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How do you get to a point where you don't care what others think?



How do you get to a point where you don't care what others think?

Old 01-05-2011, 07:14 AM
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How do you get to a point where you don't care what others think?

I am so conflicted.

My life feels complicated and out of control, and it is pretty much because I let others around me control it.

I am so sick of having to feel like I have to try and justify myself to the people around me. I am an adult, 35 years old, I work full time, own my home pay my bills raise my 2 small children on my own. I am not an idiot, I am pretty in touch with myself, I know what makes me tick, I know what makes me happy.

Im not sure if it's me trying to seek out approval from other people, if I want other people to be on board with my decesions or what I am looking for.

Background: I got divorced in August. We were living apart for quite awhile. I have been emotionally detached from my EXAH for years. I met a great man 2 weeks before my divorce was final. We have been dating ever since. He is a great guy, a gift from God. I wasn't looking for anyone, he just appeared. He possess all the qualities I would desire in a mate. He is crazy about me, crazy about my kids, my dog etc. lol He would do anything in the world for us. He is reliable, affectionate, financially secure, responsible..the list goes on and on. He has never been married/no kids. He is ready to take the next step (not now, but within the next year or 2). We have talked about marriage, we have talked about moving in together later in the summer, I am over the moon that I found someone wonderful, someone "normal"

I have been married 2 times. I have chosen partners both times that needed to be resuced, were emotionally unavailable, had substance abuse issues, the list goes on and on. This time I think I got it right. Previous relationships I was seeking out a husband, a father, security...this time I have those things...I already have the kids, been married, have my house, job, bank account, etc...I am excited to find an EQUAL to share those things with me. he brings a lot to the table as do I, so i feel that this relationship is one that completes who I am, doesn't define who I am...does that make sense?

Anyway, I constantly feel like I have to justify....
Why can't I just move forward with my plans? Why can't I trust myself, go with my gut...make my own choices, live my own life...for once?

I can't handle all the "outside" opinions, advice. It's my life...right? So why can't I live it?
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Old 01-05-2011, 07:26 AM
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hi FL -

I don't know about never caring what others thing
but I know that with work and change
you can get to a place where it's far less important.

Are you in a program of recovery or couseling of some sort?

A support circle of individuals
who are working together to improve
their choices and actions
is a great way to get
the positive reinforcement we need
when changing major life patterns.

I mentioned counseling because
a disentangled third party
also can help us see
what maybe we're not willing to see.

I'm a four - tour veteran of marriage.

I know that were I to make a life decision
regarding a man again ...
I would get an outside opinion -
even with what I know about myself now....
which is a lot.

But that's just me.
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Old 01-05-2011, 11:51 AM
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For me it's about the self-talk in my head. I became so used to hearing my parents, my friends, my boyfriends passing judgment over my decisions, that I seemed to automatically "hear" the negative in every decision before I even fully considered a plan of action in anything.

I justify in my head what I'm doing and why I'm doing it repeatedly on and on every day.

It's a horrible habit.
It's self destructive.
It's exhausting.

I think you are right in many ways when you say it's about seeking approval, but for me I think it started out that way. I sought everyone's approval and opinion on whatever decision I had to make. I listened to all the "devil's advocate" nonsense when folks would tell me how my plans might fail. How constructive is that? At least that is what I always seemed to focus on. I'm sure they had helpful advice and were encouraging, but I always seemed to feel defeated before I started.

In time, I stopped screening my choices through other people or at least limited the times when I needed an objective voice. Yet, I see now that negative feelings and negative chatter became a broken record in my subconscious and the damage was done.

How do you break this? Good question.

I started taking a hard look at this self-critical chatter in my head when I started recovery here just shy now of 2 years. I listened to the folks here tell me to catch it when I start to do it and quickly speak aloud to it. Tell it no. Tell it step aside. When I go with my gut and let my own intellect work, I succeed. All that chatter just holds me back. I've done this and it works. It's a habit that has to build and grow just like the habit that created it. It takes time.

2 years in and I no longer seek opinions unless it is a deliberate decision to do so and that is rare. I purposefully stop the self-critical thought throughout my day. It's becoming less and less needed. I have sought other ways now to support my own decisions. I have learned to research when I'm uncertain. I don't ask for answers, I go find them if that makes sense. For instance, if I ask a question on some website for how to fix my leaky sink, I am open to hearing from negative haters who say, "hire a plumber you useless girl." Seriously, I've read these responses out there. Instead, I read plumbing articles, books, how-to blogs, and find the answers I need. I am empowered with the knowledge with no fear of judgment. With that said, I still have to resist the urge to turn to a friend or such and ask what they think of what I've learned. It's a tiny urge that passes quickly, but it's there from time to time.

The first step, as we know, is admitting the problem. After that, it's practice practice practice.

Best to you!

Alice
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Old 01-05-2011, 12:15 PM
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When we have a history of making poor choices, we have little confidence in our "gut". I agree that counseling, CoDa, Al-Anon, etc could really help you gain the self-confidence you need to trust your instincts and choices again.

BTW - congratulations on the healthy man! I'm sure you wake up every day feeling gratitude beyond your belief.
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Old 01-05-2011, 04:26 PM
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I've had to come back to this a few times and am struggling to put into words what I mean, so if this is confused, please forgive me and skip over it!

I guess its about trusting ourselves. If I trust that a decision is right for me, I don't have to justify it to others, and I can allow others to have different thoughts and feelings about my actions without thinking that invalidates my relationship with them or that they don't trust my ability to make my own decisions about my life.

I am getting better at not needing everyone else to feel and think the same way about my decisions as I do. There have been points in my life where I "needed" everyone to validate my actions not only in what they said to me, but also in how they felt and thought internally too. If they didn't, or I even thought they didn't I was an anxious mess. Which is madness. Needing other people to validate my choices in that way caused me a lot of intense pain, and at one point got to the point where I "needed" complete strangers to agree totally with me about everything, otherwise I felt judged and lacking. Obviously it is impossible that everyone will feel and think the same way I do, even about my own life.

So given that I've had BIG problem's with caring what other people think in the past to the point of being ill with it, I'm trying to come at this sort of thing with the following outlook at the moment: someone offering a different opinion or slant on things isn't an attack on my personal integrity, ability to live my life or necessarily a control move, I can choose to take that information, try and step back, mull it over for a while when I'm calm, process it to see if it applies or is something I haven't taken account of and build it into my decisions or not as I see fit.

I, and my dependents, are the only ones who have to live with the consequences of my decisions so I get to make those decisions and the only person who has to be happy with them is me (and to an appropriate extent my dependents).

Choosing to see all advice/opinions/thoughts/feelings shared with me as a gift, given freely, and one that I am free to use in receipt how I choose, rather than an action against me, or an invalidation is helping me hugely, and relieving me of a massive burden.

I'm not suggesting you have/or have had the same problems I had with this, and I don't think I've explained it very well, but I thought I'd throw it in there for you to look at.
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Old 01-05-2011, 05:35 PM
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Once upon a time I got tired of being at the mercy of what other people might think or say about me. Whenever I hear anyone "worrying about what others might think" I offer this little quiz:

Do these others pay your bills?
Do you owe them money?
If you broke both legs, would they take over for you? Pay your bills, help with the kids, bathe you, carry your bed pan and feed you?

If your answer to any of the above questions is NO. You owe these "others" nothing. Their opinions, dirty looks, tales to other "others" don't matter in the big scheme of things.

Don't give anyone the power to own your soul. Sometimes you just have to give the "others" the Bronx cheer. It's okay to shake your fanny, hold your head up and be happy.

Life is all about risk. We all make mistakes and get it wrong sometimes. But there's every reason to assume you'll get it right enough of the time to make life worth living.

Go for what you want.
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Old 01-05-2011, 06:01 PM
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I don't know if this is healthy or not, but I've learned simply to NOT SHARE things with people who have proven to be judgmental or offered too much unsolicited advice in the past. I know from experience that sharing things with them is taken as an invitation to meddle, so I just don't go there. Then I don't have to figure out how to deal with it.

L
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Old 01-05-2011, 06:11 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
I don't know if this is healthy or not, but I've learned simply to NOT SHARE things with people who have proven to be judgmental or offered too much unsolicited advice in the past. I know from experience that sharing things with them is taken as an invitation to meddle, so I just don't go there. Then I don't have to figure out how to deal with it.

L
The problem with this is, I am my most critical voice.
I give myself a very hard time about everything. I try to say to myself,
you are a kind, caring, compassionate human being. You have a few flaws but perfectionism is boring.

I have someone I am talking to regularly, he is a very nice guy and we enjoy talking to each other. He is just getting out of a bad marriage, going to counseling for himself. I told him my first instinct would be to save him and he said that wouldnt work. Good for honesty, and I felt great about that.
But now, when I get a little excited or interrupt him, I feel foolish, like a teenager who doesnt know how to act around a grown man.
And, maybe that is the problem. I have no experience unless they are women hating substance abusers.

In other words, how to be easy on myself? I know I am an good person, but every mistake makes me cringe.
How to be at ease?

Beth
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Old 01-05-2011, 06:21 PM
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Well, I have never had a problem not caring what other people think, but there have been several times in my life that I've tried to acquire a characteristic that isn't natural to me. This is what I've discovered:

The harder I try to BECOME something I'm not, the less I'm able to do it, even if it's something I feel like I should be. But, when I pretend to be something I'm not for a little while, I can wink at my true inclinations, bypass my frustration and just get it done. I taught myself to be sociable by joining groups and pretending to be extroverted than I was. It is much easier now to interact with other people, but I really had fake "outgoing" for awhile there.

Right now, I'm trying to become a neater person. I'm a slob. Really. If I step into the kitchen and say to myself, "Okay, be a tidy person. Feel the need to clean the floor. Be offended by the spilled sugar and orange juice on the table. NOW!" nothing will happen. I still won't care. I'll leave and go watch a DVD.

But if I go into the kitchen and say, "What would a OCD neat freak do right now? Wash this morning's dishes? Well, I'll do that. For now." I can get through it. And I know from experience that it will get to be more natural over time.

I think, that learning not to care what people think may lend itself to that technique. If you were someone who had a huge amount of faith in her decisions and judgment, what would you do? Now imagine that you are a self confident person who has discovered that she's made a mistake but still believes in her power to make good choices. What would you do? You don't have to become that person. Just visit her a little bit and see what she has to say.
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Old 01-05-2011, 06:34 PM
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I think, that learning not to care what people think may lend itself to that technique. If you were someone who had a huge amount of faith in her decisions and judgment, what would you do? Now imagine that you are a self confident person who has discovered that she's made a mistake but still believes in her power to make good choices. What would you do? You don't have to become that person. Just visit her a little bit and see what she has to say.
Excellent idea BuffaloGal. Yes, I believe this will work for me, and write down when people say nice things to me. I have a difficult time with compliments. I am going to work on believing the good stuff.
Beth
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Old 01-05-2011, 07:07 PM
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It also helps me to "play the tape all the way through." In other words "what would happen if so-and-so thought I was wrong?" Or "what if my mother didn't approve of my decision?" Or "what if that thing I said was the wrong thing to say?" When you really take it to a logical conclusion--does it matter? Usually, the answer is no. All these things that we think are so major, are really minor in the grand scheme of things.

I've been dating the same guy for over three years now. We are very committed to each other and monogamous, but neither of us is really interested in moving in together or getting married. This drives my friends and family crazy. All the questions. When are you two going to "take it to the next level?" Through this, I've learned that those other people are having anxiety about my choices because they don't conform to their ideas of "how it's supposed to be." But, I am perfectly happy right where I am. Once I realized that, and stopped trying to do what everyone else thought I should be doing, I stopped second-guessing my reality.

L
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Old 01-05-2011, 09:03 PM
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I'm finding keeping my silence, gives me more serenity. Work through it at a later time, put it on a shelf & then keep on rolling down the sunny side.
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