SoberClean

My mother said her new years resolution was to stop drinking. This she told me as she was getting smashed. I laughed, and she went on the defensive. That drink was her "last hurrah."

As I left her house, a few minutes after midnight, I couldn't help but think that she may not live to see 2012. She's put her body through so much. It is a miracle that her liver still functions after all the abuse it has taken and all the damage it has endured. The doctors have told her this, but she must be in denial.

I've been forced to think about her passing too much these past couple years. From her being hospitalized for weeks on end, the doctors not knowing what was wrong with her (I'm still not sure if that was alcohol related, they never did find out what was wrong), to going to her house, finding her so drunk I don't think she will make it through another day. Right now I am just numb at the thought of her dying. But when she is on a binge, the reality of it sets in. I become so emotionally and physically drained as I sit by her bedside encouraging her to drink fluids, cranberry juice, water. It is then that I cry my eyes out to the point that I cannot cry anymore. I get sad, I get angry, I cannot function.

I have decided to not get so involved next time she is on a binge. I'm sure this is easier said than done.

I just wish that she wanted to continue to live a fraction of how badly I want her around. But I cannot force her will to live. (she gets suicidal when drunk) She is such a wonderful grandmother to my sister's children. I really do think my (future) children have a right to know her. Sadly, it is possible they never will.

I guess this is where I will end my ramble. Happy new years everybody!