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Different stages, moving through to the next stage...

Old 01-03-2011, 11:28 AM
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Different stages, moving through to the next stage...

There are undoubtedly many different stages to recovery. In fact there is such an enormous amount of changes that recovery brings. It really is quite incredible really and such a lot of it, certainly in my recovery, is all contained in my head to a large extent. What I mean by that is that literally all of my problems were/are contained in my own head. Not that knowing this made it any easier and in fact may have made it more painful as people close to me and myself also could ask, what the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you just snap yourself out of these thoughts?

But as I have continued to move through my recovery then I have had to accept that it doesn't work like that and thinking like that just leads to pain and upset. Rather acceptance is what it's all about for me and that isn't something that just magically appears overnight, not for me anyway. It has taken time and sometimes it can be difficult when old issues rear their head again but it's because it isn't a linear path but rather a forwards moving process, overall.

I can be my own worst critic and I guess there's certainly nothing unusual about that as that trait is common to many alcoholics that I've met on my journey, Making a molehill into a mountain so to speak.

The thing about recovery is that as you move through then it's moving over new ground that hasn't been tread by yourself before in this mindset. For me then it literally feels like I am a totally different person to the person who was living throughout when I see my alcoholic thinking as becoming prominent from 16 probably, also I had mental health stuff knocking my head that wasn't addressed and I hoped would just go away - it never did and trying to not face it and block it out brought me to my knees.

Basically then thanks to my sobriety and recovery then I have managed to build myself up to where I'm in a good place and I am back on track to being somebody who is moving forwards. I guess it's basically just a bit daunting at times and it's difficult to know the exact balance to strive for. One thing is for sure and that is my intentions have always been and always are totally honest and I genuinely try to do what I feel is the best thing to do for my recovery and I am so grateful for my recovery. I guess at times I can feel like a scared kid at times and this can annoy me a bit.

I manage to do all of the stuff that most people would probably gladly swap you for and seem to sweat the small stuff but maybe that's me just being too critical? I guess ultimately then after going down so low mentally and emotionally then that's an experience that most people will never experience, also being an alcoholic and addict too. It's a process and I know that I'm really close to where I want to get to, I really don't want for much now and I am just so grateful to be able to look at myself in the mirror and accept myself. I guess people that haven't been through this don't understand how debilitating it is for your life and the depression it can cause. I ain't a bad looking kid and I catch myself in the mirror and wonder why I struggled so much.

Sorry for the long winded post but for some reason then this has been on my mind a lot the last few days and I guess it's because I realise that I haven't physically changed - but rather my perception has changed and this is hard to take at times, as it's all literally in my head. But I guess self-esteem, self confidence, self-love is all perception and how you think. It's just is amazing the power both positive and negative this can have and did have on my life.

I guess I need to keep doing what I'm doing 'one day at a time' and things will work out. It's definately difficult knowing exactly how to proceed in life as it's easy to take the safe route of the familiar, but I guess I'm being too hard on myself here too. I know that when things work out then I will look back on what was going on in my head and laugh and see it as just another part of my journey.

One thing is for sure and that is that I'm grateful to be sober and grateful as always for SR.

Peace
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Old 01-03-2011, 03:19 PM
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Neo, thanks for this - I relate to all this so much. Balancing and figuring out what to let go of and what to work past. Sometimes little things can feel very intense but I have to stop telling myself I'm ridiculous for feeling that way, and just let myself feel it and get past it.

I also sometimes look in the mirror and wonder why I struggle with myself so much. It should be easier but it isn't - I wonder why I make it so hard on myself.
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Old 01-03-2011, 05:15 PM
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Thanks Neo. I needed to read this today.

Since we last crossed paths on SR, I'm pleased to say that I am now in Recovery too (!). And very grateful to be so, although I'd be lying if I said I was enjoying it.

Think I'll post something here and get back on the SR train.

Peace
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