jenkoj

Hello everyone I just joined this site today looking for help. I was in denial for a very long time that all of my problems with my husband was alcohol related. Let alone even admitting he is an alcoholic. New Years Day 2011 was an epiphany for me and it is scary knowing I have made the choice to detach from our relationship and no longer engage in this awful dance we have had for too many years. I feel like I am abandoning him when he needs me the most.

Redheadsusie

Sorry you are hurting right now. You have come to a great place for support ~ There is much information here and great people that I feel so blessed to have found as well. You have to take care of yourself however you choose to do that. We all do things at our own pace and in our own way. Trust yourself. You will know what to do do when you are ready and again be kind to yourself! Much peace to you!

lillamy

(((hugs)))
You've taken the first, and in some ways hardest, step, acknowledging that there is a problem.

barb dwyer

Hi Jen welcome to SR.

You're not alone.

SteppingUp

Welcome Jenkoj!

cmc

Hello jenkoj. Welcome to SR.
I'm so glad you found us; as you await more responses you might want to take a peek at our sticky section for some helpful resources and some especially helpful threads.

In addition to come here to SR I've found Al-Anon to be a great source of f2f support.

It's nice to meet you; please don't forget that you aren't facing this alone. There are many others here who care who share what works for them.

naive

welcome!

so glad you found us and are reaching out.

you are not abandoning him. you are taking care of yourself. and maybe in the process, give him a wake-up call.

please don't be scared. you're about to embark on a journey into self-discovery. it's hard work but you are worth it!

naive

Phoenixthebird

jenkoj and fellow Texan, I found SR when I was doing an internet surf on dry drunk syndome. I'm a codependent with a capital "C" and through the support of the members here I'm slowly regaining my sanity. It seems like everyone here on SR found their way here in their own unique way. Many who come to SR are in despair, feeling hopeless, unable to believe that things can ever change. We want our lives to be different, but nothing we have done has brought about change. We all come to SR because we want and need help. SR members share our own experience, strength, and hope with each other. You will meet others who share your feelings and frustrations, if not your exact situation. We come together to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

Alcoholism is a family disease. The disease affects all those who have a relationship with a problem drinker. Those of us closest to the alcoholic suffer the most, and those who care the most can easily get caught up in the behavior of another person. We react to the alcoholic's behavior. We focus on them, what they do, where they are, how much they drink. We try to control their drinking for them. We take on the blame, guilt, and shame that really belong to the drinker. We can become as addicted to the alcoholic, as the alcoholic is to alcohol. We, too, can become ill.

This illness is called codependency. Family secrets. Guilt. Shame. Repressed anger. Low self-esteem. Compromising your own values to avoid another person's rejection or anger. Those are just a few red flags of codependence. Codependent meant the person who enabled the alcoholic. Today's psychologists have a broader definition. "It really is about unhealthy emotional dependencies."

You wrote "I feel like I am abandoning him when he needs me the most." I am a big supporter of codependents using the "LOVE" approach to our alcoholic love ones. "LOVE" stands for:
Let the drinker experience the negative consequences of drinking.
Optimise your time together when the drinker is sober.
Value the drinker as the person you love(d).
Encourage change.

"Only God can turn a mess into a message." "A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with the first step." "We aren't bad people trying to get good. We're sick people trying to get well." "Before anything can change, you first have to start setting limits. You have to figure out a plan to change things; one that makes sense. Then move through those steps -- not allowing any backpedaling."

SR is based upon the 12 Steps of Al-Anon. Al-Anon is a program that is meant to be worked with another and with God.

On the Steps:

Willingness comes from the pain, the healing comes from the steps.
Step 1. Surrender
Step 2. Sanity
Step 3. Serenity

There is a difference between “relief” and “recovery”.

Steps 1-3 bring relief......
Steps 4-9 bring recovery......
Steps 10-12 maintain it…...

Be willing, Be ready and let God do the work! Humbly acknowledge who I am in relation to God!

Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Love and Peace,

Phoenix

seekingcalm

Welcome, glad you found us. There is so much wisdom and support and great advice in this forum.

Keep reading and posting, and remember to be kind to yourself. Nothing we do or don't do will have any impact on what the alcoholic in our lives does if they are determined to drink.

I left my ABF, almost 1 year ago. I left to save myself, and it was the best thing I could have done. I am better, he is better, the future, I don't know what that holds. And that is OK.

MissChievous

Welcome Jenkoj --- I also am new here; however, this place is filled with compassionate, understanding, tender and wise people whose words you will find so comforting and inspiring.

I'm sorry that you find yourself here; but just remember that you are not alone! And that you didn't cause it; can't cure it and can't control it.

Jadmack25

Know that feeling well, and wallowed in guilt for a short while....til I woke to the truth that I need to take care of me, and if someone is sabotaging this, then I need to get out of their way.

You will get more from others here, and find that letting ourselves detach from this cruel game, has resulted in different endings. Some were dumped for more "caring" enablers, others were hassled to distraction and finally walked away, some saw their A hit bottom and "try" sobriety alone, whilst a few asked for help, worked a program and have changed their lives.

But it isn't about the A in your life really. It is actually about what you want your life to be, and how you want to live.