keithurbanfan

....a spouse who doesn't see the severity of your problem? My husband is not accepting that I cannot drink....not even one. Once I start, I don't know when to stop. Drinking has always been an activity that we've done together. In my estimation, my drinking has gotten out of control. I would drink way more than him over the course of an evening. I don't like myself when I drink, I'm tired of spending money on it, I'm tired of hangovers, and I don't want to do it anymore.

I've explained this to him but he is not getting it! Today is day 4 for me and all 4 days he has asked me if I was ready for a beer. I keep telling him no. He hasn't had one either. I'm not grasping why he is tormenting me. Maybe it's because this is not the first time I've tried to quit. Maybe he thinks if he keeps asking, I'll give in and he'll have his drinking partner back. This time is different. I honestly don't want anything to drink. I feel way too good without it.

I was just wondering if this was happening to anyone else.

Isaiah

Not to me personally but it happens to a whole lot of people, KUF.

One theory is that spouses do not like the idea that their partner is an addict or abuses some drug. Asking their alcoholic spouse to use is to sort of fuel their denial, if you have a beer then you don't have a problem and everything is okay.

The other is that a partner encourages use because they too have a problem, and they consider your abstention as a sign that they too ought to be accountable.

Hope someone with experience in this responds with a good suggestion for you.

JoeCree

I've come to realize that the best virus/sales force the alcohol companies have are the consumers themselves.. That is a pretty large sales force!

I lost count how many dozens of times in the last 2 months I have been asked repeatedly for a drink after i kindly declined. The Virus knows only one objective --- must get more people infected.

Don't blame the virus --- you just need to protect yourself better than the virus, as your "immune system" is weak in the beginning stages.

peanuts

Hi KUF

I think we are in similar situations. I quit 7 days ago and I don't think my husband believed I was actually going to quit. He worked nights the first two nights so it wasn't an issue, but by the time NYE rolled around he was questioning me pretty hard about it and arguing that I wasn't an alcoholic.

It took me bursting into tears and rhyming off all the awful, mortifying, illegal things I had done, plus all the scary health conditions I was experiencing, to "shock" him into at least accepting that it was perhaps more serious than he thought. It was not my best moment, but he doesn't question me anymore.

We used to drink wine together and I know he misses that. I have stressed to him several times that it is my choice, for me alone - I do not expect him to quit and he is free to drink whatever and whenever he wants. So he has. Less, perhaps, than before, but he's still drinking. I think it was important for him to see that it didn't bother me if he still drinks and that he doesn't have to feel guilty about it. Or that I was going to change into some miserable boring prude or something!!

Finally I also think he has a sneaking suspicion that my sobriety won't last, although this is the first time I have ever been so public about it (usually it is my own secret resolution that gets broken within a day or two...). So if nothing else I am determined to prove him wrong!!

reggiewayne

When I first "quit" 4 years ago, my wife didn't think I had a problem either. Over the past 4 years I've proven it to her and now there is no debate. For years I felt that I was drowning and nobody noticed. The truth is it was me that wasn't convinced. I would argue that I am alcoholic, and then when I wanted to drink again I would convince everyone that I wasn't.

Toronto68

KUFan, I'm sorry to hear that. I had no idea people's spouses could be on a totally different wavelength about this, but I learned from reading here that it is not very uncommon. It could be for lots of reasons, and I wouldn't know why your husband is doing this. Some people do this because they have their own problem. Others do it because they are afraid of what will happen to the relationship once the alcohol is out of the picture, and people like to cling to what they know.

Have you used the words "this is tormenting me" or otherwise made it clear that this is causing you harm? I don't know what to suggest to make him get the picture, but you need him to get it.

JoeCree

oh and KUF ----- I by no means think your spouse is a "virus" it's just an analogy..

keithurbanfan

Thanks for all the replies. I've enjoyed getting other points of view. He had a couple of beers tonight but didn't ask me this time. I'm fine with him drinking around me. I have more willpower than that. Maybe after a little more time, he'll see that I'm serious and accept my decision.
Meanwhile, I'll keep coming here 'cause I love it!

coffeenut

If your husband was like mine....he didn't like losing his drinking buddy, plain and simple.

Emmy69

Yes, I know what you're going through. It was a real struggle the first couple of months. My wife continues to drink and wasn't very supportive in my efforts at sobriety. But I realized she was losing her drinking buddy and probably felt very threatened and alone.

But you need to focus on yourself and not worry about what your husband thinks. You made a brave decision and you're taking action. Don't let someone else weaken your resolve.

Congrats and Good luck!

TwoJacks

If my husband had his way we'd both be drinkers. Unfortunately neither of us can drink safely. I know it, he doesn't. The only way I can keep him from drinking is to beg him to attend AA. He'd never go if I didn't insist. If he remembered half of what he did drunk he'd never touch it again, but he is a black out drunk and I have to remind him what he does when he drinks.

Good Luck.

MsCooterBrown

It is a tough situation. I have to agree with coffeenut..it fits with my situation. My former husband never encouraged me when I have had attempts before to stop drinking..he didn't want to look at the fact that HE couldn't give it up. And by me stopping it left him to drink alone. He lost his drinking buddy..I ended up caving in for my own pleasure as well as to get him to quit encouraging me. THEN it was a nightmare. It was almost a competition to see who could drink the most. Anyway..it was ugly. Now that I am removed from the situation I am obtaining the sobriety I always wanted. Not suggesting that for you..you may have a good egg. I had a rotten egg. Hang in there.

keithurbanfan

coffeenut and MsCooterBrown, did your marriages end because of your desire to be sober?

DayTrader

KUF..... it's WAY early in your sobriety. Try, as best you can, to not get hung up on what's going to happen in the future. Your marriage may or may not end, it may get better or worse, and all that may or may not be as a result of your getting sober. There are just too many variables to accurately predict the future.

You'll hear "1 day at a time" 'round here a lot..... try to practice that. Try to stay in the moment and try to be the best possible person you can be in this moment right now. You can't change the past and you can't control the future. You can't effect a moment that hasn't come....you can only effect the present moment.

I'll tell ya this..... I know a lot of ppl in recovery and not one of them who's married who's working the steps, following the direction of their HP, and focused on helping others and being of service is having any problems with their spouse not wanting them to continue. That's one of the cool things about a solid recovery program...it's so darn attractive that ppl won't want to be around you.

My marriage ended before I got sober.....thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen (her leaving for another man). In time, I've come to see it was a blessing. The life I have now would NOT have been possible with "her" still in the picture. So, in reality, she did me a favor in the long run.......only it didn't feel like it at the time.

.....and the lesson in that is "how something feels" is usually a lie - a lie that I tell myself / convince myself of. It's usually rooted in my selfish / self-centered thinking and a belief that nothing bad should ever happen to me because I'm so special. (lol.....man, that's tough to even type....haha). With practice, over time, I've learned to trust that my HP has a much better plan for me than I'm able to see at the present moment. I've learned to be flexible....and to trust my HP....and sure enough, life's smoothed out substantially!

FSquared

The only person whose reactions and attitudes you can control in this situation are your own. As a double winner, I'll tell you that I didn't want to really believe that alcoholism was truly a problem for anyone, especially someone as smart as my SO. Your husband has no frame of reference to understand your decision that alcohol is a problem for you, so he will resist, and further, will conduct himself as if you are not, thinking that you can actually control your drinking, and that a little period of abstinence will convince you of that.

This is a tough place to be, if you're truly determined to be sober. Get a sponsor. Call her every day. Call other alcoholics every day. Go to meetings. Focus on your recovery. Get help with a plan of action when you are offered those drinks by your husband. Your own efforts to think through that situation and achieve your aim to stay sober are not likely to work very well. Even if you manage not to drink, it may continue to sow discord between you and your husband. Of course you don't want to offend him or cause strife...you won't intend to...but the fact is...you can't control his reactions, and he just might get offended at your continued refusal of alcohol, for any number of reasons you may or may not see or understand. It isn't because he doesn't care about you. Again, he just doesn't have a frame of reference to understand. So YOU have to ACT to have a plan for staying in the decision you have made.

We cannot do this alone. I know. I tried for many long years. Only by recognizing my own alcoholism, picking up a white chip, and surrendering to the AA way of thinking have I come to understand that. I need to reach out to others who have what I want. If I isolate, as my mind wants to do, and try to do this on my own, I will fail.

SSIL75

I think my husband believed my own BS about how I just had bad habits and poor cooping tools. Now that I'm sober and consider myself sober for life he's a bit 'wtf?' about it. It's kind of silly, really because my drinking has caused him so much pain. But really who wants to believe their wife is an alcoholic?

He seemed pretty shocked when I told him I'd wake up in the middle of the night praying to whoever would listen that I'd be able to abstain that night. Only to find myself drinking again by 4pm the next day.

He's supportive but I don't ask him for much. It's a bit odd, really. So private. I can't talk about it without crying which is annoying.

keithurbanfan

My marriage will not end because I choose not to drink. I'm not concerned about that at all. The reason I started this topic was to see if anyone else had a spouse who didn't believe they seriously saw their drinking as a problem.

He did the same thing when I quit smoking 5 years ago. We used to sit on our front porch and smoke together. Once he realized I was serious about quitting, he became more supporting than anyone else in my life. I feel certain that when he realizes I'm serious about not drinking, he'll become my biggest fan.

OklaBH

Yes mam! My hubby bought my favorite wine yesterday and I didnt drink. He says I dont have a problem per say I just need to cut back a little. With me its all or nothing. Ive tried to be the girl who has a glass of wine with dinner....doesnt happen. I have the glass of wine, then another, then another, then skip dinner all together because I dont want to ruin my buzz. My hubby drinks a lot too. I guess he thinks if I stop he has to.

keithurbanfan

OklaBH...........we have a LOT in common! Especially the skipping dinner thing and the all or nothing! We need to talk!

stanleyhouse

my husband didn't want to believe the problem was as bad as I said because it meant he had ignored it for his own selfish reasons(not related to drinking). Not until I was housebound, so filled with anxiety, drinking all day, taking pills, incoherent, did he accept I was going to die of alcoholism.
Now when I talk about sobriety, recovery and depression he is an active listener.
SH