inpatient, Re-hab.



Is she, Bi - Lesbian?

ItsmeAlice

Had she gone to the hospital, she could have given up at any time. She had an escape.
I am glad it has occurred to you that this could be the path she is meant to be on to get well. She has no escape now. She has the chance to get clean and think clearly for a while. Let her have that.

She is safe now from your enabling as well and stands a chance. If you want her well, don't be there when she gets out. Give her a head start at least. Maybe sober and separated the two of you can see how destructive the relationship is and end it.

Your cries of love for her as made me care for her as well, Steve. I beg you to leave her alone.

steve1840

timebuster-
with all i have shared andexposed about myself, i am fine answering these here among friends.

1. the methadone- she stayed on it and was increased to the full dose, but she continued the dope as well and felt that there was no point. also, that is supossed to be hard to kick as well, and with her planning to go to the hospital to detox, she figured she'd just stop it.

2. the hospital was for detox and then she was looking into the salvation army for rehab after detox.

3. by straight, i meant that this friend does no use drugs in any way. both her and my friend are straight in the other meaning as well.


alice- correct, she could have left he hospital at anytime and that is what i was afraid of. now its only a matter of how long they hold her. supposedly she was taken to the hospital before being transported to county. she is indeed safe from my enabling, because for as much as i got better at saying know to some things, there were others i had trouble with. thank you for caring about her, i will try to do the right thing- for us both.

john-
i have given thought to that as well- being together because of being lonely. i think that may have applied at some point in our history.


thank you all.

thank you thank you thank you

Momsrainbow

One last shot, sure!!!!!! And they got stopped for what reason?

Sure, we all wanted to believe our addicts but in most cases, they are just playing us to get what they want.

Bail her out? What would that do, NOTHING-except allow her to get another last shot. I bailed AH out a few times, $5,000 cash, $10,000 cash and more. Heck, I have a free get out of jail card from the bondman, if I ever get in trouble(never will happen). He lived through detox in the county jail. He did it to himself, more than once.

Guilt, the only thing I feel guilty about is beleiving his stories and handing him money. Took me a while to figure it out. Almost 8 yrs. Have you memorized What Addicts Do yet? Try it!!!!! I doubt she is any different than any other addict.

You seem to still have a life, move forward!!!!!!!!! because an addict can take you down so far emotionally, mentally and physically you will not know what hit you.

You simply need to realize the "what if this time" will probably lead to another, "what if this time."

steve1840

momsrainbow-
they got stopped because the police saw the car stop and basically saw the deal.

things are still sinking in about all of this.
i feel ok that i am not sinking because of this.

i guess i just wait for the next page to turn

but hoestly, if i think about the reality of the situation, how bad she is, how far she has sank, and how far she has to go it is too painful to deal with.

suki44883

Instead of waiting for the next page to turn, why not just close the book and put it away?

Callie

My gosh Steve. Are you kidding me? Go back through to when you came here from DAY ONE and re-read YOUR posts as well as SR's post. I fully agree and disagree with Sailor John:

It's not your heart that's soft. It's your head.

You claim you love her soooo much..

Did it ever occur to you that everything you're doing is completely counterproductive to her recovery?

Is that really love?

Or is it need?


Your head has become so hardened that NOBODY, NOTHING anybody says matters here on SR. We have BEEN where you are. I PERSONALLY have been where you are. The only inlet is what she tells you. You're not even hearing anyone here. So why keep coming back when the same thing is said again and again, but yet you don't 'hear' it? Day after day it's chance after chance. It is NOT going to happen Steve. I was a stubborn, tough cookie. I wholeheartedly believed in my addict. I listened, but not fully to SR. LOOKING BACK I SHOULD HAVE 100%. Do you even read, think about or heed the advice of anyone here? It seems everything falls on DEAF ears, but what SHE says and what YOU want to believe and HOPE for. New year, new you Steve, but this is getting very redundant. If you don't want advice or help, don't ask. People here on SR are some of the kindest and most compassionate that I know. They held my hand and gritted their teeth @ the same time. What I went through had to be MY timeline, but I never discounted the comments, slaps and 2x4's. THAT is what helped me get through to the other side. NOT the coddeling.

wicked

I only remember part of your struggle callie, but oh yeah, you took some right crosses and kept coming back. Wow, I think you are pretty cool.

and then I do ask myself,

What would suki do?

suki44883

That'll get ya in trouble soon enough.

*sorry for the hijack!*