OT: I need...I don't know what
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
OT: I need...I don't know what
Aside from the toddler-sized attack of the Stomach Flu Monster which conquered us all a few days before Christmas, I have had a very difficult holiday season.
To be brief:
My cousin was murdered in the subway in Paris on December 26. She was on her way to get a massage. From what I understand from various phone calls to family over in France, she was killed by a man trying to get away with someone's smartphone. She must have been preventing him from getting away, because he purposefully shoved her down a flight of stairs. She fell backwards, hit her head and went into convulsions. She died on the operating table a few hours later, due to cerebral hemorrage.
She was 27.
She had just returned to Paris to support her mother during her father's aggressive chemo treatment for prostate cancer.
Now she's gone.
The entire family is in utter shock and despair. I received via email the photos from her funeral services since I, and many others living in the US, could not get to Paris fast enough. What shocked me was seeing the pictures of her body...a mere shell of who she was, looking nothing like the vibrant woman she was just a few weeks ago.
She worked in cosmetics and fashion marketing, smoked cigarettes, and dated all kinds of European men, much to her mother's dismay. She was no little Viet flower who sat down and shut up; she lived her life with passion and verve. I admired her humour and her courage to live exactly the way she wanted. I hadn't laid eyes on her in over a decade but through the magic of Facebook and email, we were in regular contact. I miss her so. Her Facebook page is still up and displays page after page of farewell messages from her innumerable friends and acquaintances.
I am having a lot of trouble with finding the rationale behind this death. My cousin's death has affected me more profoundly that my grandmother's departure. I have been praying to HP to watch over my cousin, and most of all, over the family she leaves behind.
I could really use...I dunno...some guidance here. I feel ill equipped to deal with this.
To be brief:
My cousin was murdered in the subway in Paris on December 26. She was on her way to get a massage. From what I understand from various phone calls to family over in France, she was killed by a man trying to get away with someone's smartphone. She must have been preventing him from getting away, because he purposefully shoved her down a flight of stairs. She fell backwards, hit her head and went into convulsions. She died on the operating table a few hours later, due to cerebral hemorrage.
She was 27.
She had just returned to Paris to support her mother during her father's aggressive chemo treatment for prostate cancer.
Now she's gone.
The entire family is in utter shock and despair. I received via email the photos from her funeral services since I, and many others living in the US, could not get to Paris fast enough. What shocked me was seeing the pictures of her body...a mere shell of who she was, looking nothing like the vibrant woman she was just a few weeks ago.
She worked in cosmetics and fashion marketing, smoked cigarettes, and dated all kinds of European men, much to her mother's dismay. She was no little Viet flower who sat down and shut up; she lived her life with passion and verve. I admired her humour and her courage to live exactly the way she wanted. I hadn't laid eyes on her in over a decade but through the magic of Facebook and email, we were in regular contact. I miss her so. Her Facebook page is still up and displays page after page of farewell messages from her innumerable friends and acquaintances.
I am having a lot of trouble with finding the rationale behind this death. My cousin's death has affected me more profoundly that my grandmother's departure. I have been praying to HP to watch over my cousin, and most of all, over the family she leaves behind.
I could really use...I dunno...some guidance here. I feel ill equipped to deal with this.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Aw honey ... that is just HORRIBLE. I don't have any words except to say that the spirit is all that is real and in that regard she is whole, free and ecstatic right now. I'm so sorry for the entire family. (((hugs)))
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
noday, hon, I am so sorry (((hugs))).
I have also been close to people who have died. My experience has been that the closer the person is to me in age, and/or the more strongly I identify with the person, the more difficult my grief and the longer it takes for me to get over it. Look for what you intend to accomplish before you have to leave this world, and try to focus some thought and effort every day toward accomplishing those things. This is what your cousin would want to; for you to do what is in your heart.
I have also been close to people who have died. My experience has been that the closer the person is to me in age, and/or the more strongly I identify with the person, the more difficult my grief and the longer it takes for me to get over it. Look for what you intend to accomplish before you have to leave this world, and try to focus some thought and effort every day toward accomplishing those things. This is what your cousin would want to; for you to do what is in your heart.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
nodaybut2day, while coping with the loss of a loved one is never easy, an unexpected death is particularly rough. We all know that everyone dies eventually, but we don’t expect young adults to die. Coping with unexpected death is a grieving process. You need to acknowledge and work through your feelings. Your feelings may come randomly, in waves. You may feel okay one minute, devastated the next and furious the moment after that. This is normal and expected. Grief does not occur in a straight line, and the grief process may last for many years. You may feel much better, and then experience a setback. Accept the feelings as they come and do not judge yourself. While many people handle their grief by suppressing it, this is not a healthy way of coping. However, those feelings may not surface easily. A trained professional with experience in grief counseling can help you identify and work through your feelings. Whether or not you seek professional counseling, a grief support group could be helpful.
Do not try to answer the unanswerable question “how will I live through this"? Instead, focus on getting through small chunks of time. In the first days, you may need to measure time hour by hour or even minute by minute. Each minute that you live through is a success. Even when the grief and pain seem overwhelming, time does continue to pass. As a particularly bad wave of grief subsides, look at the clock. Congratulate and reward yourself for making it through that period.
Assign yourself small, manageable tasks. Paying a bill and spending an hour with a friend are successes. Make a small to-do list and reward yourself for accomplishing each task. Do not punish yourself for not completing your entire list.
You are likely to have extreme difficulty sleeping and eating normally. However, your body will tell you what it needs. If you are tired, take a nap. If you are hungry, eat something, even if it is not the healthiest choice. Give yourself permission to do the things you need to do. Your body is working through extreme stress, so its needs will be different than normal.
While your body will tell you what it needs, helping it along is important. Try to eat regularly even if you do not feel hungry. Grazing on light snacks throughout the day may be easier than dealing with large, heavy meals. Drink plenty of water. Stay away from drugs or alcohol, which will ultimately make you feel worse. Stay on any normal medications that you take, but let your doctor know what has happened. Your medications may need to be adjusted. Be sparing with any over-the-counter medications that you take. They are likely to affect you differently at this time.
Try to get a bit of exercise every day. Even a short walk around the block can clear your head and give you strength to continue. This is not the time to try to set a record in the gym, but light exercise will help keep you healthy and help your body adjust to the stress.
It is a myth that it is possible to “get over” a death. The best that families can achieve is getting through the process. One of the most difficult aspects to deal with is the reality that the person will never again be part of family life. Creating rituals to acknowledge the deceased person, therefore, can assist in this transition. Giving back is a way that many people find helps in coping with the death of a loved one. Make a donation to a cause that the loved one favored. Provide support to others who are just beginning their journey of grief. Whatever you do, your contribution will help you to find a new sense of purpose while keeping your loved one’s memory alive.
You wrote "I, and many others living in the US, could not get to Paris fast enough." Is it possible to arrange a memorial service among her relatives and friends here in the States? By gathering your family and friends there could be mutual support for each other. Keep in mind that these people are sad, too. A memorial service would honor your cousin and give her other family members and friends a way to say goodbye.
You wrote "I am having a lot of trouble with finding the rationale behind this death." I have found out a person can not make something totally irrational into something rational!
Remember......
"My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,' says the Lord. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9
"In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:3
Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Do not try to answer the unanswerable question “how will I live through this"? Instead, focus on getting through small chunks of time. In the first days, you may need to measure time hour by hour or even minute by minute. Each minute that you live through is a success. Even when the grief and pain seem overwhelming, time does continue to pass. As a particularly bad wave of grief subsides, look at the clock. Congratulate and reward yourself for making it through that period.
Assign yourself small, manageable tasks. Paying a bill and spending an hour with a friend are successes. Make a small to-do list and reward yourself for accomplishing each task. Do not punish yourself for not completing your entire list.
You are likely to have extreme difficulty sleeping and eating normally. However, your body will tell you what it needs. If you are tired, take a nap. If you are hungry, eat something, even if it is not the healthiest choice. Give yourself permission to do the things you need to do. Your body is working through extreme stress, so its needs will be different than normal.
While your body will tell you what it needs, helping it along is important. Try to eat regularly even if you do not feel hungry. Grazing on light snacks throughout the day may be easier than dealing with large, heavy meals. Drink plenty of water. Stay away from drugs or alcohol, which will ultimately make you feel worse. Stay on any normal medications that you take, but let your doctor know what has happened. Your medications may need to be adjusted. Be sparing with any over-the-counter medications that you take. They are likely to affect you differently at this time.
Try to get a bit of exercise every day. Even a short walk around the block can clear your head and give you strength to continue. This is not the time to try to set a record in the gym, but light exercise will help keep you healthy and help your body adjust to the stress.
It is a myth that it is possible to “get over” a death. The best that families can achieve is getting through the process. One of the most difficult aspects to deal with is the reality that the person will never again be part of family life. Creating rituals to acknowledge the deceased person, therefore, can assist in this transition. Giving back is a way that many people find helps in coping with the death of a loved one. Make a donation to a cause that the loved one favored. Provide support to others who are just beginning their journey of grief. Whatever you do, your contribution will help you to find a new sense of purpose while keeping your loved one’s memory alive.
You wrote "I, and many others living in the US, could not get to Paris fast enough." Is it possible to arrange a memorial service among her relatives and friends here in the States? By gathering your family and friends there could be mutual support for each other. Keep in mind that these people are sad, too. A memorial service would honor your cousin and give her other family members and friends a way to say goodbye.
You wrote "I am having a lot of trouble with finding the rationale behind this death." I have found out a person can not make something totally irrational into something rational!
Remember......
"My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,' says the Lord. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9
"In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:3
Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
How very tragic.
We as codies feel a need to 'figure things out'
like we have this need to affix a purpose and explanation to everything.
I personally think we do that
because underneath
we are still trying to 'fix' it.
Whatever it is.
How very very sad, this story.
I have no answers, only compassion and sympathy.
I will include you in my prayers.
We as codies feel a need to 'figure things out'
like we have this need to affix a purpose and explanation to everything.
I personally think we do that
because underneath
we are still trying to 'fix' it.
Whatever it is.
How very very sad, this story.
I have no answers, only compassion and sympathy.
I will include you in my prayers.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. In a little over one calendar year I lost my Mother, Mel and a niece. When my niece died tragically at a young age it was like all the losses came right back at once and I was processing all three at the same time. The grieving process has me mystified. Again, sorry for what you're going through. It just plain sucks.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
That is just horrible news, noday, I can't even imagine what you must be going thru.
well of course, nobody is equiped to deal with such a horror. It's not something do "deal" with, it's something to survive and overcome.
Give yourself some time. This is not something you can understand with a few well intentioned explanations. I've lost my share of friends and family and it's never easy.
Besides all the suggestions others have given, I have found it helpful to honor their life. Find something that was meaningful to your cousin and see what you can do to honor her by carrying on what she would do if she could. She was supporting her mother during her father's chemo? Perhaps you can start a memorial fund in her name with the Cancer Society. Or you could volunteer at a local cancer hospice.
Me? I help out the local Salvation Army and the Heart Association.
The pictures of her body? Get rid of those. That's not who she was, what her life represented. Keep only the pictures that celebrate her life. She lived her life with passion and verve? Then remember that, and next time you are feeling a down, or feeling doubtful, ask yourself what _she_ would advise you to do. You can make her life worthwhile by living yours a little more like she lived hers, if only a little bit.
I try to do that when I am unsure in my own life. I remember good friends and family who have been my mentors and try to live my life as if they were here to direct me.
Please keep us informed on how you are doing. That is what SR is for.
Mike
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day 
.... I feel ill equipped to deal with this..... .
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
.... I am having a lot of trouble with finding the rationale behind this death..... .
Besides all the suggestions others have given, I have found it helpful to honor their life. Find something that was meaningful to your cousin and see what you can do to honor her by carrying on what she would do if she could. She was supporting her mother during her father's chemo? Perhaps you can start a memorial fund in her name with the Cancer Society. Or you could volunteer at a local cancer hospice.
Me? I help out the local Salvation Army and the Heart Association.
The pictures of her body? Get rid of those. That's not who she was, what her life represented. Keep only the pictures that celebrate her life. She lived her life with passion and verve? Then remember that, and next time you are feeling a down, or feeling doubtful, ask yourself what _she_ would advise you to do. You can make her life worthwhile by living yours a little more like she lived hers, if only a little bit.
I try to do that when I am unsure in my own life. I remember good friends and family who have been my mentors and try to live my life as if they were here to direct me.
Please keep us informed on how you are doing. That is what SR is for.
Mike
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Thank you Mike for your post. Thank you all for responding. I'm trying my best to drown my tears and hiccups in my cup of hot chocolate.
I just wanted to post this so that you all know what a lovely person she was (sorry, but the page is in French).
My cousin
That smile is what I'll remember.
I just wanted to post this so that you all know what a lovely person she was (sorry, but the page is in French).
My cousin
That smile is what I'll remember.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I am so sorry, No Day... I read the article (I can read French), and it seems that she was a wonderful person. She was beautiful, and my sincere condolences for this tragic loss. May God grant you peace.
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