Prescription abuse: what if I control her meds?
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 54
Prescription abuse: what if I control her meds?
Hello,
I have been visiting SR off-and-on for a little over a year; thank you all for your great posts and advice.
My wife abuses her prescription medicines. I am giving her two options:
Rehab is the most important part of the first option, because if I were to just control her medicine that wouldn't fix the problem. And quite likely, she'd just get other medicine behind my back (which she already does anyway).
But I can't help but wonder if there is any downside to controlling her medicine. It seems like it would help both of us; hopefully the medicine would be more effective, she'd be more stable (no risk of withdrawal because she wouldn't be running out), and I wouldn't come home to someone who is off in outer space (outside of any illegal stuff she gets a hold of).
I think I am somewhat skeptical because it would help me (the historic enabler) control things, and I could have a false sense of security.
Does anyone have any experience with this?
Thanks,
Tyler
I have been visiting SR off-and-on for a little over a year; thank you all for your great posts and advice.
My wife abuses her prescription medicines. I am giving her two options:
- Rehab and I control her medicine (she does have valid reasons for taking it, if it is as instructed)
- She leaves
Rehab is the most important part of the first option, because if I were to just control her medicine that wouldn't fix the problem. And quite likely, she'd just get other medicine behind my back (which she already does anyway).
But I can't help but wonder if there is any downside to controlling her medicine. It seems like it would help both of us; hopefully the medicine would be more effective, she'd be more stable (no risk of withdrawal because she wouldn't be running out), and I wouldn't come home to someone who is off in outer space (outside of any illegal stuff she gets a hold of).
I think I am somewhat skeptical because it would help me (the historic enabler) control things, and I could have a false sense of security.
Does anyone have any experience with this?
Thanks,
Tyler
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
personaly yes I do. a few years ago I tried to control his pain meds and it didnt work. he would argue with me and even one time called the police on me for not giving his prescribed meds, which I could have been in trouble..go figure.
they will just keep manipulating for more and more as they do the drs.
I would never do that again it was nothing but false thinking and pure hell for me never mind the drama.
Im confused though about your post..she does illegal drugs as well? how do you think you can control either one?
I hope you come to terms that you are an enabler and seek support on how
to change you.
they will just keep manipulating for more and more as they do the drs.
I would never do that again it was nothing but false thinking and pure hell for me never mind the drama.
Im confused though about your post..she does illegal drugs as well? how do you think you can control either one?
I hope you come to terms that you are an enabler and seek support on how
to change you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Tyler, setting boundaries for yourself about what is and is not acceptable to you is important. The ability to follow up with the consequence can be trickier.
Controlling medication never worked for me either, when my son asked me to do it. He just got his drugs illegally and took his regular prescription too, fooling me into thinking he was behaving. His own behaviour betrayed him in time.
You can try, it may work better for you. But my thoughts are to decide what you can tolerate and what you cannot, make yourself clear with her and then let her decide whether to get help or get out.
However this unfolds, we are walking with you.
Hugs
Controlling medication never worked for me either, when my son asked me to do it. He just got his drugs illegally and took his regular prescription too, fooling me into thinking he was behaving. His own behaviour betrayed him in time.
You can try, it may work better for you. But my thoughts are to decide what you can tolerate and what you cannot, make yourself clear with her and then let her decide whether to get help or get out.
However this unfolds, we are walking with you.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 54
In addition to the drugs she is prescribed, from time-to-time I've seen her hiding packaging from other medicines that she must have gotten through not-legal channels. I've also seen her (behind my back) take a half-bottle of OTC cough medicine as one dose.
This is why I understand controlling the medicine is not a fix, and rehab MUST be included. I just can't help but think it would do some good. But like I said, I don't know...
I understand I am an enabler, which is a big reason for me asking about this. I have gone through several iterations of confrontations with her; one big one last month. Since then I have been patient, had a decent holiday, but really enabled and have been used by her the whole way.
This is why I understand controlling the medicine is not a fix, and rehab MUST be included. I just can't help but think it would do some good. But like I said, I don't know...
I understand I am an enabler, which is a big reason for me asking about this. I have gone through several iterations of confrontations with her; one big one last month. Since then I have been patient, had a decent holiday, but really enabled and have been used by her the whole way.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Hi Tyler.
Question:
You identify yourself as an enabler.
So you clearly know what your own issues are,
which is a vital step in your own growth. Yes?
The question is...does SHE think SHE has a problem?
Or are you finding yourself doing all the thinking for her?
Sorry, that was 3 questions.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by sofacat 
You identify yourself as an enabler.
So you clearly know what your own issues are,
which is a vital step in your own growth. Yes?
The question is...does SHE think SHE has a problem?
Or are you finding yourself doing all the thinking for her?
So you clearly know what your own issues are,
which is a vital step in your own growth. Yes?
The question is...does SHE think SHE has a problem?
Or are you finding yourself doing all the thinking for her?
She does not think (or does not acknowledge to me) that she has a problem. During the big argument last month, she spent a lot of time denying that she has a problem. I did not back down from my viewpoint or my observations about her abuse, so then she would make up excuses. But the abuse, lying, and deceit immediately continued.
I guess that means I am doing all the thinking? I'm trying not to do it for her though... for myself. Like many others, I thought I could control the addict and help fix her, but now understand that I need to do things for myself, set boundaries, etc.
I feel like the only thinking she is doing is how she can keep her abuse hidden and not alienate me so that I stick around and not give her any problem.
-Tyler
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I think if you try to hold her medicine, she will just find some from another source. At one point with my RABF, we decided he would be open with me. I wanted him to stop the lying, so he took me with him when he traded meds with a "friend." Of course, what he was showing me that he was taking and what he was really taking were two different things. He admitted later that he had been taking much more than I ever saw. He was also getting meds off the internet and from different docs/pharmacies.
It's impossible to control their usage. Believe me, I've tried. She is only going to stop when she is ready to stop. The begging and pleading and telling her what an addict she is doesn't help either. My RABF always denied to me that he was an addict. Later, after he came clean, he admitted that he knew he had a problem. He was just denying it to himself and me. However, he was not yet ready to stop denying he had a problem. Do you see what I mean?
I've learned the hard way--over years and years, that I have no control over addicts. No matter how hard I try to save them, they have to do it themselves. Sometimes, I imagine myself "handing" the addict over the God/angels/higher power.
It's impossible to control their usage. Believe me, I've tried. She is only going to stop when she is ready to stop. The begging and pleading and telling her what an addict she is doesn't help either. My RABF always denied to me that he was an addict. Later, after he came clean, he admitted that he knew he had a problem. He was just denying it to himself and me. However, he was not yet ready to stop denying he had a problem. Do you see what I mean?
I've learned the hard way--over years and years, that I have no control over addicts. No matter how hard I try to save them, they have to do it themselves. Sometimes, I imagine myself "handing" the addict over the God/angels/higher power.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
You have identified yourself as an enabler repeatedly...
Are you ready to stop enabling her and feeding her addiction?
Or are you trying to seek some middle ground so you can have her in your life?
ie...administering her drugs to her?
Cause I agree with Cynical here...."I am not a doctor or nurse, I do not prescribe nor administer drugs of abuse, if someone asks me to do so I will decline and suggest they speak to their doctor, their sponsor, or a professional. "
You have choices in your life, as does she. As you have been reading here for over a year ...you now realize you are not unique. She is not unique. You are here with many people who are just like you...both.
There is no "magic" answer...the one that will make this all go away. An answer that may make her addiction more tolerable to you.
She will lie, she will steal, she will hide things from you.
And you will try to control, doctor, mentor, cry, beg, scream, bargain, snoop, follow, finance, coddle & try to protect her from herself.
And when you have exhausted everything you have to give, you will come to realize that nothing you have tried is working. Not even trying to give admin her drugs to her. She is an addict. As her tolerance to her DOC builds, so will her need to have more.
It is crazy making in the end...
But you, Tyler...have a choice. You can choose to explore your own shortcomings and try to understand why you feel the need to control another human being as opposed to yourself.
Question is, have you gotten to the First Step:
"We admitted we were powerless over the addict - that our lives had become unmanageable."
????????
Are you ready to stop enabling her and feeding her addiction?
Or are you trying to seek some middle ground so you can have her in your life?
ie...administering her drugs to her?
Cause I agree with Cynical here...."I am not a doctor or nurse, I do not prescribe nor administer drugs of abuse, if someone asks me to do so I will decline and suggest they speak to their doctor, their sponsor, or a professional. "
You have choices in your life, as does she. As you have been reading here for over a year ...you now realize you are not unique. She is not unique. You are here with many people who are just like you...both.
There is no "magic" answer...the one that will make this all go away. An answer that may make her addiction more tolerable to you.
She will lie, she will steal, she will hide things from you.
And you will try to control, doctor, mentor, cry, beg, scream, bargain, snoop, follow, finance, coddle & try to protect her from herself.
And when you have exhausted everything you have to give, you will come to realize that nothing you have tried is working. Not even trying to give admin her drugs to her. She is an addict. As her tolerance to her DOC builds, so will her need to have more.
It is crazy making in the end...
But you, Tyler...have a choice. You can choose to explore your own shortcomings and try to understand why you feel the need to control another human being as opposed to yourself.
Question is, have you gotten to the First Step:
"We admitted we were powerless over the addict - that our lives had become unmanageable."
????????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 54
I'm glad I decided to ask this question; I thought I was defining a boundary but I was way off. I guess it is because of my controlling behavior and not really remembering what it means to have a boundary.
So for me the moral of the story is that I meant my boundary to be something more like "if you continue to abuse drugs, I will leave you".
EDIT: I even thought the rehab part was an okay boundary, but now I see it was controlling.
-Tyler
So for me the moral of the story is that I meant my boundary to be something more like "if you continue to abuse drugs, I will leave you".
EDIT: I even thought the rehab part was an okay boundary, but now I see it was controlling.
-Tyler
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Tyler))) - I WAS a nurse, but I still won't be responsible for someone else's medications.
My stepmom was severly abusing opiates. She found a "friend" and ended up getting locked up (at the age of 62) for trying to pass a fraudulent prescription from the friend.
She told me she wanted me to keep her meds and hand them out to her. This was after I'd found pills stashed all over the house. As soon as she got her next Rx, she hid them. She's passed out, I've found 60 pills missing from a new Rx, several times. I took her pills and when she woke up, she acted like a psycho, screaming "Give me my pills!!!!"
At that point, I gave her problem back to her. She still takes meds, but one of her dr's retired so she doesn't get nearly as much as she used to. I take a med for sleep, and she has stolen them so many times, I now have a lockbox to put them in.
I have no choice but to live here...my own crack addiction put me in a pretty bad financial situation. However, I refuse to get into any discussions about her pain (she does have legit pain), don't even ask her what she's taking any more. She'd lie about it anyway.
I work on my own recoveries...addiciton and codependence. When things get bad, I come here where people get me back on track. I love my stepmother dearly, and she hasn't passed out in a few months. I told her I would leave her where she lays, after making sure she's breathing, and my dad had finally gotten to that point, too. I haven't called an ambulance on her, because I know what to look for, and even though I think that would be a consequence she needed to face, my dad is not in the financial position to pay for all of that, so I won't do it unless it's medically necessary.
It's taken me time to get to this point. A lot of time, and a lot of reading/posting on SR and talking to some f2f people. I am still aggravated that I have to lock up my meds, and keep my keys on me or hidden, but I'm here because of MY consequences. I don't dwell on it, though...I keep working on me and I know I'll be okay...no matter what she (or other A's in my life) do.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
My stepmom was severly abusing opiates. She found a "friend" and ended up getting locked up (at the age of 62) for trying to pass a fraudulent prescription from the friend.
She told me she wanted me to keep her meds and hand them out to her. This was after I'd found pills stashed all over the house. As soon as she got her next Rx, she hid them. She's passed out, I've found 60 pills missing from a new Rx, several times. I took her pills and when she woke up, she acted like a psycho, screaming "Give me my pills!!!!"
At that point, I gave her problem back to her. She still takes meds, but one of her dr's retired so she doesn't get nearly as much as she used to. I take a med for sleep, and she has stolen them so many times, I now have a lockbox to put them in.
I have no choice but to live here...my own crack addiction put me in a pretty bad financial situation. However, I refuse to get into any discussions about her pain (she does have legit pain), don't even ask her what she's taking any more. She'd lie about it anyway.
I work on my own recoveries...addiciton and codependence. When things get bad, I come here where people get me back on track. I love my stepmother dearly, and she hasn't passed out in a few months. I told her I would leave her where she lays, after making sure she's breathing, and my dad had finally gotten to that point, too. I haven't called an ambulance on her, because I know what to look for, and even though I think that would be a consequence she needed to face, my dad is not in the financial position to pay for all of that, so I won't do it unless it's medically necessary.
It's taken me time to get to this point. A lot of time, and a lot of reading/posting on SR and talking to some f2f people. I am still aggravated that I have to lock up my meds, and keep my keys on me or hidden, but I'm here because of MY consequences. I don't dwell on it, though...I keep working on me and I know I'll be okay...no matter what she (or other A's in my life) do.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Posts: 623
Tyler-"if you continue to abuse drugs, I will leave you".
Curious use of the word "abuse" here.
She is an addict.
She abuses drugs.
Period.
Now, are you prepared to stick to this boundary?
Is this boundary for you?
Or an attempt to control her by giving her an ultimatum?
Curious use of the word "abuse" here.
She is an addict.
She abuses drugs.
Period.
Now, are you prepared to stick to this boundary?
Is this boundary for you?
Or an attempt to control her by giving her an ultimatum?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by sofacat
Now, are you prepared to stick to this boundary?
Is this boundary for you?
Or an attempt to control her by giving her an ultimatum?
Is this boundary for you?
Or an attempt to control her by giving her an ultimatum?
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Take the time you need for yourself. You have been probably working so hard on trying to fix and change everything, that you may have lost sight of yourself in all of it.
I was with an opiate "abuser"...addict, for 10 years. I loved him with everything I had...literally. But I was going down with him, and I didn't even realize it. I was so busy "fixing" and taking care of everything. It was my responsibility to put everything in order, and get him the help he needed.
I mean he was the sick one, right?
Then I had my breakdown. My bottom.
I just couldn't do it anymore. i had nothing left.
And it led me here. I was actually looking for help for him online...for answers.
That's how I found this place...which I am forever grateful for.
Little did I realize that I was sick too. A bona fide, type A, control freak....AKA, a codependent. And the more I started reading, and seeking answers...the more I realized that I was the one that needed fixing.
I'm glad you asked your question too. I'm glad that after over a year on SR, you are finding yourself reaching out.
Keep posting.
And remember...we are you.
I was with an opiate "abuser"...addict, for 10 years. I loved him with everything I had...literally. But I was going down with him, and I didn't even realize it. I was so busy "fixing" and taking care of everything. It was my responsibility to put everything in order, and get him the help he needed.
I mean he was the sick one, right?
Then I had my breakdown. My bottom.
I just couldn't do it anymore. i had nothing left.
And it led me here. I was actually looking for help for him online...for answers.
That's how I found this place...which I am forever grateful for.
Little did I realize that I was sick too. A bona fide, type A, control freak....AKA, a codependent. And the more I started reading, and seeking answers...the more I realized that I was the one that needed fixing.
I'm glad you asked your question too. I'm glad that after over a year on SR, you are finding yourself reaching out.
Keep posting.
And remember...we are you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
tyler,
i totally understand where you were at with the original post.
you feel as though it would be a temporary situation, one she agreed to and that would help her problem. but it would just be yet another excercise in frustration, when things fell apart.
just about the time, or just prior to, the time when i was at my worst, my significant other asked me to hold, and administer, his maintenance drug, which was methadone. he knew he couldn't trust himself, and he wanted me to be on board, and to trust that he was doing the right thing. one day something wasn't right and i was scared out of my mind and i engaged in a futile power struggle. i told him that i wasn't giving him that next dose, because of such and such (to tell the truth, i can't even remember what it was anymore). this man was always on good behavior around my family, and my 17-year-old daughter had, and still has, no idea that he had fallen back into drug use, he had such a good facade and good hiding places. well, that night he was getting agitated and asked, then demanded, his dose. i knew my hiding place was great (inside the tube of the toilet paper on the shelf) and i mean, what was he gonna do? i was going to totally win this one.
in pretty short order he started threatening things like calling the police or telling my daughter such and such. he wasn't out of control screaming or anything, but started raising his voice and i panicked. in our suburban home, where i raised three solid, church-goin girls, always pay bills on time, etc etc, this would not fly. i couldn't allow him to ruin the peace i was keeping, and really, i couldn't stand the thought that HIS truth would be out. i believed him like i've never believed anyone.
and gave him the medication.
i knew then what a losing proposition it was, and surrendered control.
i totally understand where you were at with the original post.
you feel as though it would be a temporary situation, one she agreed to and that would help her problem. but it would just be yet another excercise in frustration, when things fell apart.
just about the time, or just prior to, the time when i was at my worst, my significant other asked me to hold, and administer, his maintenance drug, which was methadone. he knew he couldn't trust himself, and he wanted me to be on board, and to trust that he was doing the right thing. one day something wasn't right and i was scared out of my mind and i engaged in a futile power struggle. i told him that i wasn't giving him that next dose, because of such and such (to tell the truth, i can't even remember what it was anymore). this man was always on good behavior around my family, and my 17-year-old daughter had, and still has, no idea that he had fallen back into drug use, he had such a good facade and good hiding places. well, that night he was getting agitated and asked, then demanded, his dose. i knew my hiding place was great (inside the tube of the toilet paper on the shelf) and i mean, what was he gonna do? i was going to totally win this one.
in pretty short order he started threatening things like calling the police or telling my daughter such and such. he wasn't out of control screaming or anything, but started raising his voice and i panicked. in our suburban home, where i raised three solid, church-goin girls, always pay bills on time, etc etc, this would not fly. i couldn't allow him to ruin the peace i was keeping, and really, i couldn't stand the thought that HIS truth would be out. i believed him like i've never believed anyone.
and gave him the medication.
i knew then what a losing proposition it was, and surrendered control.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 36
Hi Tyler,
I can understand EXACTLY how you feel right now. I can tell you that what you are proposing with almost certainly NOT WORK and will probably only make things worse. I tried the same thing. She will end up seeing you as trying to control her and end up rebelling against any form of anything that feels like control. My ex is legally given Oxycontin for a major injury he had a while back. I tried this and he just tormented me to give him more. "just a little" "I'll be fine when I run out". "I'm in soOO much pain". "Give it to me or I'll call the cops, they are MINE!" Now he just does anything and everything to make himself feel that he's not being "controlled" by anyone but himself. Anything I suggest he refuses just because I said it and he says it would mean I controlled him. This "control" lasted about 3 days every month for about 3 or 4 months. Then I just gave them all to him and tried again next month because of coarse "he would be able to do it THEN, just not NOW."
I can understand EXACTLY how you feel right now. I can tell you that what you are proposing with almost certainly NOT WORK and will probably only make things worse. I tried the same thing. She will end up seeing you as trying to control her and end up rebelling against any form of anything that feels like control. My ex is legally given Oxycontin for a major injury he had a while back. I tried this and he just tormented me to give him more. "just a little" "I'll be fine when I run out". "I'm in soOO much pain". "Give it to me or I'll call the cops, they are MINE!" Now he just does anything and everything to make himself feel that he's not being "controlled" by anyone but himself. Anything I suggest he refuses just because I said it and he says it would mean I controlled him. This "control" lasted about 3 days every month for about 3 or 4 months. Then I just gave them all to him and tried again next month because of coarse "he would be able to do it THEN, just not NOW."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
ty,
been there, done that, mines dead...
old tomato time,
insist her to get help, or get the hell out!
its consequence time
if that doesnt open up the fogy eyes of delusionor denial,
thats her stuff,
not yours...
time to move on pardner
all good wishes to you ty
been there, done that, mines dead...
old tomato time,
insist her to get help, or get the hell out!
its consequence time
if that doesnt open up the fogy eyes of delusionor denial,
thats her stuff,
not yours...
time to move on pardner
all good wishes to you ty
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