detachment?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
detachment?
It appears that we have received several newbies in the last few days. I remember being new to alanon/message boards, and feeling desparate and looking for answers...or suggestions with how to deal with my situation. I know that we don't like to give advice, but let's give things that have worked for US to get through a rough day, night, weekend, week, month whatever.
So, think hard, when your a is actively using, tell us 2 things that have worked for you in detaching.
1. This one is based on if he's in the house and drinking: Leaving the house with my son to go out and have fun. Even just to go to walmart and wonder around and around.
2. This is based on him not being home: Call a friend and talk, or watch a movie that I love, take a bubble bath, play with my son.
Whose next??
Sped teach
So, think hard, when your a is actively using, tell us 2 things that have worked for you in detaching.
1. This one is based on if he's in the house and drinking: Leaving the house with my son to go out and have fun. Even just to go to walmart and wonder around and around.
2. This is based on him not being home: Call a friend and talk, or watch a movie that I love, take a bubble bath, play with my son.
Whose next??
Sped teach
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: OH
Posts: 24
Depends on what time she passed out and I didn't have to baby sit her.
During the day:
Work on our cabin, or around the house, or do something with my boy.
Evening or at night:
Go to the park, build a fire out in back of the house and relax, or just eat what I wanted (she couldn't stand the smell of my cooking when she was drinking) and watch what I wanted on TV.
During the day:
Work on our cabin, or around the house, or do something with my boy.
Evening or at night:
Go to the park, build a fire out in back of the house and relax, or just eat what I wanted (she couldn't stand the smell of my cooking when she was drinking) and watch what I wanted on TV.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
No matter where or what I have trained myself NOT to count the cans or watch them drink....instead I
1. Call my sponsor or close friend in the program to STOP the merry-go-round. I need to hear what I' am thinking/feeling so I can change or accept it.
2. Come here!
3. Go to Walley World just to look around....
4. Come here!
5. Watch the wildlife in the back yard.
4. COME HERE!
5. Look around my town to see if a senior wants or needs something I can do or give them.
Good thread idea Spedteach. I'll not go on 'cause I have about 3 dozen things I do to detach...
1. Call my sponsor or close friend in the program to STOP the merry-go-round. I need to hear what I' am thinking/feeling so I can change or accept it.
2. Come here!
3. Go to Walley World just to look around....
4. Come here!
5. Watch the wildlife in the back yard.
4. COME HERE!
5. Look around my town to see if a senior wants or needs something I can do or give them.
Good thread idea Spedteach. I'll not go on 'cause I have about 3 dozen things I do to detach...
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Detachment? I love it!
I remind myself that my boys get to experience the JOY of their consequences. Then it doesn't hurt so much and I don't try to rescue them from themselves
I watch my favorite movies, usually comedy/adventure like True Lies or Mask of Zorro or soemthing with Mel Gibson in it (hubba hubba)
I read, window shop, call someone in the program to VENT my frustrations.
Good thread. Thanks
O59
I remind myself that my boys get to experience the JOY of their consequences. Then it doesn't hurt so much and I don't try to rescue them from themselves
I watch my favorite movies, usually comedy/adventure like True Lies or Mask of Zorro or soemthing with Mel Gibson in it (hubba hubba)
I read, window shop, call someone in the program to VENT my frustrations.
Good thread. Thanks
O59
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
This is a good idea!!!
1) Come here
2) Take the kids somewhere....movies, ballgame
3) Take myself somewhere, usually dinner w/ a friend
4) watch whatever program I want....or movie
5) Have a friend over for chips and dip or other favorite junk food
6) Dancing
1) Come here
2) Take the kids somewhere....movies, ballgame
3) Take myself somewhere, usually dinner w/ a friend
4) watch whatever program I want....or movie
5) Have a friend over for chips and dip or other favorite junk food
6) Dancing
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Hey. Right now Im so detached its a wonder my DNA doesnt unwind. Just kidding. LOL.
Right now its easy to detach. We only talk on the phone for 15 mins a day and visit for 2 hours a week. He still tries to boss me sometimes but its hard to control someone from afar.
I dont know if you could call this detachment but I used to just agree with whatever he said. I figured theres no use arguing with a drunk. Its like arguing with someone with alzheimers. And as far as Im concerned no matter what someone tells me to do Im going to do what I want. So I see no reason to argue about it.
Elvis usually did his drinking at the bar with his cronies. When he did home if you could get him to sit down he would fall asleep/passout.
If he was getting on my nerves I would go outside and work in my flower beds or go to another part of the house and read or clean. The best was house rehab. I found that if I started a project he would leave me alone cause he didnt want to help me do it.
If I was still at work and he was home or at the bar I would work overtime or go shopping. Or I would go to my Moms and do work for her or go to his Grams or his Great Aunt and do work for them. Couldnt go out after work because I worked with all guys and they went home to their wives. And the ones that didnt I didnt want to go out with.
If you could get him to lay down on the sofa (his favorite position) or to sit down somewhere , it wouldnt be long before he would be snoring.
No kids. Just me and Elvis so I could pretty much avoid him if need be. Especially during the week when we were on different shifts.
Right now its easy to detach. We only talk on the phone for 15 mins a day and visit for 2 hours a week. He still tries to boss me sometimes but its hard to control someone from afar.
I dont know if you could call this detachment but I used to just agree with whatever he said. I figured theres no use arguing with a drunk. Its like arguing with someone with alzheimers. And as far as Im concerned no matter what someone tells me to do Im going to do what I want. So I see no reason to argue about it.
Elvis usually did his drinking at the bar with his cronies. When he did home if you could get him to sit down he would fall asleep/passout.
If he was getting on my nerves I would go outside and work in my flower beds or go to another part of the house and read or clean. The best was house rehab. I found that if I started a project he would leave me alone cause he didnt want to help me do it.
If I was still at work and he was home or at the bar I would work overtime or go shopping. Or I would go to my Moms and do work for her or go to his Grams or his Great Aunt and do work for them. Couldnt go out after work because I worked with all guys and they went home to their wives. And the ones that didnt I didnt want to go out with.
If you could get him to lay down on the sofa (his favorite position) or to sit down somewhere , it wouldnt be long before he would be snoring.
No kids. Just me and Elvis so I could pretty much avoid him if need be. Especially during the week when we were on different shifts.
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Michigan
Posts: 4
Neat idea!
I'm so early into my own ways of coping that I can only think of a few so.... here goes.
1. walking the dog(we're both losing weight!)
2. coming here for serenity
3.spending one on one time with one of my three kids
I guess I'm a quick learner.
I'm so early into my own ways of coping that I can only think of a few so.... here goes.
1. walking the dog(we're both losing weight!)
2. coming here for serenity
3.spending one on one time with one of my three kids
I guess I'm a quick learner.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
I used to go to a meeting and tell the *A* I was shopping. It caused a terrific resentment that I "shopped" so much. *haha
But for that hour and a half......I was safe.
Later, I detached by making a choice whether I felt like talking to the *A*.......or not. What freedom!
But for that hour and a half......I was safe.
Later, I detached by making a choice whether I felt like talking to the *A*.......or not. What freedom!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: mid-atlantic
Posts: 53
at home:
i've been trying to do some structured activities with my daughter...like play-dough...its hard to obsess and worry and all that crap when you are being creative and chatting away with your kid. i also remind myself to make eye contact with her....i hadn't been doing that...i wasn't really with her.
after she goes to bed and/or at work:
i come here, call my al-anon people, go to mtgs, read my recovery literature ( i carry it everywhere now)
i want to work on finding things to do that are fun for me....i want to start exercising again, spend some more time with friends that are healthy for me, shop and actually buy something for myself for a change. i heard on an al-anon tape about this lady setting up a paint studio in her house and painting to music she loved...not for the end product but for the process...she even started inviting some al-anon frineds over to join her.
i've been trying to do some structured activities with my daughter...like play-dough...its hard to obsess and worry and all that crap when you are being creative and chatting away with your kid. i also remind myself to make eye contact with her....i hadn't been doing that...i wasn't really with her.
after she goes to bed and/or at work:
i come here, call my al-anon people, go to mtgs, read my recovery literature ( i carry it everywhere now)
i want to work on finding things to do that are fun for me....i want to start exercising again, spend some more time with friends that are healthy for me, shop and actually buy something for myself for a change. i heard on an al-anon tape about this lady setting up a paint studio in her house and painting to music she loved...not for the end product but for the process...she even started inviting some al-anon frineds over to join her.
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Ray, MI
Posts: 5
I guess I'm so new to this that I'm not sure what this "detachment" is truly about. I guess I can understand about not going out of my mind in trying to control the situation and that I can't control my "A" - but my "A" is my partner, my best friend, my lover, my confidante, my keeper of sanity - so why "detach"? Doesn't that mean lessening the value of the relationship?
Does it mean the things I do when he's drinking? Does it mean not yelling and/or pleading with him?
- WHAT IS IT REALLY?
What if your "A" makes it difficult? If he's drinking and I go to my room or spare room to read or watch TV - he keeps popping in and being grumpy or weepy or happy pain in the butt (even if I ask over and over and over to just leave me alone tonight PLEASE). If I leave the house I'm accused of all the sordid things he can think of. So what is the solution then?
So, in short - what is this detachment stuff?
Does it mean the things I do when he's drinking? Does it mean not yelling and/or pleading with him?
- WHAT IS IT REALLY?
What if your "A" makes it difficult? If he's drinking and I go to my room or spare room to read or watch TV - he keeps popping in and being grumpy or weepy or happy pain in the butt (even if I ask over and over and over to just leave me alone tonight PLEASE). If I leave the house I'm accused of all the sordid things he can think of. So what is the solution then?
So, in short - what is this detachment stuff?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
Originally posted by AngryBlonde
So, in short - what is this detachment stuff?
So, in short - what is this detachment stuff?
When I was a mother of a toddler, I practiced detachment naturally. My son would start fussing, working up to a regular fit. I didn't take this to mean he hated me. I would pick him up, and he was squirm and cry more. I didn't think I was picking him up wrong. I knew he was uncomfortable because he needed one of his basic needs met......hungry or tired. I don't remember ever taking that personally.
That's the same attitude as detachment with love toward a sick alcoholic. This is just a sick person who is acting badly at the moment because he "needs" his basic stuff......generally, a drink.
Detachment helps me stay comfortable, know intuitively what to do, and know how to manage my own expectations. A person who is uncomfortable isn't able to be my "best friend, my lover, my partner." A person who is uncomfortable needs what he needs to be comfortable......and if alcoholism is the problem, alcohol is the solution.
When sober, the same detachment process works well. If that person is uncomfortable, and the problem is alcoholism, then the solution is a meeting or a call to a sponsor or working with another alcoholic. I still don't need to react as though it's about me.
Hope this helps a bit.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
AngryBlonde
Under "Power Posts" at the top of the board is a great thread on Detachment.
Don't remember where I printed this from, but if it was from someone here...please forgive me for not giving you credit. It does relate to Detachment.
Letting Go
To let go does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To ltet go is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search our my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everthing to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
TO let go is to fear less and to love more.
Blessings, Constant
Under "Power Posts" at the top of the board is a great thread on Detachment.
Don't remember where I printed this from, but if it was from someone here...please forgive me for not giving you credit. It does relate to Detachment.
Letting Go
To let go does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To ltet go is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search our my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everthing to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
TO let go is to fear less and to love more.
Blessings, Constant
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
When he is home and drinking I go to a movie by myself or I go to Barnes and Nobel. I love movies and books so I go hang out with my favorite things. To truely detach I need to leave the house.
When he is out somewhere drinking I enjoy having the house to myself. Sometimes I do things that would annoy him if he was home, like wipe the counters with the sponge for the dishes! LOL
When he is out somewhere drinking I enjoy having the house to myself. Sometimes I do things that would annoy him if he was home, like wipe the counters with the sponge for the dishes! LOL
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Ray, MI
Posts: 5
WOW! Thanks so much everyone! It's becoming much clearer. I guess I have a very long way to go with this one since I am extremely judgemental and angry for the problems the drinking causes. I blame, blame, blame. (Him - not me)
I have so much more to learn if I can get past the anger. I actually look down my nose at him when he drinks. Really, my face actually crinkles up in disgust. Okay - will work on this.
I'll definitely go back to those power posts often!!
I have so much more to learn if I can get past the anger. I actually look down my nose at him when he drinks. Really, my face actually crinkles up in disgust. Okay - will work on this.
I'll definitely go back to those power posts often!!
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 54
Constant, thank you very much for posting "Letting Go". I haven't posted here for about a week, but I've been reading. I understand detachment, but in my situation, I'm not feeling the "need" to detach. Perhaps it's because my relationship w/my A b/f hasn't suffered in any way due to his alcoholism. As my very first post here stated, I suspected he may have a problem, but I was never very sure.
I guess what I'm doing right now is just trying to learn all I can about alcoholism and perphaps "prepare" myself for what might come? He's in rehab and I won't get to talk with him until the first part of next month. I went to an AA meeting today, to try to get a feel for what he might be experiencing. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last week to see what others are experiencing, as is my reason for reading and minutely participating in this forum.
I apologize for the rambling, I guess I'm just in a comfuzzled state of mind right now since I don't seem to fit the "Al-Anon" mold (or reasons behind Al-Anon). I feel like I'm only preparing for the worst. I dunno.
I printed out "Letting Go" as I think I may need the reminders some day, but I hope not. I'll keep attending Al-Anon and AA meetings, and I'll continue to read here.
Thanks everyone.
I guess what I'm doing right now is just trying to learn all I can about alcoholism and perphaps "prepare" myself for what might come? He's in rehab and I won't get to talk with him until the first part of next month. I went to an AA meeting today, to try to get a feel for what he might be experiencing. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last week to see what others are experiencing, as is my reason for reading and minutely participating in this forum.
I apologize for the rambling, I guess I'm just in a comfuzzled state of mind right now since I don't seem to fit the "Al-Anon" mold (or reasons behind Al-Anon). I feel like I'm only preparing for the worst. I dunno.
I printed out "Letting Go" as I think I may need the reminders some day, but I hope not. I'll keep attending Al-Anon and AA meetings, and I'll continue to read here.
Thanks everyone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Memphis TN
Posts: 5
My thoughts on Detachment
When I lived with the person I needed to detach from it was a very mental process for me. It was stopping whatever I was doing (usually reacting to something he had done) and repeating to myself over and over I am not him, I am me, I am responsible for me, I am not responsible for him. It sounds crazy but I have been known to say these things out loud to myself...since I no longer live with my alcoholic, it is getting easier to detach. Although he is still my childrens father so I do have to interact with him. I took the 5 or 6 things about detachment that help me the most, put them all on one sheet, laminated it and keep it at my desk at work. When I fill myself start to slip into my codependent "let me solve your problems" mode. I pick it up, hold it, read it and savor every word. These are the words that finally gave me my freedom back. (see below):
"Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives."
If we put the focus on ourselves, we will no longer be in the position to:
· Suffer because of the actions and reaction of others.
· Allow us to be used or abused by others.
· Do for others what they could do for themselves.
· Manipulate situations so others will eat, sleep, get up, pay bills and not drink.
· Cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds.
· Create a crisis.
· Prevent a crisis if it is the natural course of events.
But what about the alcoholic? What happens if I stop doing all of these things that I have done all these years to "help?" Has it helped? Al-Anon members learn that no individual is responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it. The simple answer to what to do about the alcoholic: "Let go, and let God."
Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves. Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.
Realize that the other person's problem is not yours. One of the hardest lessons to learn is that no matter how hard you try, you can never, ever, ever change how another person acts. The only thing you can change is your reaction to them. You can fight the guilt they inspire. You can take care of yourself.
Remember the old phrase, "Listen to your gut?" Don't do that. The unhealthy people in your life use guilt and manipulation to inspire a gut reaction from you. I remember my therapist telling me, "Of course they're good at pushing your buttons! They installed them!" Instead, use your intellect to talk back to your gut feelings. You know that person is no good for you. You know your energies are better spent elsewhere. Take care of yourself. Do what's right for you. Say to yourself over and over again, "Taking care of myself must be my first emotional priority."
Hope this helps!
"Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives."
If we put the focus on ourselves, we will no longer be in the position to:
· Suffer because of the actions and reaction of others.
· Allow us to be used or abused by others.
· Do for others what they could do for themselves.
· Manipulate situations so others will eat, sleep, get up, pay bills and not drink.
· Cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds.
· Create a crisis.
· Prevent a crisis if it is the natural course of events.
But what about the alcoholic? What happens if I stop doing all of these things that I have done all these years to "help?" Has it helped? Al-Anon members learn that no individual is responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it. The simple answer to what to do about the alcoholic: "Let go, and let God."
Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves. Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.
Realize that the other person's problem is not yours. One of the hardest lessons to learn is that no matter how hard you try, you can never, ever, ever change how another person acts. The only thing you can change is your reaction to them. You can fight the guilt they inspire. You can take care of yourself.
Remember the old phrase, "Listen to your gut?" Don't do that. The unhealthy people in your life use guilt and manipulation to inspire a gut reaction from you. I remember my therapist telling me, "Of course they're good at pushing your buttons! They installed them!" Instead, use your intellect to talk back to your gut feelings. You know that person is no good for you. You know your energies are better spent elsewhere. Take care of yourself. Do what's right for you. Say to yourself over and over again, "Taking care of myself must be my first emotional priority."
Hope this helps!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In my own world...
Posts: 444
1) Turn tunes up really loud and sing. Sometimes dancin'!
2) Get all dressed up as hot as I can... clothes, makeup, hair ect and go out with friends. Not to cheat or pick anyone up, just cuz it makes me feel good about myself.
2) Get all dressed up as hot as I can... clothes, makeup, hair ect and go out with friends. Not to cheat or pick anyone up, just cuz it makes me feel good about myself.
always a step behind
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 1
Wow! Let me start off by saying as a "newbie" this is a great post to stumble upon! My AH does about 75% of his drinking away from home; I have been litterally prego for the past two years (12 1/2 mos and 2 mos old girls) so I was never able to join him. When he is out...I call my best friend and vent or go for a walk. When he is home, I take the babies in their room to play or stay busy in the kitchen. He is also a marjiuana addict, which I have to be honest...I'll take that over A anyday. His drinking has gotten so bad that I don't even want to smell it, see it, taste it,....don't want it around (period!) He is out king crabbing in the Bering Sea now...so I have 5 weeks without having to deal with it...except when he calls from shore drunk.
Any other mommies out there with better detachment ideas?
Any other mommies out there with better detachment ideas?
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